Thursday, December 8, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: By now you have probably heard about Alec Baldwin's latest freak out. That guy sure loves his Words With Friends.
While I don't agree with his behavior I agree with his sentiments that the flying experience is becoming more and more like traveling on a Greyhound Bus. Greyhound found this repugnant and responded to Alec Baldwin's comments.
I felt Greyhound's comments to be a little disingenuous when they said “I don’t know if he’s ever been on one of our buses (it doesn’t sound like it), but there are about 17.6 million people who travel with us every year who I’m sure wouldn’t share [his] feelings.”
So what did I do? The only thing I could do. I wrote to Greyhound.
I recently read about the Alec Baldwin Words With Friends debacle. One of his comments compared American Airlines to the "Greyhound Bus Experience."
One of your publicists responded:
“I don’t know if he’s ever been on one of our buses (it doesn’t sound like it), but there are about 17.6 million people who travel with us every year who I’m sure wouldn’t share [his] feelings.”
First, I would like to say I am an upstanding citizen. I have never been arrested. I am a successful attorney, I am highly educated and I adhere to social norms. I have travelled on Greyhound on many occasions and I think I can accurately articulate how America feels about Greyhound....
The 17.6 million people who travel on Greyhound do not enjoy this experience. Your publicist has either been misinformed or he is lying. As Dave Attell once said "You've been to a bus station, it's kinda scary. People walkin' around dirty, wearin' rags, babblin', shakin', droolin'. That's why no one ever blows up a bus station. They get down there, they look around, they're like 'Damn! Someone's already done this bitch, let's get outta here!"
I know you work in a corporate office and you probably don't often venture into Greyhound bus stations, but I can confirm that this is an accurate description. There are homeless men. It smells like pee. You can't use the bathroom unless the man behind the counter buzzes you in. When you get on the bus things don't get any better. If you are in the northeast you might get lucky and find yourself on a bus with mostly college students. If you aren't lucky you end up on a bus with a lot of low class winos taking their welfare check to cash in at Foxwoods Casino. No, I am not exaggerating. I have seen these people. They don't shower, they wear very old clothes and they smell of alcohol in addition to body odor. They stare at me and say things I don't understand. (I don't understand what they are saying because they are not only drunk but they are missing a lot of their teeth too.)
People travel on Greyhound for a variety of reasons. The main reason is it is cheap. Your customers need to go somewhere but they can't afford to buy a plane or train ticket. The second reason people travel on Greyhound is because all train routes on the available route have already sold out. There is a romanticism about driving cross country. Not on a bus. Not unless motion sickness is a romantic notion.
Nobody likes Greyhound but it's a necessary evil. But let's call a spade a spade. Don't insult my intelligence and tell me your travel experience is great. When people are afraid to fall asleep on your buses, that means it's not fun.
I hope you appreciate my input and consider some of the things I have said. But, I am realistic. I doubt you will. But please do me a favor. The next time you take a ride on a Greyhound, sit next to the smelly wino. Take a nap. Then email me back a full report of what happened. I just hope your butt doesn't hurt too bad.
I will let you all know if they decide to respond. Stay tuned.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: It's time for the first annual Scott's Tip Of The Day Schmuck Of The Year Award (STODSOTYA). STODSOTYA! It sounds Russian, right? Well kind of appropriate because our STODSOTYA winner sealed her award up when she traveled to Chechnya. Who Could it be?
Why none other than Hilary Swank!
Yeah, she only spells her name with one L. She didn't graduate highschool. Spelling wasn't her best subject. Apparently, social studies wasn't either. Hilary Swank recently accepted $1.5 Million to appear at Chechnyan President, Ramzan Kadyrov's, birthday.
Oh sounds like fun, right? No! Not at all! Have you read about this dude? His military units allegedly routiely engage in torture,rape and genocide. He is allegedly responsible for the murders of many reporters. He is also allegedly a big fan of honor killing. What's honor killing? When your wife leaves the house with short sleeves and you kill her because she has embarrassed you and brought shame to your family. "HOW DARE YOU WEAR SHORT SLEEVES, WIFE!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!"
So Hilary, way to go. You accepted $1.5 million to appear at Ramzan's birthday and kiss his ass. Clearly your handlers and you did no research on the man. You fired your manager and your PR team dumped you. You are just as bad as Beyonce, Usher and Mariah Carey. What did they do? They partied with Gadhafi's son at his 2010-2011 New Years Party.
Some people will do anything for money. Hilary Swank, you're an imbecile. You set a bad example for kids and you kind of look like an ape too.
Check it out:
She's totally an ape.
Well, congratulations Hil. You are the winner of STODSOTYA 2011!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
There aren't too many people who have changed the world like Steve Jobs. Personal computers, Ipods, Ipads, Itunes, apps, graphical user interfaces, mice. You can thank Steve Jobs for all of that. Well, you can thank Xerox for the mouse, but Steve Jobs stole it. That was pretty bad-ass so he still gets a kudos.
Although I've poked fun at him in the past, the truth is I had an enormous amount of respect for him and I'm really sad to see him go. How often does a person touch millions of peoples' lives like he did? Not often. He went before his time and my heart goes out to his wife and kids.
