Friday, January 30, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Ah, George Foreman. You have done pretty well for yourself. Not only were you two-time heavyweight champion of the world, but everyone I know has one of your George Foreman Grills. I have also seen you advertising for Meineke on TV. "You're not gonna pay a lot for a muffler. I guarantee it!" Well George, despite your success, I really can't take your word on that.
You guarantee it huh?
Can I really trust you? I don't even really know you. I do know a little about you, though....
WHAT I KNOW ABOUT GEORGE FOREMAN:
-According to Wikipedia: 'Foreman has 10 children, and each of his five sons is named George: George Jr., George III, George IV, George V, and George VI. They are also known by the nicknames "Monk," "Red," "Joe," "Big Wheel," and "Little George."' OK. So we know George doesn't believe in birth control. We also know he named his five sons George. Not only that but he calls one of them Big Wheel. Hopefully the kid was born with legs and not wheels.
-Throughout George's professional boxing career he participated in 81 fights. Lets say for argument's sake he got punched in the head ten times during each one of his fights. In reality, it is a lot more, but lets be conservative. If George got punched in the head ten times in every fight, he would have been hit in the head a total of 810 times. That's 810 blows to the head by guys who weighed more than 200 pounds. That's a lot of blows to the head. (I guarantee it!)
-In 1993, George starred in one of the worst sitcoms ever, George which appeared on ABC. It was canceled pretty quickly because it was absolutely horrible.
So what can we conclude? Don't trust George Foreman! He may have good intentions, but I think as a general rule of thumb you can't really trust a man who has been hit in the head over 800 times. Especially since he exercized awful judgment naming all of his kids George (and calling one of them Big Wheel) and participating in the second worst TV show ever made(The worst TV show ever was the Geico Caveman series). Although I enjoy your grill, I know you had nothing to do with its design or function, so I can't really give you credit there. Your word is worthless, George Foreman. You guarantee to the world that Meineke has the cheapest muffler, and I want to believe you! I really do! But I can't! So what does this all mean? Before you purchase a new muffler you should shop around.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Back in the 1980's Klondike ran the famous "What would you do for a Klondike Bar" ad campaign. I realize this advice would have helped you 20-30 years ago, but I was too busy watching Perfect Strangers on repeat to get up and blog. Blogging wasn't even invented yet. Basically all I could do was get on my tree house phone (two dixie cups and a piece of string) and try and put the word out. My tree house phone didn't work too well. I found out later it was because I wasn't paying my AT&T tree house phone bill. But that's another story for another time...
Since you can still find Klondike bars in supermarkets, this advice still applies. There are certain things you should never do for a Klondike Bar. These include:
-Trading your first born child to Somalian pirates for a Klondike bar. It's hot in Somalia. Even if this trade goes down on the breezy Indian Ocean, the chances that the Klondike bar hasn't melted are pretty slim. If you are going to trade your kid for an ice cream snack, at least try to get one that isn't melted. Also, if you are a shrewd negotiator, you might be able to get two or three Klondike bars, for just one kid.
-Don't stick your hand into a garbage disposal, blender, fan or lawnmower for a Klondike bar. This would most likely lead to you destroying your fingers in a bloody mess, and what good is a Klondike bar if you don't have fingers to eat them.
-Murdering immediate family members. Killing your kids, your siblings, your parents or your spouse for a Klondike bar is pretty foolish. As a close family member you are going to be one of the first suspects in the police investigation. I know what you are thinking..."I can just bribe the detective with a Klondike bar." I must say that is a clever proposal....but if the detective is lactose intollerant your plan has just failed miserably. "What about my third cousin twice removed?" Yeah, you can murder him. His hare lip really bugs me out.
So Scott, what can I do for a Klondike bar?
