Monday, October 22, 2012

Same Old Jets

This post brought to you by

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Same Old Jets.
29-26.  The Jets lose in overtime.  A devastating loss, but not unexpected.  What’s unexpected is the Jets managed to keep it close.  Click Here For Odds

What’s in the NYC drinking water?  Major athletes have been going down left and right this year for substantial periods of time.  Mariano Rivera, Michael Pineda, Santonio Holmes, Darelle Revis.  What do we need to do to keep you healthy, guys?  Centrum Silver? Ensure?  Maybe you guys should have a conference call with Lance Armstrong.  He knows how to keep the injuries at bay.
But that’s neither here or there.  The Jets managed to stay in the game and were in it until the bitter end.  The problem wasn’t the (always predictably shaky) Jets play, it was the coaching.  Rex Ryan dropped the ball.

As the barely memorable Herm Edwards said “You play to win the game.”  With two minutes left, the Jets had the ball inside the Pats 20.  Instead of going for the jugular-the insurmountable touchdown-the Jets ran 30 seconds off the clock and gave the ball back to the Pats.  The Pats then kicked their own field goal, kicked another one in OT and stopped the Jets shortly thereafter.  Running the clock down is not playing to win the game.  That’s playing Russian roulette.
Although touted as dominant the Jets defense is anything but.  You can’t trust the defense to make the stop, just like you can’t trust a six year old with a bag full of cookies.  You put up the points and you put the pressure on the other team. Rex Ryan’s lap band surgery was supposed to curb his appetite, not his aggressiveness.  You’ve gone soft Rex and the Jets have followed suit.  

The Jets might turn it around.  They might make the playoffs.  But they aren’t winning the Superbowl.  The Jets can’t play consistently, their team is injured and their coaching makes questionable decisions.  The next time I’m at the sports book I’m betting with my head and not my heart.  I’m betting against the Jets. 

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Koala Kare

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I am awaiting a reply from Koala Kare on an email.  I emailed their customer service. I hope they can address my concerns. It seems their products are a bit misleading.  Please see below--  

Dear Koala Kare, 
G'day Mate! 

My name is Scott and I am from Perth Australia, I am writing to you about your Koala Kare changing station. I had a family of Koalas that live in my backyard. There was a cute Mama Koala and her baby used to hang from her. After an unfortunate incident, the mother koala was no longer able to care for her baby so my wife, Laura and I adopted the baby. We bought those tiny little bottles, got some Koala formula from the local zoo and started raising the Koala baby as our own. We keep our Koala in a diaper and have trained it pretty well. His name is Pickles and he is always on his best behavior...until recently. 

I am writing to you because the other day I went to my local pub to watch the Australia-India Cricket Match and brought Pickles. Pickles is a friendly Koala and everyone is always happy to see him. At one point in the match he pooped his diaper. This was not unexpected as he usually does this when I let him drink some of my lager. I thought "What splendid timing! There is a Koala Kare station in the men's bathroom!" I always see parents misusing the station with their children. If it was for kids it would be called a kid changing station, right? It's a Koala Kare station, get your human baby off of there! 

Well I brought pickles over there and put him on the plastic station but he hated it. He shrieked and spazzed. He actually tore the thing apart. He also tore up my shirt (please see attached photo). I tried to figure out what triggered this reaction from an otherwise peaceful koala and then I realized it was the logo on the changing station. I reckon he saw the Mama koala holding the baby Koala and he has a wicked koala flashback to that traumatic experience in his childhood. I spoke to the Perth Zookeeper soon thereafter and she said that Koalas are more prone to flashbacks than most other animals. Just about every animal except for giraffes which have pretty bad jungle flashbacks sometimes. 

Anyway, I was just writing to let you know the sticker on your koala kare station made pickles lose his s**t and he has never been the same since. He doesn't touch his lager anymore and won't mow our lawn either. Laura and I are pretty unhappy with Koala Kare stations and hope you consider redesigning them to be better suited for its intended customer - koalas. Thanks for your time. I hope you take my comments into consideration.


Monday, June 4, 2012

Scott's Tip Of The Day: "Irregardless" is not a word, people. Stop saying it! You sound like English is your second language. "Well, Scott, what can I use instead?" Good question. How about a real word like "Regardless?" "The Irre" is superfluous. I bet some of you are thumbing through the dictionary right now. "Ha" I found it in the dictionary! Proved Scott wrong!" If you are one of those people then punch yourself in the gut. You just made a rookie mistake. Under the definition it says "non-standard." Yeah. That means it's not a real word. So what did we learn today? Don't say "irregardless" and don't argue with Scott

Saturday, June 2, 2012

What's Up With Youth?

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Kids will be kids. But what you do as a kid has consequences later in life. Think twice before donning early 90's garb and dancing like Michael Jackson. It may come back to haunt you.

Thursday, December 8, 2011


Scott's Tip Of The Day: By now you have probably heard about Alec Baldwin's latest freak out. That guy sure loves his Words With Friends.

While I don't agree with his behavior I agree with his sentiments that the flying experience is becoming more and more like traveling on a Greyhound Bus. Greyhound found this repugnant and responded to Alec Baldwin's comments.

I felt Greyhound's comments to be a little disingenuous when they said “I don’t know if he’s ever been on one of our buses (it doesn’t sound like it), but there are about 17.6 million people who travel with us every year who I’m sure wouldn’t share [his] feelings.”

