Greyhound

Scott's Tip Of The Day: By now you have probably heard about Alec Baldwin's latest freak out. That guy sure loves his Words With Friends.

While I don't agree with his behavior I agree with his sentiments that the flying experience is becoming more and more like traveling on a Greyhound Bus. Greyhound found this repugnant and responded to Alec Baldwin's comments.

I felt Greyhound's comments to be a little disingenuous when they said “I don’t know if he’s ever been on one of our buses (it doesn’t sound like it), but there are about 17.6 million people who travel with us every year who I’m sure wouldn’t share [his] feelings.”

So what did I do? The only thing I could do. I wrote to Greyhound.


Dear Greyhound,

I recently read about the Alec Baldwin Words With Friends debacle. One of his comments compared American Airlines to the "Greyhound Bus Experience."

One of your publicists responded:

“I don’t know if he’s ever been on one of our buses (it doesn’t sound like it), but there are about 17.6 million people who travel with us every year who I’m sure wouldn’t share [his] feelings.”
First, I would like to say I am an upstanding citizen. I have never been arrested. I am a successful attorney, I am highly educated and I adhere to social norms. I have travelled on Greyhound on many occasions and I think I can accurately articulate how America feels about Greyhound....

The 17.6 million people who travel on Greyhound do not enjoy this experience. Your publicist has either been misinformed or he is lying. As Dave Attell once said "You've been to a bus station, it's kinda scary. People walkin' around dirty, wearin' rags, babblin', shakin', droolin'. That's why no one ever blows up a bus station. They get down there, they look around, they're like 'Damn! Someone's already done this bitch, let's get outta here!"

I know you work in a corporate office and you probably don't often venture into Greyhound bus stations, but I can confirm that this is an accurate description. There are homeless men. It smells like pee. You can't use the bathroom unless the man behind the counter buzzes you in. When you get on the bus things don't get any better. If you are in the northeast you might get lucky and find yourself on a bus with mostly college students. If you aren't lucky you end up on a bus with a lot of low class winos taking their welfare check to cash in at Foxwoods Casino. No, I am not exaggerating. I have seen these people. They don't shower, they wear very old clothes and they smell of alcohol in addition to body odor. They stare at me and say things I don't understand. (I don't understand what they are saying because they are not only drunk but they are missing a lot of their teeth too.)

People travel on Greyhound for a variety of reasons. The main reason is it is cheap. Your customers need to go somewhere but they can't afford to buy a plane or train ticket. The second reason people travel on Greyhound is because all train routes on the available route have already sold out. There is a romanticism about driving cross country. Not on a bus. Not unless motion sickness is a romantic notion.

Nobody likes Greyhound but it's a necessary evil. But let's call a spade a spade. Don't insult my intelligence and tell me your travel experience is great. When people are afraid to fall asleep on your buses, that means it's not fun.

I hope you appreciate my input and consider some of the things I have said. But, I am realistic. I doubt you will. But please do me a favor. The next time you take a ride on a Greyhound, sit next to the smelly wino. Take a nap. Then email me back a full report of what happened. I just hope your butt doesn't hurt too bad.

Sincerely,

Scott


I will let you all know if they decide to respond. Stay tuned.

And The Winner of Scott's Tip Of The Day Schmuck Of The Year Award Goes To......

Scott's Tip Of The Day: It's time for the first annual Scott's Tip Of The Day Schmuck Of The Year Award (STODSOTYA). STODSOTYA! It sounds Russian, right? Well kind of appropriate because our STODSOTYA winner sealed her award up when she traveled to Chechnya. Who Could it be?



Why none other than Hilary Swank!

Yeah, she only spells her name with one L. She didn't graduate highschool. Spelling wasn't her best subject. Apparently, social studies wasn't either. Hilary Swank recently accepted $1.5 Million to appear at Chechnyan President, Ramzan Kadyrov's, birthday.
Oh sounds like fun, right? No! Not at all! Have you read about this dude? His military units allegedly routiely engage in torture,rape and genocide. He is allegedly responsible for the murders of many reporters. He is also allegedly a big fan of honor killing. What's honor killing? When your wife leaves the house with short sleeves and you kill her because she has embarrassed you and brought shame to your family. "HOW DARE YOU WEAR SHORT SLEEVES, WIFE!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!"