-Killing endangered animals
-Infliction of non-lethal puncture wounds
-Scanning pictures into your 1980's computer, creating Kelly Lebrock, and then having her mysteriously conjure one up
If you have any other questions about acceptable behavior in relation to the procurement of Klondike Bars, you know where to find me (Leave a comment, and I will promptly respond)
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Check out Blog Of The Day Awards (click here). Today Scott's Tip Of The Day has won the Blog Of The Day Award!! Thanks Blog Of The Day. I think an acceptance speech is in order....
I'd like to thank Mom and Dad. Even though you had nothing to do with this blog, I was hatched in a lab using your genetic material and I couldn't have done it without you or your genes. I would also like to thank the mad scientist who hatched me in his lab, Dr. Frankensteinberg. Thanks for that super serum you injected into my egg before you hatched me, I appreciate the super powers and probably would not be able to write my blog without them. Thanks for destroying the super secret facility you created me in and denying its existance to the authorities. Running from various top secret government organizations the rest of my life would have really put a damper on my social life.
I'd also like to thank Alah, Jesus, Yahweh, Vishnu, Ganisha, Satan, Zeus, Apollo, Rah and any other gods/superbeings that may prevent me from enjoying the afterlife because I forgot to thank them for my good fortune.
I want to give a shout out to my agent, Barry Weinsteinowitzberg, my manager Harry Finkleberg and my publicist Shlomo Rabinowitz.
Thank you to my girlfriend who didn't call the police and have me arrested after I "accidentally" put nine roofies in her drink the first night I met her and had "no choice" but to bring her back to my place to "take care of her."
Thank you to my illegitimate children. Even though Daddy doesn't take care of you, pay your living expenses, bail your mom out of jail or call you back, he still loves you!
I'd like to also thank Wendell, for not bringing attention to the fact I ran over his two Cinnamon Toast Crunch friends in the early 90's. My Blood Alcohol Content was lke was like .25 and I would have been put in jail for years. Somehow nobody seemed to notice they dissapeared from the box. I know I promised you $25,000 for covering that up, and I will get you the money I swear. Times are just a little tight now though, you know? I got illegitimate children to feed. What? I said I don't feed them or take care of them? Uhhhh....Errrr.........
So there you have it. Scott's Tip Of The Day is check out The Blog Of The Day Awards.... and also there is $10,000 if anyone takes care of my "Cinnamon" problem... if you know what I mean. I am good for the money I swear!!!! Really!!! Seriously.....
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: I'd like to thank a few bloggers who have been giving me some good press lately. I didn't even have to bribe them or threaten violence. No kidnapping, no yelling, no straight jackets. That's a first!
First there is "Our Blog Review" (click me for Scott's Tip Of The Day review). These guys review your blog and they gave me a pretty good write up. They don't like my black blog background, but I am just going to chalk that up to their fear of the dark, because everything else they had to say was nice.
I'd also like to thank Unfinished Rambler (click me for post relating to Scott's Tip Of The Day). A very funny blog worth checking out. They gave me a shout out on Sunday. And finally, there is Knuckledraggin My Life Away (click me for Scott's Tip Of The Day related content) A really funny website but borderline not appropriate for work so watch out! Maybe you can read it when you are all alone before you cry yourself asleep at night.
Anyway, Scott's Tip Of The Day is to check these sites out. Some of you may be thinking "Scott, this isn't enough! I need more guidence in my life." Well, ok ok....
Scott's (Second) Tip Of The Day: If you have a kid, you should really keep track of what they watch on TV. (If you don't have a kid, and you really want to be creepy, you can keep track of what your neighbor watches on TV).
So, I was flipping through the channels on Saturday morning and there was nothing on TV. I tried watching some Nickelodeon, you know to see what the kids are into these days. Some tweens were yapping on and on about the Jonas Brothers. What ever happened to You Can't Do That On Television? Anyway, after a short while the show went to commercial. Phew. But what commercial appeared on the TV? A Playtex commercial! What??!! This is Nickelodeon!! Little kids watch this!! You know what a tampon commercial does to a 6-year-old boy? It blows up his world. Kaboooooommmm! "Mommy, what's a tampon? Mommy, when is my special friend coming over? Mommy, am I spotting?" What a mess. Good thing I don't have (legitimate) kids. But then that got me thinking....
