Thursday, September 30, 2010

Car Pooping




Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you are going to poop in your girlfriend's car then make sure it actually is your girlfriend's car.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 15



Scott's Tip Of The Day: I received the following email today.....

Hi,
Specific question 1: Do you bother addressing negative comments, or just delete them and move on?
2. Have any of the bloggers you've asked flat out refused to add a link or are most people generally cool about that?
3. You've been pretty open about using your name, no one's stalked you or anything weird?

thanks again,

~Jessica


Thanks for the email, Jessica.

1. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. My opinion is always the right one though. So I don't really go crazy when someone doesn't like what I'm putting out there. You can't please everyone. My sense of humor isn't for everyone. Sometimes I find the negative reactions funny. Like when I posted about pregnancy tests. If you're foolish enough to take that seriously, you aren't worth arguing with. If a negative comment is constructive criticism, I'll take it seriously. If it's a difference of opinion, I don't worry about it.

2. Bloggers have definitely flat out refused to link to me. I haven't really looked to exchange links in awhile, but when I first started blogging I was doing it a lot. Some bloggers were really rude, pompous, arrogant and dismissive. Others were friendly and encouraging. You're throwing a lot of crap at the wall and some of it's gonna stick. But most of it will just kind of fall off the wall and land on your carpet creating an awful mess that leaves you wondering why you thought it was a good idea to throw doody at the wall in the first place.

3. I only started really being open about my identity recently. So far no stalkers. Keep your fingers crossed for me! I have gotten a lot of nice fan mail from you guys though and I appreciate it a lot. If you have any other questions feel free to hit me up at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Discover Cards PART 2



Scott's Tip Of The Day: About two hours after sending my email to David Nelms, CEO of Discover Card, he emailed me back.

This is what he wrote:


25% of US households have Discover Cards, our acceptance is better than American Express (we are getting closer to Visa and MasterCard), and we pay out over $750 million/year in Cash Back Bonus awards to our Customers who use us more than 1 billion times each year. We do market prospects to let them know about our no-fee awards program (which is the largest in the industry) and industry-leading customer service. Perhaps you might be more interested in our high-yielding FDIC-insured CDs and Moneymarket accounts which you can view at Discover.com? I will request that you get added to our "do not mail" list, and apologize that our marketing was not appealing to you.

Sincerely,

David Nelms


Oh Snap! Did I just get served? After taking the weekend to think of an approrpriate response, I sent the following reply to Mr. David Nelms 10 minutes ago.

Mr. David Nelms,

I live in New York City and was out and about at multiple birthday parties and informal get-togethers this past week. i am a 27-year-old attorney who is friends with other young professionals. Bankers, accountants, lawyers, advertisers. I asked probably 100 people if they had a Discover card (or any interest in obtaining one) and not one said yes. Some were puzzled as to why they should even be interested in the card. I also asked my father, who is in his early 60's. His response was "They should call that card 'Undiscovered' because no one uses it." He sure is a jokester.

Is your card more popular in other geographic locations or among other socio-economic classes? Given my informal polling I find 25% to be a really high number. None of the bars or restaurants I went to in NYC accepted Discover either.

Even though your statistics appear grossly inflated and I am not inclined to accept them as 100% accurate, I appreciate your quick response and I know you are a busy guy, so it's cool you took the time out to answer my email. Thank you also for addressing my problem with all of the promotional material appearing in my mailbox. Now there is room in my mailbox for magazines and the mailman doesn't have to drop them on the floor.

If you ever find yourself in NYC on business and you want to pick an average guy's brain, hit me up. I'll tell you what the man on the street things. I can bring my girlfriend and she can tell you what the woman on the street thinks. We can go grab dinner. Or drinks. Bring cash though because they probably aren't going to accept your Discover Card. :-)

-Scott


If I get a response, you guys will be the first to know. Questions? Comments? Concerns? Hit me up at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com.

UPDATE**********************************************

He responded within 5 minutes!

Scott: Yes, NYC is probably our worst market (and it's Amex's best market)--in part because there are so many small retailers vs large chains (Discover leads the industry with the largest national retailers). This is changing quickly because of our newer open business model in which all of the same providers of Visa and MasterCard are now including Discover (enabled a few years ago after DOJ vs Visa/MasterCard antitrust case). I think you should notice a big improvement in acceptance (and card usage) in your area over the next few years. Thanks for your interest.

David


He doesn't seem that interested in going out for drinks though. Lame.

Friday, September 24, 2010

The Interview



Scott's Tip Of The Day: New to blogging? Check out my interview over at The Unusual Suspects. You'll get some insight into how I got my blog up and running and how I approach blogging in general.

I'm Published




Scott's Tip Of The Day: When Blogs of Note featured me on their blog it did amazing things for Scott's Tip Of The Day. It got me incredible exposure and opened the doors to a lot of amazing opportunities. I am proud to say I just contributed my first article to Heeb Magazine and you guys can check it out here. Hopefully this is just the beginning and I'll have more articles to share with you soon.

Thanks for making my blog a success. I couldn't have done it without you!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Discover Cards



Scott's Tip Of The Day: Lately I have been getting a lot of junk mail from Discover Cards. Do I want a Discover card? NO! Have I ever expressed interest in obtaining one? NO! But week in, week out I keep receiving the same promotional letters. Discover is killing tree after tree. And you know what? All I do is throw them out. How many trees are they killing?

I decided to express my displeasure. I googled David Nelms corporate email address. He's the CEO of Discover. It is davidnelms@discover.com. I don't expect a response, but I decided to give him a piece of my mind. If he responds, I will be sure to let you know.

Dear Mr. David Nelms,

How are you today? I hope you are well.
I wish I could say the same but I am a little distressed. I keep getting letters from Discover asking me to apply for a credit card. These letters not only arrive at my permanent address, but they arrive at my parents' house too. Addressed to me. Duplicate letters. I haven't lived there in years. Never have I ever opened one of these letters. Not once. Not even as a joke. Straight to the shredder they go. Yes. I shred them. I shred these letters because God knows what kind of personal information you include in there and I don't want my identity stolen.

I am familiar with Discover card. I have seen the commercials. I have also been to enough restaurants, convenience stores and retail outlets to know that no one accepts Discover cards. Mastercard. Visa. American Express. Proprietary establishments accept these cards. Discover? Not so much. Who has a Discover card? No. Seriously. That wasn't a rhetorical question. I am seriously asking because I don't know one person who uses it.

Discover is like the Boost Mobile of the credit card industry. It's ghetto. You run a bootleg operation. You are the Kennedy Fried Chicken of fast food chicken joints. If you were a 1990's pump sneaker you would be the L.A. Gear, not Reebok. You are the RC Cola of the soft drink industry. The only way I would ever request a Discover card is if my credit was completely maxed out on all of my other credit cards and I was pre-approved. I would then max-out your pre-approved Discover card (if I could find a store that accepted it), declare Bankruptcy and go through great lengths to make sure you never collected the money I spent on the useless products I purchased with it.

Your company is killing so many trees by sending these letters out. How many trees have you killed today, David? I am not even talking about other people. I am just talking about tress you killed to send me junk mail! Please stop sending me these letters! You are ruining the environment for no reason! Plus you are spending money to send these out that could go toward health care or other benefits for your employees. Wouldn't that be money better spent?

Look. I know this letter is a little harsh. But I couldn't sugarcoat how I feel. It wouldn't be honest. It wouldn't be right. I imagine you are insulated in a board room bubble and you don't quite understand your company's perception to the general public. I am not some fringe loony. I'm not an ultra liberal hippy or a religious right conservative. I am a successful attorney and businessman. I have normal interests, hopes and dreams. I am John Q. America. If you want to improve the public perception of your company it's going to take a lot of work. First and foremost, business establishments have to start accepting your credit card. No one needs another piece of useless plastic in their wallet. Second, maybe your company should establish creative promotions that would encourage people to obtain one of your credit cards. Sending me tons of junk mail is not creative. It makes me angry. Low APR rates are not creative. EVERYONE HAS LOW INTRODUCTORY APR rates. You are turning people off from your company on multiple fronts. It's almost like you asked your employees to create a multi-pronged attack to annoy potential customers.

If you want to have a serious, frank conversation I would love to talk to you. I think I could give you a lot of insight. Clearly all of the money you are spending on market research is a complete waste. Your company could do a lot better. Don't you think you can do better?

Email me back if you are interested. I would be happy to talk at your convenience.

-Scott

Cinnamon Toast Crunch



Scott's Tip Of The Day: Remember when there used to be three chefs on the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box? Well one day two of them dissapeared. I decided to get to the bottom of this.

Consumer Dear General Mills, I have been eating your cereals for years. I have a quick question. When I was a kid, Cinnamon Toast Crunch had three chefs on the box. One of them was Wendall who is still on the box today. Somewhere along the line the other two Chefs disappeared. What happened to them? Did they retire? Are they OK? What were their names? Thanks for your help -Scott


And their response...

Dear Mr. Solomon:

Thank you for contacting us concerning Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. We appreciate the opportunity to address this matter.

These little guys were cute bakers complete with chef hats and aprons. Wendell was the only baker that was named, and due to consumer feedback, we chose have just one baker and to feature him as the "Cinnamon Toast Baker" where he has remained in this title role since 1991. We like to think that the other two bakers retired.



Thank you for your interest!

Sincerely,

Pat Frances
Consumer Services


Consumer feedback? Who would complain about cartoon bakers with chef hats? This was 1991. People were more concerned with the Gulf War. Not cartoon bakers. This just isn't adding up. They like to consider the bakers "retired." So what did you learn today, kids? When someone says cartoons are retired what they really mean is they were taken out to the pasture and shot. SHAME ON YOU GENERAL MILLS. SHAME ON YOU!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Unexplainable Strangeness



Scott's Tip Of The Day: Sometimes things make no sense. You just have to accept them. Like the youtube video above. It is what it is. A mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in another mystery. The only person who seems to grasp the essence of this is youtube user "ScrewLimbBizkit." He poignantly said (in the Top Rated Comments section): "This song is like what you hear when you get aids trying to find the cure for aids and then you find the cure and cure your own aids." Well, how can I argue with that?

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 14



Scott's Tip Of The Day: I received the following email in my inbox this morning....

Hello Scott.

