Monday, August 31, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Macauly Culkin is Blanket's real father? Can it be true? Is this possible? I really don't have a tip of the day here, I just thought this article was so mind-blowingly bizarre that I had to mention it....so....err.....I guess my tip of the day is tell a friend this bizarre news because it's more interesting than hearing the latest about Jon & Kate plus 8.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Now that the manslaughtering drunk died, Congress appears ready to make a new push toward health care reform. Of course. All of my doubts were washed away when the world's third favorite Kennedy died. Suddenly health care reform is a good idea!....BUT IT'S NOT!
I urge you to think twice about health care reform. Not because America's spending is already completely out of control. Not because America can't effectively manage Social Security or Medicare. Not because I don't think it's right that my taxes will go toward paying for lung transplants for a douche bag, who exercised awful judgment when he smoked four packs of Newports a day, for forty years. So why then?
Health care for everyone means everyone's going to be healthier. People are going to live longer. The line at the CVS pharmacy counter is going to be bats**t crazy long. Highways are going to be jammed up with old people, hopped up on Viagra, heading to the assisted living center for a quickie before the early bird special at the Brown Derby. Is this what you want? Is this the American dream? NO! SAY NO TO HEALTH CARE REFORM!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you need glasses, buy glasses. Then wear glasses. It's simple. You can buy contacts too. Just do something. I can't watch you squint anymore. It's getting on my nerves. What? Who am I directing this towards?
TOP 10 PEOPLE WHO SQUINT TOO MUCH
9&10. Cheech & Chong
Well, I think we all know why Cheech & Chong squint. They always seem to have a good time though. Chong already wears glasses and they don't seem to help, so I think this is one of those cases where you just let it slide.
8. Paul Reubens AKA Pee Wee Herman
Paul. Where do I start? You're funny. But you're a scary motherfu**er. Sometimes I wonder if you're half mongoloid. Whatever the case. All you do is laugh and squint and make weird noises and pleasure yourself in adult cinemas. I think we need to get you some glasses. I think we also need to get you some heavy medication. There, there. We will get you better.
7. Fred Willard
Are you squinting? Do you really look like that? I can't tell. You are already a funny guy, Fred. You don't need to squint to be funny. Stop that. And if you can't help it? Then I guess I am just an insensitive assh**e.
6. Clint Eastwood
It must be bright in that desert, Clint, because all you do is squint. You shoot people, you squint, you shoot a few more people, you squint, and so on and so forth. Do yourself a favor man. Buy some sunglasses. Maybe you don't even need prescription lenses!
5. Nicole Kidman
Nicole Kidman. What did you inject into your face? It's like the top of your forehead is running away from your eyes. You are beginning to look like a japanimation character. I don't think you need glasses, just stop it with the surgery already.
4. Joan Rivers
Unlike Nicole, I think it's too late for Joan. If she stopped getting these plastic surgery tune ups, she would probably drip into a gelatinous blob on the floor. There is nothing we can do for you and your squinting Joan. Just try to keep those eyes open. You can do it, I know you can.
3. Renee Zellweger
Hey Renee. Aren't you impressed I spelled your name correctly? It's tough, right? I don't know what's wrong with your face but I don't think glasses is going to fix it. Maybe some plastic surgery will fix it? Just don't go to Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon
2. Gilbert Gottfried
Gilbert. You're a funny man. You're small too. You're a small funny man. But apparently you never learned to speak with "inside voices" in kindergarten. You also never bought yourself corrective eye lenses because I've never ever seen the white's of your eyes. Do yourself a favor. You can afford glasses. Buy them!
Your name is "French!" Weird! Although the other people on this list squint too much, you never stop squinting. It's like a perpetual thing. Do you need glasses? Did you lodge something up your tuchus? Does it hurt? Get it removed!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: I lost interest in Beck awhile ago. I enjoyed his albums less and less. A lot of it just started to sound the same. His belief in Scientology didn't really impress me much either. But now that he has introduced a newly designed website, he's upped the ante. Beck and his friends rerecorded all of the tracks on the Velvet Underground's debut album, The Velvet Underground and Nico. This could have easily been a disaster, but turned out to be quite enjoyable. Above I embedded a cover of All Tomorrow's Parties, my favorite track on the original album, and my favorite rerecorded track. Listen to it. Enjoy it. Even though Beck probably prayed to Xenu right after the recording session, try to forget about that. What? You can't?