How the hell do they fit all this stuff into a tampon. "Our tampon has super mega hyper absorbant power!" Really? Wow! Just last week it was only super hyper absorbant power. How did you fit the mega in there? How much more s*** are you gonna cram into that thing? What are you going to put in there next, an AM/FM radio?
So where am I going with this? Don't let your kids watch TV, make them read my blog instead.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you happen to be a werewolf, modelling your life after the 1985 film, Teen Wolf, could lead to disasterous results. Let me ennumerate some problems you may encounter...
PROBLEM 1: Becoming a wolf does not actually make you a phenomenal basketball player, especially if you are Michael J. Fox (who is 5'4"). Wolves do not have the innate ability to play basketball. Just look at the Minnesota Timberwolves, who are currently 15-27 in the NBA.
PROBLEM 2: When your jackass friend is driving a van, getting on the roof and surfing is never a good idea. Whether you're a wolf or not, it's dangerous, illegal and no one is impressed with your outrageous display of idiocy.
PROBLEM 3: If you were actually a werewolf, you would not be the coolest kid in school. You would be ostracized. You would be banned from all high school athletics and you would be prohibited from acting in the school play. You would be kept in a cage all day. You would eat out of a dog bowl and wear a flea collar. You would eat raw meat and people would laugh at you.
PROBLEM 4: Dating a homely neighbor, named Boof, is never a wise choice. If you're in high school and you have the choice to date any girl in school, you pick the hot popular one. You pick a cheerleader. You don't pick the weirdo with no friends. Even if you like her, you aren't going to get married at 18-years-old. You date the hot cheerleader for awhile, and then when you get bored a few years later (or you get her pregnant), you leave her and date Boof. Boof is boring and plain. Believe me, she isn't going anywhere. She won't be whisked away by some millionare. She'll be collecting fines from books past due at the local library.
PROBLEM 5: Becoming a werewolf on a regular basis may effect your body in weird ways and lead to debilitating diseases such as Parkinsons. (I know, I know, that was horribl............horribly funny).
I hope you have learned a valuable lesson today. Werewolves are not cool.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you google a stranger on the internet, you are more than likely to discover some interesting information about that person. If you google a stranger in real life, you are more than likely to end up in jail for sexual assault. So remember Cowboy, before you go around googlin' up all the ladies, make sure you know the person and make sure it's consensual.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Fievel Mousekewitz immigrated to America in the film An American Tale. It was a heartwarming story about Eastern European Jewish immigrants who came to New York City for a better life. Who can bash this movie? Well, yeah, I mean, besides the Nation of Islam, the KKK and neo-nazis. You're right, nobody!
Five years later, Universal Pictures released the sequel, An American Tail: Fievel Goes West. Fievel travells to the wild west to presumably become a cowboy. Really Fievel? A cowboy? Since I am a Jew, I am going to lay this out straight for you. Lets not mince words here. There were no Jews in the wild west. Billy the Kid. Wild Bill Hickok. These are the heroes of the wild west. There was no Wild Rabbi Steinberg. Or Moishe the Mench. Not once did I ever see a Hassidic Jew in a Sergio Leone film. Jews don't like manual labor. I mean yeah they built the pyramids but they wouldn't have done that if they werent enslaved. (All things considered, they did a pretty good job too). Do you really think Fievel wants to rope cattle and work the land? Do you think his Jewish mom would have let him do that? No! She would have dragged Fievel to medical school. "Vy don't you become a surgeon like your uncle Shmouel! Uch, you are breaking my heart. Ay gevault!" You think Fievel could withstand that kind of Jewish guilt? No way!
