Wednesday, February 3, 2010

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 3

Scott's Tip Of The Day: From time to time I get feedback from my readers. I like feedback. I like questions. Email me anytime ( I received the following email today:

I am in a bit of a pickle. I'm only a few months away from being engaged to my long time boyfriend. But he isn't the problem. My family is. I only like 39% of them (I did the math). And that's probably about the same who actually likes me. I can't stand them. I'm the weird black sheep.
So what's a girl to do? It's a big family, and we're all used to two-three day events, with the wedding reception being full of booze and drunk, alcoholic uncles trying to pick up the several thousand dollar bar tab.
I have no friends to speak of, and I feel obligated to have my older sister as a bridesmaid, who talks to me like I'm one of her patients and she's trying to go all Shrink on me.

Oh, Scott. I'm sure you know little on the matters of women on their wedding day, and I'm not even engaged yet, but my family is making me dread the whole affair.

Maybe I'll just move to Australia....But the spiders would freak me out.

All the best from your freak fan,
Pickles, Howard, Missouri (Not my real name, obviously)


I am sorry to hear you're stressed out. In the past two years I have been to seven weddings, so I can understand what you're going through. These weddings are a big hooplah. It sounds like you have two issues issues here
-your sister
-your alcoholic family, most of which you don't like.

As far as your sister goes, it sounds like she's really annoying. A real Debbie Downer. You have a few options here. The first option is to tell her to stop acting like a know-it-all bitch or you won't let her be your bridesmaid. Tell her you're prepared to go bridesmaidless if necessary. Tell her if it comes down to your neighbor's dog and her, the neighbor's dog will probably win, assuming you can find a suitable dress for the dog.

Your second option is to fight fire with fire. Anytime she expresses an opinion on anything, you should quote articles that don't exist to contradict her. For instance, if she says "I told you not to park in that handicapped spot, I knew you were going to get a ticket," you can reply "I guess you didn't read that article in the Economist last month that discussed a study conducted by Swiss statisticians. It demonstrated that able-bodied women who park in handicapped parking spaces are 99% likely to have a bitchy sister that doesn't know when to shut the f**k up."

Now, lets tackle that annoying family problem....
Everybody has an annoying family. You are not the only one. The average person's family is comprised of 20%-60% annoying people. I know this because I read that in a study, conducted by Swiss statisticians, that was published in the Economist last month. You are not alone. The question is how do you deal with it? There is only one solution to this problem.

If you drink as much as they do, you won't care what's going on. Wait until all of your wedding pictures are taken and then drink a bottle of vodka. You will black out. You won't remember much but when you look back at your pictures you will say Wow, I look great, this was a fun time. You won't even remember hunching over on the dance floor and hurling on Jerry, your six-year-old nephew. He will remember. He will never forgive you. But you didn't ask me how to keep from upsetting little Jerry, you asked me how to get through your wedding. As always, I delivered. Good luck to you, Pickles. Mazel Tov!!!!


Anonymous said...

lol. I'll have to try that article thing out with my sister. I think it's something that'll work for her. She's such a know-it-all bitch.

And trust me, there is NOTHING tackier than a drunk bride. My cousin got married last summer and my cousin, his wife and their wedding party were **WASTED** by the time they got into the limo after the ceremony. Also, I'm a cheap drunk.

You're right, everyone has an annoying family. Mine just feels so full with (loud) uncles and cousins that you can't seem to turn around without seeing someone you deeply loathe, but that's the joy of families, I suppose! Oh, Scott. You are right, as always.

I guess the upside is I'll have traumatized little Jerry enough to never have a drop of liquor in his entire life. So there's that.

Anonymous said...

My cousin is getting married at the end of the year (allegedly) and I am NOT looking forward to it! I'm also a black sheep, and I think I'm old enough to choose not to go. There is not a word strong enough in this or any other world to describe the hate I feel for the brother of the cousin in question and I'd rather save myself the angry tears and humiliation and passive aggressiveness. So I feel your pain.

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