Steve Jobs once said "live everyday like it's your last." I'm sure someone else said that before him, but Jobs definitely subscribed to that philosophy. I'm glad he did because no one deserves to die at 56. I hope wherever you are, Steve, it's cooler than what I saw in All Dogs Go To Heaven. Because no one deserves that. I hope you've gone to a place where all of the computers are Apple and Microsoft doesn't exist. A place where your Apple extended warranty lasts forever. I hope every store carries a black turtleneck, New Balance sneakers and a pair of blue jeans.
Steve Jobs, you will be missed, but certainly not forgotten. See you on the other side.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: There are three things I hate more than anything: Cauliflower, people who drive slow in the passing lane and the American Family Association.
Cauliflower makes me gag. People who drive slow in the passing lane add time to my commute. The American Family Association? That requires a little elaboration....
Lets take the most recent example. Ben & Jerry's recently released a new flavor called "Schweddy Balls." Funny, right? Even if you don't think it's funny, who cares? Transexuals are dancing with the stars on TV. Gay people are allowed to ask and tell. A black dude is president. We're living in a modern world. The American Family Association, however, is demanding Schweddy Balls be removed from the market.
Really American Family Association? Really? You people don't have anything better to do? You already complain about radio programs, television programs, porno....now you are complaining about ice cream?
Guess what? If you don't like television shows with foul language or nudity then don't watch them. If you don't like Schweddy Balls, then eat some vegetables instead. If you spent as much time watching your kid as you did complaining about ice cream, then maybe he wouldn't be exposed to these "awful" things.
And what makes these things so awful anyway? As Mark Twain once said "Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them." The word "Fuck" wasn't so bad until people stigmatized it. And nudity? There's nothing wrong with the human body. It's a beautiful thing. Well generally. I mean a lady with hammer toes isn't beautiful. Neither is a man with a crooked penis. But generally, yeah, it's a beautiful thing. All you are doing is programming your children to feel shame over natural things.
If you want to raise your kid like that then be my guest. You're a parent. Do some parenting. Watch your kids. Forbid them from watching "naughty" programs. Supervise them. Over-supervise them. Teach your kids that dinosaurs and people lived at the same time. Fuck your kid up. Make him self-conscious. Make him feel like shit for thinking normal thoughts and feeling normal things. But don't create a world where my kid feels shameful for behaving like that. We live in a free country. Don't tread on me. Don't censor me. Don't create decency standards for my children. I can take care of raising them myself. And don't you dare try to take those Schweddy Balls away from me.. I love putting those schweddy fucking balls in my mouth.
I hope everyone in the American Family Association gets arthritis from writing those stupid letters to Ben & Jerry's. I have never declared war on anyone or any organization but I am declaring war on the American Family Association. If you have any free time I fully encourage you to call them and tell them they are idiots. Write them hate mail. Send them scathing letters. Feel free to record your conversations or copy me (firstname.lastname@example.org) on those emails and I will publish your responses if I like them. If anyone in the American Family Association thinks they are justified in their actions and would like to discuss them I'd be happy to have a dialogue with you. I'll let you present your case. But you're going to have to answer my questions afterwards. Are you sure your beliefs will hold up to scrutiny?
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day:
I switched to sattelite radio this week. I just couldn't handle another day commuting and listening to terrestrial radio. What really pushed me over the edge is NYC's one and only 660AM WFAN. What was my problem, exactly? You can read it below, in my letter to the station:
How are you? I saw you were the person who sorts through the complaints and comments at WFAN so I thought I would shoot you an email.
I bet you get a lot of crazy emails. People from LI and Jersey complaining "Yo, Mike Francesa hung up on me! Maron! What gives!? I want that dude fired, yo!" I know the type. I went to law school in Long Island. I empathize with you. Most of them are inarticulate. They wear too much man jewelry and use inordinate amounts of hair gel. They prob make you want to throw your computer against the wall. I can assure you I am not one of these people. I am educated, cultured and generally I try to conform with traditional social norms. I am a serious man with a serious gripe.
I listened to WFAN for 3+ years on my commute to work. Yeah, that's past tense. I don't listen anymore. I reached my breaking point the other day and I purchased satellite radio. I will never listen to WFAN again.
It's not the commercials that bother me. Well the 1-877 Cars for Kids commercial bothers me. It kind of makes me want to commit Seppuku. But let's forget about that for a moment. Generally, your commercials don't bother me. It's not your station format either. I take no issue with most of your programming. Although Mike Francesa is irritable, dismissive and a compulsive gambler (this is a plausible assumption based on how much time he spends at the track), he knows his sports. Although Boomer & Carton provide a substandard listening experience, I realize I am not the intended audience (white male, Age 18-70, alcoholic, possibly insomniac, less than average IQ, misogynist, inability to relate to others, slightly out of touch with reality, lives at home with parents). It's Joe & Evan that really push me over the edge. Let me explain why:
Joe cannot go three seconds without saying "Bro." I looked in the Merck manual to see if this was some kind of disability. Tourette syndrome? Autism? Michael Sorrentino disease? It turns out he just has a very poor vocabulary. By my estimation it sits around a paltry 200-300 words. Evan's vocabulary is a little more advanced, but he still struggles with multi-syllable words (its Vuvuzela not Vuzuvela). Did you know he didn't even go to college? Perhaps he needs to brush up on his English. Does WFAN provide a tutor for its show hosts? Perhaps that would be a good investment.
