Friday, January 28, 2011
First Award of 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: It's true. I received another blog award. This time it's from Kara Hoag at Visions Unto Myself. Thanks Kara. I appreciate your support. You're a stand-up gal. If this was 1951, I'd even call you swell. I might even call you the bee's knees. But it's 2011. That jargon's out. Times have changed. Kids these days are all about the hip-hop, the dubstep and the date rape. So I'll just call you "solid" (in a completely unironic way) and we'll call it a day. Just, er, one thing, Kara. Despite my gratitude, I do have a bone to pick with you...
On your list of blogs to check out I am listed 4th. 4th? C'mon. Commmmeee ahhhnnnnn. That's not even a bronze medal. If I finished 4th in an Olympic race I wouldn't even make the podium. They wouldn't even raise my flag. I'd be standing on the sidelines with my head in my hands as they played the Qatar national anthem. Qatar, Kara, Qatar!!!! How did someone in Qatar come in first in anything? Because of you, Kara. Because of you.
I would have to break into the Olympic Laboratory and contaminate the Bronze medalist's blood in order to disqualify him and get the medal months later. Have I really sunk so low? How could you do this to me!
Even still I wouldn't get to stand on the podium. All I ever wanted to do was stand on that podium, Kara. The closest I ever got was standing on the bima in synagogue. And that's not the same. It's not the same at all. But that's the closest most Jews ever get to an Olympic podium. (The big exception is Mark Spitz, who not only won seven gold medals in the 1972 summer olympics, but also had a really sweet mustache.)
Now I realize you had nothing to do with my athletic shortcomings, Kara. That was God. Apparently the chosen people just weren't meant to run very fast. If the Jews could run fast then maybe they wouldn't have spent 40 years wandering around in the desert. But I digress. You kept me from the bronze medal in the 2008 Beijing Olympics. In fact, I didn't even qualify at all. You could have at least assisted me in qualifying instead of squandering my Olympic talent. I'm 28 now. My small window to compete in the Olympics has basically closed. And now I came in 4th on your list of favorite blogs. Well, I appreciate getting on your list of fav blogs at all. I can forgive that. But the Olympics? Why!? Why!?
So where am I going with this? Don't set your sights too high. Bronze is good enough. Go bronze or go home.