In conclusion, I don't take issue with a Jewish talking mouse that wants to immigrate to America for a better life. I mean, you have to figure that happens all the time. I have a big problem though, with a story about a Jew who wants to take a job that involves manual labor. That's completely unrealistic. I strongly urge you to not watch this film. You would be better off watching Yentl instead.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Have you ever been down in the dumps? You're just walking the lonely street at night, feeling helpless, like the world is against you. Tears stream down your face and you can barely see. You find yourself in a dark alley, thinking "Man, things can't get any worse. " Then your guardian angel comes out of nowhere. He reassures you, tells you it will all be ok. He gives you a big hug and caresses you for awhile. Then, suddenly, he dissapears. You walk home feeling better about yourself. Tomorrow is another day. You know you'll be ok. But, there is a problem here. That wasn't your guardian angel. That was a dirty, smelly homeless man who touched you inappropriately. Wasn't it weird when he hugged you for an unusually long time? Didn't you think it was a bit strange your guardian angel smelled like feces? Watch out for those homeless people, they'll get you every time.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Earlier in January I posted some dating tips for guys and girls. Many of you have taken these tips to heart and already have budding romances. I realize now I forgot to tell you one important thing. When picking a suitable person to date, marry or have relations with, it is imperative you do not pick a person who is related to you. No sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, uncles, aunts, cousins, daughters, sons, nephews, nieces etc. This can get tricky sometimes. "What about my next door neighbor?" Is your next door neighbor related to you? Then I am afraid the answer is no. "What about my college professor?" Are you home schooled? Is your "college" your house and is your "professor" your dad? The answer is still no. I realize this advice only really applies to a certain segment of the population (residents of West Virginia, Louisiana, Mississippi, Arkansas, Kentucky) but I thought it was important I clarify. If you are already dating a relative, when you break up with them let them down easy. This is the best way to end things because you probably already live with them.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: There is a big difference between "playing doctor" and "being a doctor." You do not have to be a doctor to play doctor. But just because you are a doctor, it doesn't mean you can play doctor with your patients without being subject to a litany of sexual assault charges. Still, it's worth a try, no?
Friday, January 16, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: I read somewhere that drinking seven cups of coffee in an hour can be dangerous. Who says it's dangerous? I didn't say it's dangerous. Did you say it's dangerous? I drank seven cups of coffee and I'm fine. I'm just dandy. I'm splendid. I'm Great. Terrific. I'm better than terrific. I'm super. I'm not acting funny. Did you say I'm acting funny? Who's acting funny? Just fine over here. I like coffee. Caffeine doesn't even affect me. What? No, it's cold out, that's why I'm shaking. Who's twitching? I told you I'm cold! I'm not jittery, I just felt like going for a walk. So I can't sit down now, big deal! Who wants to sit down. Maybe I don't want to sit down. Don't you just want to run around? Have you ever run a marathon? I have never trained but I bet I could run one right now. What's 26 something miles. I have a lot of energy. Man, I really love coffee. Do you love coffee? I already asked you that? Ok, ok, don't get all bent out of shape! I'm making you nervous? Why are you nervous? Who's nervous? I'm not nervous. What? My eye's not twitching! No! Maybe, I got something in there, I don't know. Why are you so critical? Maybe you're acting funny. I'm just trying to blog here, ok. Geez, can I live? Can a guy drink seven cups of coffee? Maybe I should have another cup of coffee. What? Where am I going with this? What's my point? There's nothing wrong with drinking seven cups of coffee in an hour!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Unless you are an invalid or a gazillionare you probably do your own grocery shopping. If you are like me, you don't want to waste any more time than necessary in the supermarket. You write up your grocery list, you get in, you get out. Bing bang boom. It can get a bit tricky though. The biggest obstacle to a fast checkout is the checkout line. Which line do you choose? Which line should you avoid? Follow these two tips and you'll shave up a considerable amount of time grocery shopping...
AVOID PARENTS WITH LITTLE KIDS
Little kids can considerably slow down your checkout experience. They cry, they whine, they bite. "Mommy, I want Captain Crunch! Mommy, how come Suzie gets a candy bar? Mommy when are we leaving? Mommy, daddy keeps feeding me bleech for breakfast." It never ends. This in turn agitates the kid's mom, which distracts her and slows her down. Then she loses track of what she put on the conveyor belt. "Did you already ring up the magnum condoms? Did I remember to pick them up? Crap!" Sometimes she will pause to yell at her kid and possibly spank him. Although watching the kid get the snot beat out of him is satisfying, it won't get you out of the supermarket any faster, so avoid lines with kids.
