Thursday, February 25, 2010
Scott's Tip Of The Day: A Killer Whale killed someone yesterday. Who would have thought an animal with "Killer" in its name would go and do a thing like that? Well, for future reference stay away from people or animals that have "Killer" in their name. Also avoid people animals with "Diaper, Crackhead or Cosby" in their names as well.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Are you looking for a blog to advertise on? A place where you can get your message to millions of different people all over the world? Well, look no further. Scott's Tip Of The Day is the right blog for you. All sorts of people read Scott's Tip Of The Day... and not just the misinformed masses or the learning disabled (though they do comprise a substantial percentage of avid readers). Furthermore, Scott's Tip Of The Day has not yet been censored in China. GO FREEDOM OF SPEECH!. OK, well scratch that. Now it is. It's probably censored all over China now....PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC of China....Hell yeah, Taiwan!
Bloods and crips can't agree on a lot these days, but do you know what they can agree on? I mean, besides the street price for crack? That Scott's Tip Of The Day is the best blog on the internet. Just the other day a crip who wishes to remain nameless told me that I was his "Cholo!" He asked me to go peel some caps with him next Thursday. Now I know I've made it!
So how do you advertise? Just contact firstname.lastname@example.org and we'll put something together that works for you. No freebies though. Doritos wanted me to put ads up for free. They pay millions of dollars for Super Bowl adverts but they can't throw Scott's Tip Of The Day a few bones to advertise on his site? Fine. Get your wanna-be nacho chips out of my face! Tostitos are better anyway! And I never caught AIDS eating Tostitos.*
*I never caught AIDS eating anything, so please don't read too much into this.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you don't shovel all of the snow off your car, but you still decide to drive on the highway, that snow is going to fly off of your car onto other motorists behind you. This is not cool. Take five extra minutes and brush that snow off of your roof. This way when I get stuck behind you, I won't lose control of my car, crash into a guard rail, hurt myself, get angry, go to my friend at the police station, have him trace your plates for me, buy a samurai sword, come to your house at 3AM on a Thursday and disembowel your family. It's win-win.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Scott's Tip Of The Day: From time to time I get feedback from my readers. I like feedback. I like questions. Email me anytime (email@example.com) I received the following email today:
I am in a bit of a pickle. I'm only a few months away from being engaged to my long time boyfriend. But he isn't the problem. My family is. I only like 39% of them (I did the math). And that's probably about the same who actually likes me. I can't stand them. I'm the weird black sheep.
So what's a girl to do? It's a big family, and we're all used to two-three day events, with the wedding reception being full of booze and drunk, alcoholic uncles trying to pick up the several thousand dollar bar tab.
I have no friends to speak of, and I feel obligated to have my older sister as a bridesmaid, who talks to me like I'm one of her patients and she's trying to go all Shrink on me.
Oh, Scott. I'm sure you know little on the matters of women on their wedding day, and I'm not even engaged yet, but my family is making me dread the whole affair.
Maybe I'll just move to Australia....But the spiders would freak me out.
All the best from your freak fan,
Pickles, Howard, Missouri (Not my real name, obviously)
I am sorry to hear you're stressed out. In the past two years I have been to seven weddings, so I can understand what you're going through. These weddings are a big hooplah. It sounds like you have two issues issues here
-your alcoholic family, most of which you don't like.
As far as your sister goes, it sounds like she's really annoying. A real Debbie Downer. You have a few options here. The first option is to tell her to stop acting like a know-it-all bitch or you won't let her be your bridesmaid. Tell her you're prepared to go bridesmaidless if necessary. Tell her if it comes down to your neighbor's dog and her, the neighbor's dog will probably win, assuming you can find a suitable dress for the dog.
Your second option is to fight fire with fire. Anytime she expresses an opinion on anything, you should quote articles that don't exist to contradict her. For instance, if she says "I told you not to park in that handicapped spot, I knew you were going to get a ticket," you can reply "I guess you didn't read that article in the Economist last month that discussed a study conducted by Swiss statisticians. It demonstrated that able-bodied women who park in handicapped parking spaces are 99% likely to have a bitchy sister that doesn't know when to shut the f**k up."
Now, lets tackle that annoying family problem....
Everybody has an annoying family. You are not the only one. The average person's family is comprised of 20%-60% annoying people. I know this because I read that in a study, conducted by Swiss statisticians, that was published in the Economist last month. You are not alone. The question is how do you deal with it? There is only one solution to this problem.
If you drink as much as they do, you won't care what's going on. Wait until all of your wedding pictures are taken and then drink a bottle of vodka. You will black out. You won't remember much but when you look back at your pictures you will say Wow, I look great, this was a fun time. You won't even remember hunching over on the dance floor and hurling on Jerry, your six-year-old nephew. He will remember. He will never forgive you. But you didn't ask me how to keep from upsetting little Jerry, you asked me how to get through your wedding. As always, I delivered. Good luck to you, Pickles. Mazel Tov!!!!