Furthermore, the producer of the show has a great deal of difficulty filtering out the semi-intelligent callers from grumpy old men, idiots proposing totally unrealistic trades and yesman fanboy famewhores who agree with anything any on-air personality says if it means getting their voice on the radio. People don't want to hear what it will take for the Mets to land Justin Verlander. It's never going to happen. Never ever ever ever. Never.
Additionally, Joe & Evan spend an inordinate amount of time discussing the Nets and Islanders, when only about 8 people in the tri-state area care about these teams. Joe & Evan like the Mets too. I understand this character flaw, since a lot of New Yorkers like the Mets, but how about some unbiased discussion about the Yankees once in awhile? Some discussion without backhanded jabs or veiled jealousy?
In conclusion, I just feel dumber after listening to your station. Especially after listening to Joe & Evan. What's Evan? Twenty six years old? How can he even be expected to speak intelligently about any sports event pre-1990? He can't. That's why he shouldn't be on NYC radio.
Please reconsider your late morning/early afternoon programming choice. I realize this is a big decision. Here are some suggestions for programs that would be more intellectually stimulating than Joe & Evan in the morning:
-Three hours of nothing but the sound of balloons popping
-An embittered Vietnam war veteran discussing the incurable diseases he caught in a whorehouse five clicks south of Da Nang
-A lost child crying for his mother
-idle chitchat between two men with heavy accents, waiting for a bus to Brighton Beach at the Port Authority
-An African Grey Parrot reciting the alphabet
Don't worry. I am not asking for any compensation for these ideas. Just trying to help. I hope you take them into consideration. Have a great weekend.
So what's my tip of the day? Buy yourself a satellite radio! Terrestrial radio blows. Especially 660AM WFAN.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Well it turns out that Abercrombie & Fitch are paying Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino to not wear their clothes. You can read about it here. Abercrombie does not want Mike ruining their image. I thought this might be a good opportunity for me to capitalize on this information. Today I wrote a letter to Abercrombie:
I recently read in the Chicago Tribune (http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/breaking/chi-abercrombie-to-pay-jersey-shore-cast-to-stop-wearing-its-clothes-20110817,0,3357772.story) about how your company is paying Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino to NOT wear Abercrombie & Fitch clothing. You're worried his association with your clothing line may damage your image. While I find this hard to believe, especially since your quarterly catalog is racier than an issue of Playboy, I think I understand where you're coming from.
I am a celebrity too. I am the writer of Scott's Tip Of The Day, which has won numerous awards including Blogger's "Blog of Note" award. You can check it out at http://scottstipoftheday.blogspot.com. I command a great deal of influence over your target demographic. Little kids trust me. Teenagers think I'm bomb. Baby boomers think I'm witty. (The elderly are generally unaware of what's happening, on the internet or otherwise, so let's forget about them for now.) I also wear Abercrombie & Fitch all the time.
I would argue that I am an even more reprehensible character than Mike Sorrentino. I borrow money from my friends and never pay them back. I commit to plans and flake at the last minute. I take more toilet paper than necessary when using public restrooms. I never tip. I give tourists wrong directions. I drive slow in the passing lane. I cut you in line even though I have no idea what you are standing in line for. I go into McDonalds without purchasing any items. I just take all of their ketchup and mustard. Then I throw it all away in the dumpster behind the restaurant.
I don't cover my mouth when I yawn, I certainly don't cover it when I cough and covering my nose when I sneeze is a concept completely foreign to me. I eat massive quantities of beans and then go to funerals, just to break wind. I contract contagious diseases and walk through public places. I steal my cable from my neighbor and purchase Pay Per View shows regularly. I call into public access television shows only to insult the host.
Sometimes I lay for days in the Chuck E Cheese's ball pit...waiting...waiting to scare the living daylights out of the most emotionally fragile child I can find. I work out at the gym, but I never wipe the equipment down afterwards. I drive through Amish country handing Nintendo Gameboys to all of the children. I break into Hassidic Jews' houses at night and shave their beards. I fly down to the rain forrest once a year, just to chop it down. I take any opportunity I can to destroy the ozone layer. I fall on priceless works of art in museums and "accidentally" damage them. Kim Jong-Il, Hugo Chavez, Muammar Gaddafi and Fidel Castro are my only Facebook friends.
As you can see, I am quite possibly the worst person on earth. I assure you, you do not want me wearing your clothes, coming near your stores, or even leaving my house. I am a much worse person than Mike Sorrentino. As such, I feel I should be compensated, or I will continue to wear Abercrombie & Fitch clothing. Please let me know when you are ready to send me my first payment. Thank you.
I will let you know if they respond. Until then, my only advice is don't be like me. Farting at funerals is no way to be.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: A Vancouver, Washington lady has been arrested for trying to sell her baby at Taco Bell. What was she thinking? Why would anybody buy a baby for $500 when they can get a taco for a dollar and change? If you're going to sell your kid, at least throw some incentives in there. A 30 day return policy. College tuition. Free diapers. Otherwise people are just going to make their own babies. Stay tuned for a follow up post with step by step instructions on how to make your own baby.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Everything I've read has lead me to believe that getting struck by lightning gives you super powers. Well, I guess I was wrong. Apparently it can impair your performance in international sporting events.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: How much is an IPad worth to you? Is it worth a kidney? It was for a teenager in China. This frittata only got $3,000 bucks for his kidney. Didn't he know he could get over $100,000 dollars for it!!??