Then check out Beck's interview with Will Ferrell. Not really substantive, but definitely entertaining. Beck is back!!!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you keep up to date with current events, you have probably heard the Philadelphia Eagles have signed Michael Vick. You know how they say a dog is a man's best friend? Well, not Michael Vick. Michael Vick went to jail for two years for running an underground dog fighting ring. Vick drowned, electrocuted and hanged dogs that didn't perform to his expectations. But this is old news. So why am I ragging on him now? I'm not. I'm ragging on the Eagles.
No. Not because they hired an animal torturer/killer. Nope. Not because I don't believe in second chances. Then why? Because now on the Philadelphia Eagles website you can purchase your own Michael Vick jersey for your dog! What better way to scare the buh-jesus out of your pet, than to put a dog killer's jersey on it!? Granted, it's a customizable jersey and the Eagles don't flat-out sell the Vick one, (You have to add Vick's name yourself), but you have to figure someone in the Eagles' marketing department would have pulled this item. You think someone would have figured MAYBE it's a bad idea? What idiots!
So what's my tip of the day? Go out and buy a Michael Vick jersey for your dog and show the Philadelphia Eagles organization what idiots they are. GO JETS!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Hurricane Bill is gathering force over the Atlantic. Watch out Bermuda! A lot of people hate hurricane's because they kill people and wreck their houses. I guess I can understand that. But I say make hurricane's work for you! Use this time of turmoil to your advantage. Is it true your boss didn't give you that raise you were promised? Maybe Hurricane Bill got to your boss? Maybe Hurricane Bill stole his TV and smeared doggie doo all over the carpet? Maybe Hurricane Bill kicked his kid in the head and stole his allowance? Maybe Hurricane Bill liquidated your boss's bank account and spent the money at the race track? Crazy things happen in hurricanes.* Remember that.
*Please note, if you don't live near the coast, using hurricanes as an alibi is probably not going to fly in court. However, if you live in a city with an NHL team, you can blame it on the Carolina Hurricanes, if need be.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: What's wrong with me? I can't think of anything interesting to say! I think the combination of work and this cold I came down with has rendered my mind useless. I got writer's block. I tried overcoming this writer's block but I've been pretty unsuccessful so far. So what's my tip of the day?
Things I Thought Would Cure Writer's Block, But Didn't:
Whoever said PCP was a fun ride was definitely lying. Maybe it's fun if you think chasing your legs (which are running away) around the house and losing the ability to form coherent sentences for six hours is fun. What? No one said that? Oops
Wasn't it Shakespeare who said "Everyone loves a hooker?" No? Hemingway? Lil John? Lil Kim? Lil Bow Wow? Man, I should make a rule, no following random advice if I can't attribute the advice to anyone. Anyway, hookers are good for diseases and nine point popularity slides in congressional campaigns. Unfortunately, they are not good for curing writer's block.
I prayed to Jesus to cure my writer's block. Nothing happened. Maybe Jesus Ramirez isn't God after all?
So, if you are ever in a bind...and you've got writer's block.... PCP, hookers and religion are not the solution.....well seperately they're not......but what if you have sex with hookers on PCP while praying to Jesus Ramirez? ....hmmm...I'll be right back....
Monday, August 10, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Welcome to Scott's Tip Of The Day's First Contest...WITH PRIZES!!! Prizes, I tell you!!!
The nice guys over at http://wholesalekeychain.com, offered to provide me with some key chains to be used in a promotional giveaway. All I had to do was agree to review their promotional key chains. They didn't even make me sell my soul! Clearly, I said yes. It was an easy decision. So let me describe the prizes....er....review the key chains.