I was checking out the blog a "friend" of mine has started and came accross blogs she has been following. I was really enjoying the customer service on Jack Daniels and clearly South Africa has better customer service than wherever it is you live... Where is that by the way?

Thought the letter from Cheese Face was funny too... Cheese Face. hahahaha :)

Then I moved onto something which shocked me to my core! APPLE JUICE over ORANGE JUICE. At first glance I thought it would be about O.J Simpson, only to see it was from a sneaky little South African named SUICIDE KITTEN! You can imagine my dispare when I read through the blog and realised sweet little Kitten was plotting my downfall!

So here is my question, how do I get back at a little Kitten who is plotting to turn me into a PINK fluffy bunny!?! I have seen her plans for my outfit and they are scarey! A bright PINK speedo with a PINK fluffy tail attached, Big Ears and fluffy NIPPLE-CAPS!!! It will be my first trip to Comic Con (she has been three times already) and I think she would look alot better in the nipple-caps than I will!!! So? Some advice on how to take down the Kitten with a death wish?

Just for a little revenge I have already decorated her room in Twilight pictures :) with a little help from her sister. Can't wait to see her face when she gets back from work :) I'll send you a pic if I survive. I guess if she kills me, I wont have to worry about being a pink bunny in nipple-caps.

Much Thanks,

Jarred.


Jarred,

I live in NYC. The big apple. The city that never sleeps. The only city that matters. As far as Suicide Kitten goes...
I think you are being a bit dramatic. Plotting your downfall? Wearing a strange costume at Comic Con is pretty much par for the course. It doesn't seem like she is trying to bring you down. Quite the contrary actually.

It sounds like you and Suicide Kitten have crushes on each other. Are you guys more than friends? Even though you're complaining about getting embarrassed, all I am really hearing is "Man, I totally have a crush on Suicide Kitten." Have you told her you loved her? Have you guys ever hooked up?

Before we address the costume situation, I really think you need to tell her how you feel. Maybe you can even exchange sexual favors for not wearing the costume. It puzzles me why you would make a bet like that and put yourself in that position in the first place, but what's done is done. Go to Kitten's house and profess your undying love for her. Let me know what happens.

If you have any other questions please feel free to hit me at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com. Thanks!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Jack Daniels



Scott's Tip Of The Day: Don't write letters to Jack Daniels expecting a response. After waiting about a week, I have come to terms with the fact that a response is unlikely. If per chance they do respond I will update this blog entry and post the reply.

Anyway, this is what I wrote them....


Dear Jack Daniels,

Yesterday was my 21st birthday. We don't usually celebrate birthdays where I come from (Swaziland) so it was a momentous occasion. My family and I recently moved to New Jersey and I am having a great time learning about the United States.

My birthday was actually the first time I ever consumed alcohol. My father bought me a bottle of Jack Daniels for this special day and he told me this was a very American drink. A special drink that when consumed in large quantities could make me extremely happy. I thanked my father. I drank a pint glass of Jack Daniels. I was expecting it to taste like Coca Cola but it was very harsh going down. I gagged a few times but I did not want to disappoint my father so I consumed the whole glass. Shortly thereafter, I became very dizzy and vomited. My father got very disappointed in me and questioned my masculinity. It was very very embarrassing. Did I do something wrong when consuming your beverage? Is it possible that there was something wrong with it? Please let me know. My father and I are not currently on speaking terms because I refuse to finish the bottle.

Thanks.


Who works in customer service over there? You have a quality control issue on your hands! Snap to it!

Monday, September 20, 2010

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 13



Scott's Tip Of The Day: I received the following email in my inbox this morning...

Hey, Scott,

I am a fellow reader of your blog and was reading a few of your older posts and came across the one where you drank the 17 year old Pepsi. First, WHY? Why would you do that? No normal person would do that, depending on your definition of normal. Anyways, I watched the video you had posted and realized that you look like that dude Cal, fro iCarly. He's the dude who helped Carly with her science project by helping her build a nuclear powered generator. So I was wondering, have you ever been in the acting biz? At all, cuz I mean, you looked a lot like that actor.

Cheese Face (note-- note my real name. It's just the name i use to blog with.)


Cheese Face,

Originally, my friend Jordan was supposed to drink the Diet Crystal Pepsi. I told him I would purchase it if he would drink it. He got cold feet. I could not and would not let this go to waste. I also promised some friends that someone would drink it. I always keep a promise. Jordan got me some beers at a White Sox-Yankees game and we called it even.

Additionally, I never claimed to be "normal." I don't really think a "normal" person would write most of the material on my blog. What is normal anyway? Run-of-the-mill? Boring? Who wants to read a boring blog by a boring person?

Although I am familiar with the show iCarly I have never seen a full episode. You think I look like Cal? I posted a pic on the top of this post. Should I be flattered? Do you have a crush on me? Is that a good thing? Do I look like a actor or do I just look like that actor? Can you make me famous? Do I have to do porn first? I am pretty sure that's a bad idea. My mom would be so mad at me if I was in a porn movie. How do I explain that? I guess I would be in a porn if I didn't have to get naked. I could be listed in the credits as "Pizza Man #2 (the pizza man that does not get naked). Yeah! That could work! But just in case any serious directors are reading this and casting for a legitimate film, I would be happy to act in it.

Any other questions? Want to hire me to be in a movie where I don't have to show dong? Email me at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you!

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 12




Scott's Tip Of The Day: I woke up with the following email in my inbox this morning....

Hello Mr Scott :)

(S.A has a presenter on Mnet named Scott Scott, hope you are not that unfortunate)

I am new to blogging and you have to be one of my favourite bloggers so far... One of my best friends is in love with the Twilight books and I have never understood why. I tried my best to read at least one but alas it made me want at chew my own arm off regurgitate it and feed it to my pet Parana. (to put it lightly) Still I am a good friend and wanted to find out what this obsession with the sparkly manic depressant pedophile was all about, so I watched the movie... I found it to be quite enjoyable... Not because it was a good movie (it was awful) but because the entire theater was filled with girls aged 14 to 30ish and two fabulous gay guys who could not control themselves throughout the entire movie... It was like watching BBC Wildlife. They were screaming and getting all giddy about some boy covered in glitter not eating the girl who smells like dinner... I doubt I will ever understand the love for Vampires... I mean yes pale boys who dress well are VERY attractive but I can move to Canada to get one of those. I don't know if you have visited http://theoatmeal.com/ (love this site) Mr Oatmeal Guy explained it to me and I now understand. http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight Tried to get my mate hooked on some grown up books but she was not interested... So I have distracted her with Terry Pratchett until I can find an appropriate Twilight substitute... Any ideas? I tried to get her to read The Agony and the Ecstasy (one of my favourites) but she didn't get through the first chapter. Anyway, thanks for the entertainment :)

Oh and I have an ongoing bet with a friend as to which is better Apple or Orange juice. We have one year to find as many people as possible to pick one. We fly to Comic-Con next year and the loser has to go as a Pink Fluffy Bunny. There are no rules in place which say I can not ask bloggers. It will hold up in court! Which do you prefer? (P.S. I say Apple is better and I really don't want to be a Pink Fluffy Bunny)

Ciao,

Suicide Kitten :)


Wow Suicide Kitten,

Mr. Scott? Thanks but you don't need to call me Mr. Scott. Scott's OK. We're all friends here. No need for formalities.

I actually bought a shirt a few months ago that addresses your question on apple juice vs. orange juice. See the pic directly above my post. Yeah. I actually bought that shirt and wear it. So, drink apple juice because O.J. will kill you.

Well if you want to get your friend into grown up books, I would pick something fun. Something that's exciting from the get go. A few posts ago I recommended Hunter S Thompson. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72 is a great book, full of drugs, politics and adventure. If you don't find it captivating, I don't really know where to start.

I guess if you don't think your friend can handle adult books yet, maybe ease her in with R.L. Stein young adult books and gradually work your way up to grown up stuff. Or start her on intelligent magazines. The New Yorker has cartoons. Cartoons and articles? Maybe you can fool her into learning/getting smart.

Thanks for the kind words, Suicide Kitten. Stay away from the sparkly pedophiles and keep it real. If anyone else has any questions feel free to hit me up at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 11



Scott's Tip Of The Day:

I received the following e-mail in my inbox this morning...

Dear Scott,
I like your blog. I also like muffins. Do you like muffins? Cunningham muffins are the best. See here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tcR19y7GPM
Also, this is completely unrelated, but are you Team Edward or Team Jacob? Vampires or werewolves? Nosferatu or Loup-garou? If you could be one, which one would you be? I think I'd be a vampire and then I would get a blood muffin from Cunningham muffns. Plus, if I were a vampire I wouldn't have to wake up in the morning. I hate mornings and morning people piss me off. They would be the people I would eat first.

Domo Origato, Mr Scott-o.

Sincerely,
Brittany aka Looksie Lovitz (No relation to John Lovitz, as clearly this is not my real name and besides, John Lovitz is clearly superior. Why isn't The Critic still on TV??)

http://looksielovitz.blogspot.com/ <<==If you are expecting this to be a hilarious blog. It isn't. At all. It's my really corny book blog that in no way fully expresses my hilarity and awesomeness, but if I don't release my excess corny-ness, it takes over and makes me less awesome. So I recommend not visiting it unless you want to see me obsess about fictional 17 yr old boys. But if that's what you're into, it's cool. I don't judge.


Looksie Lovitz,

I am glad you like my blog, Looksie. I checked out yours. Books and Wits. We don't have the same taste in literature but I won't hold that against you. You like to read. You're passionate about it. I respect your difference in opinion. I mean you could do something crazy like obsess over Twilight instead, right? Oh wait. You already do that.

Believe it or not I have stayed as far away from the Twilight series as possible. I am not a huge fan of vampires. The 1922 film, Nosferatu, was the original vampire flick and it had anti-semetic undertones. Google it. There's a wealth of information on the subject. The vampire represents the "Jewish Plague." As a Jew, that doesn't really make me feel all warm and fuzzy. I'm not big into the anti-semitism. Despite what you hear, I have no vampire super powers....unless you consider a Jew-nose a super power. I tend to get allergies, so no, I don't even have a super sense of smell.

