Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Well it turns out that Abercrombie & Fitch are paying Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino to not wear their clothes. You can read about it here. Abercrombie does not want Mike ruining their image. I thought this might be a good opportunity for me to capitalize on this information. Today I wrote a letter to Abercrombie:
I recently read in the Chicago Tribune (http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/breaking/chi-abercrombie-to-pay-jersey-shore-cast-to-stop-wearing-its-clothes-20110817,0,3357772.story) about how your company is paying Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino to NOT wear Abercrombie & Fitch clothing. You're worried his association with your clothing line may damage your image. While I find this hard to believe, especially since your quarterly catalog is racier than an issue of Playboy, I think I understand where you're coming from.
I am a celebrity too. I am the writer of Scott's Tip Of The Day, which has won numerous awards including Blogger's "Blog of Note" award. You can check it out at http://scottstipoftheday.blogspot.com. I command a great deal of influence over your target demographic. Little kids trust me. Teenagers think I'm bomb. Baby boomers think I'm witty. (The elderly are generally unaware of what's happening, on the internet or otherwise, so let's forget about them for now.) I also wear Abercrombie & Fitch all the time.
I would argue that I am an even more reprehensible character than Mike Sorrentino. I borrow money from my friends and never pay them back. I commit to plans and flake at the last minute. I take more toilet paper than necessary when using public restrooms. I never tip. I give tourists wrong directions. I drive slow in the passing lane. I cut you in line even though I have no idea what you are standing in line for. I go into McDonalds without purchasing any items. I just take all of their ketchup and mustard. Then I throw it all away in the dumpster behind the restaurant.
I don't cover my mouth when I yawn, I certainly don't cover it when I cough and covering my nose when I sneeze is a concept completely foreign to me. I eat massive quantities of beans and then go to funerals, just to break wind. I contract contagious diseases and walk through public places. I steal my cable from my neighbor and purchase Pay Per View shows regularly. I call into public access television shows only to insult the host.
Sometimes I lay for days in the Chuck E Cheese's ball pit...waiting...waiting to scare the living daylights out of the most emotionally fragile child I can find. I work out at the gym, but I never wipe the equipment down afterwards. I drive through Amish country handing Nintendo Gameboys to all of the children. I break into Hassidic Jews' houses at night and shave their beards. I fly down to the rain forrest once a year, just to chop it down. I take any opportunity I can to destroy the ozone layer. I fall on priceless works of art in museums and "accidentally" damage them. Kim Jong-Il, Hugo Chavez, Muammar Gaddafi and Fidel Castro are my only Facebook friends.
As you can see, I am quite possibly the worst person on earth. I assure you, you do not want me wearing your clothes, coming near your stores, or even leaving my house. I am a much worse person than Mike Sorrentino. As such, I feel I should be compensated, or I will continue to wear Abercrombie & Fitch clothing. Please let me know when you are ready to send me my first payment. Thank you.
I will let you know if they respond. Until then, my only advice is don't be like me. Farting at funerals is no way to be.