AVOID THE ELDERLY
Old people have been around a long time. They remember when a candy bar was a nickle and a burger was a quarter. They forget about inflation and question the price on everything. "What in tarnation? How on earth could a 6 pack of adult diapers cost 10 dollars?" They are irritable, slow and they use coupons. Sometimes they need assistance carrying their groceries to their car. If no one is around, they could ask you! You don't have time for that! They often get confused and disoriented. This can really slow you down. The checkout dude has to call his manager for assistance and they have to escort the old person away from the register and it becomes a big mess. If you suspect an elderly person on line is disoriented, you might be able to convince him that he is your grandfather. If you can swing this, it will be pretty easy getting him to pay for your groceries. If you manage to pull this off, just act cool, escort aforementioned senile person to parking lot, tie them to a bike rack and call your local police department.
At the checkout line if you avoid kids and you avoid old people, your chances of a speedy and enjoyable shopping experience will increase substantially.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you want to avoid having nightmares, it would behoove you to abstain from certain activities before you go to bed . These activities include eating late at night, arguing with a loved one before bed or watching a horror movie. But most importantly, if you want a good night's sleep you definitely want to avoid watching Stuart Scott and his creepy eye on ESPN's Sports Center.
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Ray Parker Jr. really had a hit with the Ghostbusters theme. No one will deny it's a catchy tune. Regardless, I wouldn't recommend taking the song literally. It could get you into trouble. Let's go through verse by verse and I will show you what I mean:
If there's something strange
in your neighborhood
Who ya gonna call?
If you see suspicious activity in your neighborhood, call 9-1-1. When you pay taxes, a portion of that money goes toward your local police department. Policemen may be America's C students, but nonetheless, they are trained to handle these types of situations. Furthermore, if something weird is going down in your neighborhood, the odds are much greater it's gang activity rather than a a ghost named Slimer going wild. A cop with a gun will protect you better than 4 nerds with proton packs.
If there's something weird
and it don't look good
Who ya gonna call?
Again, please report suspicious activity to the police. It's free. Your taxes pay for it. Do you know how much it costs to run the ghost containment center in the Ghostbusters' basement? It's a fortune! You think they just come over and help you out for free? No! They have bills to pay. They don't show the Ghostbusters billing people in the movie, but that's what they do. The police provide their services for free. Call the police instead.
I ain't afraid of no ghosts
I ain't afraid of no ghosts
Even though Ray Parker Jr. is using a double negative I am still pretty sure he is not afraid of ghosts. Moving on...
If you're seeing things
running through your head
Who can ya call?
Presumably the Ghostbusters have PhD's. They are at the very least scientists. Qualified psychiatrists or psychologists? I don't know. You are much better off seeing a licensed professional if you are seeing things running through your head. If you have insurance, you are probably covered too. Unless you have the "Ghost Busting Policy" your insurance plan probably does not cover ghosts.
An invisible man
sleeping in your bed
Who ya gonna call?
If he is invisible, how do you know he sleeping? I am really starting to believe Ray Parker Jr. is more than a little bit paranoid.
I ain't afraid of no ghosts
I ain't afraid of no ghosts
Ok Ray, now you are just starting to repeat yourself. Who are you trying to convince here?
Who ya gonna call?
If ya all alone
pick up the phone
Despite the lyrics, calling Ghostbusters when you are all alone, for no reason at all, may result in their secretary, Janine, ignoring any calls originating from your house.
I ain't afraid of no ghosts
I here it likes the ghost
I ain't afraid of no ghost
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
Who ya gonna call?
Oh my God, Ray. We need to get you better, my friend!