Here is a snappy pic of the key chain I will be giving away: http://wholesalekeychain.com/bottle-opener/bevlevel.html. It's a bottle opener!!! For opening....wait for it....wait for it.... BOTTLES!!! Except it will say "Scott's Tip Of The Day" on it. This way you will remember the great times we had together. You and Scott. Scott and you. When we frolicked in that field with the butterflies. Or that time we skinny dipped in the lake. How about that time we beat a homeless man with a metal baseball bat? Ah, yes. Those were the days. We were crazy young whippersnappers and the world was our oyster. Well, now you can remember those times forever, with this limited edition Scott's Tip Of The Day key chain.
The key chain will be a great conversation starter. You can snap open some bottles of sody pop, or a 40 oz Colt-45 (works every time) for your friends and be all "Check out what I won from the coolest blog in the world: a small metal bottle opener keychain imprinted with 'Scott's Tip Of The Day'." You can continue to recount how your friend, Scott, actually requested that the keychain read 'Scott's Tip Of The Day, http://scottstipoftheday.blogspot.com,' but there wasn't enough room on the keychain, and that they printed up the keychain without the html address and Scott didn't find out this unfortunate fact until after the keychains were produced and sent to Scott. Yes, that's right. When you tell the story you can pretend how Scott is your close personal friend, when in reality you don't even know his last name. It will be fun! What's a lie here or there? You didn't kill anyone, right? And so what if you did? They probably deserved it? Or at the very least you probably had a good reason. Or maybe not? But what's a murder or two between friends?
Anyway, I digress. You can probably tell it's a pretty awesome keychain, even if you can't imprint a ton of writing on it. But did you really need a lot of words imprinted on the keychain? If you are looking to open bottles, this keychain is for you. If you are looking to write the directions to a hidden treasure, a journal would probably serve you better. Oh, one more thing. Although you can open imported beer bottles with this keychain, since Colt 45 40 oz. bottles are screw off's, you can't really use a bottle opener to open them. Shame on you for not realizing that earlier. You just kept reading the blog entry didn't you! You have to learn to pay attention!
The first 3 people with the best answer to this question will win not only win a keychain, but their answer will be included in a post on my blog. OOOhhh!!! Exciting!!!!
The question is: You encounter myself, Scott, the all-knowing guru, on the streets of Manhattan. It's noon on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Although I have unfathomably awesome plans that evening, my schedule is free until 7PM. For ten minutes you beg and beg to entertain me and keep me company, and eventually I aquiesse and reluctantly agree. You tell me you will treat me to the craziest, adventure-filled afternoon ever. I say "OK, lets do it." Where do you take me? What do we do? Do we have fun?
Remember, I like brown nosing but that might not be enough to win this competition. It's a safe bet the most entertaining answer will win. And if you're thinking of bribing me, let me just tell you right now: I LOVE bribes.
Please email your responses to firstname.lastname@example.org. Winners will be announced August 28th. I will accept entries until I post the winning letter. Don't forget to include your name and address so I can mail you your prize. If you don't include this info, your entry is invalid.
Remember guys, this prize is pretty amazing. It's a great bottle opener. It opens bottles. It does it's job. My review? 10/10. And it can be yours. Do you have what it takes?
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: The past few months I've heard enough about Robert Pattinson to last me a lifetime. Honestly, what's the big deal? He looks perpetually stoned. Can you brush your hair please, Robert? I'll buy you a brush. I will brush it for you. Jesus man. You look like a vagrant. Pattinson kind of looks like he came down with a bit of down syndrome too. Girls go crazy over him. US Weekly and all of those awful magazines won't stop writing about him. And why? Because of Twilight? Seriously?
What's with this obsession with vampires? One of the first appearances of a vampire in modern culture was the film "Nosferatu." It's a known fact that the vampire is supposed to be a jew on the wild. Driving the townsfolk crazy. Watch out for the Jew! Ah antisemitism. Thank you F.W. Murnau for propagating stereotypes and using the art of cinema to hate on the Jewish people. The big hook nose on Nosferatu? Yeah, not a coincidence. I'm not making this up! I'm not a paranoid. I learned this from a lezbo (not lipstick, unfort) film professor in college. She's not the only one who wrote/lectured on it. Google it. It's a fact people.
