Thursday, December 17, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: An American, Katie Spotz, intends to row a boat across the Ocean for charity. Here's an idea. Why don't you get a job, Katie? Then donate some of your salary to charity. About 50 some odd people have tried this and failed. You know what that means? Coast Guard Rescue. You know how expensive that is? You're attempt to earn money for charity ends up costing the United States money and resources that could be put to much better use than rescuing you. We have a pretty big deficit you know. So why don't you grow up, stop with the row boat nonsense and get a job?
Monday, December 14, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Have you heard? Aerosmith is in a bad state. Steven Tyler hired his own personal manager and told the band I'm doing my own thing, focusing on my own solo career for the next two years. The only problem is Aerosmith doesn't want to wait two years to come out with a new album and tour. So rumor is Aerosmith is shopping for a new lead singer. Lenny Kravitz was one of the most talked about candidates but he shot down those rumors the other day. So who is going to be the new lead singer of Aerosmith?
TOP 10 CANDIDATES FOR AEROSMITH LEAD SINGER VACANCY
9. David Hasselhoff
8. Joe Pesci
7. Dr. Teeth
6. Stephen Hawking
5. William Shatner
4. Gael Garcia Bernal
3. Elijah Wood
2. Diandre Cole
TOP 10 CANDIDATES FOR AEROSMITH LEAD SINGER VACANCY
9. David Hasselhoff
8. Joe Pesci
7. Dr. Teeth
6. Stephen Hawking
5. William Shatner
4. Gael Garcia Bernal
3. Elijah Wood
2. Diandre Cole
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Straight men are not allowed to drink girly mixed drinks. So what's a girly mixed drink? Is it pink or some other fluorescent color? Yeah, if it's the same color as a highlighter it's prob a girly drink. Pina Coladas? Cococnut....Anything with coconut is pretty much a girly drink. What about margaritas? Well, margaritas have tequila. If you constantly make mention of how strong your drink is and you are accompanied by a woman, it's permissible. Can you drink a margarita with another dude drinking a margarita? No way! What about screwdrivers? Screwdrivers are OK... barely.
"But Scott, what if I am on a tropical vacation? Can't a straight guy drink a tropical drink on a tropical vacation?" Yeah, you can drink girly drinks on a tropical vacation AS LONG as your sole reason for the vacation wasn't to get away to drink girly drinks, free from criticism.
Feel free to print this post out, laminate it and use it as a reference guide.
BTW I don't know the guy in the pic I included above in this post. I just searched "girly drink man" on google pics and his pic was one of the first to come up. Poor guy. You make one mistake and it follows you forever.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Don't expect much from Scott this week. Someone got me sick. Although I was fortunate enough to work from home earlier this week, I am back in the office, giving the gift that keeps on giving...germs. Please send your Get Well Soon cards to email@example.com. If I like yours, I'll feature it on my site.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Enjoy it. Be thankful. What should you be thankful for? Long commutes to your family's house. Getting trampled on Black Friday. Getting behind on work, even though nobody is supposed to be doing work, but your boss is kind of crazy and works over the holidays anyway. Eating until you feel physically sick and have to unbutton your pants. Cold weather. Cheesy holiday decorations. And last but not least, turkey genocide.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Please join me in an effort to petition your congressman. No, I am not asking you to pick a side on health care. Not asking you to write about Afghanistan either. So.... What am I asking you to write about? Peter Costa. You may remember him as Rudy's fat white friend on the Cosby Show. Everyone forgot about him. But he's still here. Somewhere. I urge you to write to your congressman and request a national holiday be set aside to commemorate his contribution to American society. Would you be the same person if you never saw him act like a strange jackass on TV? I didn't think so!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: I'll be away on business this week. If possible, I'll post, but if not, try to hang in there while I am gone. I know it's going to be hard, but maybe this is a good opportunity to go outside and see the sun? When is the last time you left your apartment, anyway?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: So Andre Agassi did meth. He had problems. It was a weak time of his life. He made a mistake. He conquered his addiction and went on to make one of the greatest comebacks in tennis history. He wrote a book to share his experiences and help people. And what happens? He gets hated on! Martina Navratilova compared Andre Agassi to Roger Clemens! Really, Martina??? Meth is not a performance enhancing drug. Agassi did not suddenly possess superhuman strength. In all likliness he was up for 48 hours straight, talking nonsense and grinding his teeth. How is that like Roger Clemens, who (allegedly) did steroids? Who cheated at his sport? Andre did himself a disservice. Give him more medals, don't take them away.