If you've had a dose of a
freaky ghost baby
Ya better call
At this point, Ray Parker Jr. has completely lost me. I don't know where to get a dose of freaky ghost baby. I don't want to know. I think it's pretty obvious though that if I ever did get a dose of freaky ghost baby the Ghostbusters would be the only people who could really help. I mean, that goes without saying.
Lemme tell ya something
Bustin' makes me feel good!
Ok, I am going to stop the analysis right here. Bustin makes you feel good? Really? Kids are listening to your song, Ray! That's gross! Can't you keep it in your pants? I mean, even if you can't, do you have to sing songs about it? You disgust me! Anyway, I hope you learned something today. Ray Parker Jr. is a sexual deviant, and taking the theme to Ghostbusters literally may lead to undesirable results.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: The economy is in the dumps. We're deeply entrenched in one of the worst recessions our country (U.S.A!) has ever faced. What's more, this recession is global, so you can't even hide in Bora Bora until this storm blows over. Believe me, I've thought about it. A lot of intelligent, talented people are unemployed right now and these people are experiencing great difficulty finding new jobs. If you are one of these people and you have an entrepreneurial spirit, then fear not. I can help you get back on your feet.
If you are unemployed I am sure you have been watching a lot of garbage on TV. There is a lot of opportunity in television. Maybe you could write/produce a TV show!? Your initial response is probably "Scott, I have a very poor command of the english language, how am I going to write a script?" Easy! You write a show for kids. Generally kids are dumber than adults. They will scrutinize your show less. It will be much easier to succeed. Here are three simple steps for creaitng a successful kid's show that will make you rich.
STEP 1: Young Audience = Stupid Audience
This is something you really want to keep in mind. When kids get to be around 11, 12-years-old they start asking intelligent questions. They won't just believe anything you tell them. This can really throw a monkey wrench in the works. You may actually have to write something somewhat intelligent to appeal to this demographic. My advice is aim for the little kids. How little? Well, can they speak? They can? That's too old then. Remember, if a kid can't speak, he can't complain. How is a kid going to complain that he hates your show if he can't talk? He won't be able to. Since you know nothing about educating small children, they certainly aren't going to learn how to speak after watching your programming.
STEP 2: Keep Costs Down
You want to make as much money as possible. Good actors, writers and animators cost money. By hiring reputable actors or animators you are essentially cutting into your profit margin. What does that mean? That means less money in your pocket. This is money you could be putting toward classy hookers at your premier party/celebratory coke fueled orgy. Remember Rule 1. These are kids. They don't know the difference between Eric Cartman and Eric Menendez. People who are released from prison often have problems finding jobs. No one wants a prisoner working for them. Use this to your advantage. Offer prisoners minimum wage to act in your show. If it's a cartoon, then just have them draw it. So what if they don't have talent? The babies watching it aren't going to complain. Parents are too busy to monitor what their kids watch anyway. Are you going to piss off the Writers Guild and Screen Actors guild by hiring non-union actors? Yes. Without a doubt. Will you care when you are swimming in your money bin like Scrooge McDuck? No!
STEP 3: Get In Quick, Get Out Quick
Is this plan a foolproof way to make quick cash? Yes. Could it potentially expose you to a bevy of lawsuits and permanently damage your public image? Yes. So how do you avoid this? Negotiate a contract with the network that nets you as much money upfront as possible. Sell the rights to your show. Agree to promotional appearences. Do whatever you can to make a quick buck. Why? Because after your aforementioned premier party/celebratory coke fueled orgy (see Step 2) you are going to have to skip town. It is advisable to have your passport and an overnight bag ready to go. You probably want to relocate to a country without U.S. extradition laws (if you live in the U.S.). Iran would be a good choice. I hear it's nice this time of year. When you arrive in Iran you probably want to burn off your fingerprints with acid and have your face surgically altered so no one recognizes you. The CIA is now able to analyze your voice print, so you probably want to scrape your vocal chords too.