Furthermore, Twilight just looks like a gay porn without the sex. The pretty boys can't act and the dialogue leaves a little to be desired. If I wanted to watch gay porn I would rent gay porn. I prefer to use my leisure time pursuing other more constructive activities. Like writing ridiculous letters to the makers of Jack Daniels and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Yeah. I really did that. So far no response though. But I digress...

Your youtube muffin link is frightening. Maybe the Yom Kippur fast is dulling my sense of humor but I am just not digging it, I'm sorry.

I never used to be a morning person but then I got a job where I have to get to work early. I'm a morning person now, but not by choice, so please don't drink my blood. Since you like Jon Lovitz, maybe drink his? He is a pretty big dude. Plenty of blood. I used to watch the Critic too but I saw an episode recently and it hasn't aged well. There's a lot of good TV on these days. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Eastbound and Down. The Life and Times of Tim. You have other options so I would look toward the future and not get hung up on the past.

I wish you luck with your blog though, Looksie and even though we have our differences I still appreciate your fan mail. I'd check out some other authors though. Tom Wolfe. Hunter S. Thompson. Brett Easton Ellis. Ken Kesey. These guys write good stuff and their books aren't in the kids section. Check em out. But you don't have to take my word for it. Buh nuh nuh!

Friday, September 17, 2010

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 10




Scott's Tip Of The Day: I received the following email in my inbox this morning...

Dear Scott,

Who are you in real life? Do you have to go to the bathroom or do you have powers against it?
Can you swim? How many tips do you actually have? Will you have another tip tomorrow or
more tormentings (I am aware that this is not a real word) of people at Dell? I am here. I am
ready.

Love, Claire


Hey Claire,

"Love Claire?" You signed your email "love?" Has our relationship grown that strong, that quickly? This is all going a little fast for me. I think we need to slow down and take stock of the situation. No, no, Claire. I know what you're thinking and it's not you, it's me.

Anyway, let me address your questions...

Who am I in real life? I'm Scott. I'm an attorney from NYC. My birthday is in a few weeks and I'll be 28. I love to travel, I love music, but I hate cauliflower.

I do go to the bathroom. A lot. I have a small bladder. Once I start drinking, forget about it. Unfortunately I have no ominous "powers against it."

I do know how to swim and I was on varsity swim team in high school. I swam 100 meter breast stroke and the breast stroke in the 200 meter medley relay. Growing up, I worked as a lifeguard and swim lesson instructor too. If you want tips on how to improve one of your strokes, take a video of yourself and send it in and I would be happy to give you some pointers. Seriously.

How many tips do I have? Enough to hold your attention for years and years, Claire. I'm an all knowing guru. I know everything worth knowing. Soon, you will too.

I am done with my series of Dell conversations. I have a few more, but they are not as amusing as the ones I posted and I wouldn't want to bore you.

Now, I have a question for you, Claire. In your email you said "Will you have another tip tomorrow or more tormentings (I am aware that this is not a real word) of people at Dell?" What are you implying? That people who work at Dell do not exist in the real world? Or is it just people from India? India is real. I have never been there but I am pretty sure it exists, even though I haven't seen it with my own two eyes. You better not be implying by blog doesn't exist in the real world. This is very real, Claire. Very real.

I don't like to think of what I do as "tormenting" either. These people get paid whether I kid around with them or not. I never personally attack them and I am a lot more fun than 99% of the people they talk to. I am doing them a favor.

When's my next tip? I'll provide you with tips as often as I can. Sometimes the real world gets in the way. I get kidnapped. Held for ransom. Shot. Caged. If you walked a day in my shoes you would see what I mean. I wear 10 1/2's. Can you fit in those?

I hope I answered your questions to your satisfaction. If anyone else has any questions please feel free to email me at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com. I am looking forward to hearing from you.


UPDATE*********************************

So after re-reading Claire's email I realize she said "real world" and not "real word." I am always right, so obviously it must have been some computer error. In any case, please ignore. In the meantime I will be breaking this computer to pieces. Thanks.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Dell Customer Service Chats Volume 4



Scott's Tip Of The Day: Namaste! So a recap. In 2005, I went to lawschool and owned a Dell laptop. My computer's harddrive broke twice. My AC adapter broke. My laptop bag broke. And now (drum roll please)...........my ethernet broke. What follows is my conversation with a Dell tech support guy. This is the final chapter in the Dell Customer Service Chats series. I hope you have enjoyed it.

Welcome to Dell Chat. Please wait for an available agent. You will be notified when your chat is accepted by an agent.
The session has been accepted.
{Dario 6:59:44 AM}
Thank you for contacting Dell Hardware Warranty Support. MY name is Dario. May I have your name and the telephone number as on our records ?

{ 6:59:53 AM} hi Dario! I like your name!
{ 7:00:01 AM} What kind of name is Dario!?
{ 7:00:09 AM} My problem is When i open my internet connections no LAN Shows up only a wireless, how do i get this lan to show up? what driver do i need to install?

{Dario 7:00:09 AM} Thank you.
{Dario 7:00:13 AM} May I have your full name and phone number as on the records?
{ 7:00:23 AM} scott CENSORED
{Dario 7:00:31 AM} May I also have the address on the account please?

{ 7:00:39 AM} CENSORED
{ 7:00:51 AM} it's me I promise
{ 7:01:06 AM} I yam who i yam, popeye used to say that
{ 7:01:18 AM} So you think you can help me with this little problem I have?

{Dario 7:01:42 AM} Yes. scott.

{ 7:01:45 AM} Nobody knows how to fix it, Fred didn't and Elmira didn't and Sally certainly didn't, all Sally does is cry these days

{Dario 7:01:54 AM} But before that May I have the address to which the system was shipped?

{ 7:02:10 AM} i gave it to you Dario! CENSORED
{ 7:02:23 AM} That is where it was shipped, it was shipped there in a box

{Dario 7:02:29 AM} But I do have a different address on the account.

{ 7:02:33 AM} OH
{ 7:02:36 AM} I have a new address

{Dario 7:02:39 AM} I have a Westbury address.

{ 7:02:42 AM} Is it CENSORED

{Dario 7:02:45 AM} Thank you for the verification.
{Dario 7:02:50 AM} Thank you for the verification.

{ 7:02:53 AM} That is not where it was shipped Dario!
{ 7:02:58 AM} That is my new address! You misspoke!

{Dario 7:03:07 AM} I apologize.

{ 7:03:11 AM} I answered your question correctly! You just asked the wrong question
{ 7:03:23 AM} It's ok, I am in a good mood, so I won't yell or get crazy

{Dario 7:03:34 AM} Scott,as I understand there is no ethernet driver listed,am I right?

{ 7:03:49 AM} You are 100 percent right Dario

{Dario 7:03:52 AM} Since when are you facing this problem?

{ 7:04:05 AM} since my harddrive broke for the second time, you sent me a new one
{ 7:04:11 AM} or dell did rather

{Dario 7:04:15 AM} Okay.

{ 7:04:21 AM} i lost all my music too
{ 7:04:28 AM} Do you like music? I lost all of it

{Dario 7:04:35 AM} I apologize for the inconvenience.

{ 7:04:40 AM} I have this band called "Everyday I break pineapples over my head"

{Dario 7:04:41 AM} I can understand the way you are feeling. I would have felt the same way had I been in your situation

{ 7:04:45 AM} We are really big in Kentucky
{ 7:04:51 AM} I lost our demo when my computer crashed

{Dario 7:04:53 AM} Woderful.

{ 7:05:00 AM} yeah, losing it wasn't too great
{ 7:05:07 AM} I play the kazoo, the guitar and the skin flute

{Dario 7:05:11 AM} Yes,I do understand.
{Dario 7:05:16 AM} Great.

{ 7:05:24 AM} yeah, do you play any instruments?

{Dario 7:05:43 AM} Unfortunately,No
{Dario 7:05:50 AM} But I like music.

{ 7:06:00 AM} Oh yeah? What are your favorite bands?

{Dario 7:06:30 AM} Metallica,Linkin Park and so on.

{ 7:06:59 AM} Ah, Yes, you like the hard stuff!

{Dario 7:07:06 AM} yes.

{ 7:07:10 AM} Stuff you can bang your head to and just rock out! Rock out!!!!!

{Dario 7:07:14 AM} yeah.

{ 7:07:25 AM} awesome, are you in America or India?

{Dario 7:07:31 AM} India.

{ 7:07:40 AM} I bet metallica doesn't tour there too often

{Dario 7:07:47 AM} Yeah.

{ 7:08:03 AM} i live around NYC it's nice, every band hits here when they are on tour
{ 7:08:14 AM} NYC = new york city in case you didn't know
{ 7:08:25 AM} I don't know if the abbreviation is common knowledge
{ 7:08:44 AM} we don't learn abbreviations in primary school, you have to take courses on it in college in america

{Dario 7:08:47 AM} It is common Knowledge here.
{Dario 7:08:54 AM} Yes,I know.
{Dario 7:09:11 AM} Have you installed all the other drivers after installing XP?

{ 7:09:19 AM} Yeah everything else appears to be in working order

{Dario 7:09:49 AM} Are you chatting from the same system?

{ 7:10:03 AM} yes, my wireless works

{Dario 7:10:07 AM} Okay.
{Dario 7:10:10 AM} Click Start, and then right click My Computer and click Properties.
Click Hardware tab on top of the new window.
Click Device Manager right in the middle of the window. The device manager window will pop up.
{Dario 7:10:21 AM} Then click on network adapter.

{ 7:10:22 AM} I am on a wireless network

{Dario 7:10:25 AM} Okay.

{ 7:10:28 AM} I am actually in class in Law school right now!
{ 7:10:36 AM} i am bored so i figured i would solve this problem

{Dario 7:10:38 AM} Okay.
{Dario 7:10:57 AM} Go to the device manager and click on network adapter.

{ 7:11:09 AM} ok
i am there!
{ 7:11:24 AM} there is a big yellow question mark next to 02microsmartcardbus reader

{Dario 7:11:25 AM} Which are the drivers listed?
{Dario 7:11:29 AM} Okay.

{ 7:11:34 AM} but the wireless connection looks cool
{ 7:11:45 AM} Cool as a cucumber, do you have cucumbers in India? Pickles?