Agassi has built a school in his hometown, Las Vegas. He's dedicated to helping people. He made some mistakes, he conquered them, and now he's in a much better place. He should be commended, not hated on. Scott's tip of the day? Show Andre some love!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Next week I will be away on business. I'm heading to Europe. My company is flying me coach. Am I worried about the trip? Yes. Am I worried about my performance? How I'm gonna do? Nope. I'm worried about who's sittin' next to on the airplane. There are eight people/types of people I DON'T want to sit next to. When you're on a long plane ride, avoid these people like the plague. Change your seats. Induce a panic attack. Just get out of there!
8. Heavyset Middle Eastern Man with darting eyes and big down jacket.
OK, so the pic is of a kid, not a man. But so what? These terrorists are getting sneaky. And no, I am not racist. It's the darting eyes, and the big jacket that worry me. I suppose if they are sitting anywhere on the plane then you are in trouble, but if you sit next to him on the flight you won't be able to sleep because you'll be watchin' him the whole time. No one wants to sit next to this guy, try to sit elsewhere.
7. Obscenely Obese Man Whose Rolls of Fat Spill Into Your Seat
He's so fat. Oh my God, he's so fat. You can't move because his blubber has spilled into your seat and has paralyzed you. You' starting to suffocate. Is he breathing heavy too? Why is this happening? MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T. Don't sit next to this guy!
6. Man who has never used deodorant before.
Once I was on a train ride from Venice to Milan and the lady I sat next to smelled so bad that I couldn't face forwards because the smell was overpowering and made me gag. I should have thrown her off the train. Maybe you should bring aerosol deodorant with you, just in case. If you don't want to offend the person, wait until they fall asleep and then douse them with it. You will thank me later.
5. Baby who won't stop crying
The best thing to do in this situation is bite into your cyanide pill. A quick death is preferable to a 6 hour+ flight listening to a baby cry.
4. Kid who won't shut up
He's kicking your seat. He's dropping his toys in the aisle. He is hitting his sibling and making them cry. He keeps asking his mom dumb questions like "How come Daddy went into the bathroom with the flight attendant?" Ugh. Shut up kid. You want to hit him, but you know if you do he will just become kid who won't stop crying and that's not much of an improvement.
3. Guy who listens to music on his headphones too loud.
Man, this is awkward. How the hell is he listening to music that loud? He's gonna blow his ears out. I asked him to stop, but he's pretending he can't speak English. It's times like these that you wish you brought your samurai sword on board so you could commit ritual seppuku.
2. Man who had two bloody marys and feels compelled to tell you his life story.
Listen old man. I don't want to hear about your glory days in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Your job selling vacuum cleaners door to door sounds miserable. No. I don't want to see pictures of your wife and kids. I want to sleep. Leave me alone.
1. Robin Williams on cocaine
Man. You thought the guy who had two bloody marys wouldn't shut up. Robin Williams disappeared for five minutes in the bathroom and now he is back with white powder on his nose. He's not even talking to you, he's having a conversation with himself in an African language consisting of mouth popping noises and clicks. But no, it's not even a real language, he is just making it up as he goes along. He didn't even share his cocaine with you. How did he get it on board? You won't survive the plane ride in your seat, so just lock yourself in the bathroom and take a nap. It's your only hope for survival.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Blackface is socially unacceptable. It is not funny. It is funny to watch the backlash when people in the public arena use blackface, though. Way to go Cowboys' cheerleader.
Whiteface? Socially acceptable? Maybe. Funny? No. Sorry Wayans Brothers. Movies where black men dress up as women are not funny. Just because you dress up as women who happen to be white, that doesn't make it funny.
I have a dream. A dream that one day men will dress as men and women will dress as women. A dream that black people will not use whiteface and white people will not use blackface. A dream where I'm naked in a shopping mall and can't find anywhere to hide. Oh. Er. That's another dream.....but you, uh..... get my point.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Welcome to the first annual Scott's Tip Of The Day Beer Awards. This year's award goes to The Abyss, which is brewed at Deschutes Brewery in Oregon. The kind people at Deschutes Brewery sent me a sample bottle to review. Unfortunately for you guys, if you would like to try this delicious beer, you are going to have to trek out to Oregon. Another obstacle to drinking this beer is the wax seal on the top of the bottle. You are going to have to use all of your Macgyver skills to open it.