So Hilary, way to go. You accepted $1.5 million to appear at Ramzan's birthday and kiss his ass. Clearly your handlers and you did no research on the man. You fired your manager and your PR team dumped you. You are just as bad as Beyonce, Usher and Mariah Carey. What did they do? They partied with Gadhafi's son at his 2010-2011 New Years Party.

Some people will do anything for money. Hilary Swank, you're an imbecile. You set a bad example for kids and you kind of look like an ape too.

Check it out:



She's totally an ape.

Well, congratulations Hil. You are the winner of STODSOTYA 2011!

Steve Jobs

There aren't too many people who have changed the world like Steve Jobs. Personal computers, Ipods, Ipads, Itunes, apps, graphical user interfaces, mice. You can thank Steve Jobs for all of that. Well, you can thank Xerox for the mouse, but Steve Jobs stole it. That was pretty bad-ass so he still gets a kudos.

Although I've poked fun at him in the past, the truth is I had an enormous amount of respect for him and I'm really sad to see him go. How often does a person touch millions of peoples' lives like he did? Not often. He went before his time and my heart goes out to his wife and kids.

Steve Jobs once said "live everyday like it's your last." I'm sure someone else said that before him, but Jobs definitely subscribed to that philosophy. I'm glad he did because no one deserves to die at 56. I hope wherever you are, Steve, it's cooler than what I saw in All Dogs Go To Heaven. Because no one deserves that. I hope you've gone to a place where all of the computers are Apple and Microsoft doesn't exist. A place where your Apple extended warranty lasts forever. I hope every store carries a black turtleneck, New Balance sneakers and a pair of blue jeans.


Steve Jobs, you will be missed, but certainly not forgotten. See you on the other side.
Namaste.

Scott's Tip Of The Day Declares War on The American Family Association

Scott's Tip Of The Day: There are three things I hate more than anything: Cauliflower, people who drive slow in the passing lane and the American Family Association.

Cauliflower makes me gag. People who drive slow in the passing lane add time to my commute. The American Family Association? That requires a little elaboration....

Lets take the most recent example. Ben & Jerry's recently released a new flavor called "Schweddy Balls." Funny, right? Even if you don't think it's funny, who cares? Transexuals are dancing with the stars on TV. Gay people are allowed to ask and tell. A black dude is president. We're living in a modern world. The American Family Association, however, is demanding Schweddy Balls be removed from the market.


Really American Family Association? Really? You people don't have anything better to do? You already complain about radio programs, television programs, porno....now you are complaining about ice cream?

Guess what? If you don't like television shows with foul language or nudity then don't watch them. If you don't like Schweddy Balls, then eat some vegetables instead. If you spent as much time watching your kid as you did complaining about ice cream, then maybe he wouldn't be exposed to these "awful" things.

And what makes these things so awful anyway? As Mark Twain once said "Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them." The word "Fuck" wasn't so bad until people stigmatized it. And nudity? There's nothing wrong with the human body. It's a beautiful thing. Well generally. I mean a lady with hammer toes isn't beautiful. Neither is a man with a crooked penis. But generally, yeah, it's a beautiful thing. All you are doing is programming your children to feel shame over natural things.

If you want to raise your kid like that then be my guest. You're a parent. Do some parenting. Watch your kids. Forbid them from watching "naughty" programs. Supervise them. Over-supervise them. Teach your kids that dinosaurs and people lived at the same time. Fuck your kid up. Make him self-conscious. Make him feel like shit for thinking normal thoughts and feeling normal things. But don't create a world where my kid feels shameful for behaving like that. We live in a free country. Don't tread on me. Don't censor me. Don't create decency standards for my children. I can take care of raising them myself. And don't you dare try to take those Schweddy Balls away from me.. I love putting those schweddy fucking balls in my mouth.