{Dario 7:12:04 AM} Yes,we do have cucumbers here.
{Dario 7:12:13 AM} Do you see Broadcom driver listed?

{ 7:12:14 AM} I bet they are good!

{Dario 7:12:21 AM} Yes,they are.
{Dario 7:12:25 AM} Do you see Broadcom driver listed?

{ 7:12:38 AM} no i have intel pro wireless listed then other devices has a question mark and under that all there is is 02 micro smartcardbus reader

{Dario 7:12:45 AM} Okay.
{Dario 7:13:07 AM} I will give you the links to install both Broadcom and the 02 micro smartcardbus reader drivers.

{ 7:13:17 AM} oh great
{ 7:13:20 AM} thank you

{Dario 7:13:27 AM} You are welcome.

{ 7:13:40 AM} How did you get so good at solving these problems?

{Dario 7:13:43 AM} O2 micro cardbus driver
http://support.dell.com/support/downloads/download.aspx?c=us&cs=19&l=en&s=dhs&releaseid=R85239&SystemID=INS_PNT_PM_600M&os=WW1&osl=en&deviceid=2616&devlib=0&typecnt=1&vercnt=3&formatcnt=1&fileid=111661

{ 7:13:49 AM} You guys always answer my questions

{Dario 7:13:56 AM} With a lot of training.

{ 7:14:01 AM} it boggles my mind! I could spend 5 years and i wouldn't know

{Dario 7:14:03 AM} And also working on issues.

{ 7:14:06 AM} is the training boring?

{Dario 7:14:17 AM} No,on the contrary it is very exciting.
{Dario 7:14:24 AM} You get to know a lot of things.

{ 7:14:42 AM} yeah knowing stuff is the coolest

{Dario 7:14:46 AM} Yes.
{Dario 7:15:08 AM} Did you receive the link for the O2 cardbus driver?

{ 7:15:16 AM} i did, i just need one more link i think

{Dario 7:15:20 AM} Yes.
{Dario 7:15:48 AM} Broadcom driver
http://support.dell.com/support/downloads/download.aspx?c=us&cs=19&l=en&s=dhs&releaseid=R107518&SystemID=INS_PNT_PM_600M&os=WW1&osl=en&deviceid=2967&devlib=0&typecnt=3&vercnt=3&formatcnt=1&fileid=139326
{Dario 7:15:49 AM} Click on the link and then save the file on the desktop screen.
{Dario 7:16:07 AM} Then double click on the files that you have saved and install them.

{ 7:16:21 AM} awesome
{ 7:16:29 AM} do you get to listen to metallica at work
{ 7:16:40 AM} Do you have to wear a tie or can you go in a hawaiin shirt?

{Dario 7:16:57 AM} No,the dress code is not Formal.

{ 7:17:11 AM} oh awesome, can you talk to babes online when you are at work?

{Dario 7:17:15 AM} Yes,I do listen to metallica at work.

{ 7:17:20 AM} wow what a job
{ 7:17:43 AM} You listen to music and just kick back in your hawaiin shirt, next thing you will tell me is you can drink bloody mary's and screwdrivers!
{ 7:17:47 AM} that would be the best job ever

{Dario 7:17:59 AM} No,I would not be able to talk to babes online while at work.

{ 7:18:21 AM} if a hot woman asked me for technical help i would just tell her to fly out to india and i would show her personally
{ 7:18:32 AM} i bet you some women would

{Dario 7:18:43 AM} Okay,thank you.

{ 7:18:44 AM} you should try it!
{ 7:18:54 AM} do you work with any hot babes in the office?

{Dario 7:20:10 AM} I certainly work with female colleagues

{ 7:20:26 AM} well some of them must be physically attractive
{ 7:20:41 AM} I am sure they are all mentally stimulating but I bet a select few are "hot mamas"

{Dario 7:23:00 AM} Well,I would not be able to comment on your terminoligies.

{ 7:23:17 AM} Hahaha you are smart! they probably monitor your conversations
{ 7:23:48 AM} You will go far in business if you don't get anyone pregnant, I was going to be a successful business tycoon but i got 3 girls pregnant
{ 7:24:09 AM} then they ask for money
{ 7:24:14 AM} all women want is money and clothes
{ 7:24:25 AM} How much can they shop, Dario, how much can they shop!?
{ 7:25:33 AM} Do any of your friends call you Oreo? Can I call you Oreo, Dario?

{Dario 7:26:10 AM} Is there anything else I can assist you with the system ?

{ 7:26:31 AM} I am sorry you don't like my conversation Oreo
{ 7:26:43 AM} I will work on it, I guess I am terribly boring :-(

{Dario 7:26:48 AM} No,I do like it.

{ 7:27:09 AM} I have another question about my computer yes

{Dario 7:27:19 AM} Yes

{ 7:27:36 AM} So there is a little black splotch on the bottom of my screen, i think the pixels are broken or something
{ 7:27:41 AM} its very small but it is always black
{ 7:27:47 AM} i guess i need a new screen eh?

{Dario 7:27:58 AM} Since when is the pixel on the screen?

{ 7:28:09 AM} a few days ago
{ 7:28:16 AM} it isnt big, but i would guess i cant fix it

{Dario 7:28:24 AM} Do you have an external monitor with you?

{ 7:28:27 AM} i dont know if it is worth getting a new screen for it
{ 7:28:31 AM} No I am in class!
{ 7:28:35 AM} i dont even have one at home

{Dario 7:28:51 AM} Okay.
{Dario 7:29:03 AM} Have you checked the pixel in the bios?

{ 7:29:11 AM} If i had a additional external monitor i probably would have sold it for money to go to the titty bar
{ 7:29:16 AM} Oh no, how do i do that

{Dario 7:29:38 AM} Restart the system and hit the F2 key as soon as you see the Dell logo.
{Dario 7:29:46 AM} You would be in the bios screen.
{Dario 7:30:10 AM} Check the pixel there.

{ 7:30:24 AM} Bios, man computers are so complicated

{Dario 7:30:59 AM} You can also check this link for more information
http://support.dell.com/support/topics/global.aspx/support/kb/en/document?dn=1018431&l=en&langid=1&c=us&cs=19&s=dhs

{ 7:31:29 AM} man you have a link for everything
{ 7:31:36 AM} I dont even know what bios means
{ 7:31:40 AM} i thought you meant biography
{ 7:31:47 AM} Like my computer wrote a biography
{ 7:31:55 AM} Which would be cool, but i mean kind of crazy

{Dario 7:32:23 AM} BIOS is Basic Input and Output System.

{ 7:32:45 AM} Dario, would you agree that SpaceJam is the worst movie of all time?

{Dario 7:34:07 AM} Scott,I have not watched the Movie.

{ 7:34:18 AM} don't, it's horrible!

{Dario 7:34:34 AM} Okay.
{Dario 7:34:35 AM} Is there anything else I can assist you with the system ?

{ 7:34:51 AM} well lets see we talked about bios, my ethernet card.....
{ 7:35:07 AM} if i want to play music on my computer what is the best program?
{ 7:35:12 AM} is winamp the best? what do you use?

{Dario 7:35:33 AM} You can use Winamp or windows media player.

{ 7:35:46 AM} what do YOU use, you are the local expert

{Dario 7:36:18 AM} I use Winamp at Home.

{ 7:36:32 AM} do they not let you download it on your computer at work?

{Dario 7:37:49 AM} No,I am not supposed to listen to music while I work.

{ 7:38:18 AM} hahaha i won't tell anyone, Oreo!
{ 7:38:38 AM} Do you use an american keyboard
{ 7:39:16 AM} how do I say "hello" in indian?

{Dario 7:40:24 AM} Namaste.
{Dario 7:40:29 AM} Is there anything else I can assist you with the system ?

{ 7:40:45 AM} I guess not! Boy, you are in a rush oreo!
{ 7:40:51 AM} Trying to get me out of here!
{ 7:41:04 AM} I am sorry! I am just making friendly conversation!
{ 7:41:14 AM} I figure you get bored at work and talk to mean people

{Dario 7:41:16 AM} No problem,Scott.

{ 7:41:20 AM} So i would go out of my way to be nice
{ 7:41:55 AM} You should lighten up, take it easy, life is too short to go crazy work work working!

{Dario 7:42:36 AM} Okay.
{Dario 7:42:56 AM} When you end the session by clicking the END button at the bottom of the screen, you will receive an invitation to take part in our customer feedback survey. Please spend a minute of your time in providing us with your valuable feedback. This would help us in improving our services." The survey will be on a scale of 1 to 9 where 9 is the best and 1 is the least

{ 7:43:01 AM} I will let you go, I can tell you are a go getter
{ 7:43:09 AM} you want to help the world
{ 7:43:18 AM} Like many young idealistic people
{ 7:43:42 AM} But soon you will realize your efforts have gone in vain, and despite all the help you try to provide, people will still complain about their computers and technical support
{ 7:43:52 AM} You can't please everyone Oreo! Remember that!

{Dario 7:44:22 AM} Okay.

{ 7:44:41 AM} Anyway it was nice talking to you, thanks for the help Oreo!
{ 7:45:01 AM} stay away from milk or you'll get soggy SOGGGGYYYYYYYY

{Dario 7:45:02 AM} You are welcome.
{Dario 7:45:11 AM} Thank you for visiting Dell Technical Support online chat and allowing me the opportunity to assist you. Also, feel free to visit us again at http://support.dell.com/support/topics/global.aspx/support/en/chat?c=us&cs=19&l=en&s=dhs
{Dario 7:45:16 AM} Have a nice day.

So what's the moral here? If your name is Dario, I'm probably going to call you Oreo. Oh, and "Namaste" means hello in Indian. There you go, you just learned something.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The Dell Customer Service Chats Volume 3



Scott's Tip of The Day: If you have been following my Dell Customer Service Chat series then you are well aware I encountered many problems with my Dell laptop in 2005. I also had adapter problems. And now....that's right...laptop BAG problems. Even my laptop bag broke. I promise you, I am not a mongoloid. I'm not Lenny from of Mice and Men. I never meant to kill that lady...I mean break my laptop bag...and laptop adapter....and laptop. Anyway, enough chit chat, let's get down to brass tacks...

