Scott's Tip Of The Day

Greyhound

2011-12-08T10:36:00.002-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: By now you have probably heard about Alec Baldwin's latest freak out. That guy sure loves his Words With Friends.

While I don't agree with his behavior I agree with his sentiments that the flying experience is becoming more and more like traveling on a Greyhound Bus. Greyhound found this repugnant and responded to Alec Baldwin's comments.

I felt Greyhound's comments to be a little disingenuous when they said “I don’t know if he’s ever been on one of our buses (it doesn’t sound like it), but there are about 17.6 million people who travel with us every year who I’m sure wouldn’t share [his] feelings.”

So what did I do? The only thing I could do. I wrote to Greyhound.

Dear Greyhound,

I recently read about the Alec Baldwin Words With Friends debacle. One of his comments compared American Airlines to the "Greyhound Bus Experience."

One of your publicists responded:

“I don’t know if he’s ever been on one of our buses (it doesn’t sound like it), but there are about 17.6 million people who travel with us every year who I’m sure wouldn’t share [his] feelings.”
First, I would like to say I am an upstanding citizen. I have never been arrested. I am a successful attorney, I am highly educated and I adhere to social norms. I have travelled on Greyhound on many occasions and I think I can accurately articulate how America feels about Greyhound....

The 17.6 million people who travel on Greyhound do not enjoy this experience. Your publicist has either been misinformed or he is lying. As Dave Attell once said "You've been to a bus station, it's kinda scary. People walkin' around dirty, wearin' rags, babblin', shakin', droolin'. That's why no one ever blows up a bus station. They get down there, they look around, they're like 'Damn! Someone's already done this bitch, let's get outta here!"

I know you work in a corporate office and you probably don't often venture into Greyhound bus stations, but I can confirm that this is an accurate description. There are homeless men. It smells like pee. You can't use the bathroom unless the man behind the counter buzzes you in. When you get on the bus things don't get any better. If you are in the northeast you might get lucky and find yourself on a bus with mostly college students. If you aren't lucky you end up on a bus with a lot of low class winos taking their welfare check to cash in at Foxwoods Casino. No, I am not exaggerating. I have seen these people. They don't shower, they wear very old clothes and they smell of alcohol in addition to body odor. They stare at me and say things I don't understand. (I don't understand what they are saying because they are not only drunk but they are missing a lot of their teeth too.)

People travel on Greyhound for a variety of reasons. The main reason is it is cheap. Your customers need to go somewhere but they can't afford to buy a plane or train ticket. The second reason people travel on Greyhound is because all train routes on the available route have already sold out. There is a romanticism about driving cross country. Not on a bus. Not unless motion sickness is a romantic notion.

Nobody likes Greyhound but it's a necessary evil. But let's call a spade a spade. Don't insult my intelligence and tell me your travel experience is great. When people are afraid to fall asleep on your buses, that means it's not fun.

I hope you appreciate my input and consider some of the things I have said. But, I am realistic. I doubt you will. But please do me a favor. The next time you take a ride on a Greyhound, sit next to the smelly wino. Take a nap. Then email me back a full report of what happened. I just hope your butt doesn't hurt too bad.

Sincerely,

Scott

I will let you all know if they decide to respond. Stay tuned.

And The Winner of Scott's Tip Of The Day Schmuck Of The Year Award Goes To......

2011-11-04T07:53:00.007-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: It's time for the first annual Scott's Tip Of The Day Schmuck Of The Year Award (STODSOTYA). STODSOTYA! It sounds Russian, right? Well kind of appropriate because our STODSOTYA winner sealed her award up when she traveled to Chechnya. Who Could it be?

Why none other than Hilary Swank!

Yeah, she only spells her name with one L. She didn't graduate highschool. Spelling wasn't her best subject. Apparently, social studies wasn't either. Hilary Swank recently accepted $1.5 Million to appear at Chechnyan President, Ramzan Kadyrov's, birthday.
Oh sounds like fun, right? No! Not at all! Have you read about this dude? His military units allegedly routiely engage in torture,rape and genocide. He is allegedly responsible for the murders of many reporters. He is also allegedly a big fan of honor killing. What's honor killing? When your wife leaves the house with short sleeves and you kill her because she has embarrassed you and brought shame to your family. "HOW DARE YOU WEAR SHORT SLEEVES, WIFE!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!"

So Hilary, way to go. You accepted $1.5 million to appear at Ramzan's birthday and kiss his ass. Clearly your handlers and you did no research on the man. You fired your manager and your PR team dumped you. You are just as bad as Beyonce, Usher and Mariah Carey. What did they do? They partied with Gadhafi's son at his 2010-2011 New Years Party.

Some people will do anything for money. Hilary Swank, you're an imbecile. You set a bad example for kids and you kind of look like an ape too.

Check it out:

She's totally an ape.

Well, congratulations Hil. You are the winner of STODSOTYA 2011!

Steve Jobs

2011-10-06T08:11:00.004-04:00

There aren't too many people who have changed the world like Steve Jobs. Personal computers, Ipods, Ipads, Itunes, apps, graphical user interfaces, mice. You can thank Steve Jobs for all of that. Well, you can thank Xerox for the mouse, but Steve Jobs stole it. That was pretty bad-ass so he still gets a kudos.

Although I've poked fun at him in the past, the truth is I had an enormous amount of respect for him and I'm really sad to see him go. How often does a person touch millions of peoples' lives like he did? Not often. He went before his time and my heart goes out to his wife and kids.

Steve Jobs once said "live everyday like it's your last." I'm sure someone else said that before him, but Jobs definitely subscribed to that philosophy. I'm glad he did because no one deserves to die at 56. I hope wherever you are, Steve, it's cooler than what I saw in All Dogs Go To Heaven. Because no one deserves that. I hope you've gone to a place where all of the computers are Apple and Microsoft doesn't exist. A place where your Apple extended warranty lasts forever. I hope every store carries a black turtleneck, New Balance sneakers and a pair of blue jeans.

Steve Jobs, you will be missed, but certainly not forgotten. See you on the other side.
Namaste.

Scott's Tip Of The Day Declares War on The American Family Association

2011-09-21T07:52:00.010-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: There are three things I hate more than anything: Cauliflower, people who drive slow in the passing lane and the American Family Association.

Cauliflower makes me gag. People who drive slow in the passing lane add time to my commute. The American Family Association? That requires a little elaboration....

Lets take the most recent example. Ben & Jerry's recently released a new flavor called "Schweddy Balls." Funny, right? Even if you don't think it's funny, who cares? Transexuals are dancing with the stars on TV. Gay people are allowed to ask and tell. A black dude is president. We're living in a modern world. The American Family Association, however, is demanding Schweddy Balls be removed from the market.

Really American Family Association? Really? You people don't have anything better to do? You already complain about radio programs, television programs, porno....now you are complaining about ice cream?

Guess what? If you don't like television shows with foul language or nudity then don't watch them. If you don't like Schweddy Balls, then eat some vegetables instead. If you spent as much time watching your kid as you did complaining about ice cream, then maybe he wouldn't be exposed to these "awful" things.

And what makes these things so awful anyway? As Mark Twain once said "Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them." The word "Fuck" wasn't so bad until people stigmatized it. And nudity? There's nothing wrong with the human body. It's a beautiful thing. Well generally. I mean a lady with hammer toes isn't beautiful. Neither is a man with a crooked penis. But generally, yeah, it's a beautiful thing. All you are doing is programming your children to feel shame over natural things.

If you want to raise your kid like that then be my guest. You're a parent. Do some parenting. Watch your kids. Forbid them from watching "naughty" programs. Supervise them. Over-supervise them. Teach your kids that dinosaurs and people lived at the same time. Fuck your kid up. Make him self-conscious. Make him feel like shit for thinking normal thoughts and feeling normal things. But don't create a world where my kid feels shameful for behaving like that. We live in a free country. Don't tread on me. Don't censor me. Don't create decency standards for my children. I can take care of raising them myself. And don't you dare try to take those Schweddy Balls away from me.. I love putting those schweddy fucking balls in my mouth.

I hope everyone in the American Family Association gets arthritis from writing those stupid letters to Ben & Jerry's. I have never declared war on anyone or any organization but I am declaring war on the American Family Association. If you have any free time I fully encourage you to call them and tell them they are idiots. Write them hate mail. Send them scathing letters. Feel free to record your conversations or copy me (scottstipoftheday@gmail.com) on those emails and I will publish your responses if I like them. If anyone in the American Family Association thinks they are justified in their actions and would like to discuss them I'd be happy to have a dialogue with you. I'll let you present your case. But you're going to have to answer my questions afterwards. Are you sure your beliefs will hold up to scrutiny?

Coco Puffs

2011-09-06T09:52:00.005-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Consumption of Coco Puffs can lead to unusual behavior.

WFAN/Joe & Evan In The Morning

2011-08-26T11:58:00.004-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day:

I switched to sattelite radio this week. I just couldn't handle another day commuting and listening to terrestrial radio. What really pushed me over the edge is NYC's one and only 660AM WFAN. What was my problem, exactly? You can read it below, in my letter to the station:

Dear Eric,

How are you? I saw you were the person who sorts through the complaints and comments at WFAN so I thought I would shoot you an email.

I bet you get a lot of crazy emails. People from LI and Jersey complaining "Yo, Mike Francesa hung up on me! Maron! What gives!? I want that dude fired, yo!" I know the type. I went to law school in Long Island. I empathize with you. Most of them are inarticulate. They wear too much man jewelry and use inordinate amounts of hair gel. They prob make you want to throw your computer against the wall. I can assure you I am not one of these people. I am educated, cultured and generally I try to conform with traditional social norms. I am a serious man with a serious gripe.

I listened to WFAN for 3+ years on my commute to work. Yeah, that's past tense. I don't listen anymore. I reached my breaking point the other day and I purchased satellite radio. I will never listen to WFAN again.

It's not the commercials that bother me. Well the 1-877 Cars for Kids commercial bothers me. It kind of makes me want to commit Seppuku. But let's forget about that for a moment. Generally, your commercials don't bother me. It's not your station format either. I take no issue with most of your programming. Although Mike Francesa is irritable, dismissive and a compulsive gambler (this is a plausible assumption based on how much time he spends at the track), he knows his sports. Although Boomer & Carton provide a substandard listening experience, I realize I am not the intended audience (white male, Age 18-70, alcoholic, possibly insomniac, less than average IQ, misogynist, inability to relate to others, slightly out of touch with reality, lives at home with parents). It's Joe & Evan that really push me over the edge. Let me explain why:

Joe cannot go three seconds without saying "Bro." I looked in the Merck manual to see if this was some kind of disability. Tourette syndrome? Autism? Michael Sorrentino disease? It turns out he just has a very poor vocabulary. By my estimation it sits around a paltry 200-300 words. Evan's vocabulary is a little more advanced, but he still struggles with multi-syllable words (its Vuvuzela not Vuzuvela). Did you know he didn't even go to college? Perhaps he needs to brush up on his English. Does WFAN provide a tutor for its show hosts? Perhaps that would be a good investment.

Furthermore, the producer of the show has a great deal of difficulty filtering out the semi-intelligent callers from grumpy old men, idiots proposing totally unrealistic trades and yesman fanboy famewhores who agree with anything any on-air personality says if it means getting their voice on the radio. People don't want to hear what it will take for the Mets to land Justin Verlander. It's never going to happen. Never ever ever ever. Never.

Additionally, Joe & Evan spend an inordinate amount of time discussing the Nets and Islanders, when only about 8 people in the tri-state area care about these teams. Joe & Evan like the Mets too. I understand this character flaw, since a lot of New Yorkers like the Mets, but how about some unbiased discussion about the Yankees once in awhile? Some discussion without backhanded jabs or veiled jealousy?

In conclusion, I just feel dumber after listening to your station. Especially after listening to Joe & Evan. What's Evan? Twenty six years old? How can he even be expected to speak intelligently about any sports event pre-1990? He can't. That's why he shouldn't be on NYC radio.

Please reconsider your late morning/early afternoon programming choice. I realize this is a big decision. Here are some suggestions for programs that would be more intellectually stimulating than Joe & Evan in the morning:

-Three hours of nothing but the sound of balloons popping
-An embittered Vietnam war veteran discussing the incurable diseases he caught in a whorehouse five clicks south of Da Nang
-A lost child crying for his mother
-idle chitchat between two men with heavy accents, waiting for a bus to Brighton Beach at the Port Authority
-An African Grey Parrot reciting the alphabet

Don't worry. I am not asking for any compensation for these ideas. Just trying to help. I hope you take them into consideration. Have a great weekend.

-Scott

So what's my tip of the day? Buy yourself a satellite radio! Terrestrial radio blows. Especially 660AM WFAN.

Abercrombie

2011-08-17T10:35:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Well it turns out that Abercrombie & Fitch are paying Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino to not wear their clothes. You can read about it here. Abercrombie does not want Mike ruining their image. I thought this might be a good opportunity for me to capitalize on this information. Today I wrote a letter to Abercrombie:

Dear A&F,

I recently read in the Chicago Tribune (http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/breaking/chi-abercrombie-to-pay-jersey-shore-cast-to-stop-wearing-its-clothes-20110817,0,3357772.story) about how your company is paying Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino to NOT wear Abercrombie & Fitch clothing. You're worried his association with your clothing line may damage your image. While I find this hard to believe, especially since your quarterly catalog is racier than an issue of Playboy, I think I understand where you're coming from.

I am a celebrity too. I am the writer of Scott's Tip Of The Day, which has won numerous awards including Blogger's "Blog of Note" award. You can check it out at http://scottstipoftheday.blogspot.com. I command a great deal of influence over your target demographic. Little kids trust me. Teenagers think I'm bomb. Baby boomers think I'm witty. (The elderly are generally unaware of what's happening, on the internet or otherwise, so let's forget about them for now.) I also wear Abercrombie & Fitch all the time.

I would argue that I am an even more reprehensible character than Mike Sorrentino. I borrow money from my friends and never pay them back. I commit to plans and flake at the last minute. I take more toilet paper than necessary when using public restrooms. I never tip. I give tourists wrong directions. I drive slow in the passing lane. I cut you in line even though I have no idea what you are standing in line for. I go into McDonalds without purchasing any items. I just take all of their ketchup and mustard. Then I throw it all away in the dumpster behind the restaurant.

I don't cover my mouth when I yawn, I certainly don't cover it when I cough and covering my nose when I sneeze is a concept completely foreign to me. I eat massive quantities of beans and then go to funerals, just to break wind. I contract contagious diseases and walk through public places. I steal my cable from my neighbor and purchase Pay Per View shows regularly. I call into public access television shows only to insult the host.

Sometimes I lay for days in the Chuck E Cheese's ball pit...waiting...waiting to scare the living daylights out of the most emotionally fragile child I can find. I work out at the gym, but I never wipe the equipment down afterwards. I drive through Amish country handing Nintendo Gameboys to all of the children. I break into Hassidic Jews' houses at night and shave their beards. I fly down to the rain forrest once a year, just to chop it down. I take any opportunity I can to destroy the ozone layer. I fall on priceless works of art in museums and "accidentally" damage them. Kim Jong-Il, Hugo Chavez, Muammar Gaddafi and Fidel Castro are my only Facebook friends.

As you can see, I am quite possibly the worst person on earth. I assure you, you do not want me wearing your clothes, coming near your stores, or even leaving my house. I am a much worse person than Mike Sorrentino. As such, I feel I should be compensated, or I will continue to wear Abercrombie & Fitch clothing. Please let me know when you are ready to send me my first payment. Thank you.

-Scott

I will let you know if they respond. Until then, my only advice is don't be like me. Farting at funerals is no way to be.

Chalupas? Tacos? Babies?

2011-07-18T21:09:00.004-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: A Vancouver, Washington lady has been arrested for trying to sell her baby at Taco Bell. What was she thinking? Why would anybody buy a baby for $500 when they can get a taco for a dollar and change? If you're going to sell your kid, at least throw some incentives in there. A 30 day return policy. College tuition. Free diapers. Otherwise people are just going to make their own babies. Stay tuned for a follow up post with step by step instructions on how to make your own baby.

Lightning

2011-06-29T10:40:00.005-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Everything I've read has lead me to believe that getting struck by lightning gives you super powers. Well, I guess I was wrong. Apparently it can impair your performance in international sporting events.

80's Dating

2011-06-20T15:46:00.002-04:00

Sometimes even the coolest dudes need help finding their soul mate. See video (above).

How much is an IPad Worth to you?

2011-06-03T08:22:00.004-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: How much is an IPad worth to you? Is it worth a kidney? It was for a teenager in China. This frittata only got $3,000 bucks for his kidney. Didn't he know he could get over $100,000 dollars for it!!??

Moron!

If you're going to sell your body parts, make sure you research the going rates on the black market. This kid could have had an Ipad, a house AND a nurse to care for his unikidney body. Instead, all he has is a giant scar and an addiction to Angry Birds.

Secure Jobs

2011-05-27T08:15:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: In today's economy, a lot of people are constantly worried about losing their job. One little mistake and your head's on the chopping block. Well, not if you're a postal worker. You can poop in people's yards and still keep your job! My application is in the mail!

Anything Can Happen in NYC

2011-05-20T08:47:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Anything can happen in NYC. So watch out.

Kids, Hardcore Porn and the NYC Public Library

2011-05-09T08:24:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: This tip goes out to all the children. Do you like movies about gladiators? Ever seen a grown man naked? Ever been to a Turkish prison? If the answer to any of these questions is no then you need to take a field trip to the New York Public Library. According to the NY Post, it's the hottest place to fulfill all of your hardcore pornographic needs. Your Mom will love it when you tell her you like to go to the library and "do research" or "get educated." You'll earn some brownie points. You'll also learn what a blumpkin is. Thank you, New York City!

Fact Check

2011-05-03T10:19:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Two tips today.

1)Always fact check

2)If you are foolish enough to follow Penn Jilette on twitter, you deserve whatever evils befall you.

Huffing Paint

2011-04-28T14:50:00.001-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Don't huff paint in a huff.

Orlando Unemployment Agency

2011-04-20T11:53:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: A Florida Unemployment agency in Orlando spent public money to give capes to 6,000 jobless Florida residents as part of its Cape-A-Bility Challenge public relations campaign.

Workforce Central Florida Director Gary J. Earl defends the program. I highly encourage all Florida residents to write to their local representative to complain about this. It's totally ridiculous. No. Not the capes. The fact that matching tights were not provided as well. How are these people supposed to feel good about themselves when they don't even have a full superhero get up. They're down in the dumps and they don't have a job...or tights.

Poorly planned, Florida. Poorly planned

Time Travel TV Shows and Films Banned In China

2011-04-13T10:20:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Television programs and films that involve time travel are now banned in China. The rationale behind this move is it "disrespects history." Despite the fact these films and television programs have been banned, time travel itself has not been banned, so feel free to continue doing so in your phone booth or Delorean.

Prostitute Serial Killer

2011-04-13T09:34:00.006-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: It's getting pretty scary for prostitutes in Long Island. A serial killer has been murdering them and leaving their remains on the beach. It's causing quite a panic and according to an article by NBC New York, New York's Sex Worker Outreach program has started giving advice to sex workers. Advice like "trust your gut." Wow. Brilliant. Thanks for that. That's not even close to helpful. These prostitutes trusted their guts and now they're PROSTITUTES. Obviously, that didn't work the first time.