Lets put antisemitism aside for a second. Lets face it. Vampires are pretty stupid. "Roar! I'm really pale! I dislike garlic and wooden crosses. I suck blood. I am very strong." Sounds pretty retarded. Retarded! That's what vampires are. Retarded...
Why are vampires retarded?
-They don't come out in the day. This is probably not due to the fact they can't tolerate sunlight, but attributable to the fact vampires are afraid to be mocked and ostracized for their mongoloidian appearance and unrefined mannerisms. Think Boo Radley.
-They are strong. Extremely strong. Retard strength strong.
-They have irrational fears of garlic. Really? It will stink up your breath (I can't really criticize them them for their fear of religious symbolism. Religion scares a lot of people. Even religious people.)
-They drink blood. Totally a retard move. That's not apple juice in my veins! Stop drinking it! I need that to live, stupid!
Maybe Pattinson was a good choice for the role of a vampire? A retard playing a retard! Perfect. Call me insensitive. Call me an assh**e. But I didn't write the movies. I didn't direct them. I didn't invent vampires. I just educated the world about them. My advice? If you wanna read about a mongoloid read To Kill A Mockingbird. If you wanna watch one on TV watch Richard Simmons dancing to the oldies. Twilight? It's not for you. Give it a rest. Leave it alone. Let someone else watch it.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. A wise man said that. Well, I don't know that he was wise. He could have been a moron. It's possible that's the only intelligent thing he ever said. But you know what? It wasn't even intelligent. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger? What about a knife? What if a guy cuts kidnaps you and cuts a big chunk of your Achilles heel off of your foot? With prompt medical attention, that won't kill you. But that won't make you stronger. See what I mean? That "wise man" should have said:
"Whatever doesn't kill you will probably strike the fear of God into you and you'll have issues the rest of your life... issues that tens of thousands of dollars worth of therapy won't fix, of which you will pay a sh*t-ton out of pocket because your insurance provider is gonna try and screw you, because that's what they always do, and no amount of calls or complaints to your provider, or suggestions to your boss to change coverage/plans is ever gonna fix that, so you might as well not even complain and spend your time playing Nintendo Wii instead, that is if after your insurance company raped your wallet, you can still afford a Nintendo Wii, the optional add-on accessories, the extra controller, the memory card, the games or an apartment with enough room to flail your arms wildly, without smashing into ceilings or walls."
Monday, August 3, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: This past weekend I rode the L train to my girlfriend's apartment in Brooklyn. As I am now desensitized to the regular swam of hipsters, it was a relatively uneventful ride...that is until I saw this poster (see above). At first I thought this chick was flashing me a gang sign. Then I realized she lost her fingers.... from smoking. I imagine she was smoking cigarettes. Maybe crack? They really should have specified on the poster. What am I not supposed to smoke? Everything? But you know what my biggest problem with this poster is? No, it's not that it's slightly out of focus. It's that I don't know this chick. How do I know she lost her fingers from smoking? Maybe she had a horrible bread cutting machine accident in the deli? Was she too impatient for the dude behind the counter to cut her marble rye? Maybe she was riding in the car and stuck her hands out the window. My Dad always told me not to do that! Why should I trust you NYC? How do I know this isn't a cheap propoganda campaign?
Why do I have to look at this poster, NYC? Why would you do that to me? Isn't it bad enough I have to look at vagrants, hipsters, fifi dogs dressed in designer sweaters, crying babies, crying elderly people, tourists and ladies with fake fingernails longer than an unrolled pack of Bubble Tape? You have a budget crisis, NY? Stop with the lecturing! Stop taking pictures of fat ladies missing fingers. Put that money into the Police Department instead. Maybe you can buy the police some new batons...that they can use to beat hipsters.