Although, ominous sounding,the Abyss is actually very tasty. I am not the most experienced beer reviewer, but I can tell you this. The Abyss is a stout. and I was able to taste hints of coffee and chocolate in there. It was very heavy and the alcohol content was pretty high. This isn't a Bud Light. But just because it's strong don't think you're going to get crunked on this beer either. I don't think you would have the room in your stomach to drink three or four of these at a time. This is a beer to enjoy. Maybe with a cigar? There are some complex flavors in there, and guessing what all of them are is half the fun. So book your plane tickets to Oregon now, because if the other beers at Deschutes Brewery taste this good, it will be worth the trip.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you're going to talk s**t, at least back it up. Yes, Jimmy Rollins. I mean you. Phillies in 5? Doesn't look like that is going to happen. I look forward to seeing you cry when the Yankees take the World Series. ONE MORE GAME! GO NEW YORK YANKEES!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Here's to you Arnold Schwarzuh.....nager? negger? I'm 27-years-old and I still can't write your name correctly without looking it up. Why couldn't you have gotten one of those easy Hollywood names? Arnie Shwarz!! Anyway, I digress. This post is dedicated to you Arnie. I tip my hat to you. You clearly have a good sense of humor. My tip of the day to the rest of you is to go out and watch an Arnold Schwarz........ movie. Commando. T2. Whatever. Since he left acting no one has really been able to fill his shoes. Sorry Dwayne Johnson and Vin Diesel. Also, for a good laugh, check out the Arnold Soundboard. I had some good times in College pranking people with it.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Breaking your Netflix DVD before returning it is not a cool thing to do. Some of us like to watch those movies. But we can't. Cause you broke it. How did you scratch the DVD that deep? How did you smash it into all of those little pieces. You know how badly I wanted to watch that movie? You ruined my weekend. Was it you Mr. Postman? Maybe you need a satchel from this century. Yeah, your standard issue 1988 Postman satchel isn't cutting it anymore. So buy a new one.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you wreck your parents' stuff (stuff includes, but is not limited to bizarre homemade weather balloons), the attic is a great place to hide until the situation blows over.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Ever see Field of Dreams? It's a classic. I guess. Honestly, I never really got into all of the hoopla. I couldn't get past how unrealistic it was.
SCOTT'S PROBLEMS WITH FIELD OF DREAMS
1)In real life if you were to tell anyone, whether they are a relative or a stranger, that you have voices inside your head, you would be sent to a psychiatrist and be put on medicine for schizophrenia. You would not be encouraged to listen to those voices.
2)James Earl Jones played Terrence Mann, a recluse author in the film. Kevin Costner's character, Ray Kinsella, befriended him about halfway through the movie. For a good 10 minutes toward the end of the movie, Mann sat around listening to Kinsella's brother in law talk about foreclosing on Ray's house. Terrence Mann was a Pulitzer prize winner, and presumably a millionaire. In real life Mann would have helped Kinsella out. He wouldn't have just sat there watching ghosts play baseball, ignoring the whole conversation. "Shhhhhh. Stop talking about foreclosing on the house. I'm tryin' to watch some ghost baseball over here!"
3)At the end of the film, cars drive from all over to watch the ghosts play baseball in an Iowa cornfield. Did you see that row of cars driving to the field? Totally unrealistic. There was definitely not enough parking for all of these people, not to mention nowhere for them to sit. What about snacks? Beers? If Kinsella is trying to pay off his overdue mortgage, the real moneymaker would be beer, wouldn't it? Who is going to keep track of all of the people? He had no admission gates constructed, people could just walk right in and say they paid. Also, was Kinsella's property zoned for ghost baseball games? He didn't even check with town hall about that. "Excuse me, I am in town hall, right? Could you please direct me to the person who could best answer my questions on ghost baseball zoning?"
Don't buy into Field of Dreams. It makes no sense. You know what makes sense? Turning the TV off the next time it comes on and reading a book instead. But you don't have to take my word for it.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Fight for what you believe. Stand your ground. Don't back down. Especially in prison. when someone threatens your freedom? You go after them! When someone has a different view of the economy than you. You shove 'em! Yeah, Bernie Madoff! And we all thought he was going to be the prison bitch. Think again people. Bernie Madoff will shove you into submission if you cross him, so think twice before provoking him.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Stay relevant. Don't fall into obscurity. When Mike Tyson was asked what he would do when he retired from boxing he replied "I guess I'll just fade into Bolivian." Don't fade into Bolivian. Don't fade into oblivion either. Hey, it could happen. What do I mean? Well take a look at these 10 stars. All had promising futures in entertainment and then fell off the map.