I hope everyone in the American Family Association gets arthritis from writing those stupid letters to Ben & Jerry's. I have never declared war on anyone or any organization but I am declaring war on the American Family Association. If you have any free time I fully encourage you to call them and tell them they are idiots. Write them hate mail. Send them scathing letters. Feel free to record your conversations or copy me (scottstipoftheday@gmail.com) on those emails and I will publish your responses if I like them. If anyone in the American Family Association thinks they are justified in their actions and would like to discuss them I'd be happy to have a dialogue with you. I'll let you present your case. But you're going to have to answer my questions afterwards. Are you sure your beliefs will hold up to scrutiny?

Coco Puffs

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Consumption of Coco Puffs can lead to unusual behavior.

WFAN/Joe & Evan In The Morning

Scott's Tip Of The Day:

I switched to sattelite radio this week. I just couldn't handle another day commuting and listening to terrestrial radio. What really pushed me over the edge is NYC's one and only 660AM WFAN. What was my problem, exactly? You can read it below, in my letter to the station:

Dear Eric,

How are you? I saw you were the person who sorts through the complaints and comments at WFAN so I thought I would shoot you an email.

I bet you get a lot of crazy emails. People from LI and Jersey complaining "Yo, Mike Francesa hung up on me! Maron! What gives!? I want that dude fired, yo!" I know the type. I went to law school in Long Island. I empathize with you. Most of them are inarticulate. They wear too much man jewelry and use inordinate amounts of hair gel. They prob make you want to throw your computer against the wall. I can assure you I am not one of these people. I am educated, cultured and generally I try to conform with traditional social norms. I am a serious man with a serious gripe.

I listened to WFAN for 3+ years on my commute to work. Yeah, that's past tense. I don't listen anymore. I reached my breaking point the other day and I purchased satellite radio. I will never listen to WFAN again.

It's not the commercials that bother me. Well the 1-877 Cars for Kids commercial bothers me. It kind of makes me want to commit Seppuku. But let's forget about that for a moment. Generally, your commercials don't bother me. It's not your station format either. I take no issue with most of your programming. Although Mike Francesa is irritable, dismissive and a compulsive gambler (this is a plausible assumption based on how much time he spends at the track), he knows his sports. Although Boomer & Carton provide a substandard listening experience, I realize I am not the intended audience (white male, Age 18-70, alcoholic, possibly insomniac, less than average IQ, misogynist, inability to relate to others, slightly out of touch with reality, lives at home with parents). It's Joe & Evan that really push me over the edge. Let me explain why:

Joe cannot go three seconds without saying "Bro." I looked in the Merck manual to see if this was some kind of disability. Tourette syndrome? Autism? Michael Sorrentino disease? It turns out he just has a very poor vocabulary. By my estimation it sits around a paltry 200-300 words. Evan's vocabulary is a little more advanced, but he still struggles with multi-syllable words (its Vuvuzela not Vuzuvela). Did you know he didn't even go to college? Perhaps he needs to brush up on his English. Does WFAN provide a tutor for its show hosts? Perhaps that would be a good investment.

Furthermore, the producer of the show has a great deal of difficulty filtering out the semi-intelligent callers from grumpy old men, idiots proposing totally unrealistic trades and yesman fanboy famewhores who agree with anything any on-air personality says if it means getting their voice on the radio. People don't want to hear what it will take for the Mets to land Justin Verlander. It's never going to happen. Never ever ever ever. Never.

Additionally, Joe & Evan spend an inordinate amount of time discussing the Nets and Islanders, when only about 8 people in the tri-state area care about these teams. Joe & Evan like the Mets too. I understand this character flaw, since a lot of New Yorkers like the Mets, but how about some unbiased discussion about the Yankees once in awhile? Some discussion without backhanded jabs or veiled jealousy?

