Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Can't Get Jack Black? How About Tyler Labine?

Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you're a movie producer. But your studio has hit some hard times. You don't have the money to pay big name actors, but you need someone for your new movie. What kind of movie are you looking to make?

Not too many people are as funny as Jack Black. Unfortunately he has been in a bunch of movies and would probably command a modest salary. Who can you hire that looks just as disheveled as Jack Black and has a complete disregard for eating healthy. How about Tyler Labine? He isn't funny, no one knows who he is and you could probably hire him for $10 and all of the Marlboro lights he can smoke. Maybe, just maybe, if you are lucky, someone with 20/200 vision will think he is Jack Black when they forget to bring their glasses to the movies. Yeah. I know. I just saved you a few million dollars!

Despite his substance abuse problems, his old age (by Hollywood standards) and his erratic behavior, Nick Nolte is still a recognizable name in Hollywood. He might be too expensive to put in your drama. Where are you going to find another actor who looks like Nick Nolte and also exhibits bizarre behavior? How about Gary Busey! Gary Busey. The poor man's Nick Nolte since 1986.

Kermit the Frog. That name has some real cache. He was just a frog until Jim Henson came along. Now he's one of the biggest party animals (no pun intended) in Hollywood. Paris Hilton. Lindsay Lohan. What celebrity hasn't he slept with? From rags to riches. From the Louisiana bayou to Beverly Hills. Kermit the Frog is truly a Hollywood success story. Unfortunately, his contractual demands have become ridiculous. He won't do a film unless you offer a part to Fozzy Bear too. He can be reclusive and ignore his costars when the camera isn't filming. It's also rumored he has developed a serious ibogaine addiction. How are you going to pack the kids into your movie if Kermit isn't in it? Easy. Use a green sock puppet instead. You can get a homeless person to operate the puppet and just pay him in leftovers from the Kraft Services table. Kids are stupid. Kids don't care. You don't even need a plot. You just need characters that talk in funny voices. Sure, the parents will get bored, but who cares about the parents? If the kids scream to see a movie, their parents will take them just to shut them up. Forget Kermit. Hire the sock puppet instead

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