Here's some advice from Scott to Long Island Prostitutes. Enroll at Nassau Community College, learn some skills and get a job that doesn't involve sex with strangers for money. Then you won't get murdered by a deranged serial killer.

Connecticut

2011-04-05T07:26:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of My Day: Congratulations to the 2011 UCONN Men's Basketball Team for winning the National Championship. As someone born and raised in Connecticut, it's not too often I have any state pride. I mean, come on. It's Connecticut. Yeah, we do have Casinos, Yale University, the Coast Guard Academy, a few nice beaches and the beautiful Fairfield County. But we also have the birthplace of Lyme Disease, Bridgeport and a glaring lack of professional sports teams. (We miss you Whalers.)

Even if you don't care about college basketball you have to give UCONN some credit. They were an up and down team all season until they reached the Big East Tournament, where they won five games in a row to win the Big East Championship. They were the first team without a bye, to win five games in a row and do that. And then they won six games in a row to win the national title. Do you know how hard that is? Do you know how much endurance you need to play a whole season and then play all of these games in a row too and win them all? UCONN's star point guard, Kemba Walker, played almost 40 minutes every one of these games. To give you some perspective, I rolled my foot on the sidewalk two weeks ago and it still hurts. I haven't been to the gym since. Incidentally, I have completely fallen off the NBA draft board and most European teams have preemptively called me to express their disinterest. I'm going to have to play in an obscure country abroad if I want to play professional basketball. My only offer is from an Uzbekistani team for three dollars a week. I'm debating whether to take it. I don't think I am going to do it, unless they throw in a baby goat as a signing bonus.

Anyway, give Connecticut some respect. At least for today. I mean at least it's not Rhode Island, right?

Lifestyle Skyn Condoms

2011-03-29T14:15:00.004-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Watch out for Lifestyles Skyn Condoms. Have you seen the box? It says "Individually tested for maximum protection."

Hey, Lifestyles. Please stop having your employees at the factory individually test out my condoms before I use them. That's pretty gross. Thank you.

Double Check Your Work

2011-03-25T08:51:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Always double check your work. Otherwise you could end up with a serious typo.

Public Bathroom Etiquette

2011-03-22T09:17:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: No one enjoys using a public bathroom. But it's basically impossible to go through life without using one now and then. Depending on the situation, the public bathroom experience can be anywhere from relatively painless to traumatizing. Here are some bathroom etiquette tips to keep you from traumatizing an innocent bystander:

1)No grunting.
You're not Magnus Samuelsson competing in the World's Strongest Man competition. There's no reason you should be groaning or grunting while you do your business. It makes everyone else in the bathroom extremely uncomfortable and leaves memories even years of intense therapy can't erase.

2)No talking on your mobile phone.
If you want to text, play games or read articles on the internet then more power to you. But you make it weird and uncomfortable when I'm taking care of business in the bathroom and I hear a long phone conversation coming from the stall next to me. I find the best way to resolve this situation is to flush my toilet repeatedly until the person on the phone gets extremely embarrassed.

3)Don't talk to strangers
I work in the same office building as you. Sometimes we see each other in the hallways. Great. It's still inappropriate to start a conversation with me when I'm at the urinal. I don't want to talk to you. I didn't come to the bathroom to chat it up. I just want to do my business and get out of there. Do I know you? OK, that's fine. But if I don't then anything beyond "hello" should wait until after you exit the bathroom.

4)Lock your stall door.
Don't get mad at me when I open your stall and you're sitting there pooping. These doors have locks on them for a reason. I don't want to have to look under every single stall door in the bathroom to determine if it's free or not. If you leave your stall door open then you're giving me permission to pretty much do whatever I want. If I want to just leave the door open for everyone to see, that's my right. That's what you get for being an idiot. No. Don't give me dirty looks. Hold your head in shame

5)Stick to your own bathroom.
This goes for you women. I know it sucks that the line to the ladies' restroom is long. That doesn't mean it has to be long for the men too. That doesn't mean one lady can take up a bathroom with 5 stalls while her friend stands at the door guarding it telling me "Oh sorry, my friend is in there, she will finish up." Sorry, Lady. I don't know you. I don't care if you or your friend gets embarrassed. I just drank 6 beers, I have to pee, and the game is coming back from commercial in two minutes. I don't have time for this. You took a risk, Lady and it came back to bite you in the ass. You can only blame yourself.

6)Lift the toilet seat when you pee.
This goes for you, gentlemen. If you have vertigo, depth perception problems, bad balance, or you just never learned to pee standing up then you should sit down when you pee. And just because you have good aim doesn't mean it's a good idea to pee with the toilet seat down. Have you ever heard of karma? One day you'll have an emergency and you'll open up a stall door and there'll be pee all over the place. You're not a caveman. Exercise some self control, for God sakes.

Remember people. What goes around comes around. Karma is a bitch. So pay it forward and act like a human being and not a wild animal when you use the bathroom and you'll improve the quality of life for people all over the world.

Sometimes You Just Can't Win

2011-03-21T08:46:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Sometimes you just can't win. You'll be playing a sweet George Michael sax riff (see video above) and mall security still doesn't appreciate it. Don't sweat it. Some people are just fools. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep playing unsolicited saxophone solos at public places. Stay true to yourself....and you'll always be happy. You might go to jail but you'll always be happy. Unless your cellmate hasn't had the company of a woman in awhile. Then you might not be so happy. But otherwise, yeah, pretty happy.

Bud Select

2011-03-10T21:39:00.008-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Pop quiz, Hotshot. What looks like urine but tastes just as bad? Did you guess urine? You did? Why would you guess urine? I just said it looks like urine, I didn't say it was urine. Geez, you need to pay better attention.

Let's try this again. What looks like urine but tastes just as bad? Did you guess motor oil? Jesus. What's wrong with you. Why on earth are you able to compare the taste of motor oil AND urine? Did you drink both? Please, oh please seek professional help.

Anyway, Weirdo......The correct answer was "Bud Select." I know this could get me shot in the south, but I'm going to say it anyway. Mass produced American beer sucks. It's watery and it all tastes the same. Studies have even been conducted that prove the average person who prefers one of the major three beers (Coors, Bud, Miller) can't even identify which beer is his favorite in a blind taste test.

So what the hell do you think is going to happen when you reduce the calories in one of these watered down beers? It's going to be more watered down. What are you left with? Bud Select. 55 calories. Wow. Great. So I'm not buzzed, the drink tastes lousy and I still consumed 55 calories. Why don't I drink something with a few more calories and enjoy myself. Or I could just not drink at all and not consume ANY calories.

Are you watching your weight? Then go exercise, you lazy bastard. You aren't going to get skinny drinking beer. So if you're going to drink, drink GOOD beer. Tasty beer. Alcoholic beer. But dear lord, please don't drink Bud Select. That is unless Bud Select decides to sponsor my blog, in which case you should drink a lot of it. But until that day, don't drink any Bud Select. Got it? Good!

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Guide to Online Schools

Ponytails

2011-03-08T09:06:00.006-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Ponytails are never cool. Yeah, that means you, Tom Brady.

Try being less like this guy:

And more like this guy:

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http://www.onlinecollegedegrees.net

Teen Wolf

2011-02-28T11:08:00.003-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Different cultures embrace different values and have different tastes. But there is one constant in every country. Teen Wolf is cool and teen wolves will always be popular in high school.

Charlie Sheen

2011-02-15T19:56:00.002-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Today, my life changed when I heard the best advice of my life. And who gave it? Charlie Sheen. What did he say? "Stay off the crack, and I still think that's pretty good advice, unless you can manage it socially. If you can manage it socially, then go for it, but not a lot of people can, you know?" Amen, Charlie. Amen.

Miley Cyrus

2011-02-15T07:45:00.004-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: What's worse than being voted the worst teen celebrity role model? Give up? Causing your parents to get divorced!
Who'd do such a thing? Why it's Miley Cyrus, y'all! Poor Miley. She doesn't know what she's doing. You're a child celebrity. You're supposed to act cute while your parents capitalize on your fame and exploit you for your money. Don't you know the rules? Michael Jackson, Gary Coleman and Lindsay Lohan all did it. You should follow their example. Instead you're smoking drugs from a bong and ruining your parents' marriage. Shame on you, Miley. Do you think you can just do whatever you want? Well you can't. And that's why I'm calling up Silvio Berlusconi and canceling that sexy date I set up for you. You don't deserve it!

Park Porn

2011-02-11T08:19:00.003-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Restoring a public park can benefit the surrounding community in a variety of ways. Not only does it look aesthetically pleasing, but it can increase property values as well. Sometimes there are even unintended benefits. For instance, maybe your park is so beautiful that porn directors feel compelled to film adult movies there. That happened on Miami Beach Island recently where RealityKings decided to film their latest picture. You can read about it here.

Personally, I find this abhorrent. No, not because of the sex in public. Mostly because the plot line sounds especially weak. Random sex in a park? Eh. Every good porn plot revolves around a pool boy, pizza man, plumber or other service guy. They come to the house with the intention of just conducting some routine repairs and then boom, suddenly you've got some sexy time going on. Ohhhh yeahhhh. How can you work any of these characters into sex in a park? It would be totally contrived. Mark my words, this film will not any adult film awards. Sorry, RealityKings. I'm getting more porn fix elsewhere.

Human V2.0

2011-02-10T08:12:00.002-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Do you ever wish you had eyes in the back of your head? How about a camera? An NYU professor installed a camera in the back of his head for a "performance project." It was causing too much pain though and had to be removed. You can read about it here.

I guess merely wearing a camera backwards on top of his head wouldn't have accomplished the same objective (which was to presumably look like a freak). This professor HAD to surgically implant a foreign electronic object in the back of his head, in the name of art. 99% of the world doesn't buy your justification, Professor. You can't just do whatever you want and claim it's art. I learned this the hard way. I pooped on my desk at work and attempted to justify it by saying 1)it was an art installation and 2)I did it during my lunch break so I didn't waste company time. Although I'm still convinced my colleagues admired my work, I was reprimanded. I've been going to intense therapy three times a week ever since.

The worst part of all this is these college students are paying over $40,000 a year for the privilege of studying at NYU. They take four or five classes a semester and one of them is this class. If they carry five classes a semester and this class is only a semester long, that's $40,000 divided by 2, then divided by 5. That equals $4,000. $4,000 to learn from a man who thinks installing a camera in his head is a good idea. A homeless man could teach you more constructive things for a lot less money. Things like panhandling, graceful ways to die in abandoned warehouse fires, pickpocketing and where to find really good cardboard boxes to sleep on.

So if you're feeling bored, forget about installing unnecessary electronic equipment in your body. Get homeless lessons from a hobo instead.

Breast Feeding In Public

2011-02-09T14:14:00.004-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: According to a recent article in the Washington Post, "Dozens of breast-feeding women plan to descend on the Hirshhorn Museum on Saturday for a 'nurse-in' to highlight their federally protected right to nourish their babies in public."

Hey ladies. No one wants to see you breastfeed your kids in public. You've got it rough. I get that. You've been sitting at home watching your housekeeper change diapers. Exhausting. You've spent all day complaining about how the expensive gym membership is even though you never go. Watching all of that daytime TV is grueling too. Lets not forget how you are calling your husband every ten minutes because you are bored out of your mind. BTW, you should probably cut down on that, you're going to get him fired.)

So, yeah. It's hard. You (barely) take care of your child and you don't have as much time to sit around the country club and flirt with fitness instructors and pool boys. You feel lonely and you need attention. So you think it's a good idea to go to a museum and breast feed your kid with 190 other militant feminists. That's a great solution. You're going to be really popular after that. Do you think your baby is going to be proud of you when he grows up and finds out you did this? Do you think your husband is going to have any incentive to stop sleeping with his executive assistant when he hears how nuts you've gone? No! So calm down. Your hormones are driving you crazy. Get out the Ben & Jerry's. Put your fat pants on. Have a seat on the couch. Plug your VCR in, go find your Beaches VHS, watch some Bette Midler and have a good cry. But don't breast feed in public. You're just embarrassing yourself.

And The Next Dalai Lama Will Be....

2011-02-09T08:22:00.000-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: As you are probably well aware, Tibet is a taboo subject in China. In fact, Groupon's Superbowl Ad, which poked fun at Tibetan cuisine, appears to have hurt its chances of bringing its service to the Chinese market. You can read about it here.

If a silly Superbowl ad causes controversy, you can imagine how much controversy the Dalai Lama causes when he advocates for Tibetan independence. If you're unfamiliar with the Dalai Lama, he's the spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhists. When he dies, he's reincarnated and Tibetan monks are sent out to find him in his new reincarnated body. The problem is that he's been exiled from Tibet for over 50 years and he doesn't want to be reincarnated in Communist China. He says he may choose to not reincarnate himself at all. Chinese officials are claiming that they'll ignore these wishes and choose his successor anyway. You can read about some of the controversy here.

Communist China and the Dalai Lama are never going to agree. And you know what? You guys have had a long time to come up with a solution. You guys can't play nice. So I'm going to do the only logical thing and preemptively decide who the next Dalai Lama will be. Since no one has decided the Dalai Lama's successor, I am going to do so right now and that will be that. Any further discussion on the matter will be moot and void.

So who is it going to be?

Pilot Inspektor. Yes. That's really someone's name. In fact it's Jason Lee's kid. You know. Jason Lee? The dude from My Name is Earl and Almost Famous. Yeah. He's a Scientologist. And he named his kid Pilot Inspektor. Unfortunately, this is not grounds for child abuse in California and the only way I could think of to get this kid out of the Lee residence is to name him the next Dalai Lama. So Pilot Inspektor. Please report to Dharamsala, India. Everyone is waiting for you.

My Informations Is Informative

2011-02-07T07:56:00.004-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Although I've mentioned in the past that I like flattery, I only really enjoy it when it's genuine. Call me crazy, but I get the feeling the Mumbai Female Escort Service that keeps leaving comments on my posts does not have any interest in the content of my blog. Don't bother searching for these comments. I've already deleted them.

So what kind of comments was I getting? Here are just a few that I deleted:

"I read this post. This post is very informative. The main aspect of this post is valuable information. After reading this post any one will get some very important points which are only helpful even precious also."

"This post is very unique in itself. Informations being provided by this post are really unique and valuable to the public.. The main aspect of this post is valuable information. I liked visiting this post. I must say that I am completely satisfied."

"The post has very informative matter. It's having very nice information. It is showing great creativity. I have spent a long time to find such a post. All aspects of this post are perfect. It's nice experience to read it. All matter of this post is great. I got many information and some important tips with the help of this post. I would like to visit again"

Wow. Didn't somebody once say the best kind of praise is the kind in broken English? No? No one said that? Sorry. My mistake. Regardless, I think you can see a common theme here. My informations is informative and even precious too. Furthermore, you can get many information from my blog. While this may be the case, I think that goes without saying.

I know I'm giving up a ton of Indian street cred by rejecting these comments. I probably blew my only chance to be a slumdog millionaire. But If I'm going to support businesses that exploit women and their bodies, you can be damn sure I'm going to at least support domestic ones. What with the economy and all. Hasn't India taken enough American jobs? Now they are trying to take our hookers' jobs too. Sorry. Did I say hookers? I meant escorts. There is a big difference you know (approximately 200 American dollars). I'm American dammit! And proud of it! Don't tread on me. Take your Indian call girls and scram. You're not welcome on my blog anymore!

Comments, questions, concerns? scottstipoftheday@gmail.com. Hit me up and I'll hit you back.

Medical Clowns

2011-02-01T14:49:00.003-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you've been married awhile and you think it's time to start a family. Or maybe you want to start a family but you aren't married. You're a progressive couple who doesn't believe in institutions like marriage, religion, the banking system or anything that could possibly be construed as sensible. Perhaps you're a unhinged, social deviant in her early 40s who wants to inseminate herself with seed from a sperm bank because no guy you date can accept the fact you own eight cats that roam freely throughout your 600 square foot apartment. Whatever the case, you've reached that point where you want to bring a bundle of joy into your life. You want to spend over a million dollars raising a child that will constantly disappoint you and never live up to your expectations. Well then, you are in luck. I'll help you out.

Ugh! No! That's gross. That's not what I meant. I'm not going to help you conceive a baby. Look at yourself. You're hideous. I'm way out of your league. What I can do is point you to this study, however(click here). According to the NY Post,
"A study of 229 Israeli women undergoing in-vitro fertilization (IVF) to treat infertility received 15-minute visit from a trained "medical clown" immediately after the embryos were implanted. The success rate ballooned to 36%, compared with 20% for women who weren't given the silly treatment."
You know what this means? Hanging out with a "medical clown" boosts your chances of a successful in-vitro fertilization procedure by 16%! What they failed to disclose in this study is it also increases your chances of panic attack, date rape, extreme depression, uncontrollable sweating and a general feeling of unease by 50%.

Those are the facts. I can't make that kind of stuff up. If you want a baby, get a clown involved. A medical clown. And all of your dreams will come true. The world is yours.

Farting & Fortune Telling

2011-02-01T07:55:00.008-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Do you like to speculate about the future? Do you like to fart? Well stay away from Malawi because a bill is about to be presented in Parliament banning fortune telling and farting. You can read about it here.

I was always under the impression that Africa had bigger problems. Malaria. AIDS Starvation. Violence. Those tribeswomen with the rings around their neck. And perhaps the most tragic of all: poor kids in the street listening to Thriller because they think that's the new coolest thing to come out of America. That was 30 years ago! Can't you at least try to get with the times? Can't you take at least a tiny step forward in time and start listening to A-Ha or Duran Duran? If you're unwilling to cooperate I'm going to take away your giant ball of electrical tape. The one you've been using as a soccer ball. Never mind. I'm not that cruel. But I will take away your 2008 Patriots Superbowl champion shirt.

I think given these circumstances it would be in everyone's best interests to just cross Malawi off your travel list. Why travel somewhere you can't fart? While you're at it add Egypt, North Korea, Iran, Afghanistan, Iraq, the Jersey Shore and Staten Island. I would leave these places off your travel list until it is safe to travel to them or their tourism boards buy advertising space on my blog.

Any questions, comments or concerns? The (juris) doctor is in. I'll help you out. I'll set you straight. I'll fix you up. Dating advice? No problem. Moral quandary? Talk to me. Weird growth on your chin? Uhhh better see a real doctor for that one. scottstipoftheday@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you. (Unless you are my long lost uncle from Nigeria who suddenly died and left me $1,000,000.)

First Award of 2011

2011-01-28T08:46:00.005-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: It's true. I received another blog award. This time it's from Kara Hoag at Visions Unto Myself. Thanks Kara. I appreciate your support. You're a stand-up gal. If this was 1951, I'd even call you swell. I might even call you the bee's knees. But it's 2011. That jargon's out. Times have changed. Kids these days are all about the hip-hop, the dubstep and the date rape. So I'll just call you "solid" (in a completely unironic way) and we'll call it a day. Just, er, one thing, Kara. Despite my gratitude, I do have a bone to pick with you...