Welcome to Dell Chat. Please wait for an available agent. You will be notified when your chat is accepted by an agent.
The session has been accepted.
{David 3:16:48 PM} Welcome to Dell Sales Chat. My name is David. I'll be your personal sales agent.How can I help you today?

{ 3:17:03 PM} Hey David!

{David 3:17:15 PM} Hi.

{ 3:17:23 PM} You must be in texas

{David 3:17:33 PM} Yup

{ 3:17:33 PM} Thank God they arent sending me all the way over to India!
{ 3:17:47 PM} Last time I needed an AC adapter and they wanted to ship me headphones
{ 3:18:00 PM} they were sending me wrong links, it was horrible then they yelled at me, basically scolded me
{ 3:18:08 PM} Anyway I have this dell bag that came with my computer
{ 3:18:13 PM} And it just totally broke

{David 3:18:22 PM} What system do you have?

{ 3:18:25 PM} I have had it for a little over a year but the hinges that hold the handle collapsed
{ 3:18:31 PM} I have a dell 600m inspiron
{ 3:18:46 PM} But i mean, should my bag collapse after only a year of light use?

{David 3:19:28 PM} It shouldn't have.

{ 3:20:00 PM} is there some sort of quality guarantee?
{ 3:20:09 PM} Can I send it back and get it fixed or a new one or somethin?
{ 3:20:16 PM} i bought it with my computer
{ 3:20:22 PM} I spent like eleventy billion dollars on it

{David 3:20:41 PM} =)
{David 3:20:45 PM} You have to talk to customer care about that.

{ 3:20:56 PM} Can i speak online?
{ 3:21:01 PM} I am actually in class right now
{ 3:21:06 PM} I am a law student
{ 3:21:19 PM} Thats why i need a bag to carry it around, to look smart, but really i just talk to people online all day
{ 3:21:22 PM} it's a pretty good scam

{David 3:21:38 PM} Ha..

{ 3:21:44 PM} phone calls are hard to make from class, once i did at my professor yelled at me
{ 3:21:52 PM} he told me i was being rude

{David 3:22:03 PM} They have a chat link too, let me get it.

{ 3:22:05 PM} Can you believe the nerve of the guy? It was a job interview, i told the professor to cram it and he kicked me out
{ 3:22:20 PM} but i got the job, they said they liked my go get em attitude

{David 3:22:40 PM} that's great.
{David 3:22:53 PM} You can contact Customer Care by going to www.dellcustomercare.com or by calling 1-800-915-3355 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting              1-800-915-3355      end_of_the_skype_highlighting ext. 72-66966.

{ 3:23:23 PM} thanks David, or can I call you dave?
{ 3:23:35 PM} Maybe we can dispense with formalities and I can call you Dave-O or davey boy
{ 3:23:40 PM} Perhaps Davey Crocket
{ 3:24:20 PM} My dad called himself davey crocket, his name wasnt even david!

{David 3:24:23 PM} Dave is fine, what's yours?

{ 3:24:29 PM} My name is Scott
{ 3:24:39 PM} So are you in the middle of nowhere texas today?

{David 3:25:18 PM} just on the edge

{ 3:25:33 PM} I heard a rumor that sometimes dell reps are slow to respond because they are playing like crazy games like snood online, is that true or just an urban legend?

{David 3:26:10 PM} It's just talk. We have a gazillion things to do while taking in chats and calls.

{ 3:26:15 PM} I bet you are good at snood, you strike me as a snood player with solid fundamental skills
{ 3:26:26 PM} i used to work at a gym, all i played was snood
{ 3:26:33 PM} They loved me cause i showed up on time

{David 3:26:45 PM} Not that well actrually

{ 3:27:05 PM} Well they say practice makes perfect, How is it working at dell?
{ 3:27:15 PM} A friend of mine wants to move down there and start workin with computers

{David 3:27:57 PM} it's great, lots of benefits and stuff. But the work load is just, well you know what I mean.

{ 3:28:22 PM} Yeah the workload is never great, the trick is to drag it out
{ 3:28:38 PM} Like this conversation right here, you just take like 2 hours to do it, then your boss says we can work on this, we need some improvement
{ 3:28:48 PM} then you say ok i will work on it, and you just drag the next one out an hour and a half
{ 3:29:03 PM} And they think you are brilliant cause you like improved efficiency by 25 percent
{ 3:29:21 PM} Then you get a promotion, before you know it you have a hot lady on your lap, you're throwin your money around

{David 3:29:34 PM} Wish it was that easy

{ 3:29:37 PM} Thats what my dad said the key to success is, though he is a confirmed alcoholic
{ 3:29:43 PM} he is slightly delusional
{ 3:30:10 PM} I mean imagine being 6 and waking up and thinking its the tooth ferry but its your dad urinating on your new life size mickey mouse doll from disney world
{ 3:30:14 PM} it was a rough childhood

{David 3:30:46 PM} That's sad

{ 3:30:49 PM} But now i am going to law school
{ 3:30:53 PM} I plan to sue his pants off
{ 3:31:20 PM} he has all of this money in all sorts of crazy accounts
{ 3:31:25 PM} he has fake names and stuff
{ 3:31:43 PM} So how do you like living on the edge of the middle of nowhere?

{David 3:32:32 PM} kinda
miss the coast

{ 3:32:38 PM} which one?
{ 3:32:45 PM} I live just outside of NYC

{David 3:33:53 PM} West, LA

{ 3:34:09 PM} Oh man a california boy!
{ 3:34:15 PM} how did you end up in texas!?

{David 3:34:17 PM} All the way
{David 3:34:45 PM} Trying to catch a girl,

{ 3:35:05 PM} OH MAN, i know
{ 3:35:22 PM} they make you do crazy things

{David 3:35:34 PM} yeah, but we broke up. i'm free again.

{ 3:35:44 PM} I went to El Salvador once with Peace Core, following a girl
{ 3:35:54 PM} She fell in love with this indigenous Mayan Tribesman
{ 3:36:13 PM} Now she lives in a hut! I am a trust fund baby and she chose a MAYAN over me!

{David 3:37:01 PM} well you know how they think

{ 3:37:12 PM} Do they think?
{ 3:37:26 PM} I think they just act, and ask me for things
{ 3:37:31 PM} Scott can you pay my car loan
{ 3:37:40 PM} Scott can you take me on vacation
{ 3:38:02 PM} Scott can you pay for my herpes medication!
{ 3:38:08 PM} Scott can you take me to dinner
{ 3:38:15 PM} I mean whine whine whine it was probably for the best

{David 3:38:24 PM} Yeah

{ 3:38:34 PM} so are you gonna head back to cali

{David 3:38:59 PM} don't know yet, still enjoying it here

{ 3:39:07 PM} it must be a lot different
{ 3:39:27 PM} Is texas backwards compared with california?
{ 3:39:40 PM} do you get a lot of attitude cause you are "californian"
{ 3:40:11 PM} Once I went to kentucky and they threatened to "gimme a whoopin" if i didn't "Go on and dun not git"
{ 3:40:17 PM} I dont even know what that means!
{ 3:41:55 PM} needless to say i left

{David 3:42:02 PM} Sometimes, though they say I'm getting the texan accent or something like that

{ 3:42:14 PM} oh no!!!
{ 3:42:19 PM} Do you say "Y'all"
{ 3:42:36 PM} that's the hump, once you cross that line fwoooshhhh forget it man, you're a goner

{David 3:42:45 PM} try to avoid it

{ 3:43:03 PM} yeah, do you do stereotypical texan things now like go to High school ball games
{ 3:43:19 PM} and then talk about it in your local hangout like the barbershop or the Sip N Go

{David 3:43:34 PM} sometimes, can't avoid it

{ 3:43:45 PM} Oh man, we gotta get you back to california
{ 3:44:14 PM} What did you do in college, did you do computer stuff

{David 3:44:21 PM} not yet, the pay is better here. hahaha.

{ 3:44:37 PM} haha

{David 3:45:03 PM} would you believe i'm an animator, old school

{ 3:45:27 PM} thats awesome, i love to doodle
{ 3:45:34 PM} OH i have a serious question for you, I talked to this girl last time I needed help with my adapter, her name was Paulette, does she work in the same office with you?

{David 3:46:08 PM} hey man, sorry to cut this off, ny sups looking into this chat and giving me the look already. Have to go

{ 3:46:29 PM} Ok well thanks for your help
{ 3:46:39 PM} Good luck with everything, don't let the man get you down

{David 3:46:55 PM} Yup.

Thank you for contacting Dell Sales Chat. Have a nice day.
{ 3:47:00 PM} you too

So just for the record, I am not a trust fund baby, I am definitely not a misogynist and I have never been to El Salvador. David seemed like a nice guy and I didn't want to get him into trouble so I decided to exit the conversation gracefully instead of getting his supervisors mad at him. Did David ever move back to California? Did he start saying "y'all?" Boy, I wish I knew. Unfortunately, I tried to look up "David" in Texas, and wouldn't ya know, there are a whole lotta Davids down there. Who'da thunk it? Well David, wherever you are. I wish you well.

My advice? Maybe don't purchase a Dell computer, laptop or adapter. Dell stuff really likes to break.

If you have any questions for me, the all-knowing Scott, feel free to hit me up at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com. I would be happy to answer any question you might have.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Dell Customer Service Chats Volume 2



Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you have read my previous blog entries, then you know that I had a lot of problems with my Dell laptop computer in law school. I had numerous online conversations with Dell tech representatives and saved them. What follows is another choice conversation. For the record, the breakup mentioned in this conversation was purely fiction. I did not date a 7-foot-tall basketball player.


Welcome to Dell Chat. Please wait for an available agent. You will be notified when your chat is accepted by an agent.
The session has been accepted.

{TARUN_VAISH 3:19:19 PM} At the end of this interaction you may be offered the opportunity to provide me with feedback. In order to do so you will need to click the "End Chat" button rather than using the "X" at the top of the screen. You may rate this interaction on a scale of 1 to 9 (1 being worst and 9 being best). I appreciate your feedback.
Thank you for contacting Dell Consumer Customer Care Chat. My name is Tarun. How may I help you today ?

{ 3:19:42 PM} my harddrive broke, you sent me a new one, you billed me for the old one
{ 3:19:49 PM} i gather you want my old harddrive back
{ 3:20:15 PM} is this assumption correct?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:20:47 PM} Yes, you have to sent the defective hard drive.
{TARUN_VAISH 3:20:53 PM} For security and verification purposes, I need your initial billing address and phone# on account, would you be kind enough to provide me the information?