SCOTT'S TOP 10 HOLLYWOOD STARS THAT FADED INTO OBLIVIAN (or Bolivian)
10. Paul Hogan
Yes, Paul. I call that a knife. What else do you have to say for yourself? What? It's hard to understand what you're saying with that accent and all the Vegemite you're eating. Don't talk with food in your mouth! Anyway, are you surprised he fell off the map? He was a one trick pony. That being said, Crocodile Dundee was still an awesome movie and whenever I am flippin through the channels and I see that it's on, I always have to stop and watch it.
9. Ralph Macchio
You're nothing without Mr. Miyagi, Ralph. You couldn't even land a role as a stereotypical goomba in a Martin Scorsese movie... and you're the most Italian-American looking and sounding Motherf***er I have ever seen. What? What does an Italian-American sound like? Someone from New Jersey. You know I'm right.
8. Michael Winslow
You can rock an awesome Purple Haze, with nothing but a microphone. You can basically imitate any sound imaginable and even people unimpressed with your acting skills have to respect your talent. Why you couldn't make it out of the Police Academy series is beyond me.
7. Rick Moranis
On a serious note, I recently read that Moranis quit the film industry after his wife passed away from Cancer. He wanted to stay home and raise his children. In a world where it's become acceptable to jet set around the globe and leave your kid with a nanny 24-7, I have big respect for you for not takin' that approach, Rick.
6. Everyone From The Breakfast Club
Ally Sheedy, Emilio Estevez, Judd Nelson, Anthony Michael Hall, Molly Ringwald. What the hell happened to all of you? Although some of you were more talented than others, (IMHO, Anthony Michael Hall was the most talented of the lot), you all dropped off the grid. It's too bad. What do I have to look forward to now? Christmas? You know what I got for Christmas? Oh, it was a banner fucking year at the old Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said, "Hey, smoke up Johnny." Alright? So go home and cry to your Daddy. Don't cry here, okay?
5. Sean Young
She's a man!!! At least she was in Ace Ventura Pet Detective. Sean Young is living proof that erratic alcohol fueled behavior will eventually lead to your demise in Hollywood. Unless your name is Nick Nolte. Or Gary Busey. Or any other Hollywood celebrity that isn't Sean Young.
4. Judge Reinhold
As a kid, his name always confused me. Judge? Isn't that a profession? Nonetheless, you think his performances in Beverly Hills Cop and Fast Times at Ridgemont High would have kept people clamoring for more Judge. I guess not.
3. Charles Grodin
Charles. Chuck. Chaz. Where did you go, my man? If you're under 20-years-old, you probably never even heard of this guy. Before The Heartbreak Kid was a Ben Stiller movie, it was a Charles Grodin movie. And it was funny. And the humor wasn't wearing thin (hint, hint, Ben Stiller). I can't say I agree with your decision to act in the movie, Beethoven, but I guess you could rationalize that by saying "it's for the kids." Then again, a pedophile could probably rationalize his behavior with the same explanation.
2. Paul Reubens
Speaking of sexually deviant behavior....number two is Paul Reubens! Who would have guessed masturbating in a movie theater would have irreparably harmed his career? Not Paul, apparently.
1. O.J. Simpson
He was in the Towering Inferno. The Naked Gun. He was a great football player and not a bad actor. So why isn't he in movies anymore? Oh yeah, he "allegedly" murdered his wife and her boyfriend.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Miguel Cabrera, 1st baseman of the Detroit Tigers (and perennial fatass), showed up to work this past Sunday with a bruise and cut on his face. It later came out that he had been drinking the night before, came home to his wife, woke up his baby in a drunken stupor, and had a domestic altercation with his wife. Did I mention he had a .26 Blood Alcohol Level (BAL)? That's over three times the legal limit!
What did Tigers GM, Dave Dombrowski do? No, he didn't suspend him. He picked Cabrera up at the police station at 7:30AM the next day, so he would be able to play that night. The Tigers needed to win! They were in a tight pennant race! Except, Cabrera's BAL was so high at 7:30AM, even though he purged some of that alcohol from his system, he was still drunk when he showed up to the park that night to play (according to experts, at least).