On your list of blogs to check out I am listed 4th. 4th? C'mon. Commmmeee ahhhnnnnn. That's not even a bronze medal. If I finished 4th in an Olympic race I wouldn't even make the podium. They wouldn't even raise my flag. I'd be standing on the sidelines with my head in my hands as they played the Qatar national anthem. Qatar, Kara, Qatar!!!! How did someone in Qatar come in first in anything? Because of you, Kara. Because of you.

I would have to break into the Olympic Laboratory and contaminate the Bronze medalist's blood in order to disqualify him and get the medal months later. Have I really sunk so low? How could you do this to me!

Even still I wouldn't get to stand on the podium. All I ever wanted to do was stand on that podium, Kara. The closest I ever got was standing on the bima in synagogue. And that's not the same. It's not the same at all. But that's the closest most Jews ever get to an Olympic podium. (The big exception is Mark Spitz, who not only won seven gold medals in the 1972 summer olympics, but also had a really sweet mustache.)

Now I realize you had nothing to do with my athletic shortcomings, Kara. That was God. Apparently the chosen people just weren't meant to run very fast. If the Jews could run fast then maybe they wouldn't have spent 40 years wandering around in the desert. But I digress. You kept me from the bronze medal in the 2008 Beijing Olympics. In fact, I didn't even qualify at all. You could have at least assisted me in qualifying instead of squandering my Olympic talent. I'm 28 now. My small window to compete in the Olympics has basically closed. And now I came in 4th on your list of favorite blogs. Well, I appreciate getting on your list of fav blogs at all. I can forgive that. But the Olympics? Why!? Why!?

So where am I going with this? Don't set your sights too high. Bronze is good enough. Go bronze or go home.

2012: End of the World

2011-01-20T10:23:00.001-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Oh, it pains me so. But I owe it to you guys to be upfront. The world's going to end... and sooner than you think. When? 2012. Now I know what you're thinking... "Scott, that's a whole lot of Mayan bullshit." But you know what? This time it's serious. This is coming straight from George Lucas. You can read about it here.

George Lucas. Once upon a time you were an intelligent man. American Graffiti. The original Star Wars trilogy. Raiders of the Lost Ark, Temple of Doom and The Last Crusade. Wow. You should have called it a career after that. You had to make new Star Wars movies, didn't you? You had to create a character called Jar Jar Binks? You had to ruin the Indiana Jones franchise by adding aliens into the mix? Look what you've done! You've ruined everything good from my childhood. And now you're trying to convince me that the world ends in 2012? You know what? Good. Now I don't have to watch another one of your disappointing movies.

I hate you George Lucas! I am boycotting any of your future work. And to all of you readers out there....you should too!

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Want to advertise? Want to antagonize? email me at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com and I'll address all of your queries.

Boyfriends

2011-01-17T09:21:00.004-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: It should go without saying that you're not really being a good boyfriend when you punch your girlfriend in the vagina. Well, if you watch the youtube video above you will see that it apparently didn't go without saying. So guys... don't punch your girlfriend in the vagina.... or anywhere else for that matter. OK?

Donating Blood

2011-01-11T10:26:00.003-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: According to the Red Cross, every 2 seconds someone needs a blood transfusion. Who is this "someone?" Isn't it strange the Red Cross is dedicating the majority of its resources to one anonymous person who needs 30 blood transfusions a minute? Isn't this a waste of resources? How is this person going through his blood so quickly?

I think if I'm giving the blood I should call the shots. It should be up to me where my blood goes. (No vampires please.) I want to see a profile and picture (no uglies) of everyone who needs my blood. I'll decide who it goes to. It's MY blood. No convicted felons, anti-Semites, Scientologists, goths, fans of Desperate Housewives, socialists, members of the Michigan Militia, Somalian pirates, the entire Arquette family (except Patricia, she's ok....I guess), Bob Jones University students, or people who weigh over 400 pounds.

If you fit this criteria and you have A+ blood, hit me up at scottstipoftheday@blogspot.com. I'll send you a ziplock bag full of my blood in return for gold, silver or other precious metals. If you're lucky I will some include bonus alcohol, already in the blood (assembly not required). Aren't I a good guy?

2011 Questions & Answers Installment 1

2011-01-06T10:36:00.002-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Today I received the following email in my inbox:

Hi from England (Although I'm not certain how much of the British population are with me on this one) ,ive just discovered your blog site, nice work by the way its nice to see someone blogging stories that are going to lighten peoples days up a little bit. Any way i have just one question to ask and that's how to start a blog site up and keep it fresh and interesting like yours? Any tips or advice would be appreciated.

Cheers

Liam.

Liam,

Thanks for the kind words. Starting a blog is easy. You can go to wordpress.com or blogger.com and they have all of the tools to get you set up pretty much immediately. Doing something creative with the blog and keeping it fresh....that's the hard part.

What do you like to do? What are you into? Curling? GI Joes? Blumpkins? What are you knowledgeable about? Sports? Redheads? NAMBLA? Are there any topics you like to discuss at great length? You have to pick a topic or a theme. It can be as simple or complicated as you want. You can talk about your day in your posts or you can analyze the working forces in the global economy. Whatever you decide to write about, pick a consistent theme and stick to it. It's easier to build a fan base when they know what to expect from you. If you're all over the place, you won't get people returning to read your blog on a regular basis.

Keeping it fresh....I don't know what to tell you there. It will definitely depend on what direction you decide to take your blog. Where do thoughts come from? Where do ideas come from? The voices inside your head? I don't know. I write about random thoughts I have during the day. Sometimes these occur to me out of nowhere. Other times when I'm reading the news. You have to find your inspiration somewhere. Maybe try drugs? Lots of drugs? Sweet, wonderful, beautiful drugs?

Probably the best advice I can give is just do what you find interesting. Do something that's going to keep you engaged for a long time. Then you'll have the best chance at success. Good luck with your blog! I wish you the best.

If you guys have any other questions feel free to hit me up at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you.

Happy New Year / Drunks

2011-01-05T08:41:00.003-05:00

Cops use taser in drunk driving arrest: MyFoxBOSTON.com

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I'm back. Did you miss me? I had a fun vacation and now it's back to work. Back to the grind. Back in the saddle again. Oh well. Only another 300 something days until next Christmas, right?

Did you drink a lot on New Years? Do you drink a lot all the time? Has it become a problem? Police in Essex UK are considering establishing a "Wet Zone" for problematic drunks so they don't bother the rest of the population. You can read about it here. This seems like an ill-advised plan. You know what's a better way to take care of problematic drunks? Fines. Rehab. Jail. Stun gunning them. Public floggings. Broadcasting these people's indiscretions on COPS. Rewarding drunks for their bad behavior won't fix any problems

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 17

2010-12-20T21:16:00.005-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I received the following email in my mailbox this morning....

Dear Wise Scott,
You're a professional, wise young man. Also, I find you hilarious. That being said, I am seeking your advice. I'm (planning) on quitting my job December 31st after almost three and a half years of loyal service of putting up with morons and insecure bullying. I used to be close to my boss, but after all this time, I feel like I've gathered all I could, and it is time for me to move on, before I either have a nervous break down, eat my feelings or strangle my well-meaning fiance. But I'm terrified to do so. Help! What do you suggest?

Remaining Stressed and Annon in Arizona

Remaining Stressed and Annon in Arizona (RSAAIA),

Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it. In return, on the eve of the birth of your thirteenth born son, I will present you with a goose egg made of solid gold. You have to have these thirteen kids naturally though. No adopting and no surrogate mothers. They must all have the same father too. And none of this reproductive hormone octomom business. Furthermore, you can't birth more than two babies at a time. If by your 50th birthday you have not birthed thirteen children, you will then owe me 19 packets of watermelon flavored Big League Chew. This is non-negotiable. I will construe any lack of response as tacit agreement to these terms.

Anyway, in regards to your job... you said you "Used to be close to your boss." Did you have a falling out? What kind of terms are you on now?

I hear you on the bullying and morons. I have had those experiences in the past, as well. Everyone who has been in the business world awhile all say the same thing though. You'll encounter assholes wherever you work. So, you may still have to deal with assholes at your next job, but at least they will be new assholes.

It was a little unclear what you are terrified to do....get a new job and quit your current job? Or strangle your well meaning fiance? I would be terrified to strangle my well-meaning fiance too. Did you know you can go to jail for that? Crazy, right? For a long time too. Maybe even forever. And if you kill your significant other you won't have any conjugal visits unless you are into necrophilia. You seem pretty nice, and I don't think you are into that, but you never know. Everyone's got some skeletons in their closet.

You shouldn't be afraid to quit your job. But don't quit for just any job. And don't quit arbitrarily on Dec 31st if you have no other job prospects on the horizon.

You feel like you have nothing left to learn so find a job where you have a lot of opportunities to learn and grow. The first thing I would do is fix up my resume. If you use a recruiter to find jobs, they can give you some helpful pointers on this. Otherwise I would recommend calling your old college career center. They help alumni with stuff like this. Then look for a job using the internet, craigslist, recruiters, contacts etc. When you interview and find something you like, you can tell your current company "Sayonara." I wouldn't burn any bridges though. You never know when you'll run into these people again.

I don't think you have anything to worry about. Change can be uncomfortable sometimes, but it sounds like your current situation is probably more uncomfortable than getting a new job you actually enjoy and learn at. So you know what you gotta do.

Good luck on your job hunt!

If any of you readers have any questions or seek any advice from the all knowing Scott please email me at Scottstipoftheday (At) Gmail (dot) com. Happy Holidays!

Advertising on Scott's Tip Of The Day

2010-12-17T08:18:00.003-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Did you know you can advertise on Scott's Tip Of The Day? Yes. It's true. If you are interested don't hesitate to contact me at scottstipoftheday (at) gmail (dot) com

You can also email me feedback, questions, complaints, rants, links, bizarre news stories, pictures of ugly relatives, offensive videos and nonsensical gibber jabber.

Michael Vick

2010-12-16T15:27:00.003-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: People come to a lot of realizations in prison. One of them is that sometimes dogs make good pets and electrocuting them, hanging them and drowning them isn't the humane thing to do. So way to go, Michael Vick. Congrats. Gold Star. Don't ask me to sell you a dog though, because that's never going to happen. I'm not letting you near any of my pets. Not even stuffed animals. Or books. Or VHS cassettes I don't watch anymore. What? OK. You can borrow the space heater I've got in my office that always smells like burning when I turn it on. That's it though. OK? Good.

Camels

2010-12-14T11:09:00.002-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Camels belong in the desert. Not in Church.

Printer Cartridges/Fan Mail

2010-12-08T10:22:00.004-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: A fan of my blog, also coincidentally named Scott, was kind enough to share the following email with me....

Hi, I'm a regular reader of your blog so I thought I'd share this funny find with you for your blog or something. I was ordering some ink cartridges online and I came accross this page: http://www.inkcartridges.uk.com/Remanufactured-HP-300-CC640EE-Black.html

It's just a funny read even if it's not suitable to blog about, just seems like he's having a mini breakdown while writing the description or something XD.

Thanks for all your hard work on your blog, I enjoy reading :D

I must admit, I was not expecting that link to be that funny, but it really does look like the man reviewing printer cartridges is having a breakdown. So the tip of the day? Printer cartridge internet reviewer is a dangerous career choice and you should think twice before pursuing this endeavor.

Low Expectations

2010-12-06T16:31:00.003-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: When it's a pleasant surprise that your country can host a sports event without something or someone blowing up, that's called setting the bar low. Real low.

One Freakin' Funny Blog Award!

2010-12-02T08:04:00.002-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Thanks for the award, Barb. For anyone who hasn't checked out Barb's blog, I would recommend it and you can do so here.

God Hates The Bills

2010-12-01T08:04:00.001-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: God hates the Bills.

Child Exploitation

2010-11-19T16:30:00.004-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Exploiting your children for your own personal gain is wrong...funny....but still wrong.

Old People Don't Belong In Tree Houses

2010-11-19T16:14:00.002-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Old people don't belong in tree houses. Especially tree houses without any walls. Even if you're famous. Even if you're career would have been meaningless if you weren't a Bob Dylan cling-on. (Not to be confused with a Bob Dylan Klingon. See Star Trek The Next Generation Episode 97*) No exceptions.

*No. There was no Bob Dylan Klingon in Star Trek The Next Generation Episode 97. I just made that up, you huge nerd.

Scott Loves Flattery

2010-11-10T11:48:00.003-05:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Giving me a shout out on your blog will ALWAYS earn you brownie points. I am a sucker for shameless flattery. Thanks Rhyme Me A Smile.

Also, on an unrelated note, I apologize for not updating as frequently as I usually do. Real life has been getting in the way. Work. Finding a new roommate for December 1st. Preparing for a business trip abroad. When things calm down I will go back to posting more regularly.

Thanks!

Jesus was HIV Positive

2010-11-05T07:50:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Jesus was HIV positive. Yeah, yeah. Click on the link. I didn't come up with that. It was South African Pastor Xola Skosana. (Try saying that ten times fast.) Does he base this on the evidence that was recently unearthed suggesting Jesus participated in ecstasy fueled desert full moon parties with prostitute, Mary Magdalene? Was it his blood transfusion in the early 1980's? His debilitating heroin addiction? Maybe it's because he frequented bath houses in San Francisco and did more than just take a steam?

Well, if you guessed any of those you are wrong....and sick in the head. The answer was "No, none of the above."

Skosana said it to give Africa hope. Well, I've got news for you, Skosana. Jesus died in his early 30's and he was the alleged son of God. If Jesus can't get to 40-years-old with HIV, that doesn't bode well for the rest of the HIV-infected population. Good job, Skosana. Way to give everyone hope.

Sexual Favors

2010-11-04T16:07:00.004-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: What should you do when your significant other isn't giving you all the "pleasure" you (think you) deserve? Pull a knife on them!

Ex-Wives

2010-10-28T07:40:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: It's got to be hard going through a divorce. I can't even pretend to know what that's like. I'm sure there are all sorts of emotions going through one's head. And if you have kids together with your significant other? That has to be tough too. You can't just make a clean break. It's better for the kids if you have a decent relationship with your ex.

Charlie Sheen understands this. That's why he went out to dinner with his ex, Denise Richards the other day. What he failed to realize, however, is that bringing a prostitute to dinner with your ex, is frowned upon in most, if not all, social contexts. Furthermore, excusing yourself during dinner to have sex with a prostitute in a restaurant bathroom is also looked down upon. Oh well. You live, you learn, right? Better luck next time, Charlie!

Support Your Significant Other And Their Hobbies

2010-10-18T15:59:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: You have to support your significant other and their hobbies. For instance if your boyfriend plays air guitar, taking it away and hiding it is pretty cruel. Especially since it's invisible and will be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to find. Maybe next time encourage their air guitar playing so they can be more like C. Diddy, the ultimate air guitarist. He has Hello Kitty on his chest! HELLO KITTY!!! So where am I going with this? Laura, give me my air guitar back!

Whiskey - Which one to drink?

2010-10-14T11:56:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Whiskey. There are a lot of different brands of whiskey. And I'm not even including scotch or bourbon in this conversation. So which whiskey should you choose? Which whiskey has the best flavor? The most bang for your buck? Well I can tell you which one you shouldn't drink. This one. Whiskey made from a diabetic's urine. Gross. Seriously, people. Don't. Just don't.

Gun Rights

2010-10-03T17:52:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: The second amendment established the right to bear arms. Why? To keep the British out of our houses! Has it worked? Hell yeah! I haven't had any problems with Limeys breaking into my house in as long as I can remember. Even though the United States has been at peace with England for quite some time, the right to bear arms still exists. Do I have a problem with this? Eh. No, not really. Do I have a problem with the new state laws springing up which allow people to bring loaded guns into bars? Yes!

Have you ever been to college? I think everyone knows a guy who got so drunk he couldn't see straight and either....

a)hooked up with the ugliest girl/guy you have ever seen
b)passed out in his own hurl
c)started a fight with a stranger for no reason
d)all of the above.

Yeah, sure. Some people grow out of it. But others don't. And yeah a lot of the people who bring loaded guns to bars never even went to college. But maybe that makes it even worse? Do we really want to put loaded guns into these people's hands? Fights will get out of control pretty quickly. One moment you will be arguing with a stranger over who was the boss on Who's The Boss? (Mona or Angela?), and the next minute you'll be lying on the ground of a bar with a bullet hole in your leg. If you live in a state that allows loaded guns in bars then either bring a Kevlar vest or refrain from arguing over Who's The Boss. It's not worth it!

Car Pooping

2010-09-30T10:14:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you are going to poop in your girlfriend's car then make sure it actually is your girlfriend's car.

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 15

2010-09-29T09:10:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I received the following email today.....

Hi,
Specific question 1: Do you bother addressing negative comments, or just delete them and move on?
2. Have any of the bloggers you've asked flat out refused to add a link or are most people generally cool about that?
3. You've been pretty open about using your name, no one's stalked you or anything weird?

thanks again,

~Jessica

Thanks for the email, Jessica.

1. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. My opinion is always the right one though. So I don't really go crazy when someone doesn't like what I'm putting out there. You can't please everyone. My sense of humor isn't for everyone. Sometimes I find the negative reactions funny. Like when I posted about pregnancy tests. If you're foolish enough to take that seriously, you aren't worth arguing with. If a negative comment is constructive criticism, I'll take it seriously. If it's a difference of opinion, I don't worry about it.

2. Bloggers have definitely flat out refused to link to me. I haven't really looked to exchange links in awhile, but when I first started blogging I was doing it a lot. Some bloggers were really rude, pompous, arrogant and dismissive. Others were friendly and encouraging. You're throwing a lot of crap at the wall and some of it's gonna stick. But most of it will just kind of fall off the wall and land on your carpet creating an awful mess that leaves you wondering why you thought it was a good idea to throw doody at the wall in the first place.

3. I only started really being open about my identity recently. So far no stalkers. Keep your fingers crossed for me! I have gotten a lot of nice fan mail from you guys though and I appreciate it a lot. If you have any other questions feel free to hit me up at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com.

Discover Cards PART 2

2010-09-27T08:48:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: About two hours after sending my email to David Nelms, CEO of Discover Card, he emailed me back.

This is what he wrote:

25% of US households have Discover Cards, our acceptance is better than American Express (we are getting closer to Visa and MasterCard), and we pay out over $750 million/year in Cash Back Bonus awards to our Customers who use us more than 1 billion times each year. We do market prospects to let them know about our no-fee awards program (which is the largest in the industry) and industry-leading customer service. Perhaps you might be more interested in our high-yielding FDIC-insured CDs and Moneymarket accounts which you can view at Discover.com? I will request that you get added to our "do not mail" list, and apologize that our marketing was not appealing to you.

Sincerely,

David Nelms

Oh Snap! Did I just get served? After taking the weekend to think of an approrpriate response, I sent the following reply to Mr. David Nelms 10 minutes ago.

Mr. David Nelms,

I live in New York City and was out and about at multiple birthday parties and informal get-togethers this past week. i am a 27-year-old attorney who is friends with other young professionals. Bankers, accountants, lawyers, advertisers. I asked probably 100 people if they had a Discover card (or any interest in obtaining one) and not one said yes. Some were puzzled as to why they should even be interested in the card. I also asked my father, who is in his early 60's. His response was "They should call that card 'Undiscovered' because no one uses it." He sure is a jokester.