{ 3:21:36 PM} CENSORED
{ 3:21:46 PM} those are the original address and telephone numbers, though they have changed
{ 3:21:55 PM} I broke up with my girlfriend, now i live somewhere else
{ 3:22:34 PM} we got into a big fight, she told me i am good for nothing, i am like the housekeeper takes care of the house you are the working woman what do you want from me but she called me lazy..... she didnt understand
{ 3:22:42 PM} in any case i live in New york now, no more connecticut for me

{TARUN_VAISH 3:22:55 PM} Thank you for the information.

{ 3:23:19 PM} yeah my girlfriend wants me to move back now
{ 3:23:29 PM} but i told her no, she makes me move, now she wants me back
{ 3:23:37 PM} are the girls like that in india too?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:24:02 PM} I really felt sorry for you.

{ 3:24:18 PM} what are the ladies like in india?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:24:42 PM} I can understand your position Scott.

{ 3:24:44 PM} in america, they make you buy them expensive gifts and if you don't they refuse to "have relations" with you

{TARUN_VAISH 3:25:31 PM} Scott, there is good and bad people everywhere.

{ 3:25:46 PM} yeah, she totally is a bad person, what was I thinking!?
{ 3:25:58 PM} Oh man Tarun, you are so wise
{ 3:26:04 PM} can you help me with my dell problem

{TARUN_VAISH 3:26:10 PM} Thank you. Scott.
{TARUN_VAISH 3:26:29 PM} Sure , please elaborate your issue.

{ 3:26:43 PM} well i basically need the deliveryman to pick up my harddrive
{ 3:26:53 PM} i dont really know hhow to do that, he came to my neighbors house yesterday
{ 3:26:58 PM} i asked him to bring it to you guys
{ 3:27:07 PM} and he told me he couldnt
{ 3:27:18 PM} and i am like come on man, that is your job, you deliver things
{ 3:27:23 PM} but he told me that isn't how it works
{ 3:27:55 PM} so how do i get this harddrive back to you?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:28:22 PM} Please do not worry Scott.
{TARUN_VAISH 3:28:34 PM} I am here to help you.

{ 3:28:40 PM} i couldnt afford to pay like 200 dollars to do this
{ 3:28:49 PM} i didnt sleep last night
{ 3:28:54 PM} thank God they have people like you to help me
{ 3:29:08 PM} otherwise the bill collector would come and break my legs, like that time i couldnt pay off a gambling debt

{TARUN_VAISH 3:29:23 PM} I am initiating a request for the return of the hard drive and you do not have to pay any return charges.

{ 3:29:52 PM} Man, you are like a genie in a bottle, i just ask you for help and you fix my problems
{ 3:30:12 PM} You should have your own business where you just "fix situations" for people

{TARUN_VAISH 3:30:23 PM} Thank you for the compliment. Scott.

{ 3:30:45 PM} anytime, you can call me Colonel Scott if you want
{ 3:30:51 PM} I was in the Army for awhile
{ 3:30:59 PM} I commanded troops over in Vietnam

{TARUN_VAISH 3:31:06 PM} Sure, Colonel Scott.
{TARUN_VAISH 3:31:36 PM} It was nice to hear Colonel that you served for your country.
{TARUN_VAISH 3:31:45 PM} Please confirm me the address from where the material needs to be picked up.

{ 3:32:01 PM} Yeah, it was tough, humping a 90 pound backpack in the rice paddies, running from charlie

{ 3:32:11 PM} have you served for the Indian military?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:33:08 PM} No, Scott, I did not get this opportunity .

{ 3:33:41 PM} it's crazy, war is hell man, war is hell
{ 3:33:51 PM} how do you like your job at dell?
{ 3:34:06 PM} The material needs to be picked up from
CENSORED

{TARUN_VAISH 3:34:32 PM} Thank you for the confirmation. Colonel Scott.

{ 3:34:46 PM} what do your friends call you for short Tarun?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:34:46 PM} Please allow me a 1-2 minutes to process the request.

{ 3:34:53 PM} Can I call you Tarmeister?
{ 3:35:08 PM} Or Mix master Tarun

{TARUN_VAISH 3:35:21 PM} They call me Tarun. Yes you can Scott.

{ 3:35:31 PM} Awesome!
{ 3:36:33 PM} So do you work with cool peoeple at dell? Do you work with any cute girls?
{ 3:36:59 PM} there were no cute girls in the military in vietnam it was horrible, we ended up just buying prostitutes in random cities we came across

{TARUN_VAISH 3:37:16 PM} Yes, all are very helpful .

{ 3:37:24 PM} but are they babes!?
{ 3:37:31 PM} do they have nice figures

{TARUN_VAISH 3:37:35 PM} The UPS will come to pick up the items from you.

{ 3:37:38 PM} do they wink at you
{ 3:37:41 PM} or blow kisses?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:38:06 PM} The pick-up will be done on next business day during business hours between : 9:00AM to 5:00PM CST.
{TARUN_VAISH 3:38:15 PM} The UPS reference # is CENSORED
{TARUN_VAISH 3:38:21 PM} Write the reference number on the box in which you return the item.
{TARUN_VAISH 3:38:25 PM} They will email you confirming the pickup and mentioning timing and date of pickup.
If you need to change the pickup time or date, please call UPS at 1-800-742-5877

{ 3:38:57 PM} if i am not there can i leave a note?
{ 3:39:44 PM} i may not be home, should i just leave a box with a note

{TARUN_VAISH 3:39:50 PM} Scott, You can call UPS and fix the appointment for the pick up.

{ 3:39:56 PM} is friday a business day?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:40:13 PM} Yes, friday is a business day.

{ 3:40:19 PM} i work everyday, it is hard to keep track
{ 3:40:30 PM} i mean i work on saturday so i say "hey, saturday should be a business day too"
{ 3:40:35 PM} but people just tell me i am crazy
{ 3:40:41 PM} Do you think I am crazy Mix master Tarun?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:40:55 PM} No Scott, Not at all.

{ 3:41:09 PM} Please call me Colonel Scott!
{ 3:41:15 PM} I worked hard to earn my rank!

{TARUN_VAISH 3:41:25 PM} Sorry, Colonel Scott!

{ 3:41:30 PM} thank you!

{TARUN_VAISH 3:41:54 PM} You are most welcome.

{ 3:42:08 PM} do you play cricket?
{ 3:42:37 PM} i hear indians like to play cricket
{ 3:42:47 PM} in america we have baseball. i dont understand cricket

{TARUN_VAISH 3:43:00 PM} Yes I do play cricket.

{ 3:43:16 PM} Wow, do you play for one of the big teams in India?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:43:43 PM} No, at domestic level only.

{ 3:43:59 PM} do you think you could make one of those big teams?
{ 3:44:12 PM} I bet you could
{ 3:44:16 PM} You should try out!
{ 3:45:09 PM} how come india never makes the soccer world cup?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:45:18 PM} Thank you for the appreciation.

{ 3:45:34 PM} do you call soccer football in india or soccer?
{ 3:46:09 PM} my exgirlfriend was a professional basketball player, she was 7 feet tall!!!!!! But she is the one that kicked me out of her house
{ 3:46:14 PM} we dont really talk anymore

{TARUN_VAISH 3:46:16 PM} Mainly Football but some call it soccer also.

{ 3:46:22 PM} that's confusing!
{ 3:46:43 PM} some people in america call soccer Polly-dongle
{ 3:46:50 PM} i dont know how it got started
{ 3:47:19 PM} i prefer soccer, i think polly-dongle sounds silly
{ 3:48:12 PM} in Vietnam we played these vietnamese in soccer once, we said, lets put our guns down and whoever wins the game gets the territory, the other people have to walk away

{TARUN_VAISH 3:48:23 PM} Yes , you are correct.

{ 3:48:25 PM} so when they put their guns down we shot em
{ 3:49:06 PM} all is fair in love and war my friend!

{TARUN_VAISH 3:49:48 PM} True Colonel Scott.

{ 3:50:21 PM} Does india have submarines?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:50:31 PM} Yes,
{TARUN_VAISH 3:50:50 PM} Is there anything else I can assist you with?

{ 3:51:01 PM} do they use dell computers on the submarines?
{ 3:51:07 PM} have you ever had to work on a submarine?
{ 3:51:13 PM} in america they dont let women work on submarines
{ 3:51:21 PM} because of the close quarters

{TARUN_VAISH 3:52:50 PM} Ok.

{ 3:52:56 PM} Is Vaish your last name?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:53:12 PM} Yes,It is my surname.

{ 3:53:35 PM} well i have a few more questions
{ 3:53:54 PM} do you have apple trees in india?
{ 3:54:20 PM} have you ever ridden on a giraffe before? we dont have giraffes in america

{TARUN_VAISH 3:54:24 PM} Yes, we do have apple trees.

{ 3:54:30 PM} have you ever eaten giraffe? what does it taste like?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:54:43 PM} No , Colonel Scott.

{ 3:55:05 PM} what time does the sun set in india?
{ 3:55:33 PM} Do you have blumpkins in india?
{ 3:56:54 PM} are you married?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:57:04 PM} Colonel Scott, I apologize we have some time constrains and I am unable to discuss these details any further.

{ 3:57:17 PM} Oh Tarmeister

{TARUN_VAISH 3:57:22 PM} Do you have any issue regarding Dell products.?

{ 3:57:22 PM} You broke my heart!
{ 3:57:26 PM} Yeah i guess
{ 3:57:32 PM} So lets say I have a dell jukebox
{ 3:57:41 PM} and I bring it to india
{ 3:57:45 PM} do i need a new charger for it

{TARUN_VAISH 3:57:54 PM} I am sorry for that.

{ 3:58:33 PM} how much does a dell jukebox cost?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:58:47 PM} Yes, you will require new charger .

{ 3:58:49 PM} if i hit it hard like the fonz on happy days does it start? or does it have an on button

{ 3:59:15 PM} how much music can i hold on one?
{ 3:59:36 PM} Can i record myself on there? I have a band, I call it Colonel Scott's lonely hearts club band
{ 4:00:08 PM} we play a lot of reggae, our big song is called "Jah Bless Mount Zion"
{ 4:00:19 PM} we may play india next year, we are getting big in the east

{TARUN_VAISH 4:00:47 PM} Dell DJ cannot record , you can just transfer music.