If you're going to sell your body parts, make sure you research the going rates on the black market. This kid could have had an Ipad, a house AND a nurse to care for his unikidney body. Instead, all he has is a giant scar and an addiction to Angry Birds.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: In today's economy, a lot of people are constantly worried about losing their job. One little mistake and your head's on the chopping block. Well, not if you're a postal worker. You can poop in people's yards and still keep your job! My application is in the mail!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: This tip goes out to all the children. Do you like movies about gladiators? Ever seen a grown man naked? Ever been to a Turkish prison? If the answer to any of these questions is no then you need to take a field trip to the New York Public Library. According to the NY Post, it's the hottest place to fulfill all of your hardcore pornographic needs. Your Mom will love it when you tell her you like to go to the library and "do research" or "get educated." You'll earn some brownie points. You'll also learn what a blumpkin is. Thank you, New York City!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: A Florida Unemployment agency in Orlando spent public money to give capes to 6,000 jobless Florida residents as part of its Cape-A-Bility Challenge public relations campaign.
Workforce Central Florida Director Gary J. Earl defends the program. I highly encourage all Florida residents to write to their local representative to complain about this. It's totally ridiculous. No. Not the capes. The fact that matching tights were not provided as well. How are these people supposed to feel good about themselves when they don't even have a full superhero get up. They're down in the dumps and they don't have a job...or tights.
Poorly planned, Florida. Poorly planned
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Television programs and films that involve time travel are now banned in China. The rationale behind this move is it "disrespects history." Despite the fact these films and television programs have been banned, time travel itself has not been banned, so feel free to continue doing so in your phone booth or Delorean.
Scott's Tip Of The Day: It's getting pretty scary for prostitutes in Long Island. A serial killer has been murdering them and leaving their remains on the beach. It's causing quite a panic and according to an article by NBC New York, New York's Sex Worker Outreach program has started giving advice to sex workers. Advice like "trust your gut." Wow. Brilliant. Thanks for that. That's not even close to helpful. These prostitutes trusted their guts and now they're PROSTITUTES. Obviously, that didn't work the first time.
Here's some advice from Scott to Long Island Prostitutes. Enroll at Nassau Community College, learn some skills and get a job that doesn't involve sex with strangers for money. Then you won't get murdered by a deranged serial killer.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Scott's Tip Of My Day: Congratulations to the 2011 UCONN Men's Basketball Team for winning the National Championship. As someone born and raised in Connecticut, it's not too often I have any state pride. I mean, come on. It's Connecticut. Yeah, we do have Casinos, Yale University, the Coast Guard Academy, a few nice beaches and the beautiful Fairfield County. But we also have the birthplace of Lyme Disease, Bridgeport and a glaring lack of professional sports teams. (We miss you Whalers.)
Even if you don't care about college basketball you have to give UCONN some credit. They were an up and down team all season until they reached the Big East Tournament, where they won five games in a row to win the Big East Championship. They were the first team without a bye, to win five games in a row and do that. And then they won six games in a row to win the national title. Do you know how hard that is? Do you know how much endurance you need to play a whole season and then play all of these games in a row too and win them all? UCONN's star point guard, Kemba Walker, played almost 40 minutes every one of these games. To give you some perspective, I rolled my foot on the sidewalk two weeks ago and it still hurts. I haven't been to the gym since. Incidentally, I have completely fallen off the NBA draft board and most European teams have preemptively called me to express their disinterest. I'm going to have to play in an obscure country abroad if I want to play professional basketball. My only offer is from an Uzbekistani team for three dollars a week. I'm debating whether to take it. I don't think I am going to do it, unless they throw in a baby goat as a signing bonus.
Anyway, give Connecticut some respect. At least for today. I mean at least it's not Rhode Island, right?
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Watch out for Lifestyles Skyn Condoms. Have you seen the box? It says "Individually tested for maximum protection."
Hey, Lifestyles. Please stop having your employees at the factory individually test out my condoms before I use them. That's pretty gross. Thank you.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: No one enjoys using a public bathroom. But it's basically impossible to go through life without using one now and then. Depending on the situation, the public bathroom experience can be anywhere from relatively painless to traumatizing. Here are some bathroom etiquette tips to keep you from traumatizing an innocent bystander:
You're not Magnus Samuelsson competing in the World's Strongest Man competition. There's no reason you should be groaning or grunting while you do your business. It makes everyone else in the bathroom extremely uncomfortable and leaves memories even years of intense therapy can't erase.
2)No talking on your mobile phone.
If you want to text, play games or read articles on the internet then more power to you. But you make it weird and uncomfortable when I'm taking care of business in the bathroom and I hear a long phone conversation coming from the stall next to me. I find the best way to resolve this situation is to flush my toilet repeatedly until the person on the phone gets extremely embarrassed.
3)Don't talk to strangers
I work in the same office building as you. Sometimes we see each other in the hallways. Great. It's still inappropriate to start a conversation with me when I'm at the urinal. I don't want to talk to you. I didn't come to the bathroom to chat it up. I just want to do my business and get out of there. Do I know you? OK, that's fine. But if I don't then anything beyond "hello" should wait until after you exit the bathroom.
4)Lock your stall door.