Is your card more popular in other geographic locations or among other socio-economic classes? Given my informal polling I find 25% to be a really high number. None of the bars or restaurants I went to in NYC accepted Discover either.

Even though your statistics appear grossly inflated and I am not inclined to accept them as 100% accurate, I appreciate your quick response and I know you are a busy guy, so it's cool you took the time out to answer my email. Thank you also for addressing my problem with all of the promotional material appearing in my mailbox. Now there is room in my mailbox for magazines and the mailman doesn't have to drop them on the floor.

If you ever find yourself in NYC on business and you want to pick an average guy's brain, hit me up. I'll tell you what the man on the street things. I can bring my girlfriend and she can tell you what the woman on the street thinks. We can go grab dinner. Or drinks. Bring cash though because they probably aren't going to accept your Discover Card. :-)

-Scott

If I get a response, you guys will be the first to know. Questions? Comments? Concerns? Hit me up at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com.

UPDATE**********************************************

He responded within 5 minutes!

Scott: Yes, NYC is probably our worst market (and it's Amex's best market)--in part because there are so many small retailers vs large chains (Discover leads the industry with the largest national retailers). This is changing quickly because of our newer open business model in which all of the same providers of Visa and MasterCard are now including Discover (enabled a few years ago after DOJ vs Visa/MasterCard antitrust case). I think you should notice a big improvement in acceptance (and card usage) in your area over the next few years. Thanks for your interest.

David

He doesn't seem that interested in going out for drinks though. Lame.

The Interview

2010-09-24T13:32:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: New to blogging? Check out my interview over at The Unusual Suspects. You'll get some insight into how I got my blog up and running and how I approach blogging in general.

I'm Published

2010-09-24T08:38:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: When Blogs of Note featured me on their blog it did amazing things for Scott's Tip Of The Day. It got me incredible exposure and opened the doors to a lot of amazing opportunities. I am proud to say I just contributed my first article to Heeb Magazine and you guys can check it out here. Hopefully this is just the beginning and I'll have more articles to share with you soon.

Thanks for making my blog a success. I couldn't have done it without you!

Discover Cards

2010-09-23T07:39:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Lately I have been getting a lot of junk mail from Discover Cards. Do I want a Discover card? NO! Have I ever expressed interest in obtaining one? NO! But week in, week out I keep receiving the same promotional letters. Discover is killing tree after tree. And you know what? All I do is throw them out. How many trees are they killing?

I decided to express my displeasure. I googled David Nelms corporate email address. He's the CEO of Discover. It is davidnelms@discover.com. I don't expect a response, but I decided to give him a piece of my mind. If he responds, I will be sure to let you know.

Dear Mr. David Nelms,

How are you today? I hope you are well.
I wish I could say the same but I am a little distressed. I keep getting letters from Discover asking me to apply for a credit card. These letters not only arrive at my permanent address, but they arrive at my parents' house too. Addressed to me. Duplicate letters. I haven't lived there in years. Never have I ever opened one of these letters. Not once. Not even as a joke. Straight to the shredder they go. Yes. I shred them. I shred these letters because God knows what kind of personal information you include in there and I don't want my identity stolen.

I am familiar with Discover card. I have seen the commercials. I have also been to enough restaurants, convenience stores and retail outlets to know that no one accepts Discover cards. Mastercard. Visa. American Express. Proprietary establishments accept these cards. Discover? Not so much. Who has a Discover card? No. Seriously. That wasn't a rhetorical question. I am seriously asking because I don't know one person who uses it.

Discover is like the Boost Mobile of the credit card industry. It's ghetto. You run a bootleg operation. You are the Kennedy Fried Chicken of fast food chicken joints. If you were a 1990's pump sneaker you would be the L.A. Gear, not Reebok. You are the RC Cola of the soft drink industry. The only way I would ever request a Discover card is if my credit was completely maxed out on all of my other credit cards and I was pre-approved. I would then max-out your pre-approved Discover card (if I could find a store that accepted it), declare Bankruptcy and go through great lengths to make sure you never collected the money I spent on the useless products I purchased with it.

Your company is killing so many trees by sending these letters out. How many trees have you killed today, David? I am not even talking about other people. I am just talking about tress you killed to send me junk mail! Please stop sending me these letters! You are ruining the environment for no reason! Plus you are spending money to send these out that could go toward health care or other benefits for your employees. Wouldn't that be money better spent?

Look. I know this letter is a little harsh. But I couldn't sugarcoat how I feel. It wouldn't be honest. It wouldn't be right. I imagine you are insulated in a board room bubble and you don't quite understand your company's perception to the general public. I am not some fringe loony. I'm not an ultra liberal hippy or a religious right conservative. I am a successful attorney and businessman. I have normal interests, hopes and dreams. I am John Q. America. If you want to improve the public perception of your company it's going to take a lot of work. First and foremost, business establishments have to start accepting your credit card. No one needs another piece of useless plastic in their wallet. Second, maybe your company should establish creative promotions that would encourage people to obtain one of your credit cards. Sending me tons of junk mail is not creative. It makes me angry. Low APR rates are not creative. EVERYONE HAS LOW INTRODUCTORY APR rates. You are turning people off from your company on multiple fronts. It's almost like you asked your employees to create a multi-pronged attack to annoy potential customers.

If you want to have a serious, frank conversation I would love to talk to you. I think I could give you a lot of insight. Clearly all of the money you are spending on market research is a complete waste. Your company could do a lot better. Don't you think you can do better?

Email me back if you are interested. I would be happy to talk at your convenience.

-Scott

Cinnamon Toast Crunch

2010-09-23T07:19:00.000-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Remember when there used to be three chefs on the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box? Well one day two of them dissapeared. I decided to get to the bottom of this.

Consumer Dear General Mills, I have been eating your cereals for years. I have a quick question. When I was a kid, Cinnamon Toast Crunch had three chefs on the box. One of them was Wendall who is still on the box today. Somewhere along the line the other two Chefs disappeared. What happened to them? Did they retire? Are they OK? What were their names? Thanks for your help -Scott

And their response...

Dear Mr. Solomon:

Thank you for contacting us concerning Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. We appreciate the opportunity to address this matter.

These little guys were cute bakers complete with chef hats and aprons. Wendell was the only baker that was named, and due to consumer feedback, we chose have just one baker and to feature him as the "Cinnamon Toast Baker" where he has remained in this title role since 1991. We like to think that the other two bakers retired.

Thank you for your interest!

Sincerely,

Pat Frances
Consumer Services

Consumer feedback? Who would complain about cartoon bakers with chef hats? This was 1991. People were more concerned with the Gulf War. Not cartoon bakers. This just isn't adding up. They like to consider the bakers "retired." So what did you learn today, kids? When someone says cartoons are retired what they really mean is they were taken out to the pasture and shot. SHAME ON YOU GENERAL MILLS. SHAME ON YOU!

Unexplainable Strangeness

2010-09-22T10:22:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Sometimes things make no sense. You just have to accept them. Like the youtube video above. It is what it is. A mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in another mystery. The only person who seems to grasp the essence of this is youtube user "ScrewLimbBizkit." He poignantly said (in the Top Rated Comments section): "This song is like what you hear when you get aids trying to find the cure for aids and then you find the cure and cure your own aids." Well, how can I argue with that?

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 14

2010-09-22T07:26:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I received the following email in my inbox this morning....

Hello Scott.

I was checking out the blog a "friend" of mine has started and came accross blogs she has been following. I was really enjoying the customer service on Jack Daniels and clearly South Africa has better customer service than wherever it is you live... Where is that by the way?

Thought the letter from Cheese Face was funny too... Cheese Face. hahahaha :)

Then I moved onto something which shocked me to my core! APPLE JUICE over ORANGE JUICE. At first glance I thought it would be about O.J Simpson, only to see it was from a sneaky little South African named SUICIDE KITTEN! You can imagine my dispare when I read through the blog and realised sweet little Kitten was plotting my downfall!

So here is my question, how do I get back at a little Kitten who is plotting to turn me into a PINK fluffy bunny!?! I have seen her plans for my outfit and they are scarey! A bright PINK speedo with a PINK fluffy tail attached, Big Ears and fluffy NIPPLE-CAPS!!! It will be my first trip to Comic Con (she has been three times already) and I think she would look alot better in the nipple-caps than I will!!! So? Some advice on how to take down the Kitten with a death wish?

Just for a little revenge I have already decorated her room in Twilight pictures :) with a little help from her sister. Can't wait to see her face when she gets back from work :) I'll send you a pic if I survive. I guess if she kills me, I wont have to worry about being a pink bunny in nipple-caps.

Much Thanks,

Jarred.

Jarred,

I live in NYC. The big apple. The city that never sleeps. The only city that matters. As far as Suicide Kitten goes...
I think you are being a bit dramatic. Plotting your downfall? Wearing a strange costume at Comic Con is pretty much par for the course. It doesn't seem like she is trying to bring you down. Quite the contrary actually.

It sounds like you and Suicide Kitten have crushes on each other. Are you guys more than friends? Even though you're complaining about getting embarrassed, all I am really hearing is "Man, I totally have a crush on Suicide Kitten." Have you told her you loved her? Have you guys ever hooked up?

Before we address the costume situation, I really think you need to tell her how you feel. Maybe you can even exchange sexual favors for not wearing the costume. It puzzles me why you would make a bet like that and put yourself in that position in the first place, but what's done is done. Go to Kitten's house and profess your undying love for her. Let me know what happens.

If you have any other questions please feel free to hit me at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com. Thanks!

Jack Daniels

2010-09-21T08:09:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Don't write letters to Jack Daniels expecting a response. After waiting about a week, I have come to terms with the fact that a response is unlikely. If per chance they do respond I will update this blog entry and post the reply.

Anyway, this is what I wrote them....

Dear Jack Daniels,

Yesterday was my 21st birthday. We don't usually celebrate birthdays where I come from (Swaziland) so it was a momentous occasion. My family and I recently moved to New Jersey and I am having a great time learning about the United States.

My birthday was actually the first time I ever consumed alcohol. My father bought me a bottle of Jack Daniels for this special day and he told me this was a very American drink. A special drink that when consumed in large quantities could make me extremely happy. I thanked my father. I drank a pint glass of Jack Daniels. I was expecting it to taste like Coca Cola but it was very harsh going down. I gagged a few times but I did not want to disappoint my father so I consumed the whole glass. Shortly thereafter, I became very dizzy and vomited. My father got very disappointed in me and questioned my masculinity. It was very very embarrassing. Did I do something wrong when consuming your beverage? Is it possible that there was something wrong with it? Please let me know. My father and I are not currently on speaking terms because I refuse to finish the bottle.

Thanks.

Who works in customer service over there? You have a quality control issue on your hands! Snap to it!

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 13

2010-09-20T19:27:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I received the following email in my inbox this morning...

Hey, Scott,

I am a fellow reader of your blog and was reading a few of your older posts and came across the one where you drank the 17 year old Pepsi. First, WHY? Why would you do that? No normal person would do that, depending on your definition of normal. Anyways, I watched the video you had posted and realized that you look like that dude Cal, fro iCarly. He's the dude who helped Carly with her science project by helping her build a nuclear powered generator. So I was wondering, have you ever been in the acting biz? At all, cuz I mean, you looked a lot like that actor.

Cheese Face (note-- note my real name. It's just the name i use to blog with.)

Cheese Face,

Originally, my friend Jordan was supposed to drink the Diet Crystal Pepsi. I told him I would purchase it if he would drink it. He got cold feet. I could not and would not let this go to waste. I also promised some friends that someone would drink it. I always keep a promise. Jordan got me some beers at a White Sox-Yankees game and we called it even.

Additionally, I never claimed to be "normal." I don't really think a "normal" person would write most of the material on my blog. What is normal anyway? Run-of-the-mill? Boring? Who wants to read a boring blog by a boring person?

Although I am familiar with the show iCarly I have never seen a full episode. You think I look like Cal? I posted a pic on the top of this post. Should I be flattered? Do you have a crush on me? Is that a good thing? Do I look like a actor or do I just look like that actor? Can you make me famous? Do I have to do porn first? I am pretty sure that's a bad idea. My mom would be so mad at me if I was in a porn movie. How do I explain that? I guess I would be in a porn if I didn't have to get naked. I could be listed in the credits as "Pizza Man #2 (the pizza man that does not get naked). Yeah! That could work! But just in case any serious directors are reading this and casting for a legitimate film, I would be happy to act in it.

Any other questions? Want to hire me to be in a movie where I don't have to show dong? Email me at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you!

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 12

2010-09-20T07:33:00.004-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I woke up with the following email in my inbox this morning....

Hello Mr Scott :)

(S.A has a presenter on Mnet named Scott Scott, hope you are not that unfortunate)

I am new to blogging and you have to be one of my favourite bloggers so far... One of my best friends is in love with the Twilight books and I have never understood why. I tried my best to read at least one but alas it made me want at chew my own arm off regurgitate it and feed it to my pet Parana. (to put it lightly) Still I am a good friend and wanted to find out what this obsession with the sparkly manic depressant pedophile was all about, so I watched the movie... I found it to be quite enjoyable... Not because it was a good movie (it was awful) but because the entire theater was filled with girls aged 14 to 30ish and two fabulous gay guys who could not control themselves throughout the entire movie... It was like watching BBC Wildlife. They were screaming and getting all giddy about some boy covered in glitter not eating the girl who smells like dinner... I doubt I will ever understand the love for Vampires... I mean yes pale boys who dress well are VERY attractive but I can move to Canada to get one of those. I don't know if you have visited http://theoatmeal.com/ (love this site) Mr Oatmeal Guy explained it to me and I now understand. http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight Tried to get my mate hooked on some grown up books but she was not interested... So I have distracted her with Terry Pratchett until I can find an appropriate Twilight substitute... Any ideas? I tried to get her to read The Agony and the Ecstasy (one of my favourites) but she didn't get through the first chapter. Anyway, thanks for the entertainment :)

Oh and I have an ongoing bet with a friend as to which is better Apple or Orange juice. We have one year to find as many people as possible to pick one. We fly to Comic-Con next year and the loser has to go as a Pink Fluffy Bunny. There are no rules in place which say I can not ask bloggers. It will hold up in court! Which do you prefer? (P.S. I say Apple is better and I really don't want to be a Pink Fluffy Bunny)

Ciao,

Suicide Kitten :)

Wow Suicide Kitten,

Mr. Scott? Thanks but you don't need to call me Mr. Scott. Scott's OK. We're all friends here. No need for formalities.

I actually bought a shirt a few months ago that addresses your question on apple juice vs. orange juice. See the pic directly above my post. Yeah. I actually bought that shirt and wear it. So, drink apple juice because O.J. will kill you.

Well if you want to get your friend into grown up books, I would pick something fun. Something that's exciting from the get go. A few posts ago I recommended Hunter S Thompson. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72 is a great book, full of drugs, politics and adventure. If you don't find it captivating, I don't really know where to start.

I guess if you don't think your friend can handle adult books yet, maybe ease her in with R.L. Stein young adult books and gradually work your way up to grown up stuff. Or start her on intelligent magazines. The New Yorker has cartoons. Cartoons and articles? Maybe you can fool her into learning/getting smart.

Thanks for the kind words, Suicide Kitten. Stay away from the sparkly pedophiles and keep it real. If anyone else has any questions feel free to hit me up at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com.

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 11

2010-09-18T08:12:00.001-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day:

I received the following e-mail in my inbox this morning...

Dear Scott,
I like your blog. I also like muffins. Do you like muffins? Cunningham muffins are the best. See here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tcR19y7GPM
Also, this is completely unrelated, but are you Team Edward or Team Jacob? Vampires or werewolves? Nosferatu or Loup-garou? If you could be one, which one would you be? I think I'd be a vampire and then I would get a blood muffin from Cunningham muffns. Plus, if I were a vampire I wouldn't have to wake up in the morning. I hate mornings and morning people piss me off. They would be the people I would eat first.

Domo Origato, Mr Scott-o.

Sincerely,
Brittany aka Looksie Lovitz (No relation to John Lovitz, as clearly this is not my real name and besides, John Lovitz is clearly superior. Why isn't The Critic still on TV??)

http://looksielovitz.blogspot.com/ <<==If you are expecting this to be a hilarious blog. It isn't. At all. It's my really corny book blog that in no way fully expresses my hilarity and awesomeness, but if I don't release my excess corny-ness, it takes over and makes me less awesome. So I recommend not visiting it unless you want to see me obsess about fictional 17 yr old boys. But if that's what you're into, it's cool. I don't judge.

Looksie Lovitz,

I am glad you like my blog, Looksie. I checked out yours. Books and Wits. We don't have the same taste in literature but I won't hold that against you. You like to read. You're passionate about it. I respect your difference in opinion. I mean you could do something crazy like obsess over Twilight instead, right? Oh wait. You already do that.

Believe it or not I have stayed as far away from the Twilight series as possible. I am not a huge fan of vampires. The 1922 film, Nosferatu, was the original vampire flick and it had anti-semetic undertones. Google it. There's a wealth of information on the subject. The vampire represents the "Jewish Plague." As a Jew, that doesn't really make me feel all warm and fuzzy. I'm not big into the anti-semitism. Despite what you hear, I have no vampire super powers....unless you consider a Jew-nose a super power. I tend to get allergies, so no, I don't even have a super sense of smell.

Furthermore, Twilight just looks like a gay porn without the sex. The pretty boys can't act and the dialogue leaves a little to be desired. If I wanted to watch gay porn I would rent gay porn. I prefer to use my leisure time pursuing other more constructive activities. Like writing ridiculous letters to the makers of Jack Daniels and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Yeah. I really did that. So far no response though. But I digress...

Your youtube muffin link is frightening. Maybe the Yom Kippur fast is dulling my sense of humor but I am just not digging it, I'm sorry.

I never used to be a morning person but then I got a job where I have to get to work early. I'm a morning person now, but not by choice, so please don't drink my blood. Since you like Jon Lovitz, maybe drink his? He is a pretty big dude. Plenty of blood. I used to watch the Critic too but I saw an episode recently and it hasn't aged well. There's a lot of good TV on these days. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Eastbound and Down. The Life and Times of Tim. You have other options so I would look toward the future and not get hung up on the past.

I wish you luck with your blog though, Looksie and even though we have our differences I still appreciate your fan mail. I'd check out some other authors though. Tom Wolfe. Hunter S. Thompson. Brett Easton Ellis. Ken Kesey. These guys write good stuff and their books aren't in the kids section. Check em out. But you don't have to take my word for it. Buh nuh nuh!

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 10

2010-09-17T07:24:00.004-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I received the following email in my inbox this morning...

Dear Scott,

Who are you in real life? Do you have to go to the bathroom or do you have powers against it?
Can you swim? How many tips do you actually have? Will you have another tip tomorrow or
more tormentings (I am aware that this is not a real word) of people at Dell? I am here. I am
ready.

Love, Claire

Hey Claire,

"Love Claire?" You signed your email "love?" Has our relationship grown that strong, that quickly? This is all going a little fast for me. I think we need to slow down and take stock of the situation. No, no, Claire. I know what you're thinking and it's not you, it's me.