If you are thinking "Scott, this is absurd, I would never take things this far!" then don't. You obviously lack the ambition this endeavour would require. If on the other hand, you are thinking "Wow, I am going to try this!" then I wish you great luck on your journey.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Many devout Christians ask themselves "What would Jesus do?" before making a decision. My advice to devout Christian carpenters is to hang onto your faith but to ignore what Jesus would do when you are on the job. Jesus never used a circular saw, a phillips head screwdriver or a power sander. If you ask yourself "What would Jesus do?" everytime you construct a table, it will dramatically impair your efficiency. This will cut into your profits and Jesus would never want that for you. So take a breather, think "What would Bob Villa do?" instead and keep up the go(o)d work!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Queen Latifah's real name is Dana Elaine Owens (Thanks Wikipedia). She is not a real Queen or a real Latifah. She is actually an exceptionally large woman from New Jersey with a penchant for acting in awful movies (Taxi, Scary Movie 3, House Party 2, Beauty Shop) with awful actors (Jimmy Fallon, Ja Rule, Ashton Kutcher). It is rumored that she picks her role in movies solely based on the selection of food at the crafts services table on the set. If you happen to see Queen Latifah, always proceed with caution. When approaching her it is strongly advised to walk slowly and to not make direct eye contact. Making sudden movements or loud noises may startle Queen Latifah, sending her into a panic and uncontrollable rage that could leave you severely injured.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: They say don't bite the hand that feeds you. But what if that hand is feeding you a high cholesterol, high carb diet? Then it's probably a good idea if you bite the hand that feeds you.....and the arm...and possibly the torso.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you have a hot date? Congratulations! Is it that dude who pumped your gas at the Exxon Station? You were too lazy to fill the tank yourself, weren't you? Yeah you were. I hear you don't like manual labor. Yeah, I guess that means chores are out of the question, right? Of course. What? You are a horrible cook? How are you going to rope Mr. Right in if you aren't willing to cook or clean? I'll tell you how. Follow Scott's four rules for dating.....
RULE 1: Avoid The Classic Conversation No-No's
There are certain topics of conversation you always want to avoid on a first date. These include:
-Any mention of feminine hygiene products
-Anything related to cramps or "feeling bloated"
-Talking about your illegitimate children
-Any stories about farting, pooping or sweating...Guys love fart stories but when they come from a girl it's bad news bears
-Conversations about marriage or honeymoons
-Discussing how you are awful at cooking/hate cleaning
-Any talk of your little fifi dog that poops all over the house because you never took it to obediance school
RULE 2: Pretend You are Domestic
We all know you are lazy. You suck at cooking, you hate cleaning and you don't even know how to run a load in the washing machine. Even the El Salvadorian lady who can't speak English at the laundromat can run a load of laundry! If your date finds this out he is gonna drop you like a load of bricks. Guys are bad at taking care of themselves. They are messy and sloppy and often require assistance. If you can't take care of him who is going to? He will find someone else. If you don't like to clean, grab an illegal immigrant in the Wal Mart parking lot and pay him two dollars to clean your guy's apartment. If you can't cook, just order takeout every night and pretend you cooked it. If you can't run a washing machine.... well... then you should probably just murder yourself because then there is really no hope for you.
RULE 3: Get Him Real Drunk
The quickest way to get a guy to make rash, impulsive decisions is to get him drunk. Go out for drinks with your guy. While you are drinking glasses of water (put a lime in your water for show), pump him full of vodka. When he can't see straight, get him to call his parents and tell them he loves you. Do the same with his friends. Then start worming your way into his social circle. If you make it really difficult/awkward/embarrassing to break up with you, he will probably will just go along with it. Even if it's a first date. What is he going to do? Call his parents the next day and say "Just kidding? I was totally shitfaced! I don't really love her!" No way. He'd look like an idiot. He is probably as lazy as you. He is going to live the lie. You just need to rope him in hook, line and sinker before he gets tired of this lie....tired of the lie and your manipulative bullshit. That's where Rule 4 comes in...