Don't get mad at me when I open your stall and you're sitting there pooping. These doors have locks on them for a reason. I don't want to have to look under every single stall door in the bathroom to determine if it's free or not. If you leave your stall door open then you're giving me permission to pretty much do whatever I want. If I want to just leave the door open for everyone to see, that's my right. That's what you get for being an idiot. No. Don't give me dirty looks. Hold your head in shame
5)Stick to your own bathroom.
This goes for you women. I know it sucks that the line to the ladies' restroom is long. That doesn't mean it has to be long for the men too. That doesn't mean one lady can take up a bathroom with 5 stalls while her friend stands at the door guarding it telling me "Oh sorry, my friend is in there, she will finish up." Sorry, Lady. I don't know you. I don't care if you or your friend gets embarrassed. I just drank 6 beers, I have to pee, and the game is coming back from commercial in two minutes. I don't have time for this. You took a risk, Lady and it came back to bite you in the ass. You can only blame yourself.
6)Lift the toilet seat when you pee.
This goes for you, gentlemen. If you have vertigo, depth perception problems, bad balance, or you just never learned to pee standing up then you should sit down when you pee. And just because you have good aim doesn't mean it's a good idea to pee with the toilet seat down. Have you ever heard of karma? One day you'll have an emergency and you'll open up a stall door and there'll be pee all over the place. You're not a caveman. Exercise some self control, for God sakes.
Remember people. What goes around comes around. Karma is a bitch. So pay it forward and act like a human being and not a wild animal when you use the bathroom and you'll improve the quality of life for people all over the world.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Sometimes you just can't win. You'll be playing a sweet George Michael sax riff (see video above) and mall security still doesn't appreciate it. Don't sweat it. Some people are just fools. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep playing unsolicited saxophone solos at public places. Stay true to yourself....and you'll always be happy. You might go to jail but you'll always be happy. Unless your cellmate hasn't had the company of a woman in awhile. Then you might not be so happy. But otherwise, yeah, pretty happy.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Pop quiz, Hotshot. What looks like urine but tastes just as bad? Did you guess urine? You did? Why would you guess urine? I just said it looks like urine, I didn't say it was urine. Geez, you need to pay better attention.
Let's try this again. What looks like urine but tastes just as bad? Did you guess motor oil? Jesus. What's wrong with you. Why on earth are you able to compare the taste of motor oil AND urine? Did you drink both? Please, oh please seek professional help.
Anyway, Weirdo......The correct answer was "Bud Select." I know this could get me shot in the south, but I'm going to say it anyway. Mass produced American beer sucks. It's watery and it all tastes the same. Studies have even been conducted that prove the average person who prefers one of the major three beers (Coors, Bud, Miller) can't even identify which beer is his favorite in a blind taste test.
So what the hell do you think is going to happen when you reduce the calories in one of these watered down beers? It's going to be more watered down. What are you left with? Bud Select. 55 calories. Wow. Great. So I'm not buzzed, the drink tastes lousy and I still consumed 55 calories. Why don't I drink something with a few more calories and enjoy myself. Or I could just not drink at all and not consume ANY calories.
Are you watching your weight? Then go exercise, you lazy bastard. You aren't going to get skinny drinking beer. So if you're going to drink, drink GOOD beer. Tasty beer. Alcoholic beer. But dear lord, please don't drink Bud Select. That is unless Bud Select decides to sponsor my blog, in which case you should drink a lot of it. But until that day, don't drink any Bud Select. Got it? Good!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Different cultures embrace different values and have different tastes. But there is one constant in every country. Teen Wolf is cool and teen wolves will always be popular in high school.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Today, my life changed when I heard the best advice of my life. And who gave it? Charlie Sheen. What did he say? "Stay off the crack, and I still think that's pretty good advice, unless you can manage it socially. If you can manage it socially, then go for it, but not a lot of people can, you know?" Amen, Charlie. Amen.
Scott's Tip Of The Day: What's worse than being voted the worst teen celebrity role model? Give up? Causing your parents to get divorced!
Who'd do such a thing? Why it's Miley Cyrus, y'all! Poor Miley. She doesn't know what she's doing. You're a child celebrity. You're supposed to act cute while your parents capitalize on your fame and exploit you for your money. Don't you know the rules? Michael Jackson, Gary Coleman and Lindsay Lohan all did it. You should follow their example. Instead you're smoking drugs from a bong and ruining your parents' marriage. Shame on you, Miley. Do you think you can just do whatever you want? Well you can't. And that's why I'm calling up Silvio Berlusconi and canceling that sexy date I set up for you. You don't deserve it!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Restoring a public park can benefit the surrounding community in a variety of ways. Not only does it look aesthetically pleasing, but it can increase property values as well. Sometimes there are even unintended benefits. For instance, maybe your park is so beautiful that porn directors feel compelled to film adult movies there. That happened on Miami Beach Island recently where RealityKings decided to film their latest picture. You can read about it here.
Personally, I find this abhorrent. No, not because of the sex in public. Mostly because the plot line sounds especially weak. Random sex in a park? Eh. Every good porn plot revolves around a pool boy, pizza man, plumber or other service guy. They come to the house with the intention of just conducting some routine repairs and then boom, suddenly you've got some sexy time going on. Ohhhh yeahhhh. How can you work any of these characters into sex in a park? It would be totally contrived. Mark my words, this film will not any adult film awards. Sorry, RealityKings. I'm getting more porn fix elsewhere.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Do you ever wish you had eyes in the back of your head? How about a camera? An NYU professor installed a camera in the back of his head for a "performance project." It was causing too much pain though and had to be removed. You can read about it here.