Anyway, let me address your questions...

Who am I in real life? I'm Scott. I'm an attorney from NYC. My birthday is in a few weeks and I'll be 28. I love to travel, I love music, but I hate cauliflower.

I do go to the bathroom. A lot. I have a small bladder. Once I start drinking, forget about it. Unfortunately I have no ominous "powers against it."

I do know how to swim and I was on varsity swim team in high school. I swam 100 meter breast stroke and the breast stroke in the 200 meter medley relay. Growing up, I worked as a lifeguard and swim lesson instructor too. If you want tips on how to improve one of your strokes, take a video of yourself and send it in and I would be happy to give you some pointers. Seriously.

How many tips do I have? Enough to hold your attention for years and years, Claire. I'm an all knowing guru. I know everything worth knowing. Soon, you will too.

I am done with my series of Dell conversations. I have a few more, but they are not as amusing as the ones I posted and I wouldn't want to bore you.

Now, I have a question for you, Claire. In your email you said "Will you have another tip tomorrow or more tormentings (I am aware that this is not a real word) of people at Dell?" What are you implying? That people who work at Dell do not exist in the real world? Or is it just people from India? India is real. I have never been there but I am pretty sure it exists, even though I haven't seen it with my own two eyes. You better not be implying by blog doesn't exist in the real world. This is very real, Claire. Very real.

I don't like to think of what I do as "tormenting" either. These people get paid whether I kid around with them or not. I never personally attack them and I am a lot more fun than 99% of the people they talk to. I am doing them a favor.

When's my next tip? I'll provide you with tips as often as I can. Sometimes the real world gets in the way. I get kidnapped. Held for ransom. Shot. Caged. If you walked a day in my shoes you would see what I mean. I wear 10 1/2's. Can you fit in those?

I hope I answered your questions to your satisfaction. If anyone else has any questions please feel free to email me at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com. I am looking forward to hearing from you.

UPDATE*********************************

So after re-reading Claire's email I realize she said "real world" and not "real word." I am always right, so obviously it must have been some computer error. In any case, please ignore. In the meantime I will be breaking this computer to pieces. Thanks.

The Dell Customer Service Chats Volume 4

2010-09-16T07:21:00.000-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Namaste! So a recap. In 2005, I went to lawschool and owned a Dell laptop. My computer's harddrive broke twice. My AC adapter broke. My laptop bag broke. And now (drum roll please)...........my ethernet broke. What follows is my conversation with a Dell tech support guy. This is the final chapter in the Dell Customer Service Chats series. I hope you have enjoyed it.

Welcome to Dell Chat. Please wait for an available agent. You will be notified when your chat is accepted by an agent.
The session has been accepted.
{Dario 6:59:44 AM}
Thank you for contacting Dell Hardware Warranty Support. MY name is Dario. May I have your name and the telephone number as on our records ?

{ 6:59:53 AM} hi Dario! I like your name!
{ 7:00:01 AM} What kind of name is Dario!?
{ 7:00:09 AM} My problem is When i open my internet connections no LAN Shows up only a wireless, how do i get this lan to show up? what driver do i need to install?

{Dario 7:00:09 AM} Thank you.
{Dario 7:00:13 AM} May I have your full name and phone number as on the records?
{ 7:00:23 AM} scott CENSORED
{Dario 7:00:31 AM} May I also have the address on the account please?

{ 7:00:39 AM} CENSORED
{ 7:00:51 AM} it's me I promise
{ 7:01:06 AM} I yam who i yam, popeye used to say that
{ 7:01:18 AM} So you think you can help me with this little problem I have?

{Dario 7:01:42 AM} Yes. scott.

{ 7:01:45 AM} Nobody knows how to fix it, Fred didn't and Elmira didn't and Sally certainly didn't, all Sally does is cry these days

{Dario 7:01:54 AM} But before that May I have the address to which the system was shipped?

{ 7:02:10 AM} i gave it to you Dario! CENSORED
{ 7:02:23 AM} That is where it was shipped, it was shipped there in a box

{Dario 7:02:29 AM} But I do have a different address on the account.

{ 7:02:33 AM} OH
{ 7:02:36 AM} I have a new address

{Dario 7:02:39 AM} I have a Westbury address.

{ 7:02:42 AM} Is it CENSORED

{Dario 7:02:45 AM} Thank you for the verification.
{Dario 7:02:50 AM} Thank you for the verification.

{ 7:02:53 AM} That is not where it was shipped Dario!
{ 7:02:58 AM} That is my new address! You misspoke!

{Dario 7:03:07 AM} I apologize.

{ 7:03:11 AM} I answered your question correctly! You just asked the wrong question
{ 7:03:23 AM} It's ok, I am in a good mood, so I won't yell or get crazy

{Dario 7:03:34 AM} Scott,as I understand there is no ethernet driver listed,am I right?

{ 7:03:49 AM} You are 100 percent right Dario

{Dario 7:03:52 AM} Since when are you facing this problem?

{ 7:04:05 AM} since my harddrive broke for the second time, you sent me a new one
{ 7:04:11 AM} or dell did rather

{Dario 7:04:15 AM} Okay.

{ 7:04:21 AM} i lost all my music too
{ 7:04:28 AM} Do you like music? I lost all of it

{Dario 7:04:35 AM} I apologize for the inconvenience.

{ 7:04:40 AM} I have this band called "Everyday I break pineapples over my head"

{Dario 7:04:41 AM} I can understand the way you are feeling. I would have felt the same way had I been in your situation

{ 7:04:45 AM} We are really big in Kentucky
{ 7:04:51 AM} I lost our demo when my computer crashed

{Dario 7:04:53 AM} Woderful.

{ 7:05:00 AM} yeah, losing it wasn't too great
{ 7:05:07 AM} I play the kazoo, the guitar and the skin flute

{Dario 7:05:11 AM} Yes,I do understand.
{Dario 7:05:16 AM} Great.

{ 7:05:24 AM} yeah, do you play any instruments?

{Dario 7:05:43 AM} Unfortunately,No
{Dario 7:05:50 AM} But I like music.

{ 7:06:00 AM} Oh yeah? What are your favorite bands?

{Dario 7:06:30 AM} Metallica,Linkin Park and so on.

{ 7:06:59 AM} Ah, Yes, you like the hard stuff!

{Dario 7:07:06 AM} yes.

{ 7:07:10 AM} Stuff you can bang your head to and just rock out! Rock out!!!!!

{Dario 7:07:14 AM} yeah.

{ 7:07:25 AM} awesome, are you in America or India?

{Dario 7:07:31 AM} India.

{ 7:07:40 AM} I bet metallica doesn't tour there too often

{Dario 7:07:47 AM} Yeah.

{ 7:08:03 AM} i live around NYC it's nice, every band hits here when they are on tour
{ 7:08:14 AM} NYC = new york city in case you didn't know
{ 7:08:25 AM} I don't know if the abbreviation is common knowledge
{ 7:08:44 AM} we don't learn abbreviations in primary school, you have to take courses on it in college in america

{Dario 7:08:47 AM} It is common Knowledge here.
{Dario 7:08:54 AM} Yes,I know.
{Dario 7:09:11 AM} Have you installed all the other drivers after installing XP?

{ 7:09:19 AM} Yeah everything else appears to be in working order

{Dario 7:09:49 AM} Are you chatting from the same system?

{ 7:10:03 AM} yes, my wireless works

{Dario 7:10:07 AM} Okay.
{Dario 7:10:10 AM} Click Start, and then right click My Computer and click Properties.
Click Hardware tab on top of the new window.
Click Device Manager right in the middle of the window. The device manager window will pop up.
{Dario 7:10:21 AM} Then click on network adapter.

{ 7:10:22 AM} I am on a wireless network

{Dario 7:10:25 AM} Okay.

{ 7:10:28 AM} I am actually in class in Law school right now!
{ 7:10:36 AM} i am bored so i figured i would solve this problem

{Dario 7:10:38 AM} Okay.
{Dario 7:10:57 AM} Go to the device manager and click on network adapter.

{ 7:11:09 AM} ok
i am there!
{ 7:11:24 AM} there is a big yellow question mark next to 02microsmartcardbus reader

{Dario 7:11:25 AM} Which are the drivers listed?
{Dario 7:11:29 AM} Okay.

{ 7:11:34 AM} but the wireless connection looks cool
{ 7:11:45 AM} Cool as a cucumber, do you have cucumbers in India? Pickles?

{Dario 7:12:04 AM} Yes,we do have cucumbers here.
{Dario 7:12:13 AM} Do you see Broadcom driver listed?

{ 7:12:14 AM} I bet they are good!

{Dario 7:12:21 AM} Yes,they are.
{Dario 7:12:25 AM} Do you see Broadcom driver listed?

{ 7:12:38 AM} no i have intel pro wireless listed then other devices has a question mark and under that all there is is 02 micro smartcardbus reader

{Dario 7:12:45 AM} Okay.
{Dario 7:13:07 AM} I will give you the links to install both Broadcom and the 02 micro smartcardbus reader drivers.

{ 7:13:17 AM} oh great
{ 7:13:20 AM} thank you

{Dario 7:13:27 AM} You are welcome.

{ 7:13:40 AM} How did you get so good at solving these problems?

{Dario 7:13:43 AM} O2 micro cardbus driver
http://support.dell.com/support/downloads/download.aspx?c=us&cs=19&l=en&s=dhs&releaseid=R85239&SystemID=INS_PNT_PM_600M&os=WW1&osl=en&deviceid=2616&devlib=0&typecnt=1&vercnt=3&formatcnt=1&fileid=111661

{ 7:13:49 AM} You guys always answer my questions

{Dario 7:13:56 AM} With a lot of training.

{ 7:14:01 AM} it boggles my mind! I could spend 5 years and i wouldn't know

{Dario 7:14:03 AM} And also working on issues.

{ 7:14:06 AM} is the training boring?

{Dario 7:14:17 AM} No,on the contrary it is very exciting.
{Dario 7:14:24 AM} You get to know a lot of things.

{ 7:14:42 AM} yeah knowing stuff is the coolest

{Dario 7:14:46 AM} Yes.
{Dario 7:15:08 AM} Did you receive the link for the O2 cardbus driver?

{ 7:15:16 AM} i did, i just need one more link i think

{Dario 7:15:20 AM} Yes.
{Dario 7:15:48 AM} Broadcom driver
http://support.dell.com/support/downloads/download.aspx?c=us&cs=19&l=en&s=dhs&releaseid=R107518&SystemID=INS_PNT_PM_600M&os=WW1&osl=en&deviceid=2967&devlib=0&typecnt=3&vercnt=3&formatcnt=1&fileid=139326
{Dario 7:15:49 AM} Click on the link and then save the file on the desktop screen.
{Dario 7:16:07 AM} Then double click on the files that you have saved and install them.

{ 7:16:21 AM} awesome
{ 7:16:29 AM} do you get to listen to metallica at work
{ 7:16:40 AM} Do you have to wear a tie or can you go in a hawaiin shirt?

{Dario 7:16:57 AM} No,the dress code is not Formal.

{ 7:17:11 AM} oh awesome, can you talk to babes online when you are at work?

{Dario 7:17:15 AM} Yes,I do listen to metallica at work.

{ 7:17:20 AM} wow what a job
{ 7:17:43 AM} You listen to music and just kick back in your hawaiin shirt, next thing you will tell me is you can drink bloody mary's and screwdrivers!
{ 7:17:47 AM} that would be the best job ever

{Dario 7:17:59 AM} No,I would not be able to talk to babes online while at work.

{ 7:18:21 AM} if a hot woman asked me for technical help i would just tell her to fly out to india and i would show her personally
{ 7:18:32 AM} i bet you some women would

{Dario 7:18:43 AM} Okay,thank you.

{ 7:18:44 AM} you should try it!
{ 7:18:54 AM} do you work with any hot babes in the office?

{Dario 7:20:10 AM} I certainly work with female colleagues

{ 7:20:26 AM} well some of them must be physically attractive
{ 7:20:41 AM} I am sure they are all mentally stimulating but I bet a select few are "hot mamas"

{Dario 7:23:00 AM} Well,I would not be able to comment on your terminoligies.

{ 7:23:17 AM} Hahaha you are smart! they probably monitor your conversations
{ 7:23:48 AM} You will go far in business if you don't get anyone pregnant, I was going to be a successful business tycoon but i got 3 girls pregnant
{ 7:24:09 AM} then they ask for money
{ 7:24:14 AM} all women want is money and clothes
{ 7:24:25 AM} How much can they shop, Dario, how much can they shop!?
{ 7:25:33 AM} Do any of your friends call you Oreo? Can I call you Oreo, Dario?

{Dario 7:26:10 AM} Is there anything else I can assist you with the system ?

{ 7:26:31 AM} I am sorry you don't like my conversation Oreo
{ 7:26:43 AM} I will work on it, I guess I am terribly boring :-(

{Dario 7:26:48 AM} No,I do like it.

{ 7:27:09 AM} I have another question about my computer yes

{Dario 7:27:19 AM} Yes

{ 7:27:36 AM} So there is a little black splotch on the bottom of my screen, i think the pixels are broken or something
{ 7:27:41 AM} its very small but it is always black
{ 7:27:47 AM} i guess i need a new screen eh?

{Dario 7:27:58 AM} Since when is the pixel on the screen?

{ 7:28:09 AM} a few days ago
{ 7:28:16 AM} it isnt big, but i would guess i cant fix it

{Dario 7:28:24 AM} Do you have an external monitor with you?

{ 7:28:27 AM} i dont know if it is worth getting a new screen for it
{ 7:28:31 AM} No I am in class!
{ 7:28:35 AM} i dont even have one at home

{Dario 7:28:51 AM} Okay.
{Dario 7:29:03 AM} Have you checked the pixel in the bios?

{ 7:29:11 AM} If i had a additional external monitor i probably would have sold it for money to go to the titty bar
{ 7:29:16 AM} Oh no, how do i do that

{Dario 7:29:38 AM} Restart the system and hit the F2 key as soon as you see the Dell logo.
{Dario 7:29:46 AM} You would be in the bios screen.
{Dario 7:30:10 AM} Check the pixel there.

{ 7:30:24 AM} Bios, man computers are so complicated

{Dario 7:30:59 AM} You can also check this link for more information
http://support.dell.com/support/topics/global.aspx/support/kb/en/document?dn=1018431&l=en&langid=1&c=us&cs=19&s=dhs

{ 7:31:29 AM} man you have a link for everything
{ 7:31:36 AM} I dont even know what bios means
{ 7:31:40 AM} i thought you meant biography
{ 7:31:47 AM} Like my computer wrote a biography
{ 7:31:55 AM} Which would be cool, but i mean kind of crazy

{Dario 7:32:23 AM} BIOS is Basic Input and Output System.

{ 7:32:45 AM} Dario, would you agree that SpaceJam is the worst movie of all time?

{Dario 7:34:07 AM} Scott,I have not watched the Movie.

{ 7:34:18 AM} don't, it's horrible!

{Dario 7:34:34 AM} Okay.
{Dario 7:34:35 AM} Is there anything else I can assist you with the system ?

{ 7:34:51 AM} well lets see we talked about bios, my ethernet card.....
{ 7:35:07 AM} if i want to play music on my computer what is the best program?
{ 7:35:12 AM} is winamp the best? what do you use?

{Dario 7:35:33 AM} You can use Winamp or windows media player.

{ 7:35:46 AM} what do YOU use, you are the local expert

{Dario 7:36:18 AM} I use Winamp at Home.

{ 7:36:32 AM} do they not let you download it on your computer at work?

{Dario 7:37:49 AM} No,I am not supposed to listen to music while I work.

{ 7:38:18 AM} hahaha i won't tell anyone, Oreo!
{ 7:38:38 AM} Do you use an american keyboard
{ 7:39:16 AM} how do I say "hello" in indian?

{Dario 7:40:24 AM} Namaste.
{Dario 7:40:29 AM} Is there anything else I can assist you with the system ?

{ 7:40:45 AM} I guess not! Boy, you are in a rush oreo!
{ 7:40:51 AM} Trying to get me out of here!
{ 7:41:04 AM} I am sorry! I am just making friendly conversation!
{ 7:41:14 AM} I figure you get bored at work and talk to mean people

{Dario 7:41:16 AM} No problem,Scott.

{ 7:41:20 AM} So i would go out of my way to be nice
{ 7:41:55 AM} You should lighten up, take it easy, life is too short to go crazy work work working!

{Dario 7:42:36 AM} Okay.
{Dario 7:42:56 AM} When you end the session by clicking the END button at the bottom of the screen, you will receive an invitation to take part in our customer feedback survey. Please spend a minute of your time in providing us with your valuable feedback. This would help us in improving our services." The survey will be on a scale of 1 to 9 where 9 is the best and 1 is the least

{ 7:43:01 AM} I will let you go, I can tell you are a go getter
{ 7:43:09 AM} you want to help the world
{ 7:43:18 AM} Like many young idealistic people
{ 7:43:42 AM} But soon you will realize your efforts have gone in vain, and despite all the help you try to provide, people will still complain about their computers and technical support
{ 7:43:52 AM} You can't please everyone Oreo! Remember that!

{Dario 7:44:22 AM} Okay.

{ 7:44:41 AM} Anyway it was nice talking to you, thanks for the help Oreo!
{ 7:45:01 AM} stay away from milk or you'll get soggy SOGGGGYYYYYYYY

{Dario 7:45:02 AM} You are welcome.
{Dario 7:45:11 AM} Thank you for visiting Dell Technical Support online chat and allowing me the opportunity to assist you. Also, feel free to visit us again at http://support.dell.com/support/topics/global.aspx/support/en/chat?c=us&cs=19&l=en&s=dhs
{Dario 7:45:16 AM} Have a nice day.

So what's the moral here? If your name is Dario, I'm probably going to call you Oreo. Oh, and "Namaste" means hello in Indian. There you go, you just learned something.

The Dell Customer Service Chats Volume 3

2010-09-15T07:38:00.001-04:00

Scott's Tip of The Day: If you have been following my Dell Customer Service Chat series then you are well aware I encountered many problems with my Dell laptop in 2005. I also had adapter problems. And now....that's right...laptop BAG problems. Even my laptop bag broke. I promise you, I am not a mongoloid. I'm not Lenny from of Mice and Men. I never meant to kill that lady...I mean break my laptop bag...and laptop adapter....and laptop. Anyway, enough chit chat, let's get down to brass tacks...

Welcome to Dell Chat. Please wait for an available agent. You will be notified when your chat is accepted by an agent.
The session has been accepted.
{David 3:16:48 PM} Welcome to Dell Sales Chat. My name is David. I'll be your personal sales agent.How can I help you today?

{ 3:17:03 PM} Hey David!

{David 3:17:15 PM} Hi.

{ 3:17:23 PM} You must be in texas

{David 3:17:33 PM} Yup

{ 3:17:33 PM} Thank God they arent sending me all the way over to India!
{ 3:17:47 PM} Last time I needed an AC adapter and they wanted to ship me headphones
{ 3:18:00 PM} they were sending me wrong links, it was horrible then they yelled at me, basically scolded me
{ 3:18:08 PM} Anyway I have this dell bag that came with my computer
{ 3:18:13 PM} And it just totally broke

{David 3:18:22 PM} What system do you have?

