Midgets

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Conversing with a midget for more than five minutes at a time without offending him is almost a futile endeavor. Nonetheless, I figured it would be prudent to advise you on some common pitfalls I have encountered over the years while talking to my little friends..

RULE NUMBER 1: Midgets don't like to be called "midgets". They preferred to be called "little people". You may think "little people" sounds more demeaning than "midgets." You wouldn't be the only one. Midgets also don't like to be called leprechauns, dwarfs, hell spawns, midge(s), lawn jockeys, baby people, God's little mistakes or elves.

RULE NUMBER 2: Midget tossing must be consensual between the tosser and the tossee. Putting roofies or GHB in a midget's drink to soften him up to the idea of getting tossed is just as bad as date rape.

RULE NUMBER 3: Asking a midget if he has a tiny penis is not appropriate conversation. It's an interesting question, that's for sure, but social norms dictate this subject matter is off limits. Similarly, asking a midget about his pot of gold, magical powers and/or requesting free Keebler baked goods is bound to provoke a hostile reaction.