In conclusion, I just feel dumber after listening to your station. Especially after listening to Joe & Evan. What's Evan? Twenty six years old? How can he even be expected to speak intelligently about any sports event pre-1990? He can't. That's why he shouldn't be on NYC radio.

Please reconsider your late morning/early afternoon programming choice. I realize this is a big decision. Here are some suggestions for programs that would be more intellectually stimulating than Joe & Evan in the morning:

-Three hours of nothing but the sound of balloons popping
-An embittered Vietnam war veteran discussing the incurable diseases he caught in a whorehouse five clicks south of Da Nang
-A lost child crying for his mother
-idle chitchat between two men with heavy accents, waiting for a bus to Brighton Beach at the Port Authority
-An African Grey Parrot reciting the alphabet

Don't worry. I am not asking for any compensation for these ideas. Just trying to help. I hope you take them into consideration. Have a great weekend.

-Scott


So what's my tip of the day? Buy yourself a satellite radio! Terrestrial radio blows. Especially 660AM WFAN.

Abercrombie

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Well it turns out that Abercrombie & Fitch are paying Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino to not wear their clothes. You can read about it here. Abercrombie does not want Mike ruining their image. I thought this might be a good opportunity for me to capitalize on this information. Today I wrote a letter to Abercrombie:

Dear A&F,

I recently read in the Chicago Tribune (http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/breaking/chi-abercrombie-to-pay-jersey-shore-cast-to-stop-wearing-its-clothes-20110817,0,3357772.story) about how your company is paying Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino to NOT wear Abercrombie & Fitch clothing. You're worried his association with your clothing line may damage your image. While I find this hard to believe, especially since your quarterly catalog is racier than an issue of Playboy, I think I understand where you're coming from.

I am a celebrity too. I am the writer of Scott's Tip Of The Day, which has won numerous awards including Blogger's "Blog of Note" award. You can check it out at http://scottstipoftheday.blogspot.com. I command a great deal of influence over your target demographic. Little kids trust me. Teenagers think I'm bomb. Baby boomers think I'm witty. (The elderly are generally unaware of what's happening, on the internet or otherwise, so let's forget about them for now.) I also wear Abercrombie & Fitch all the time.

I would argue that I am an even more reprehensible character than Mike Sorrentino. I borrow money from my friends and never pay them back. I commit to plans and flake at the last minute. I take more toilet paper than necessary when using public restrooms. I never tip. I give tourists wrong directions. I drive slow in the passing lane. I cut you in line even though I have no idea what you are standing in line for. I go into McDonalds without purchasing any items. I just take all of their ketchup and mustard. Then I throw it all away in the dumpster behind the restaurant.

I don't cover my mouth when I yawn, I certainly don't cover it when I cough and covering my nose when I sneeze is a concept completely foreign to me. I eat massive quantities of beans and then go to funerals, just to break wind. I contract contagious diseases and walk through public places. I steal my cable from my neighbor and purchase Pay Per View shows regularly. I call into public access television shows only to insult the host.

Sometimes I lay for days in the Chuck E Cheese's ball pit...waiting...waiting to scare the living daylights out of the most emotionally fragile child I can find. I work out at the gym, but I never wipe the equipment down afterwards. I drive through Amish country handing Nintendo Gameboys to all of the children. I break into Hassidic Jews' houses at night and shave their beards. I fly down to the rain forrest once a year, just to chop it down. I take any opportunity I can to destroy the ozone layer. I fall on priceless works of art in museums and "accidentally" damage them. Kim Jong-Il, Hugo Chavez, Muammar Gaddafi and Fidel Castro are my only Facebook friends.

As you can see, I am quite possibly the worst person on earth. I assure you, you do not want me wearing your clothes, coming near your stores, or even leaving my house. I am a much worse person than Mike Sorrentino. As such, I feel I should be compensated, or I will continue to wear Abercrombie & Fitch clothing. Please let me know when you are ready to send me my first payment. Thank you.

-Scott

I will let you know if they respond. Until then, my only advice is don't be like me. Farting at funerals is no way to be.