{ 3:18:25 PM} I have had it for a little over a year but the hinges that hold the handle collapsed
{ 3:18:31 PM} I have a dell 600m inspiron
{ 3:18:46 PM} But i mean, should my bag collapse after only a year of light use?

{David 3:19:28 PM} It shouldn't have.

{ 3:20:00 PM} is there some sort of quality guarantee?
{ 3:20:09 PM} Can I send it back and get it fixed or a new one or somethin?
{ 3:20:16 PM} i bought it with my computer
{ 3:20:22 PM} I spent like eleventy billion dollars on it

{David 3:20:41 PM} =)
{David 3:20:45 PM} You have to talk to customer care about that.

{ 3:20:56 PM} Can i speak online?
{ 3:21:01 PM} I am actually in class right now
{ 3:21:06 PM} I am a law student
{ 3:21:19 PM} Thats why i need a bag to carry it around, to look smart, but really i just talk to people online all day
{ 3:21:22 PM} it's a pretty good scam

{David 3:21:38 PM} Ha..

{ 3:21:44 PM} phone calls are hard to make from class, once i did at my professor yelled at me
{ 3:21:52 PM} he told me i was being rude

{David 3:22:03 PM} They have a chat link too, let me get it.

{ 3:22:05 PM} Can you believe the nerve of the guy? It was a job interview, i told the professor to cram it and he kicked me out
{ 3:22:20 PM} but i got the job, they said they liked my go get em attitude

{David 3:22:40 PM} that's great.
{David 3:22:53 PM} You can contact Customer Care by going to www.dellcustomercare.com or by calling 1-800-915-3355 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 1-800-915-3355 end_of_the_skype_highlighting ext. 72-66966.

{ 3:23:23 PM} thanks David, or can I call you dave?
{ 3:23:35 PM} Maybe we can dispense with formalities and I can call you Dave-O or davey boy
{ 3:23:40 PM} Perhaps Davey Crocket
{ 3:24:20 PM} My dad called himself davey crocket, his name wasnt even david!

{David 3:24:23 PM} Dave is fine, what's yours?

{ 3:24:29 PM} My name is Scott
{ 3:24:39 PM} So are you in the middle of nowhere texas today?

{David 3:25:18 PM} just on the edge

{ 3:25:33 PM} I heard a rumor that sometimes dell reps are slow to respond because they are playing like crazy games like snood online, is that true or just an urban legend?

{David 3:26:10 PM} It's just talk. We have a gazillion things to do while taking in chats and calls.

{ 3:26:15 PM} I bet you are good at snood, you strike me as a snood player with solid fundamental skills
{ 3:26:26 PM} i used to work at a gym, all i played was snood
{ 3:26:33 PM} They loved me cause i showed up on time

{David 3:26:45 PM} Not that well actrually

{ 3:27:05 PM} Well they say practice makes perfect, How is it working at dell?
{ 3:27:15 PM} A friend of mine wants to move down there and start workin with computers

{David 3:27:57 PM} it's great, lots of benefits and stuff. But the work load is just, well you know what I mean.

{ 3:28:22 PM} Yeah the workload is never great, the trick is to drag it out
{ 3:28:38 PM} Like this conversation right here, you just take like 2 hours to do it, then your boss says we can work on this, we need some improvement
{ 3:28:48 PM} then you say ok i will work on it, and you just drag the next one out an hour and a half
{ 3:29:03 PM} And they think you are brilliant cause you like improved efficiency by 25 percent
{ 3:29:21 PM} Then you get a promotion, before you know it you have a hot lady on your lap, you're throwin your money around

{David 3:29:34 PM} Wish it was that easy

{ 3:29:37 PM} Thats what my dad said the key to success is, though he is a confirmed alcoholic
{ 3:29:43 PM} he is slightly delusional
{ 3:30:10 PM} I mean imagine being 6 and waking up and thinking its the tooth ferry but its your dad urinating on your new life size mickey mouse doll from disney world
{ 3:30:14 PM} it was a rough childhood

{David 3:30:46 PM} That's sad

{ 3:30:49 PM} But now i am going to law school
{ 3:30:53 PM} I plan to sue his pants off
{ 3:31:20 PM} he has all of this money in all sorts of crazy accounts
{ 3:31:25 PM} he has fake names and stuff
{ 3:31:43 PM} So how do you like living on the edge of the middle of nowhere?

{David 3:32:32 PM} kinda
miss the coast

{ 3:32:38 PM} which one?
{ 3:32:45 PM} I live just outside of NYC

{David 3:33:53 PM} West, LA

{ 3:34:09 PM} Oh man a california boy!
{ 3:34:15 PM} how did you end up in texas!?

{David 3:34:17 PM} All the way
{David 3:34:45 PM} Trying to catch a girl,

{ 3:35:05 PM} OH MAN, i know
{ 3:35:22 PM} they make you do crazy things

{David 3:35:34 PM} yeah, but we broke up. i'm free again.

{ 3:35:44 PM} I went to El Salvador once with Peace Core, following a girl
{ 3:35:54 PM} She fell in love with this indigenous Mayan Tribesman
{ 3:36:13 PM} Now she lives in a hut! I am a trust fund baby and she chose a MAYAN over me!

{David 3:37:01 PM} well you know how they think

{ 3:37:12 PM} Do they think?
{ 3:37:26 PM} I think they just act, and ask me for things
{ 3:37:31 PM} Scott can you pay my car loan
{ 3:37:40 PM} Scott can you take me on vacation
{ 3:38:02 PM} Scott can you pay for my herpes medication!
{ 3:38:08 PM} Scott can you take me to dinner
{ 3:38:15 PM} I mean whine whine whine it was probably for the best

{David 3:38:24 PM} Yeah

{ 3:38:34 PM} so are you gonna head back to cali

{David 3:38:59 PM} don't know yet, still enjoying it here

{ 3:39:07 PM} it must be a lot different
{ 3:39:27 PM} Is texas backwards compared with california?
{ 3:39:40 PM} do you get a lot of attitude cause you are "californian"
{ 3:40:11 PM} Once I went to kentucky and they threatened to "gimme a whoopin" if i didn't "Go on and dun not git"
{ 3:40:17 PM} I dont even know what that means!
{ 3:41:55 PM} needless to say i left

{David 3:42:02 PM} Sometimes, though they say I'm getting the texan accent or something like that

{ 3:42:14 PM} oh no!!!
{ 3:42:19 PM} Do you say "Y'all"
{ 3:42:36 PM} that's the hump, once you cross that line fwoooshhhh forget it man, you're a goner

{David 3:42:45 PM} try to avoid it

{ 3:43:03 PM} yeah, do you do stereotypical texan things now like go to High school ball games
{ 3:43:19 PM} and then talk about it in your local hangout like the barbershop or the Sip N Go

{David 3:43:34 PM} sometimes, can't avoid it

{ 3:43:45 PM} Oh man, we gotta get you back to california
{ 3:44:14 PM} What did you do in college, did you do computer stuff

{David 3:44:21 PM} not yet, the pay is better here. hahaha.

{ 3:44:37 PM} haha

{David 3:45:03 PM} would you believe i'm an animator, old school

{ 3:45:27 PM} thats awesome, i love to doodle
{ 3:45:34 PM} OH i have a serious question for you, I talked to this girl last time I needed help with my adapter, her name was Paulette, does she work in the same office with you?

{David 3:46:08 PM} hey man, sorry to cut this off, ny sups looking into this chat and giving me the look already. Have to go

{ 3:46:29 PM} Ok well thanks for your help
{ 3:46:39 PM} Good luck with everything, don't let the man get you down

{David 3:46:55 PM} Yup.

Thank you for contacting Dell Sales Chat. Have a nice day.
{ 3:47:00 PM} you too

So just for the record, I am not a trust fund baby, I am definitely not a misogynist and I have never been to El Salvador. David seemed like a nice guy and I didn't want to get him into trouble so I decided to exit the conversation gracefully instead of getting his supervisors mad at him. Did David ever move back to California? Did he start saying "y'all?" Boy, I wish I knew. Unfortunately, I tried to look up "David" in Texas, and wouldn't ya know, there are a whole lotta Davids down there. Who'da thunk it? Well David, wherever you are. I wish you well.

My advice? Maybe don't purchase a Dell computer, laptop or adapter. Dell stuff really likes to break.

If you have any questions for me, the all-knowing Scott, feel free to hit me up at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com. I would be happy to answer any question you might have.

The Dell Customer Service Chats Volume 2

2010-09-14T07:10:00.000-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you have read my previous blog entries, then you know that I had a lot of problems with my Dell laptop computer in law school. I had numerous online conversations with Dell tech representatives and saved them. What follows is another choice conversation. For the record, the breakup mentioned in this conversation was purely fiction. I did not date a 7-foot-tall basketball player.

Welcome to Dell Chat. Please wait for an available agent. You will be notified when your chat is accepted by an agent.
The session has been accepted.

{TARUN_VAISH 3:19:19 PM} At the end of this interaction you may be offered the opportunity to provide me with feedback. In order to do so you will need to click the "End Chat" button rather than using the "X" at the top of the screen. You may rate this interaction on a scale of 1 to 9 (1 being worst and 9 being best). I appreciate your feedback.
Thank you for contacting Dell Consumer Customer Care Chat. My name is Tarun. How may I help you today ?

{ 3:19:42 PM} my harddrive broke, you sent me a new one, you billed me for the old one
{ 3:19:49 PM} i gather you want my old harddrive back
{ 3:20:15 PM} is this assumption correct?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:20:47 PM} Yes, you have to sent the defective hard drive.
{TARUN_VAISH 3:20:53 PM} For security and verification purposes, I need your initial billing address and phone# on account, would you be kind enough to provide me the information?

{ 3:21:36 PM} CENSORED
{ 3:21:46 PM} those are the original address and telephone numbers, though they have changed
{ 3:21:55 PM} I broke up with my girlfriend, now i live somewhere else
{ 3:22:34 PM} we got into a big fight, she told me i am good for nothing, i am like the housekeeper takes care of the house you are the working woman what do you want from me but she called me lazy..... she didnt understand
{ 3:22:42 PM} in any case i live in New york now, no more connecticut for me

{TARUN_VAISH 3:22:55 PM} Thank you for the information.

{ 3:23:19 PM} yeah my girlfriend wants me to move back now
{ 3:23:29 PM} but i told her no, she makes me move, now she wants me back
{ 3:23:37 PM} are the girls like that in india too?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:24:02 PM} I really felt sorry for you.

{ 3:24:18 PM} what are the ladies like in india?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:24:42 PM} I can understand your position Scott.

{ 3:24:44 PM} in america, they make you buy them expensive gifts and if you don't they refuse to "have relations" with you

{TARUN_VAISH 3:25:31 PM} Scott, there is good and bad people everywhere.

{ 3:25:46 PM} yeah, she totally is a bad person, what was I thinking!?
{ 3:25:58 PM} Oh man Tarun, you are so wise
{ 3:26:04 PM} can you help me with my dell problem

{TARUN_VAISH 3:26:10 PM} Thank you. Scott.
{TARUN_VAISH 3:26:29 PM} Sure , please elaborate your issue.

{ 3:26:43 PM} well i basically need the deliveryman to pick up my harddrive
{ 3:26:53 PM} i dont really know hhow to do that, he came to my neighbors house yesterday
{ 3:26:58 PM} i asked him to bring it to you guys
{ 3:27:07 PM} and he told me he couldnt
{ 3:27:18 PM} and i am like come on man, that is your job, you deliver things
{ 3:27:23 PM} but he told me that isn't how it works
{ 3:27:55 PM} so how do i get this harddrive back to you?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:28:22 PM} Please do not worry Scott.
{TARUN_VAISH 3:28:34 PM} I am here to help you.

{ 3:28:40 PM} i couldnt afford to pay like 200 dollars to do this
{ 3:28:49 PM} i didnt sleep last night
{ 3:28:54 PM} thank God they have people like you to help me
{ 3:29:08 PM} otherwise the bill collector would come and break my legs, like that time i couldnt pay off a gambling debt

{TARUN_VAISH 3:29:23 PM} I am initiating a request for the return of the hard drive and you do not have to pay any return charges.

{ 3:29:52 PM} Man, you are like a genie in a bottle, i just ask you for help and you fix my problems
{ 3:30:12 PM} You should have your own business where you just "fix situations" for people

{TARUN_VAISH 3:30:23 PM} Thank you for the compliment. Scott.

{ 3:30:45 PM} anytime, you can call me Colonel Scott if you want
{ 3:30:51 PM} I was in the Army for awhile
{ 3:30:59 PM} I commanded troops over in Vietnam

{TARUN_VAISH 3:31:06 PM} Sure, Colonel Scott.
{TARUN_VAISH 3:31:36 PM} It was nice to hear Colonel that you served for your country.
{TARUN_VAISH 3:31:45 PM} Please confirm me the address from where the material needs to be picked up.

{ 3:32:01 PM} Yeah, it was tough, humping a 90 pound backpack in the rice paddies, running from charlie

{ 3:32:11 PM} have you served for the Indian military?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:33:08 PM} No, Scott, I did not get this opportunity .

{ 3:33:41 PM} it's crazy, war is hell man, war is hell
{ 3:33:51 PM} how do you like your job at dell?
{ 3:34:06 PM} The material needs to be picked up from
CENSORED

{TARUN_VAISH 3:34:32 PM} Thank you for the confirmation. Colonel Scott.

{ 3:34:46 PM} what do your friends call you for short Tarun?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:34:46 PM} Please allow me a 1-2 minutes to process the request.

{ 3:34:53 PM} Can I call you Tarmeister?
{ 3:35:08 PM} Or Mix master Tarun

{TARUN_VAISH 3:35:21 PM} They call me Tarun. Yes you can Scott.

{ 3:35:31 PM} Awesome!
{ 3:36:33 PM} So do you work with cool peoeple at dell? Do you work with any cute girls?
{ 3:36:59 PM} there were no cute girls in the military in vietnam it was horrible, we ended up just buying prostitutes in random cities we came across

{TARUN_VAISH 3:37:16 PM} Yes, all are very helpful .

{ 3:37:24 PM} but are they babes!?
{ 3:37:31 PM} do they have nice figures

{TARUN_VAISH 3:37:35 PM} The UPS will come to pick up the items from you.

{ 3:37:38 PM} do they wink at you
{ 3:37:41 PM} or blow kisses?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:38:06 PM} The pick-up will be done on next business day during business hours between : 9:00AM to 5:00PM CST.
{TARUN_VAISH 3:38:15 PM} The UPS reference # is CENSORED
{TARUN_VAISH 3:38:21 PM} Write the reference number on the box in which you return the item.
{TARUN_VAISH 3:38:25 PM} They will email you confirming the pickup and mentioning timing and date of pickup.
If you need to change the pickup time or date, please call UPS at 1-800-742-5877

{ 3:38:57 PM} if i am not there can i leave a note?
{ 3:39:44 PM} i may not be home, should i just leave a box with a note

{TARUN_VAISH 3:39:50 PM} Scott, You can call UPS and fix the appointment for the pick up.

{ 3:39:56 PM} is friday a business day?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:40:13 PM} Yes, friday is a business day.

{ 3:40:19 PM} i work everyday, it is hard to keep track
{ 3:40:30 PM} i mean i work on saturday so i say "hey, saturday should be a business day too"
{ 3:40:35 PM} but people just tell me i am crazy
{ 3:40:41 PM} Do you think I am crazy Mix master Tarun?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:40:55 PM} No Scott, Not at all.

{ 3:41:09 PM} Please call me Colonel Scott!
{ 3:41:15 PM} I worked hard to earn my rank!

{TARUN_VAISH 3:41:25 PM} Sorry, Colonel Scott!

{ 3:41:30 PM} thank you!

{TARUN_VAISH 3:41:54 PM} You are most welcome.

{ 3:42:08 PM} do you play cricket?
{ 3:42:37 PM} i hear indians like to play cricket
{ 3:42:47 PM} in america we have baseball. i dont understand cricket

{TARUN_VAISH 3:43:00 PM} Yes I do play cricket.

{ 3:43:16 PM} Wow, do you play for one of the big teams in India?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:43:43 PM} No, at domestic level only.

{ 3:43:59 PM} do you think you could make one of those big teams?
{ 3:44:12 PM} I bet you could
{ 3:44:16 PM} You should try out!
{ 3:45:09 PM} how come india never makes the soccer world cup?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:45:18 PM} Thank you for the appreciation.

{ 3:45:34 PM} do you call soccer football in india or soccer?
{ 3:46:09 PM} my exgirlfriend was a professional basketball player, she was 7 feet tall!!!!!! But she is the one that kicked me out of her house
{ 3:46:14 PM} we dont really talk anymore

{TARUN_VAISH 3:46:16 PM} Mainly Football but some call it soccer also.

{ 3:46:22 PM} that's confusing!
{ 3:46:43 PM} some people in america call soccer Polly-dongle
{ 3:46:50 PM} i dont know how it got started
{ 3:47:19 PM} i prefer soccer, i think polly-dongle sounds silly
{ 3:48:12 PM} in Vietnam we played these vietnamese in soccer once, we said, lets put our guns down and whoever wins the game gets the territory, the other people have to walk away

{TARUN_VAISH 3:48:23 PM} Yes , you are correct.

{ 3:48:25 PM} so when they put their guns down we shot em
{ 3:49:06 PM} all is fair in love and war my friend!

{TARUN_VAISH 3:49:48 PM} True Colonel Scott.

{ 3:50:21 PM} Does india have submarines?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:50:31 PM} Yes,
{TARUN_VAISH 3:50:50 PM} Is there anything else I can assist you with?

{ 3:51:01 PM} do they use dell computers on the submarines?
{ 3:51:07 PM} have you ever had to work on a submarine?
{ 3:51:13 PM} in america they dont let women work on submarines
{ 3:51:21 PM} because of the close quarters

{TARUN_VAISH 3:52:50 PM} Ok.

{ 3:52:56 PM} Is Vaish your last name?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:53:12 PM} Yes,It is my surname.

{ 3:53:35 PM} well i have a few more questions
{ 3:53:54 PM} do you have apple trees in india?
{ 3:54:20 PM} have you ever ridden on a giraffe before? we dont have giraffes in america

{TARUN_VAISH 3:54:24 PM} Yes, we do have apple trees.

{ 3:54:30 PM} have you ever eaten giraffe? what does it taste like?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:54:43 PM} No , Colonel Scott.

{ 3:55:05 PM} what time does the sun set in india?
{ 3:55:33 PM} Do you have blumpkins in india?
{ 3:56:54 PM} are you married?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:57:04 PM} Colonel Scott, I apologize we have some time constrains and I am unable to discuss these details any further.

{ 3:57:17 PM} Oh Tarmeister

{TARUN_VAISH 3:57:22 PM} Do you have any issue regarding Dell products.?

{ 3:57:22 PM} You broke my heart!
{ 3:57:26 PM} Yeah i guess
{ 3:57:32 PM} So lets say I have a dell jukebox
{ 3:57:41 PM} and I bring it to india
{ 3:57:45 PM} do i need a new charger for it

{TARUN_VAISH 3:57:54 PM} I am sorry for that.