I guess merely wearing a camera backwards on top of his head wouldn't have accomplished the same objective (which was to presumably look like a freak). This professor HAD to surgically implant a foreign electronic object in the back of his head, in the name of art. 99% of the world doesn't buy your justification, Professor. You can't just do whatever you want and claim it's art. I learned this the hard way. I pooped on my desk at work and attempted to justify it by saying 1)it was an art installation and 2)I did it during my lunch break so I didn't waste company time. Although I'm still convinced my colleagues admired my work, I was reprimanded. I've been going to intense therapy three times a week ever since.
The worst part of all this is these college students are paying over $40,000 a year for the privilege of studying at NYU. They take four or five classes a semester and one of them is this class. If they carry five classes a semester and this class is only a semester long, that's $40,000 divided by 2, then divided by 5. That equals $4,000. $4,000 to learn from a man who thinks installing a camera in his head is a good idea. A homeless man could teach you more constructive things for a lot less money. Things like panhandling, graceful ways to die in abandoned warehouse fires, pickpocketing and where to find really good cardboard boxes to sleep on.
So if you're feeling bored, forget about installing unnecessary electronic equipment in your body. Get homeless lessons from a hobo instead.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: According to a recent article in the Washington Post, "Dozens of breast-feeding women plan to descend on the Hirshhorn Museum on Saturday for a 'nurse-in' to highlight their federally protected right to nourish their babies in public."
Hey ladies. No one wants to see you breastfeed your kids in public. You've got it rough. I get that. You've been sitting at home watching your housekeeper change diapers. Exhausting. You've spent all day complaining about how the expensive gym membership is even though you never go. Watching all of that daytime TV is grueling too. Lets not forget how you are calling your husband every ten minutes because you are bored out of your mind. BTW, you should probably cut down on that, you're going to get him fired.)
So, yeah. It's hard. You (barely) take care of your child and you don't have as much time to sit around the country club and flirt with fitness instructors and pool boys. You feel lonely and you need attention. So you think it's a good idea to go to a museum and breast feed your kid with 190 other militant feminists. That's a great solution. You're going to be really popular after that. Do you think your baby is going to be proud of you when he grows up and finds out you did this? Do you think your husband is going to have any incentive to stop sleeping with his executive assistant when he hears how nuts you've gone? No! So calm down. Your hormones are driving you crazy. Get out the Ben & Jerry's. Put your fat pants on. Have a seat on the couch. Plug your VCR in, go find your Beaches VHS, watch some Bette Midler and have a good cry. But don't breast feed in public. You're just embarrassing yourself.
Scott's Tip Of The Day: As you are probably well aware, Tibet is a taboo subject in China. In fact, Groupon's Superbowl Ad, which poked fun at Tibetan cuisine, appears to have hurt its chances of bringing its service to the Chinese market. You can read about it here.
If a silly Superbowl ad causes controversy, you can imagine how much controversy the Dalai Lama causes when he advocates for Tibetan independence. If you're unfamiliar with the Dalai Lama, he's the spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhists. When he dies, he's reincarnated and Tibetan monks are sent out to find him in his new reincarnated body. The problem is that he's been exiled from Tibet for over 50 years and he doesn't want to be reincarnated in Communist China. He says he may choose to not reincarnate himself at all. Chinese officials are claiming that they'll ignore these wishes and choose his successor anyway. You can read about some of the controversy here.
Communist China and the Dalai Lama are never going to agree. And you know what? You guys have had a long time to come up with a solution. You guys can't play nice. So I'm going to do the only logical thing and preemptively decide who the next Dalai Lama will be. Since no one has decided the Dalai Lama's successor, I am going to do so right now and that will be that. Any further discussion on the matter will be moot and void.
So who is it going to be?
Pilot Inspektor. Yes. That's really someone's name. In fact it's Jason Lee's kid. You know. Jason Lee? The dude from My Name is Earl and Almost Famous. Yeah. He's a Scientologist. And he named his kid Pilot Inspektor. Unfortunately, this is not grounds for child abuse in California and the only way I could think of to get this kid out of the Lee residence is to name him the next Dalai Lama. So Pilot Inspektor. Please report to Dharamsala, India. Everyone is waiting for you.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Although I've mentioned in the past that I like flattery, I only really enjoy it when it's genuine. Call me crazy, but I get the feeling the Mumbai Female Escort Service that keeps leaving comments on my posts does not have any interest in the content of my blog. Don't bother searching for these comments. I've already deleted them.
So what kind of comments was I getting? Here are just a few that I deleted:
"I read this post. This post is very informative. The main aspect of this post is valuable information. After reading this post any one will get some very important points which are only helpful even precious also."
"This post is very unique in itself. Informations being provided by this post are really unique and valuable to the public.. The main aspect of this post is valuable information. I liked visiting this post. I must say that I am completely satisfied."
"The post has very informative matter. It's having very nice information. It is showing great creativity. I have spent a long time to find such a post. All aspects of this post are perfect. It's nice experience to read it. All matter of this post is great. I got many information and some important tips with the help of this post. I would like to visit again"
Wow. Didn't somebody once say the best kind of praise is the kind in broken English? No? No one said that? Sorry. My mistake. Regardless, I think you can see a common theme here. My informations is informative and even precious too. Furthermore, you can get many information from my blog. While this may be the case, I think that goes without saying.