So what did I do? The only thing I could do. I wrote to Greyhound.

Dear Greyhound,

I recently read about the Alec Baldwin Words With Friends debacle. One of his comments compared American Airlines to the "Greyhound Bus Experience."

One of your publicists responded:

“I don’t know if he’s ever been on one of our buses (it doesn’t sound like it), but there are about 17.6 million people who travel with us every year who I’m sure wouldn’t share [his] feelings.”
First, I would like to say I am an upstanding citizen. I have never been arrested. I am a successful attorney, I am highly educated and I adhere to social norms. I have travelled on Greyhound on many occasions and I think I can accurately articulate how America feels about Greyhound....

The 17.6 million people who travel on Greyhound do not enjoy this experience. Your publicist has either been misinformed or he is lying. As Dave Attell once said "You've been to a bus station, it's kinda scary. People walkin' around dirty, wearin' rags, babblin', shakin', droolin'. That's why no one ever blows up a bus station. They get down there, they look around, they're like 'Damn! Someone's already done this bitch, let's get outta here!"

I know you work in a corporate office and you probably don't often venture into Greyhound bus stations, but I can confirm that this is an accurate description. There are homeless men. It smells like pee. You can't use the bathroom unless the man behind the counter buzzes you in. When you get on the bus things don't get any better. If you are in the northeast you might get lucky and find yourself on a bus with mostly college students. If you aren't lucky you end up on a bus with a lot of low class winos taking their welfare check to cash in at Foxwoods Casino. No, I am not exaggerating. I have seen these people. They don't shower, they wear very old clothes and they smell of alcohol in addition to body odor. They stare at me and say things I don't understand. (I don't understand what they are saying because they are not only drunk but they are missing a lot of their teeth too.)

People travel on Greyhound for a variety of reasons. The main reason is it is cheap. Your customers need to go somewhere but they can't afford to buy a plane or train ticket. The second reason people travel on Greyhound is because all train routes on the available route have already sold out. There is a romanticism about driving cross country. Not on a bus. Not unless motion sickness is a romantic notion.

Nobody likes Greyhound but it's a necessary evil. But let's call a spade a spade. Don't insult my intelligence and tell me your travel experience is great. When people are afraid to fall asleep on your buses, that means it's not fun.

I hope you appreciate my input and consider some of the things I have said. But, I am realistic. I doubt you will. But please do me a favor. The next time you take a ride on a Greyhound, sit next to the smelly wino. Take a nap. Then email me back a full report of what happened. I just hope your butt doesn't hurt too bad.



I will let you all know if they decide to respond. Stay tuned.

Friday, November 4, 2011

And The Winner of Scott's Tip Of The Day Schmuck Of The Year Award Goes To......

Scott's Tip Of The Day: It's time for the first annual Scott's Tip Of The Day Schmuck Of The Year Award (STODSOTYA). STODSOTYA! It sounds Russian, right? Well kind of appropriate because our STODSOTYA winner sealed her award up when she traveled to Chechnya. Who Could it be?

Why none other than Hilary Swank!

Yeah, she only spells her name with one L. She didn't graduate highschool. Spelling wasn't her best subject. Apparently, social studies wasn't either. Hilary Swank recently accepted $1.5 Million to appear at Chechnyan President, Ramzan Kadyrov's, birthday.
Oh sounds like fun, right? No! Not at all! Have you read about this dude? His military units allegedly routiely engage in torture,rape and genocide. He is allegedly responsible for the murders of many reporters. He is also allegedly a big fan of honor killing. What's honor killing? When your wife leaves the house with short sleeves and you kill her because she has embarrassed you and brought shame to your family. "HOW DARE YOU WEAR SHORT SLEEVES, WIFE!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!"

So Hilary, way to go. You accepted $1.5 million to appear at Ramzan's birthday and kiss his ass. Clearly your handlers and you did no research on the man. You fired your manager and your PR team dumped you. You are just as bad as Beyonce, Usher and Mariah Carey. What did they do? They partied with Gadhafi's son at his 2010-2011 New Years Party.

Some people will do anything for money. Hilary Swank, you're an imbecile. You set a bad example for kids and you kind of look like an ape too.

Check it out:

She's totally an ape.

Well, congratulations Hil. You are the winner of STODSOTYA 2011!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Steve Jobs

There aren't too many people who have changed the world like Steve Jobs. Personal computers, Ipods, Ipads, Itunes, apps, graphical user interfaces, mice. You can thank Steve Jobs for all of that. Well, you can thank Xerox for the mouse, but Steve Jobs stole it. That was pretty bad-ass so he still gets a kudos.

Although I've poked fun at him in the past, the truth is I had an enormous amount of respect for him and I'm really sad to see him go. How often does a person touch millions of peoples' lives like he did? Not often. He went before his time and my heart goes out to his wife and kids.

Steve Jobs once said "live everyday like it's your last." I'm sure someone else said that before him, but Jobs definitely subscribed to that philosophy. I'm glad he did because no one deserves to die at 56. I hope wherever you are, Steve, it's cooler than what I saw in All Dogs Go To Heaven. Because no one deserves that. I hope you've gone to a place where all of the computers are Apple and Microsoft doesn't exist. A place where your Apple extended warranty lasts forever. I hope every store carries a black turtleneck, New Balance sneakers and a pair of blue jeans.

Steve Jobs, you will be missed, but certainly not forgotten. See you on the other side.