{ 3:58:33 PM} how much does a dell jukebox cost?

{TARUN_VAISH 3:58:47 PM} Yes, you will require new charger .

{ 3:58:49 PM} if i hit it hard like the fonz on happy days does it start? or does it have an on button

{ 3:59:15 PM} how much music can i hold on one?
{ 3:59:36 PM} Can i record myself on there? I have a band, I call it Colonel Scott's lonely hearts club band
{ 4:00:08 PM} we play a lot of reggae, our big song is called "Jah Bless Mount Zion"
{ 4:00:19 PM} we may play india next year, we are getting big in the east

{TARUN_VAISH 4:00:47 PM} Dell DJ cannot record , you can just transfer music.

{ 4:00:50 PM} maybe i could play for dell employees? i think they deserve it, you guys are so helpful
{ 4:01:08 PM} Have you ever been to america?
{ 4:01:13 PM} Did you work for Dell over here first?

{TARUN_VAISH 4:01:45 PM} No, Colonel Scott. I never went to america.

{ 4:02:01 PM} you should come we have lots of dell products
{ 4:02:11 PM} do you own a dell computer?

{TARUN_VAISH 4:03:08 PM} No, Scott, but we work on it.

{ 4:03:22 PM} you own a hewlet packard computer dont you!!??
{ 4:03:27 PM} you sly dog you!
{ 4:03:54 PM} i wont tell anyone, your secret is safe with me

{TARUN_VAISH 4:04:14 PM} No, I did own hewlet packard computer either.

{ 4:04:19 PM} should i get a dell jukebox?>
{ 4:04:25 PM} or should i buy an ipod?
{ 4:05:35 PM} what should i have for dinner? chicken or a peanutbutter sandwich?

{TARUN_VAISH 4:06:43 PM} It depends on your work you can choose dell dj or I pod.

{ 4:06:56 PM} i thought it was dell jukebox
{ 4:07:00 PM} what is the difference
{ 4:07:47 PM} Have you ever been to a deli in new dehli?
{ 4:08:00 PM} have you ever been to the himilayas?

{TARUN_VAISH 4:08:56 PM} New Dell DJ Ditty is slim and trim at 1.29 oz, about the size of a pack of gum.
{TARUN_VAISH 4:09:15 PM} Excellent capacity: With song capacity up to 220 songs, New Dell DJ Ditty has 80% more song capacity than Apple iPod 512MB Shuffle.

{ 4:09:17 PM} wow!

{TARUN_VAISH 4:09:33 PM} Strong Battery life: Rechargeable battery with up to 14 hours of battery life.

{ 4:09:43 PM} 14 hours!

{TARUN_VAISH 4:09:44 PM} Integrated FM Tuner / Easy to read LCD screen: With integrated FM Radio, access to great local and national content.

{ 4:09:52 PM} My dream is to listen to music nonstop for 14 years
{ 4:09:58 PM} i think i could charge and listen at the same time
{ 4:10:03 PM} never stop listening
{ 4:10:12 PM} all reggae, the whole time
{ 4:10:16 PM} maybe i can make this happen

{TARUN_VAISH 4:10:18 PM} Flexibility - works with MULTIPLE music downloading services, Fill and refill your DJ with Musicmatch on Demand Portable or Napster to Go - access up to 1M tracks
MusicMatch 10.1 (Included), Supports Napster to Go and Windows Media Player 10

{ 4:10:21 PM} maybe I can do it with the dell dj!
{ 4:10:49 PM} What kind of toothpaste do you use? I like crest
{ 4:11:10 PM} do you have alphabits in india?
{ 4:11:21 PM} do you dream in color or black and white?
{ 4:11:40 PM} what kind of car do you drive? i hope it isnt a peugot
{ 4:11:54 PM} do you have huffy bikes? or do you have a schwinn. I bet you have a schwinn, you devil you!

{TARUN_VAISH 4:11:58 PM} Is there anything else I can assist you with?

{ 4:12:14 PM} you havent been answering my questions, i am trying to broaden my horizons
{ 4:12:21 PM} i want to learn more about the indian culture
{ 4:13:14 PM} do you have mr potato head in india?
{ 4:13:56 PM} he came with a bucket of fun i leanred that on an old commercial over here

{TARUN_VAISH 4:14:01 PM} It is nice to hear that you want to know about Indian culture.

{ 4:14:18 PM} Yeah, i hear Goa is great
{ 4:14:23 PM} i hear the beaches are beautiful there
{ 4:14:48 PM} have you ever been

{TARUN_VAISH 4:15:08 PM} Yes, there are good beaches in Goa.

{ 4:15:17 PM} Have you ever surfed there?

{TARUN_VAISH 4:15:17 PM} Is there anything else I can assist you with?
{TARUN_VAISH 4:15:29 PM} No.

{ 4:15:40 PM} Hmmmmm I guess you answered all of my questions

{TARUN_VAISH 4:16:13 PM} Thank you.
{TARUN_VAISH 4:16:25 PM} It was nice chatting with you.Good Bye and Have a Nice Day !
{ 4:16:54 PM} thank you, you too!

So what's my tip of the day? Most people in India call Soccer "football", but some still call it soccer. Bet you didn't know that. Unless you live in India.

Any questions, comments, concerns? Email me at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com. Cheers.

The Dell Customer Service Chats Volume 1

2010-09-13T07:22:00.005-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Back in 2005, I was a young law student. The world was my oyster. I could be anything. I was gonna make it big. Watch out world, here comes Scott. But you know what? It wasn't quite so simple. Various forces conspired against me. I conquered these trials and tribulations and made it out the other end OK, but it wasn't easy. What? Paranoid delusions? OK, OK. Maybe various forces weren't conspiring against me. But my Dell laptop computer was. It broke. Over and over and over again.

Do you know how long it takes to get tech support on the phone? I must have wasted days of my life waiting on hold. They didn't even play good music. If you're going to keep me on hold for over an hour then how about playing some good tunes? Pipe some good music in. Let me get my jam on. Nobody wants to listen to muzak. Ever. Not in a department store, not in an elevator and certainly not when they are on hold.

So I wait on the phone for about an hour and I get some tech support guy from India. He says his name is "Jason." Let's just say Jason's command of the English language left a little to be desired. I don't have time for this! Luckily, Dell had online technical support. If you can find another computer (that isn't broken) to chat about your computer that is broken, then you can contact Dell Chat Support online. The wait isn't as long and they don't pipe bad music in. After waiting on hold for quite some time I grew a little restless. I decided to get my computer fixed, but have some fun at the same time. As I mentioned before, my computer broke numerous times and this is a REAL transcript of my second conversation with Dell tech support from 2005. (My first conversation was not as funny, so I chose not to include it.) I hope you enjoy....

Welcome to Dell Chat. Please wait for an available agent. You will be notified when your chat is accepted by an agent.
The session has been accepted.

{Shabnam 3:10:47 PM} At the end of this interaction you may be offered the opportunity to provide me with feedback. In order to do so you will need to click the "End Chat" button rather than using the "X" at the top of the screen. You may rate this interaction on a scale of 1 to 9 (1 being worst and 9 being best). I appreciate your feedback.

{Shabnam 3:10:49 PM} Thank you for contacting Dell Consumer Care Chat. I am Shabnam. How may I assist you today?

{ 3:11:27 PM} hi Shabnam, how are you?
Here is my problem.
I have a harddrive you want back, it's faulty, very faulty....doesn't work, in america we would say it is "busted" I contacted dell........
{ 3:11:36 PM} they sent me a new one, they want the old harddrive back
{ 3:12:02 PM} i spoke to dahbalina something on tech support last time she said "Hey, i'll send you a UPS guy to pick up a box with that hard drive" I said "thanks, you're a doll sweety"
{ 3:12:32 PM} but the UPS man never came, he never picked up the box, Dell keeps sending me emails saying "gimme my harddrive back fool" i just dont know what to do, teh UPS man didn't come, what do you guys want from me!?
{ 3:13:24 PM} so basically, if you want my harddrive i need some labels to ship it, possibly a box if you can send one of those, a UPS man to pick it up

{Shabnam 3:13:39 PM} I apologize for any inconvenience or frustration this matter caused. We value you as our customer and your satisfaction is very important to Dell.

{ 3:14:16 PM} Oh thanks that's nice to hear, but it sounds like you say that to everyone, i am not really feeling valued right now
{ 3:14:44 PM} I am feeling frustrated, tired, achey, and just plain invalidated, not invalid, but definitely invalidated, maybe you can help me fix this problem i have
{ 3:14:54 PM} What do you say my man? Can you help me out?

{Shabnam 3:15:12 PM} No Scott, don't feel like that as I will do everything possible to help you today.

{ 3:15:41 PM} OH Shabnam, you are the best, you must be the best Dell technician I have talked to all day...possibly all week
{ 3:16:45 PM} so how should we fix this up? what do you suggest I do?

{Shabnam 3:17:05 PM} I will be glad to help you.
{Shabnam 3:17:08 PM} May I know your order number please?

{ 3:17:32 PM} i wasnt given an order number, at least i dont remember being given one
{ 3:17:41 PM} i have had so many problems i was given a lot of numbers
{ 3:17:58 PM} i already have a lot of numbers to remember, like my age, my height, my social security number, my house number, i forgot, you know

{Shabnam 3:18:15 PM} Don't worry Scott, I will check it.

{ 3:18:49 PM} Good, cause I was worried! Woooooohhhh boy, i thought we weren't gonna fix this problem, THANK GOD you are helping me Shabnam, you are so abled and technically capable
{ 3:20:15 PM} if i am slow to respond, i apologize, i am working out to jane fonda's 1982 betamax work out video, have you ever seen it, man what a workout

{Shabnam 3:21:06 PM} Thank you very much for your appreciation Scott.
{Shabnam 3:21:54 PM} Scott, I will go ahead and schedule a pick up with UPS to get the package picked up from your place. Can I get the pick up address?

{ 3:21:59 PM} any time, i am good at appreciating, my mom used to tell me "boy, you can barely read, and you only got 2 teeth, and you are fat as a hawg, but doggone it boy, you can appreciate like hell"

{ 3:22:04 PM} yes pick up address........
{ 3:22:16 PM} (CENSORED)
{ 3:22:59 PM} do you live nearby? do you know my neighborhood well?
{ 3:23:05 PM} can you stop by and pick up the package yourself?

{Shabnam 3:24:45 PM} Scott, I will process the request for you and UPS will pick up the package from your place. The pick up will be arranged for next business day. It can be anytime between 12pm and 5pm CST.

{ 3:25:07 PM} ok, if i am not home can i leave the package outside?

{Shabnam 3:25:10 PM} If there isn’t anyone at your address, you could leave the package outside with a note for the carrier.
UPS will make a maximum of 3 pick up attempts. You can take the product to any UPS Store as an alternative.

{ 3:25:25 PM} ok, so if this doesn't work and i go to a ups store, what do i say
{ 3:25:42 PM} they probably know who you are right
? i can say "Shabnam told me to give this to you"
{ 3:26:03 PM} i can prob just leave a note "I'm Shabnam's friend, send this over to dell" they will probably know what to do right?

{Shabnam 3:28:20 PM} Scott, you can give them an authorization number and they will do their duty.

{ 3:28:49 PM} OOOOHHHH I would love that, that is all James Bond like "DO YOUR DUTY, HERE IS THE AUTHORIZATION CODE"
{ 3:29:37 PM} so they pick it up tomorrow or i bring it to a ups man and give them the code
{ 3:29:42 PM} so what's the code?
{ 3:30:01 PM} can i make up a code like "Alpha delta bravo cookie monster" that would be hard to break i think
{ 3:31:30 PM} So do i pick the code or do you give it to me?

{Shabnam 3:31:42 PM} An authorization number is (CENSORED)

{ 3:32:03 PM} Well Shabnam, that isnt a very creative code, but I suppose it will do
{ 3:32:09 PM} IS that all I need?
{ 3:33:15 PM} do i need any other information

{Shabnam 3:34:10 PM} Yes Scott, this will do. Please stay online for 4-5 minutes while I process the request for you.

{ 3:34:46 PM} sure, so Shabnam, have you seen the new Batman movie...it was pretttyyyy exciting

{Shabnam 3:35:53 PM} No Scott, I have not.
{ 3:36:25 PM} where are you stationed?
{ 3:37:11 PM} I lived in Goa for 3 years, the beach there was nice, and they played suchhhh good trance music

{Shabnam 3:37:52 PM} Scott, I am from Chandigarh (U.T.), India.

{ 3:38:32 PM} OHHHH DO YOU know debalina
{ 3:38:51 PM} she helped me last time, she was pretty nice, but i mean as soon as business was over she was like gotta go, she didn't want to talk much
{ 3:39:07 PM} She totally stole my heart, i think about her a lot
{ 3:41:52 PM} are you still there Shabnam?
{ 3:42:09 PM} are you helping other people at the same time!!?? Are you cheating on me?

{Shabnam 3:43:15 PM} Scott, I am here and I am processing your request. I told you to stay online for 4-5 minutes.

{ 3:44:36 PM} I am sorry, I am impatient, I thought you left me for some other guy with a broken hard drive, it wouldn't be the first time

{Shabnam 3:45:22 PM} Thank you for staying online. We really appreciate your patience.

{ 3:45:34 PM} hey, it's the least i can do Shabnam
{ 3:45:48 PM} Do your friends call you Shabby? or Shabs? I am gonna call you "Shabmeister"
{ 3:45:57 PM} thats what we would call you in the usa "Shabmeister"

{Shabnam 3:46:34 PM} Scott, I have processed the request for you and the pick up will be arranged for next business day. It can be anytime between 12pm and 5pm CST. UPS will make a maximum of 3 pick up attempts. You can take the product to any UPS Store as an alternative.

{ 3:47:04 PM} that sounds great, awesome....incredible even, I am overjoyed, you have really helped me out a lot Shabmeister
{ 3:47:09 PM} You make me want to be a better person

{Shabnam 3:47:32 PM} Thank you very much.

{ 3:47:42 PM} so what are you up to after work
{ 3:47:50 PM} stoppin by the old watering hole? drinking some brews?
{ 3:47:56 PM} do you have heineken over there?

{Shabnam 3:49:41 PM} Is there anything else I can assist you with?
{Shabnam 3:49:41 PM} Scott, I am busy in doing studies and work.
{ 3:50:04 PM} Yeah you dell people are always so busy! Busy busy busy!
{ 3:50:24 PM} i suppose I will let you go then. I won't forget you Shabnam, you are my new best friend

{Shabnam 3:50:26 PM} Yes Scott, Is there anything else I can assist you with?
{Shabnam 3:50:34 PM} Thank you very much.

{ 3:50:50 PM} Anytime, you take it easy
{ 3:50:58 PM} Keep it real, keep it fresh
{ 3:51:17 PM} keep it clean, keep it mean
{ 3:51:26 PM} keep it small keep it tall
{ 3:51:41 PM} thats what we say in ny when we say goodbye
{ 3:51:48 PM} Goodbye!

{Shabnam 3:52:37 PM} Thank you very much Scott and goodbye.
{Shabnam 3:52:41 PM} How am I doing so far at resolving this issue to your satisfaction?

{ 3:53:17 PM} If Superman was from India I would think you are Superman
{ 3:53:23 PM} But i mean everyone knows he is from krypton
{ 3:53:44 PM} but you are almost like superman, the green lantern perhaps? YES! You are like the green lantern. YOu are awesome! Keep up the good work

{Shabnam 3:53:58 PM} Oh, thank you very much.

{ 3:54:26 PM} no problem, take it easy my friend, but not too easy....relatively easy

{Shabnam 3:54:31 PM} Thank you very much for your praise Scott.

{ 3:54:34 PM} So in conclusion, take it "relatively" easy
{ 3:54:43 PM} No problem, i don't think you guys get enough praise
{ 3:54:52 PM} You guys work so hard, and you get no appreciation
{ 3:55:01 PM} You deserve beers, and free tickets to cricket games
{ 3:55:12 PM} and possibly Lamborghinis....possibly

{Shabnam 3:55:30 PM} Thank you very much.
{Shabnam 3:55:44 PM} Thank you for visiting Dell Consumer Customer Care online chat and allowing me the opportunity to assist you. I have included your case # 110416672 to reference our interaction today. Please keep this on file; it will assist you when contacting Dell Inc in the future. Also, feel free to visit us again at www.support.dell.com .
{Shabnam 3:55:47 PM} Have a nice day.

{ 3:55:50 PM} fairwell Shameister, may your online adventures be numerous and prosperous

{Shabnam 3:56:24 PM} Thank you very much Scott, take care and may god bless you.

So what's my tip of the day? If you have to deal with tech support people, you might as well have a little fun.

Don't Be Creepy

2010-09-10T07:19:00.004-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: As you guys know, you are always welcome to email me at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com with any questions or concerns you might have. Everything from "Why does God Hate me?" (Because you're ugly) to "How do I get my head out from between these rails?" (Jaws of life). But you know what I don't want? Emails like this:

My beloved Dearest One,

I am more than happy coming across an interesting profile/email as yours, Let me start here by saying compliment of the day to you and I hope you are doing fine as I am over here? It will be of a great honor if you could respond to my message and I guess that will give me a good chance of introducing my very simple self to you and you as well introduce your self to me. It will be of a joy if we could simply take our time to learn about each other by starting to be good friends, share pictures, share ideas and dreams, talking about our personal life, secrets, sharing our happiness and sadness and more. To be open and honest to you it’s really interest me to be your friend through this communication as we see what it will be in the near future. If you really do not mind I will like to ask you for a favor and I guess you will be asking what favor by now right? Please kindly take your time to write me back through my personal email address AT: doctoreTomY2K@yahoo.com for easy and better communication. I have a lot to share with you, so I can go ahead to write on and on but I have to stop here at the moment waiting to hear from you as a sign that you are willing to be my friend too. For now have a blessed day with many kisses and hugs bye for now.

Yours Sincerely Friend To Be.

DR. TOM FRANKY CLEM

I am pretty sure this is spam, but not 100% positive so I think it makes sense to address this and clear the air. I really don't know what to make of this Dr. Tom Clem. You are awfully friendly for a stranger. It kind of sounds like you just popped six pills of ecstasy and decided to go surfing on the internet. Since I don't know you, I am not related to you and I am fairly certain I am heterosexual, I am going to politely decline the kisses and hugs you offered me. I wish I could say I appreciate the gesture, but honestly you kind of gave me the heebie jeebies.

So readers, I would love to hear from you. but please. PLEASE. Don't be creepy.

******UPDATE*****************************

I decided to write back to Dr. Tom

Dr. Tom,

If you want to be my friend you must answer the following questions:

1)What are you a doctor of?

2)Have you ever eaten frickles? Those are fried pickles. If not you must eat one before you email me back and tell me what you think. If you have already have eaten them, I don't care. Make some Goddamn frickles and eat them and tell me what you think of them anyway. I want a picture of you making the frickles and another picture of you putting them in your mouth.