I know I'm giving up a ton of Indian street cred by rejecting these comments. I probably blew my only chance to be a slumdog millionaire. But If I'm going to support businesses that exploit women and their bodies, you can be damn sure I'm going to at least support domestic ones. What with the economy and all. Hasn't India taken enough American jobs? Now they are trying to take our hookers' jobs too. Sorry. Did I say hookers? I meant escorts. There is a big difference you know (approximately 200 American dollars). I'm American dammit! And proud of it! Don't tread on me. Take your Indian call girls and scram. You're not welcome on my blog anymore!
Comments, questions, concerns? email@example.com. Hit me up and I'll hit you back.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you've been married awhile and you think it's time to start a family. Or maybe you want to start a family but you aren't married. You're a progressive couple who doesn't believe in institutions like marriage, religion, the banking system or anything that could possibly be construed as sensible. Perhaps you're a unhinged, social deviant in her early 40s who wants to inseminate herself with seed from a sperm bank because no guy you date can accept the fact you own eight cats that roam freely throughout your 600 square foot apartment. Whatever the case, you've reached that point where you want to bring a bundle of joy into your life. You want to spend over a million dollars raising a child that will constantly disappoint you and never live up to your expectations. Well then, you are in luck. I'll help you out.
Ugh! No! That's gross. That's not what I meant. I'm not going to help you conceive a baby. Look at yourself. You're hideous. I'm way out of your league. What I can do is point you to this study, however(click here). According to the NY Post,
"A study of 229 Israeli women undergoing in-vitro fertilization (IVF) to treat infertility received 15-minute visit from a trained "medical clown" immediately after the embryos were implanted. The success rate ballooned to 36%, compared with 20% for women who weren't given the silly treatment."
You know what this means? Hanging out with a "medical clown" boosts your chances of a successful in-vitro fertilization procedure by 16%! What they failed to disclose in this study is it also increases your chances of panic attack, date rape, extreme depression, uncontrollable sweating and a general feeling of unease by 50%.
Those are the facts. I can't make that kind of stuff up. If you want a baby, get a clown involved. A medical clown. And all of your dreams will come true. The world is yours.
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Do you like to speculate about the future? Do you like to fart? Well stay away from Malawi because a bill is about to be presented in Parliament banning fortune telling and farting. You can read about it here.
I was always under the impression that Africa had bigger problems. Malaria. AIDS Starvation. Violence. Those tribeswomen with the rings around their neck. And perhaps the most tragic of all: poor kids in the street listening to Thriller because they think that's the new coolest thing to come out of America. That was 30 years ago! Can't you at least try to get with the times? Can't you take at least a tiny step forward in time and start listening to A-Ha or Duran Duran? If you're unwilling to cooperate I'm going to take away your giant ball of electrical tape. The one you've been using as a soccer ball. Never mind. I'm not that cruel. But I will take away your 2008 Patriots Superbowl champion shirt.
I think given these circumstances it would be in everyone's best interests to just cross Malawi off your travel list. Why travel somewhere you can't fart? While you're at it add Egypt, North Korea, Iran, Afghanistan, Iraq, the Jersey Shore and Staten Island. I would leave these places off your travel list until it is safe to travel to them or their tourism boards buy advertising space on my blog.
Any questions, comments or concerns? The (juris) doctor is in. I'll help you out. I'll set you straight. I'll fix you up. Dating advice? No problem. Moral quandary? Talk to me. Weird growth on your chin? Uhhh better see a real doctor for that one. firstname.lastname@example.org. I look forward to hearing from you. (Unless you are my long lost uncle from Nigeria who suddenly died and left me $1,000,000.)
Friday, January 28, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: It's true. I received another blog award. This time it's from Kara Hoag at Visions Unto Myself. Thanks Kara. I appreciate your support. You're a stand-up gal. If this was 1951, I'd even call you swell. I might even call you the bee's knees. But it's 2011. That jargon's out. Times have changed. Kids these days are all about the hip-hop, the dubstep and the date rape. So I'll just call you "solid" (in a completely unironic way) and we'll call it a day. Just, er, one thing, Kara. Despite my gratitude, I do have a bone to pick with you...
On your list of blogs to check out I am listed 4th. 4th? C'mon. Commmmeee ahhhnnnnn. That's not even a bronze medal. If I finished 4th in an Olympic race I wouldn't even make the podium. They wouldn't even raise my flag. I'd be standing on the sidelines with my head in my hands as they played the Qatar national anthem. Qatar, Kara, Qatar!!!! How did someone in Qatar come in first in anything? Because of you, Kara. Because of you.
I would have to break into the Olympic Laboratory and contaminate the Bronze medalist's blood in order to disqualify him and get the medal months later. Have I really sunk so low? How could you do this to me!
Even still I wouldn't get to stand on the podium. All I ever wanted to do was stand on that podium, Kara. The closest I ever got was standing on the bima in synagogue. And that's not the same. It's not the same at all. But that's the closest most Jews ever get to an Olympic podium. (The big exception is Mark Spitz, who not only won seven gold medals in the 1972 summer olympics, but also had a really sweet mustache.)