{ 4:00:50 PM} maybe i could play for dell employees? i think they deserve it, you guys are so helpful
{ 4:01:08 PM} Have you ever been to america?
{ 4:01:13 PM} Did you work for Dell over here first?

{TARUN_VAISH 4:01:45 PM} No, Colonel Scott. I never went to america.

{ 4:02:01 PM} you should come we have lots of dell products
{ 4:02:11 PM} do you own a dell computer?

{TARUN_VAISH 4:03:08 PM} No, Scott, but we work on it.

{ 4:03:22 PM} you own a hewlet packard computer dont you!!??
{ 4:03:27 PM} you sly dog you!
{ 4:03:54 PM} i wont tell anyone, your secret is safe with me

{TARUN_VAISH 4:04:14 PM} No, I did own hewlet packard computer either.

{ 4:04:19 PM} should i get a dell jukebox?>
{ 4:04:25 PM} or should i buy an ipod?
{ 4:05:35 PM} what should i have for dinner? chicken or a peanutbutter sandwich?

{TARUN_VAISH 4:06:43 PM} It depends on your work you can choose dell dj or I pod.

{ 4:06:56 PM} i thought it was dell jukebox
{ 4:07:00 PM} what is the difference
{ 4:07:47 PM} Have you ever been to a deli in new dehli?
{ 4:08:00 PM} have you ever been to the himilayas?

{TARUN_VAISH 4:08:56 PM} New Dell DJ Ditty is slim and trim at 1.29 oz, about the size of a pack of gum.
{TARUN_VAISH 4:09:15 PM} Excellent capacity: With song capacity up to 220 songs, New Dell DJ Ditty has 80% more song capacity than Apple iPod 512MB Shuffle.

{ 4:09:17 PM} wow!

{TARUN_VAISH 4:09:33 PM} Strong Battery life: Rechargeable battery with up to 14 hours of battery life.

{ 4:09:43 PM} 14 hours!

{TARUN_VAISH 4:09:44 PM} Integrated FM Tuner / Easy to read LCD screen: With integrated FM Radio, access to great local and national content.

{ 4:09:52 PM} My dream is to listen to music nonstop for 14 years
{ 4:09:58 PM} i think i could charge and listen at the same time
{ 4:10:03 PM} never stop listening
{ 4:10:12 PM} all reggae, the whole time
{ 4:10:16 PM} maybe i can make this happen

{TARUN_VAISH 4:10:18 PM} Flexibility - works with MULTIPLE music downloading services, Fill and refill your DJ with Musicmatch on Demand Portable or Napster to Go - access up to 1M tracks
MusicMatch 10.1 (Included), Supports Napster to Go and Windows Media Player 10

{ 4:10:21 PM} maybe I can do it with the dell dj!
{ 4:10:49 PM} What kind of toothpaste do you use? I like crest
{ 4:11:10 PM} do you have alphabits in india?
{ 4:11:21 PM} do you dream in color or black and white?
{ 4:11:40 PM} what kind of car do you drive? i hope it isnt a peugot
{ 4:11:54 PM} do you have huffy bikes? or do you have a schwinn. I bet you have a schwinn, you devil you!

{TARUN_VAISH 4:11:58 PM} Is there anything else I can assist you with?

{ 4:12:14 PM} you havent been answering my questions, i am trying to broaden my horizons
{ 4:12:21 PM} i want to learn more about the indian culture
{ 4:13:14 PM} do you have mr potato head in india?
{ 4:13:56 PM} he came with a bucket of fun i leanred that on an old commercial over here

{TARUN_VAISH 4:14:01 PM} It is nice to hear that you want to know about Indian culture.

{ 4:14:18 PM} Yeah, i hear Goa is great
{ 4:14:23 PM} i hear the beaches are beautiful there
{ 4:14:48 PM} have you ever been

{TARUN_VAISH 4:15:08 PM} Yes, there are good beaches in Goa.

{ 4:15:17 PM} Have you ever surfed there?

{TARUN_VAISH 4:15:17 PM} Is there anything else I can assist you with?
{TARUN_VAISH 4:15:29 PM} No.

{ 4:15:40 PM} Hmmmmm I guess you answered all of my questions

{TARUN_VAISH 4:16:13 PM} Thank you.
{TARUN_VAISH 4:16:25 PM} It was nice chatting with you.Good Bye and Have a Nice Day !
{ 4:16:54 PM} thank you, you too!

So what's my tip of the day? Most people in India call Soccer "football", but some still call it soccer. Bet you didn't know that. Unless you live in India.

Any questions, comments, concerns? Email me at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com. Cheers.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Dell Customer Service Chats Volume 1



Scott's Tip Of The Day: Back in 2005, I was a young law student. The world was my oyster. I could be anything. I was gonna make it big. Watch out world, here comes Scott. But you know what? It wasn't quite so simple. Various forces conspired against me. I conquered these trials and tribulations and made it out the other end OK, but it wasn't easy. What? Paranoid delusions? OK, OK. Maybe various forces weren't conspiring against me. But my Dell laptop computer was. It broke. Over and over and over again.

Do you know how long it takes to get tech support on the phone? I must have wasted days of my life waiting on hold. They didn't even play good music. If you're going to keep me on hold for over an hour then how about playing some good tunes? Pipe some good music in. Let me get my jam on. Nobody wants to listen to muzak. Ever. Not in a department store, not in an elevator and certainly not when they are on hold.

So I wait on the phone for about an hour and I get some tech support guy from India. He says his name is "Jason." Let's just say Jason's command of the English language left a little to be desired. I don't have time for this! Luckily, Dell had online technical support. If you can find another computer (that isn't broken) to chat about your computer that is broken, then you can contact Dell Chat Support online. The wait isn't as long and they don't pipe bad music in. After waiting on hold for quite some time I grew a little restless. I decided to get my computer fixed, but have some fun at the same time. As I mentioned before, my computer broke numerous times and this is a REAL transcript of my second conversation with Dell tech support from 2005. (My first conversation was not as funny, so I chose not to include it.) I hope you enjoy....

Welcome to Dell Chat. Please wait for an available agent. You will be notified when your chat is accepted by an agent.
The session has been accepted.

{Shabnam 3:10:47 PM} At the end of this interaction you may be offered the opportunity to provide me with feedback. In order to do so you will need to click the "End Chat" button rather than using the "X" at the top of the screen. You may rate this interaction on a scale of 1 to 9 (1 being worst and 9 being best). I appreciate your feedback.

{Shabnam 3:10:49 PM} Thank you for contacting Dell Consumer Care Chat. I am Shabnam. How may I assist you today?

{ 3:11:27 PM} hi Shabnam, how are you?
Here is my problem.
I have a harddrive you want back, it's faulty, very faulty....doesn't work, in america we would say it is "busted" I contacted dell........
{ 3:11:36 PM} they sent me a new one, they want the old harddrive back
{ 3:12:02 PM} i spoke to dahbalina something on tech support last time she said "Hey, i'll send you a UPS guy to pick up a box with that hard drive" I said "thanks, you're a doll sweety"
{ 3:12:32 PM} but the UPS man never came, he never picked up the box, Dell keeps sending me emails saying "gimme my harddrive back fool" i just dont know what to do, teh UPS man didn't come, what do you guys want from me!?
{ 3:13:24 PM} so basically, if you want my harddrive i need some labels to ship it, possibly a box if you can send one of those, a UPS man to pick it up

{Shabnam 3:13:39 PM} I apologize for any inconvenience or frustration this matter caused. We value you as our customer and your satisfaction is very important to Dell.

{ 3:14:16 PM} Oh thanks that's nice to hear, but it sounds like you say that to everyone, i am not really feeling valued right now
{ 3:14:44 PM} I am feeling frustrated, tired, achey, and just plain invalidated, not invalid, but definitely invalidated, maybe you can help me fix this problem i have
{ 3:14:54 PM} What do you say my man? Can you help me out?

{Shabnam 3:15:12 PM} No Scott, don't feel like that as I will do everything possible to help you today.

{ 3:15:41 PM} OH Shabnam, you are the best, you must be the best Dell technician I have talked to all day...possibly all week
{ 3:16:45 PM} so how should we fix this up? what do you suggest I do?

{Shabnam 3:17:05 PM} I will be glad to help you.
{Shabnam 3:17:08 PM} May I know your order number please?

{ 3:17:32 PM} i wasnt given an order number, at least i dont remember being given one
{ 3:17:41 PM} i have had so many problems i was given a lot of numbers
{ 3:17:58 PM} i already have a lot of numbers to remember, like my age, my height, my social security number, my house number, i forgot, you know

{Shabnam 3:18:15 PM} Don't worry Scott, I will check it.

{ 3:18:49 PM} Good, cause I was worried! Woooooohhhh boy, i thought we weren't gonna fix this problem, THANK GOD you are helping me Shabnam, you are so abled and technically capable
{ 3:20:15 PM} if i am slow to respond, i apologize, i am working out to jane fonda's 1982 betamax work out video, have you ever seen it, man what a workout

{Shabnam 3:21:06 PM} Thank you very much for your appreciation Scott.
{Shabnam 3:21:54 PM} Scott, I will go ahead and schedule a pick up with UPS to get the package picked up from your place. Can I get the pick up address?

{ 3:21:59 PM} any time, i am good at appreciating, my mom used to tell me "boy, you can barely read, and you only got 2 teeth, and you are fat as a hawg, but doggone it boy, you can appreciate like hell"

{ 3:22:04 PM} yes pick up address........
{ 3:22:16 PM} (CENSORED)
{ 3:22:59 PM} do you live nearby? do you know my neighborhood well?
{ 3:23:05 PM} can you stop by and pick up the package yourself?

{Shabnam 3:24:45 PM} Scott, I will process the request for you and UPS will pick up the package from your place. The pick up will be arranged for next business day. It can be anytime between 12pm and 5pm CST.

{ 3:25:07 PM} ok, if i am not home can i leave the package outside?