RULE 4: Climbing The Mountain One Step At A Time
So you think you have met Mr. Right? Want to settle down and marry him? Well slow down. If you tell him that you will scare him away. Baby steps! First you need to get him interested in you. "How Can I do this?" you ask. Easy.
Step 1- Get him in bed ASAP. This can be facilitated by wearing an extremely short skirt, no underwear and saying things like "Lets have sex." Yes, it's that simple. There is no reason to over complicate things.
Step 2-After you have slept with him start leaving important things in his apartment. This way it is harder for him to get rid of you. Hair dryers, clothes, toiletries....take over his apartment little by little.
Step 3-Get pregnant. Then blame it all on the guy. Cry a lot. Say things like "Oh my God why do you hate me!?" Afterwards, guilt him into marrying you.
Ladies, if you follow these simple rules you will have a husband in no time. Good luck!
Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you have a hot date? Congratulations! Is it with that girl you met in the bookstore? Or did you just tell your friends you met her in the bookstore because you were too embarassed to tell them you met her online? Did you meet her at Hooters? Is she at least 16-years-old? No? Well, Whatever the case, good for you Buddy. You have really hit it big.....
But you're not through the woods yet. Many things can go wrong on a first date and you need to take every possible precaution to ensure this date goes smoothly. If you blow it, you may never meet a girl like this again. Follow my simple rules and you will have your lady friend in bed faster than you can say roofie coolada.
RULE 1: Avoid The Classic Conversation No-No's
There are certain topics of conversation you always want to avoid on a first date. These include:
-Any mention of Klingons, Wookies, Borgs or Cylons
-Your rap sheet, especially if it includes kidnapping, armed robbery, aggrevated assault or rape
-Any fungus you think you contracted in the gym shower.
-Any mud butt/swamp ass stories
-The kid you were sponsoring in war torn Africa for 3 cents a day until you realized you could buy 2 atomic fireballs and a tootsie roll for the same amount of money.
-Alternatives to traditional abortion methods (falling/pushing down the stairs, wire coat hangers)
RULE 2: Condoms
This "ribbed for her pleasure" stuff can get confusing. Does the condom taste like ribs? What if she doesn't like ribs? What if she keeps kosher? These are all good questions. To answer your questions, yes, ribbed condoms taste like ribs, but they taste like beef ribs. Thus, they are still kosher if you are dating a hebrew honey. If I was you though I would avoid this minefield all together and just get some regular rubbers.
RULE 3: Lie through your teeth
Roofies are illegal. You can get in big trouble if you drug a girl and bring/drag her home with you. But, you know what you can't go to jail for? Lying through your teeth about yourself to get a girl to go home with you. This is the age old art of "Scammin' Hoes." Are you a window washer? Tell her you own a skyscraper and you love to keep it clean. Are you unemployed? Yeah? That's too bad.... But have you ever been to a hospital? You have? Well congratulations! You are a doctor!
Lying through your teeth is a great way to get a girl home. There can be some problems though. If you say you are a doctor and you bring her home to your room in the attic at your parents' house she might be hesitant to believe you. Also, she is eventually going to uncover the lie, so you have to marry her before she figures it out. Why marriage? Because it's a lot harder for her to walk away from a marriage than it is for her to walk away from an ordinary lying scumbag.
RULE 4: Pretend To Be a Good Listener
Lets be honest guys. You hate listening to girls. "Sheilah said this! Cindy said that! Do you think I am fat?" Blah blah blah. If you listened to all of that you would never want to go home with her. The trick is pretending to be interested while thinking about other things entirely. If you squint your eyes like you are entrenched deep in thought, then your date will think you are listening to everything she is saying. If there is an akward pause in the conversation, just say "Hell, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard! You know what? You're beautiful" It doesn't matter what she said, this will always work. Just try to avoid saying it more than 3 times an hour since after awhile she may become suspicious.
I hope you gentlemen find my four rules for dating helpful. Please stay tuned for my next tip of the day where I give you ladies four rules for dating men.