Now I realize you had nothing to do with my athletic shortcomings, Kara. That was God. Apparently the chosen people just weren't meant to run very fast. If the Jews could run fast then maybe they wouldn't have spent 40 years wandering around in the desert. But I digress. You kept me from the bronze medal in the 2008 Beijing Olympics. In fact, I didn't even qualify at all. You could have at least assisted me in qualifying instead of squandering my Olympic talent. I'm 28 now. My small window to compete in the Olympics has basically closed. And now I came in 4th on your list of favorite blogs. Well, I appreciate getting on your list of fav blogs at all. I can forgive that. But the Olympics? Why!? Why!?
So where am I going with this? Don't set your sights too high. Bronze is good enough. Go bronze or go home.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Oh, it pains me so. But I owe it to you guys to be upfront. The world's going to end... and sooner than you think. When? 2012. Now I know what you're thinking... "Scott, that's a whole lot of Mayan bullshit." But you know what? This time it's serious. This is coming straight from George Lucas. You can read about it here.
George Lucas. Once upon a time you were an intelligent man. American Graffiti. The original Star Wars trilogy. Raiders of the Lost Ark, Temple of Doom and The Last Crusade. Wow. You should have called it a career after that. You had to make new Star Wars movies, didn't you? You had to create a character called Jar Jar Binks? You had to ruin the Indiana Jones franchise by adding aliens into the mix? Look what you've done! You've ruined everything good from my childhood. And now you're trying to convince me that the world ends in 2012? You know what? Good. Now I don't have to watch another one of your disappointing movies.
I hate you George Lucas! I am boycotting any of your future work. And to all of you readers out there....you should too!
Questions? Comments? Concerns? Want to advertise? Want to antagonize? email me at email@example.com and I'll address all of your queries.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: It should go without saying that you're not really being a good boyfriend when you punch your girlfriend in the vagina. Well, if you watch the youtube video above you will see that it apparently didn't go without saying. So guys... don't punch your girlfriend in the vagina.... or anywhere else for that matter. OK?
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: According to the Red Cross, every 2 seconds someone needs a blood transfusion. Who is this "someone?" Isn't it strange the Red Cross is dedicating the majority of its resources to one anonymous person who needs 30 blood transfusions a minute? Isn't this a waste of resources? How is this person going through his blood so quickly?
I think if I'm giving the blood I should call the shots. It should be up to me where my blood goes. (No vampires please.) I want to see a profile and picture (no uglies) of everyone who needs my blood. I'll decide who it goes to. It's MY blood. No convicted felons, anti-Semites, Scientologists, goths, fans of Desperate Housewives, socialists, members of the Michigan Militia, Somalian pirates, the entire Arquette family (except Patricia, she's ok....I guess), Bob Jones University students, or people who weigh over 400 pounds.
If you fit this criteria and you have A+ blood, hit me up at firstname.lastname@example.org. I'll send you a ziplock bag full of my blood in return for gold, silver or other precious metals. If you're lucky I will some include bonus alcohol, already in the blood (assembly not required). Aren't I a good guy?
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Today I received the following email in my inbox:
Hi from England (Although I'm not certain how much of the British population are with me on this one) ,ive just discovered your blog site, nice work by the way its nice to see someone blogging stories that are going to lighten peoples days up a little bit. Any way i have just one question to ask and that's how to start a blog site up and keep it fresh and interesting like yours? Any tips or advice would be appreciated.
Thanks for the kind words. Starting a blog is easy. You can go to wordpress.com or blogger.com and they have all of the tools to get you set up pretty much immediately. Doing something creative with the blog and keeping it fresh....that's the hard part.
What do you like to do? What are you into? Curling? GI Joes? Blumpkins? What are you knowledgeable about? Sports? Redheads? NAMBLA? Are there any topics you like to discuss at great length? You have to pick a topic or a theme. It can be as simple or complicated as you want. You can talk about your day in your posts or you can analyze the working forces in the global economy. Whatever you decide to write about, pick a consistent theme and stick to it. It's easier to build a fan base when they know what to expect from you. If you're all over the place, you won't get people returning to read your blog on a regular basis.
Keeping it fresh....I don't know what to tell you there. It will definitely depend on what direction you decide to take your blog. Where do thoughts come from? Where do ideas come from? The voices inside your head? I don't know. I write about random thoughts I have during the day. Sometimes these occur to me out of nowhere. Other times when I'm reading the news. You have to find your inspiration somewhere. Maybe try drugs? Lots of drugs? Sweet, wonderful, beautiful drugs?
Probably the best advice I can give is just do what you find interesting. Do something that's going to keep you engaged for a long time. Then you'll have the best chance at success. Good luck with your blog! I wish you the best.
If you guys have any other questions feel free to hit me up at email@example.com. I look forward to hearing from you.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: I'm back. Did you miss me? I had a fun vacation and now it's back to work. Back to the grind. Back in the saddle again. Oh well. Only another 300 something days until next Christmas, right?
Did you drink a lot on New Years? Do you drink a lot all the time? Has it become a problem? Police in Essex UK are considering establishing a "Wet Zone" for problematic drunks so they don't bother the rest of the population. You can read about it here. This seems like an ill-advised plan. You know what's a better way to take care of problematic drunks? Fines. Rehab. Jail. Stun gunning them. Public floggings. Broadcasting these people's indiscretions on COPS. Rewarding drunks for their bad behavior won't fix any problems