{Shabnam 3:25:10 PM} If there isn’t anyone at your address, you could leave the package outside with a note for the carrier.
UPS will make a maximum of 3 pick up attempts. You can take the product to any UPS Store as an alternative.

{ 3:25:25 PM} ok, so if this doesn't work and i go to a ups store, what do i say
{ 3:25:42 PM} they probably know who you are right
? i can say "Shabnam told me to give this to you"
{ 3:26:03 PM} i can prob just leave a note "I'm Shabnam's friend, send this over to dell" they will probably know what to do right?

{Shabnam 3:28:20 PM} Scott, you can give them an authorization number and they will do their duty.

{ 3:28:49 PM} OOOOHHHH I would love that, that is all James Bond like "DO YOUR DUTY, HERE IS THE AUTHORIZATION CODE"
{ 3:29:37 PM} so they pick it up tomorrow or i bring it to a ups man and give them the code
{ 3:29:42 PM} so what's the code?
{ 3:30:01 PM} can i make up a code like "Alpha delta bravo cookie monster" that would be hard to break i think
{ 3:31:30 PM} So do i pick the code or do you give it to me?

{Shabnam 3:31:42 PM} An authorization number is (CENSORED)

{ 3:32:03 PM} Well Shabnam, that isnt a very creative code, but I suppose it will do
{ 3:32:09 PM} IS that all I need?
{ 3:33:15 PM} do i need any other information

{Shabnam 3:34:10 PM} Yes Scott, this will do. Please stay online for 4-5 minutes while I process the request for you.

{ 3:34:46 PM} sure, so Shabnam, have you seen the new Batman movie...it was pretttyyyy exciting

{Shabnam 3:35:53 PM} No Scott, I have not.
{ 3:36:25 PM} where are you stationed?
{ 3:37:11 PM} I lived in Goa for 3 years, the beach there was nice, and they played suchhhh good trance music

{Shabnam 3:37:52 PM} Scott, I am from Chandigarh (U.T.), India.

{ 3:38:32 PM} OHHHH DO YOU know debalina
{ 3:38:51 PM} she helped me last time, she was pretty nice, but i mean as soon as business was over she was like gotta go, she didn't want to talk much
{ 3:39:07 PM} She totally stole my heart, i think about her a lot
{ 3:41:52 PM} are you still there Shabnam?
{ 3:42:09 PM} are you helping other people at the same time!!?? Are you cheating on me?

{Shabnam 3:43:15 PM} Scott, I am here and I am processing your request. I told you to stay online for 4-5 minutes.

{ 3:44:36 PM} I am sorry, I am impatient, I thought you left me for some other guy with a broken hard drive, it wouldn't be the first time

{Shabnam 3:45:22 PM} Thank you for staying online. We really appreciate your patience.

{ 3:45:34 PM} hey, it's the least i can do Shabnam
{ 3:45:48 PM} Do your friends call you Shabby? or Shabs? I am gonna call you "Shabmeister"
{ 3:45:57 PM} thats what we would call you in the usa "Shabmeister"

{Shabnam 3:46:34 PM} Scott, I have processed the request for you and the pick up will be arranged for next business day. It can be anytime between 12pm and 5pm CST. UPS will make a maximum of 3 pick up attempts. You can take the product to any UPS Store as an alternative.

{ 3:47:04 PM} that sounds great, awesome....incredible even, I am overjoyed, you have really helped me out a lot Shabmeister
{ 3:47:09 PM} You make me want to be a better person

{Shabnam 3:47:32 PM} Thank you very much.

{ 3:47:42 PM} so what are you up to after work
{ 3:47:50 PM} stoppin by the old watering hole? drinking some brews?
{ 3:47:56 PM} do you have heineken over there?

{Shabnam 3:49:41 PM} Is there anything else I can assist you with?
{Shabnam 3:49:41 PM} Scott, I am busy in doing studies and work.
{ 3:50:04 PM} Yeah you dell people are always so busy! Busy busy busy!
{ 3:50:24 PM} i suppose I will let you go then. I won't forget you Shabnam, you are my new best friend

{Shabnam 3:50:26 PM} Yes Scott, Is there anything else I can assist you with?
{Shabnam 3:50:34 PM} Thank you very much.

{ 3:50:50 PM} Anytime, you take it easy
{ 3:50:58 PM} Keep it real, keep it fresh
{ 3:51:17 PM} keep it clean, keep it mean
{ 3:51:26 PM} keep it small keep it tall
{ 3:51:41 PM} thats what we say in ny when we say goodbye
{ 3:51:48 PM} Goodbye!

{Shabnam 3:52:37 PM} Thank you very much Scott and goodbye.
{Shabnam 3:52:41 PM} How am I doing so far at resolving this issue to your satisfaction?

{ 3:53:17 PM} If Superman was from India I would think you are Superman
{ 3:53:23 PM} But i mean everyone knows he is from krypton
{ 3:53:44 PM} but you are almost like superman, the green lantern perhaps? YES! You are like the green lantern. YOu are awesome! Keep up the good work

{Shabnam 3:53:58 PM} Oh, thank you very much.

{ 3:54:26 PM} no problem, take it easy my friend, but not too easy....relatively easy

{Shabnam 3:54:31 PM} Thank you very much for your praise Scott.

{ 3:54:34 PM} So in conclusion, take it "relatively" easy
{ 3:54:43 PM} No problem, i don't think you guys get enough praise
{ 3:54:52 PM} You guys work so hard, and you get no appreciation
{ 3:55:01 PM} You deserve beers, and free tickets to cricket games
{ 3:55:12 PM} and possibly Lamborghinis....possibly

{Shabnam 3:55:30 PM} Thank you very much.
{Shabnam 3:55:44 PM} Thank you for visiting Dell Consumer Customer Care online chat and allowing me the opportunity to assist you. I have included your case # 110416672 to reference our interaction today. Please keep this on file; it will assist you when contacting Dell Inc in the future. Also, feel free to visit us again at www.support.dell.com .
{Shabnam 3:55:47 PM} Have a nice day.

{ 3:55:50 PM} fairwell Shameister, may your online adventures be numerous and prosperous

{Shabnam 3:56:24 PM} Thank you very much Scott, take care and may god bless you.


So what's my tip of the day? If you have to deal with tech support people, you might as well have a little fun.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Don't Be Creepy



Scott's Tip Of The Day: As you guys know, you are always welcome to email me at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com with any questions or concerns you might have. Everything from "Why does God Hate me?" (Because you're ugly) to "How do I get my head out from between these rails?" (Jaws of life). But you know what I don't want? Emails like this:

My beloved Dearest One,

I am more than happy coming across an interesting profile/email as yours, Let me start here by saying compliment of the day to you and I hope you are doing fine as I am over here? It will be of a great honor if you could respond to my message and I guess that will give me a good chance of introducing my very simple self to you and you as well introduce your self to me. It will be of a joy if we could simply take our time to learn about each other by starting to be good friends, share pictures, share ideas and dreams, talking about our personal life, secrets, sharing our happiness and sadness and more. To be open and honest to you it’s really interest me to be your friend through this communication as we see what it will be in the near future. If you really do not mind I will like to ask you for a favor and I guess you will be asking what favor by now right? Please kindly take your time to write me back through my personal email address AT: doctoreTomY2K@yahoo.com for easy and better communication. I have a lot to share with you, so I can go ahead to write on and on but I have to stop here at the moment waiting to hear from you as a sign that you are willing to be my friend too. For now have a blessed day with many kisses and hugs bye for now.


Yours Sincerely Friend To Be.

DR. TOM FRANKY CLEM


I am pretty sure this is spam, but not 100% positive so I think it makes sense to address this and clear the air. I really don't know what to make of this Dr. Tom Clem. You are awfully friendly for a stranger. It kind of sounds like you just popped six pills of ecstasy and decided to go surfing on the internet. Since I don't know you, I am not related to you and I am fairly certain I am heterosexual, I am going to politely decline the kisses and hugs you offered me. I wish I could say I appreciate the gesture, but honestly you kind of gave me the heebie jeebies.

So readers, I would love to hear from you. but please. PLEASE. Don't be creepy.

******UPDATE*****************************

I decided to write back to Dr. Tom

Dr. Tom,

If you want to be my friend you must answer the following questions:

1)What are you a doctor of?

2)Have you ever eaten frickles? Those are fried pickles. If not you must eat one before you email me back and tell me what you think. If you have already have eaten them, I don't care. Make some Goddamn frickles and eat them and tell me what you think of them anyway. I want a picture of you making the frickles and another picture of you putting them in your mouth.

3)A train leaves San Diego, CA at 9:34AM traveling 19 miles an hour. Another train leaves on the same day from new York City at 5:39 AM. Please keep in mind CA is on Western Time which is 3 hours behind NY. Now, if both trains are heading toward each other, how long will it take before they crash head on? Please look at the railroad map, as they can't take the most direct route, which would be a straight line. They must travel on already existing train tracks.

Dr. Tom. Answer me these questions correctly and we can be friends. Please don't forget to show you work on question number 3.

-Scott

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 9



Scott's Tip Of The Day: Sometimes I confuse celebrities. I blogged about it awhile ago because I seemed to have a big problem differentiating Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes. I received a letter late last night from someone with a similar problem....

Scott,
tell me these men don't resemble each other... i dare you. and if i spun you around and maybe gave you a few drinks i challenge you to determine which is christopher walken and which is jon voight. or maybe i'm just celebrity dyslexic

- celebrylexic.


Hi Celebrylexic. Celebrylexic. That kind of sounds like one of those expensive shakes you buy on TV at 3am in the morning when all of the normal programming's off the air. "Celebrylexic! What a great meal replacement! Has all of the vitamins and calories to sustain you all day!"

Celebrylexic was kind enough to provide me with some picture comparisons. Let's look below....









Well, you definitely did your research. When I read your original email I didn't really think you had a case. But now I do. I don't think they look so much alike, but they obviously gesticulate in a similar manner to each other. They both have scary teeth, they both like guns and they both shield their face with their hands. I could see how you would get them confused. So where does my tip of the day come in? Well, based on these pictures both men look a little violent, cunning and unpredictable. I would say if you run into either on the street, think twice before approaching them....and if you do approach one, make sure you have his name correct. Furthermore, if you run into John Voight and you have some floss, politely offer him some as he could really use it.