Well guess what Tigers? You lost to the Minnesota Twins last night. You traded your morals for a chance at the pennant. But you gave up a three game lead in four games and now you're left with your d**k in your hand. So what's the moral of this story? If you work for a sports team, and one of your players gets arrested for a drunk domestic altercation, ensure he is going to take you to the playoffs before you pick him up at the police station.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you happen to be walking down the street to the gym, and you pass a fat middle-aged man in a t-shirt and underwear, and he starts yelling at you from his doorstep "Mistah, Mistah.....I just wanna be happy in America! I wanna be happy in America!" then the best thing to do is just keep walking and not make eye contact.
Yes... This really happened to me.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you're a dude, basically any Halloween costume will work. Just make sure it doesn't show any skin. People don't want to see you half naked. Trust me. I know you think your biceps are monstrous, but no one cares. The Clockwork Orange Guys. Harry Potter. Whatever. You can do anything. Just don't be sexy Harry Potter with the leather crotchless pants and you're fine. Sexy Harry Potter is an oxymoron anyway.
If you're an attractive lady, don't even think about putting together a Halloween costume that isn't a little sexy. It's necessary. It's tradition. Show some skin. HOWEVER, if you're a lady with rolls of fat, even if you have an attractive face, you are not allowed to put together a sexy Halloween costume. You should just stay home and hand out candy. Someone needs to, you know? And I just elected YOU to do it. No apples, please.
I'm strongly against the practice of dressing your dog up, but on Halloween it's OK to do so, if you must. Get your ya yas out because after Oct 31st, if your dog is wearing people's clothes, its just going to look like a tool. And if a dog looks like a tool, its owner looks like a tool too.
You can email me your grievances at firstname.lastname@example.org, and if I think there are some extenuating circumstances, I'll grant you permission to deviate from these rules, but otherwise, by reading this blog entry, you have hereby agreed to abide by them. Any violations of this aforementioned agreement shall result in ostracization.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Where will the Olympic Committee decide to hold the 2016 Summer Olympics? Will it be Rio De Janiero? Madrid? Tokyo? Chicago? As a red blooded American, I strongly endorse the Chicago bid. Sure, a lot of Chicago peeps don't want the Olympics. You'd have to be blind to not notice the protests. But think of all the cultural benefits to having the Olympics in Chicago. Tourists will be able to see Chicago youths beaten to death, firsthand. Hell, that should even be an Olympic event. So lets make our voices heard people. Lets give the Olympics to the city that clearly wants it the most....Rio De Jan....I mean Chicago.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: As you may know, Roman Polanski, director of such films as Chinatown and The Pianist, was arrested in Switzerland yesterday on statutory rape charges. Specifically, he was charged with having sex with a 13-year-old girl. The United States has been trying to arrest him since 1977, but Polanski has mostly kept to countries that do not have extradition treaties with the United States. He slipped up when he entered Switzerland for an awards ceremony.
Whoopi Goldberg, doesn't feel that Roman Polanski should be tried, however. Goldberg expressed her view, that statutory rape isn't "rape-rape." Apparently serving a 13-year-old girl champagne and feeding her Quaaludes, is not rape-rape. Perhaps it's just another Saturday night at the Goldberg house? So what's my tip of the day? Those of you who watch The View should probably find another place to get your advice. Scott's Tip Of The Day, perhaps.
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Hypothetically, lets say you play football. Let's also assume that due to your frail body you have been injured multiple times over a five year span and required invasive shoulder surgery on three of those occasions. If this was to happen to you, you would be wise to pursue another career. Who am I referring to? Oh no one.....
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Are you having trouble affording an apartment in Manhattan? How about Brooklyn? Hmmm...Still can't afford one? Then why don't you follow Libyan Leader, Colonel Gaddafi's example? Pitch a tent! And where better than on a property owned by Donald Trump? If you still can't afford to buy your own tent, maybe Gaddafi would be willing to share his with you? After all, there are worse things than living with a terrorist..... like....ummm......OK...So there aren't worse things than living with a terrorist. But at least you have a place to live. And I am sure you will have a lot of interesting dinner conversations about last night's episode of Two and a Half Men, or the Jewish conspiracy.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Some of you may have read the New York Times article, this past weekend, about the Millburn High School Slut List.
Basically, every year these classy Millburn High, New Jersey senior girls carefully analyze the incoming freshman class, and decide who the biggest sluts are. I found this article a fascinating piece of journalism. But a quick pointer to the author, Tina Kelly. How am I supposed to call any of these incoming freshman sluts, if you don't provide their names and addresses in the article? Isn't your article a bit incomplete? There, there. It's OK, Tina. I will give you a few days to put together this information and get back to me. Then I'll read it over again and reevaluate. Sound good? Great. Thanks, Tina.