3)A train leaves San Diego, CA at 9:34AM traveling 19 miles an hour. Another train leaves on the same day from new York City at 5:39 AM. Please keep in mind CA is on Western Time which is 3 hours behind NY. Now, if both trains are heading toward each other, how long will it take before they crash head on? Please look at the railroad map, as they can't take the most direct route, which would be a straight line. They must travel on already existing train tracks.

Dr. Tom. Answer me these questions correctly and we can be friends. Please don't forget to show you work on question number 3.

-Scott

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 9

2010-09-08T07:41:00.008-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Sometimes I confuse celebrities. I blogged about it awhile ago because I seemed to have a big problem differentiating Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes. I received a letter late last night from someone with a similar problem....

Scott,
tell me these men don't resemble each other... i dare you. and if i spun you around and maybe gave you a few drinks i challenge you to determine which is christopher walken and which is jon voight. or maybe i'm just celebrity dyslexic

- celebrylexic.

Hi Celebrylexic. Celebrylexic. That kind of sounds like one of those expensive shakes you buy on TV at 3am in the morning when all of the normal programming's off the air. "Celebrylexic! What a great meal replacement! Has all of the vitamins and calories to sustain you all day!"

Celebrylexic was kind enough to provide me with some picture comparisons. Let's look below....

Well, you definitely did your research. When I read your original email I didn't really think you had a case. But now I do. I don't think they look so much alike, but they obviously gesticulate in a similar manner to each other. They both have scary teeth, they both like guns and they both shield their face with their hands. I could see how you would get them confused. So where does my tip of the day come in? Well, based on these pictures both men look a little violent, cunning and unpredictable. I would say if you run into either on the street, think twice before approaching them....and if you do approach one, make sure you have his name correct. Furthermore, if you run into John Voight and you have some floss, politely offer him some as he could really use it.

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 8

2010-09-07T11:24:00.004-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: First, I would like to thank Blogs of Note for featuring me on their page. It's an honor.

Next up is an email from a fellow blogger...

Scott

My question is, how did you get 54 followers with such an inane blog?I mean buying old pepsi? Even I know that has got to bring on a near death experience. And you paid for it? I wil be glad to send you a 3 month old potatoe for you to video as you eat it. Please send your mailing address. Admit it, Are they your friends?
My probem is that I write better stuff than you and with humor and no one will admit to reading me and following me. Even my so called friends. You even write sporadically and I am dedicating myslef to write almost everyday. Do you think its over exposure? Have you exposed yourself to pick up followers? That I would like to see, and probably other followers of yours too.
What do you think?
doreenmccabe.blogspot.com

Doreen,

First off, at 11:25AM today (EST) I have 97 blog followers. I don't know where you learned to count but 97 does not equal 54.

Second, potato is not spelled with an e. Remember Dan Quayle? He said a lot of stupid things but the stupidest thing he ever did was tell a kid to spell Potato with an "e". Don't be like Dan Quayle, Doreen. Don't be like Dan Quayle.

Third, I may be beating a dead horse here but you have other numerous spelling errors in your email. I checked out your blog and there are multiple spelling errors there as well. Were you drunk when you wrote to me? Do you get sauced up before you write your blog entries? Do you like alcohol? Let's look at your picture on your blog:

What's that in your hand? A black Russian? Did you spike your chocolate milk?

I'll consider giving you my address if you send me old alcohol. Like maybe a 20-year-old wine or a 12-year-old Scotch. I don't really have any interest in eating old potatoes though. (Yeah, Potato plural is spelled with an 'e'). Maybe nobody admits to reading or following you because you can't spell? Maybe it's because your tone is jealous and bitter.

Fourth, I admire your ambition to become a blogger extraordinaire. Writing every day is a good way to improve your writing skills. Practice, practice, practice. In your case I may recommend writing more than once a day. Perhaps once an hour? You need all the help you can get.

Fifth, just because you find yourself funny doesn't mean other people do. I mean come on. You are a little late to the party with your Sarah Palin blog entry. And then another one on baking cookies? Where's the humor in that? If all you are out to do is get people to read your blog then just post pictures of kittens.

Sixth, I never had to expose myself to attract new blog readers. If you are desperate for new readers you could try exposing yourself. You write a humor blog and I think people would find your naked body pretty funny.

Seventh, you know how I started picking up readers on my blog? When I began writing about two years ago, I sought out people with similar blogs to me. People who had funny stuff to say. People who were clever. I wrote to them and asked them for advice on starting a successful blog. I traded blog links with some of them. I keep in touch with a lot of these people today. We write PLEASANT (ERHEM) emails back and forth. Making connections is a great way to be successful, both in blogging and in life. Sending obnoxious emails to strangers is not.

If any of my reading audience has any questions I would be happy to field them. You can ask me anything. Please email me your questions to scottstipoftheday@gmail.com. You don't have to be polite, but then again, as evidenced above, neither do I. :-)

Don't Drink NYC Tap Water If You're Kosher

2010-09-03T11:01:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: When you drink NYC tap water, you're drinking tiny shrimp, so if you keep kosher, it's probably a good idea to stick to bottles of water.

Scott Drinks 17-year-old Crystal Clear Diet Pepsi

2010-08-27T17:38:00.001-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Drinking 17-year-old bottles of diet crystal clear pepsi is not the best idea in the world. Please see youtube clip above for video evidence.

Quitting Your Job In Style

2010-08-11T07:58:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you're going to quit your job, you might as well go out with a bang.

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 7

2010-07-28T08:09:00.005-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: From time to time I get feedback from my readers. I like feedback. I like questions. Email me anytime (scottstipoftheday@gmail.com) I received the following email today:

Hey, Scott! I'm e-mailing you from an anonymous account to ask you a simple question/express a simple statement. I hate my job. I hate my bosses. They are stupid and have no idea how to run a business. They are as stupid as they are fat and ugly. This is the short of it. Now for my question: What would be the best way to drug my boss? I know of these Calm's Forte pills, and if I crush them up, and slip them into a beverage, it could work, right? Just wanted to put it by you, because it is something I think about a lot. And also, I'd have to marry my boyfriend if I carried it out so he wont have to testify against me. Short of arson, this is all I got.

Lots of love,
Not Above Drugging my Boss in Bosie Idaho.

Not Above Drugging her Boss in Boise Idaho,

Wow. OK. Deep breath. By day, I am an attorney. That's my real job. That's how I make my moolah. As an attorney, I can't in good conscious advise you to drug your boss. Are you trying to get me arrested? Are YOU trying to get arrested?

Everyone has a few issues with the people they work with. Poison is not the answer. How about a prank? Why don't you call one of those strip-o-gram services and have them show up to do a strip tease for your boss. At work. That would be inappropriate. That would probably make him look pretty bad too. Unless you work as a phone sex operator, that will pretty much screw up his day.

Alternatively, you could ship him multiple mail order brides. Arrange for them to be transported C.O.D. to your office. All at the same time. That would be a debacle. There is no way he is sorting that out amicably.

So in conclusion, there is no need for poison. But you can embarrass your boss so badly he wishes you did poison him. That's even better.

Fixing The Economy The Pakistani Way

2010-07-20T08:36:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Only 1.5% of the Pakistani population pay taxes. What was the government's solution to this problem? In one rich neighborhood, the government hired transgender tax collectors to embarrass residents into paying their taxes.

What a great idea! If anyone has a transgender Pakistani for hire, who is fluent in English, please email me at Scottstipoftheday@gmail.com and let me know how much you are asking for their services. Thanks.

Diet Crystal Clear Pepsi

2010-07-13T14:37:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Yes. The reports on EverybodyLovesCox are true. I purchased a sealed bottle of 1993 Diet Crystal Clear Pepsi yesterday. I bought it on ebay for $25 after some shrewd negotiating. My esteemed colleague, Jordan has accepted my challenge to drink this extremely expired beverage. It will be video recorded and posted on this blog. Will he hurl? Will it be delicious? Will it be flat and nasty? You will know by September 1st. The countdown begins....

Russia-USA Spy Swap

2010-07-07T14:34:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Did you hear about the US-Russia spy swap? Imprisoned Russian Scientist, Igor V. Sutyagin, is being traded for two American spies, Dan Akroyd and Chevy Chase, who have reportedly lost their usefulness.

Carlos Zambrano

2010-06-30T08:17:00.001-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Epic freak-outs will not endear you to your teammates.

What????

2010-06-24T16:01:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Read this Article What advice could I give related to this? Uh. I don't know. Don't start fights with drunk people in costumes in Irish pubs?

The Mysterious Dr. Ramsey

2010-06-19T14:35:00.005-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Only a fool would pass up a internet contest where you have to write six sentences and the reward is $50! YES! $50! That's why I entered "The Mysterious Dr. Ramsey Contest" Write six sentences about the mysterious Dr. Ramsey? Ok. Easy.

Dr. Ramsey summoned all of her strength, took a deep breath and lifted the manhole cover from its resting place.
As she pulled herself out of the bowels of the city, the world went dark and she collapsed on the street.
Sometime later, Dr. Ramsey opened her eyes and she saw a man standing attentively over her.
"I'm Doctor Nickalabopolous, Dr. Ramsey, and it appears you have suffered a major trauma.
What were you doing in the sewer?"
"I was raped by a teenage mutant ninja turtle....and now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna get me some revenge."

I'll let you know if I win.

Facebook Beta Testing

2010-06-16T07:59:00.004-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Facebook is initiating a beta tester program to test new facebook features. In order to qualify, you have to fill out this application. Basically you have to come up with three original questions and then answer them. You are judged on your questions and answers.

I recently submitted my application. Here are the questions and answers

QUESTION 1: Why does my stepfather hate me?

The seething hatred my stepfather directs toward me can be attributed to a variety of factors. First, he is sterile and unable to produce children from his own seed. This has caused him great emotional pain, which he then takes out on me, his unnatural son. Second, he always wanted a son that would grow up and play college ball for Alabama. I was a very talented high school football player. I once set a record and scored four touchdowns in one game for Polk High. I was awarded scholarships everywhere, even Alabama. My stepfather was so close to his dream....so close, yet so far. I was mad at him for forgetting to put the milk away the night before. The milk spoiled and I had nothing to eat for breakfast. What was I going to do, eat Cheerios without milk? As if! To avenge my breakfast, I decided to skip college all together and work in beauty salon in San Fransisco. Did I mention my stepfather was homophobic? Yeah, he wasn't too happy about that. In retrospect throwing my future down the drain over some spoiled milk was probably a reckless decision, but that is neither here nor there. My stepfather hates me. Are you happy now?

QUESTION 2: How does my stepfather handle stress?

My stepfather handles stress in what I imagine to be a normal and healthy fashion....relentlessly barraging my body with a ball-peen hammer while I'm sleeping. He has also adopted other 'modern' stress relief techniques, such as kicking the dog, drinking isopropyl alcohol, punching the neighbor's horse, crying for hours on end, swallowing small pieces of plastic toys that are only designed for children three-years-old and up, purchasing baby Tylenol, tampering with the bottle and returning it, blaming the Jews, watching deviant pornography VHS tapes from the late 70's/early 80's, dressing in women's clothing and screaming at Nana on the phone.

QUESTION 3: How retarded would you have to be not to accept this application?

Really, really retarded. You get a shitton of applications. I get that. Nerdo dweebos from all over the world are writing to you in various languages, begging you to be a beta tester. POR FAVOR! S'IL VOUS PLAIT! CLICK CLICK POP POP CLICK CLICK! It can be a bit overwhelming, I know. What you have to ask yourself is do you want Goof McGeekenstein writing up reviews of your beta products or some 20-something dude with a sense of humor (me). Me, obviously! Don't you deal with enough nerds at facebook? Wouldn't you like to talk to someone who goes outside once in awhile? Someone who has been on a boat? Someone who brushes their teeth and works in a normal office, without beanbag chairs and water gun fights? You do. Oh, yes you do! You know it and I know it. So get it done.

I'll let you know if I receive any sort of response on this.

On June 24th, Gregory Lefford Will Be Vindicated

2010-06-14T14:00:00.004-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Sometimes there are people in the world who will stop at nothing to bring you down. What? Paranoid delusions? No. These aren't delusions. These are straight from the mouth of a crazy homeless man on the 6 train in NYC. My friend Ryan recorded this on his iPhone. You can listen to the audio here:

http://www47.zippyshare.com/v/40963712/file.html

For your convenience I transcribed the monologue as well. Ryan captured about half of this gentleman's diatribe but I think you will be able to pick up midway through this conversation without missing anything important....

Because I didn’t do nothing.
And on June 24th it will be proven that I did not do anything.
I not lookin' and I didn’t say nobody did nothing to me.
That’s why I can walk the trains. Because I know nobody did nothing to me.
But there are those who supersede y’all that is trying to frame me and I have to fight.
I’m embarrassed to do this. I’m embarrassed. I’m embarrassed.
I’m not here like this is a joke.
I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed.
And right now. I’m going to a shelter.
You know my baby mama told me this morning?

She said that I’ve been coming there to the crib tryin' to break in. Not she said it. She said that the neighbors told her that I been coming over there trying to break in the crib and I’ve been in a homeless shelter the last two weeks.
Now you see what I’m dealing with?
Now you see the things I have to go to on a day to day basis?

Someone is trying to create fear. And I haven’t been up to the Bronx until today.
But they’re tellin-- But she tells me on the phone that someone’s been trying to break into the apartment... they got you on camera.
I said they aint got me on camera. Because I got witnesses on where I was the last two weeks.

Now do you see the illusion and the things that they are doing? Now this is why I tell all the sisters – be patient because this shit is going to get straightened out and y’all gonna know for sure.
Be patient to the women. You gonna know.
But I have no choice but to fight the way that I’m fighting.
I have no choice because I’m fighting in the blind.
And she’s telling me that I’ve been up there in the Bronx, and I’m in a homeless shelter struggling to keep my sanity and stay focused.

Every day I gotta ride the train or wherever I go knowing that someone is potentially gonna say he did it. And I’m saying to myself here I go. Everywhere I go I gotta make sure that I’m followed or keep my transfer in my bus or make sure that the security cameras see me. Because there are those who will stop at nothing to set me up. And you want me to tell you how I know this? Because I’ve been going through this for five years.

And so now I just told you a real story that just happened a few hours ago.
My son hasn’t been in school. You know why? Because my baby mama is under the impression that I’ve been stalkin’ for two weeks and I’m in the homeless shelter.
So whoever been doing these things is creating fear. Creating dissension. And I’ve gotta fight to maintain what I know. So believe me, I am embarrassed to be on this train telling you these things.
I’m embarrassed but I have no choice.
Someone gotta listen. I don’t want your sympathy nor your empathy. Just understand what I’m going through.

And wait, You gonna find out the truth. And when you find out the truth, you’ll just know. That that’s a true story there.
I just went to the Bronx this morning – true story—I just come back from Brooklyn, getting this and my own mother got an order of protection against me. And all her life she took care of me, gave me birth, I just come home from prison, she make sure I don’t need nothing, and yet I come back I get two and half years. I I’m a piece of garbage? What did I do? Don’t you understand what I’m dealing with?

Because there are those who are putting pressure and been lying to the masses about things I did not do or are responsible for. My name is Gregory Lefford. Sorry for interrupting you. Sorry for taking up your time. I don’t look for no sympathy or no pity but on June 24th I will be vindicated of anything that you may believe about me. Have a pleasant day and thank you for your time and sister once again, I apologize if you looked at it as a connection, because it wasn’t meant that way. Have a nice day you know what I’m talking about.

So sometimes people come after you for no reason and will stop at nothing until your life is in shambles. I just hope for Gregory's sake that these people don't work at the courthouse.

Flying Beats Rowing/Sailing

2010-06-11T07:50:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: A 16-year-old girl sailing across the ocean is in trouble. This is awful. You might have read a previous post about another girl rowing across the Atlantic ocean for charity. She was successful and I congratulate her, but was it really worth the risk? This isn't 1860. No one is immigrating to America here. These people obviously have enough money to fly coach on a decent airline. Maybe a cruise ship?
If you're considering rowing or sailing across the ocean solo shoot me an email at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com. I'll talk you out of it.

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 6

2010-06-02T09:46:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Scott's Tip Of The Day: : From time to time I get feedback from my readers. I like feedback. I like questions. Email me anytime (scottstipoftheday@gmail.com) I received the following email today:

Dear Scott,
I sort of have this embarrassing problem. I'm moving in with my boyfriend in a few months. We've been dating for a little over four and a half years, and all through college, he'd sporadically stay in my apartment on the weekends.

So, my problem is, I get a little handsy at night. Apparently, I like to, um, play with his dangle in my sleep. Which for him, isn't really a problem, except for the fact he wakes up all woody and his girlfriend is asleep. I don't think he minds, except for the sleeping girlfriend part. I've told him to just move my hand, but I guess I'm worse than a drunk frat boy on a bad date, just can't seem to ignore a no! He doesn't mind, but I feel bad. Any suggestions for keeping my hands to myself and preventing a blue balled fiancee?
You're a guy, and probably a ladies' man, so I'm sure you can hook me up.
All the best,
Annie

Annie,

Two words: Oven mitts.

Smoking....It's Not Just For Adults Anymore!

2010-05-27T13:32:00.002-04:00

EMBED-Ardi Rizal - The real SMOKING BABY !! - Watch more free videos

Scott's Tip Of The Day: You are never too young to learn to smoke.

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 5

2010-05-25T08:14:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Scott's Tip Of The Day: : From time to time I get feedback from my readers. I like feedback. I like questions. Email me anytime (scottstipoftheday@gmail.com) I received the following email today:

Scott, I just moved into a new apartment. Any recommendations on things I can use to decorate my place?

-Zach

Hi Zach,

Thanks for writing in. A lot of people like to decorate their apartment with plants, or posters or lame chachkis. Do you want to be like everyone else? What? You do? No you don't. Zach.....trust me on this. You want to stand out. You want to impress the ladies. What better way to impress the ladies than to commission an artist to paint you.... as a minotaur. How money would that be? You meet a lady at a bar. You bring her home for a drink. You open up your door. BAM!!! Giant oil painting of Zach as a minotaur. If that doesn't turn a lady on, I don't know what will. It might be expensive but it will be worth every penny. If you take a picture of the painting and send it in, I would be happy to post it on my blog as well. Good luck to you Zach!

Rojo Johnson

2010-05-13T15:29:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Watch out for Rojo Johnson. He's a Venezuelan sensation storming American Minor League Baseball.

Don't Argue With Your Boss

2010-05-12T08:03:00.002-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: When your boss inappropriately gives you lewd notes and sex toys, just say thank you and don't complain. Otherwise you might get fired.

Always Use Protection

2010-05-10T16:10:00.003-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Always use protection. Especially at movies in 3D.

Elana Kagan is David Mitchell

2010-05-10T10:17:00.004-04:00

Scott's Tip Of The Day: As many of you know, Elana Kagan is set to be announced as Obama's new Supreme Court Justice nominee. What most of you probably don't know is she is actually David Mitchell, star of the popular English television program, Peep Show. See the above picture comparison.

On Peep Show, Mitchell plays a character named Mark Corrigan. Corrigan....Kagan....Corrigan....Kagan. They're clearly the same person. I mean, no woman could look that much like a man, anyway, right?

Obvi.

You heard it here first, people. Elana Kagan is David Mitchell.