Scott's Tip Of The Day: I'm a big poker fan and http://www.pokerjunkie.com posted a blog entry I wrote on poker here (http://www.pokerjunkie.com/poker-blog/live-poker/4-characters-you-dont-want-at-your-poker-table). Please check it out when you get a chance! Here is a recent article written on pokerjunkie.com for you guys to read, as well. Enjoy!
This list was originally posted on PokerJunkie.com.
Highroller or flat broke, as long as you like showing off to your poker buddies at the Sunday night home game, this list is for you. We have collected some of the most expensive and luxurious poker accessories with the cheapest and weirdest.
You might need to cash in your bankroll and to afford these items. Then when Stuart calls your AA all-in pre-flop with seven, duce of spades and hits his runner runner flush draw, consider assessing your losses at one of these poker sites.
18. Fossilman’s Lucky Charm Fossils
Want a good-luck charm that has evidently helped win the World Series of Poker Main Event? Try Greg “Fossilman” Raymer’s card protectors. They are made from fossils that have accumulated pure luck for about 330 million years in the Atlas Mountains in Morocco. The Fossilman sells them on his website for a modest $39.95/piece.
17. Poker Genie Home Tournament Manager Timer
If you want your home games to look professional, there’s no substitute for a real tournament timer. The Poker Genie keeps track of your blind schedule and will even tell you how many chips of each color you should issue each player. Wave goodbye to stupid questions such as “How big are the blinds?”
16. Paulson Clay Poker Chip Set
With or without the Mahogny case, you're sure to get respect from your poker buddies as long as you go with Paulson made clay chips. Just chips, in different volumes, here.
15. Poker Pendant Swag Lamp
Is there something missing? Is you basement still just a basement lacking any resemblance to those cool undergrown poker clubs in the movies? No worries, a proper poker lamp might suffice.
14. Your Own Dealer
A home game just isn't balling enough without an own dealer. Relief your guests from the burden and stress of shuffling and dealing the cards, and do what any rich person would do: Dial a dealer instead.
13. Poker Table with Built-in Refrigerator
Besides the gold decorated cup holders, the elegant light-strand and leather paddings, what makes The Gamebar exceptional is this: At the touch of a button, a refrigerator elevates from within the middle of the table.
12. Paulson® Poker Chip Set
In regards to clay poker chip manufacturing, Paulson is the the best. And this 750 chip set with case in Mahogny is sold at Amazon for around $1000. Expensive enough for ya?
11. Automatic Poker Dealer
If you are of a geekier nature, a robot dealer might interest you. Still only a University project, be sure that this bad boy will hit the market any time now. Be the first to introduce E.T to your home games!
10. Stainless Steel Card Deck
The most expensive deck of cards ever purchased cost around $140,000, acquired by a Metropolitan Museum of Art in 1983, and is believed to be the first deck of cards, completely painted by hand. For the more mainstream consumer however, there's the stainless steel deck with the design etched into the metal. for around $350.
9. Las Vegas Dealer Cap
If renting your own dealer to the Sunday night poker game isn't an option, you can always draw straws over who should shuffle up and deal. Looser get's to wear this elegant head piece.
8. Regals Poker Tables
We simply cannot leave the topic poker tables without mentioning some of the custom artwork by Regal. The price will vary depending on what you want, but count on a four digit figure.
7. Shuffle Tech Professional Card Shuffler
We all know how unreliable regular card shufflers are, which is why you need a professional grade card shuffler. Shuffle Tech has allegedly gone to lengths to assure that its machines accurately replicate the ancient art of traditional hand shuffling. For a mere $500 at Amazon you can get your hands on this amazing piece of next-gen technology.
6. Poker Hands Poster
Poker posters like this one have a decorative element, but should be hung on the wall primarily for educational purposes. In every home game there is always at least one hand that causes argument. And while this particular poster is limited to explaining which hands beat which, do not assume everybody knows.
5. Personalized Poker Cigar Humidor
Which poker game is complete without cigars? And to keep 'em humid and fresh for many home games to come, this customized Cigar Humidor is essential indeed. For a whopping $59.95 it's yours at Groomsmen.com.
4. Comfortable Poker Chairs
For those long tournaments or cash game sessions you want to keep your guests comfortable, even if their're just old frat buddies and colleague. The more comfortable they are, the less attention they will pay at the game. Combine these chairs with a cooler full of Bud and rest assure, you turn out on top.
3. Poker Tableware
Though this might score low on the macho-barometer, these poker snack bowl set is almost to fitting to pass up. Worst come to worst, tell the boys it was your girlfriend or mother who bought them. Any remarks to that excuse you'll just have to take.
2. Classic Card Decks
Another, perhaps not as expensive or exclusive, but more classic is the many different decks by Bicylce or Copagcards.
1. bwin's Poker Clock for iPhone
For the proud iPhone (+iPod Touch) owner a digital alternative to the Poker Genie timer is available. bwin has released the free application Poker Clock. A handy match to your kitchen timer. Keep track of blind levels and overall game stats, download through the App Store.