Exotic Dancing

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Strippers do an impressive job of rationalizing their "craft." "I only strip so I can make enough money to go to school. I only strip to feed my baby...the baby I had with one of the patrons at the strip club. I don't strip, I'm an exotic dancer." Oh! Excuse me! An exotic dancer! I thought an exotic dance was the tango. Apparently exotic dancing is hanging on a pole, taking your clothes off and dancing to Pour Some Sugar On Me. How is that exotic? You come from an American blue collar working class family! The only thing exotic is that Chinese tattoo on your ass. Can't you find girls like this anywhere in America? Any fraternity house at 3AM? There's no such thing as exotic dancers. They are all just strippers!

Oprah Knows Best

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Oprah knows everything. She knows what books you should read, what food you should eat and what celebrities to idolize. Failure to follow Oprah's advice may lead to Oprah eating you whole.

Yankees Front Office

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Charging $1,250 a seat and $10 a beer is not a good way to boost your attendance or keep your loyal fans happy. Similarly, passing out magnetic schedules to the first 18,000 fans in attendance is not a good way to lure fans to a game. "Wow, they gave me a magnetic schedule! Now I can see the schedule of all the games I can't afford to attend this season. Awesome!"

Questions, Comments, Concerns?

Do you want to ask the all-knowing Scott a question? Anything been bothering you lately? Are you trying to impress your boss at work? Are you trying to evade those aliens who keep kidnapping you and probing you? Are you concerned the aliens, who have been kidnapping and probing you, aren't really aliens at all? That perhaps they're your uncle Larry and his friends? Well then shoot Scott an email. ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. I will answer your questions and straighten you out!

Selena Roberts

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Are you thinking about becoming an investigative journalist? Well, now it's easier than ever. In the past, journalists who wrote books or articles named the sources they used for information. Sure, not everyone was named. It took over 30 years to uncover Deep Throat's identity. But Deep Throat provided verifiable information.

Today Selena Roberts releases her book, The Many Lives of Alex Rodriguez. She includes allegations from unnamed sources that say A-Rod tipped pitches to members of opposing teams in hopes they would return the favor and tip pitches back to him, when he was at bat. Roberts also claims A-Rod has been using steroids since he was in high school.

Since Roberts doesn't deem it necessary to name sources, I am going to follow her lead. Incidentally, I talked to some unnamed sources and dug up some information on Selena Roberts.

-According to an anonymous source, Selena Roberts was artificially inseminated with sperm from a giraffe. She then secretly bore a half human-half giraffe baby in the San Diego Zoo. The freak baby's whereabouts are currently unknown, but it is suspected she sold the baby to Osama Bin Laden, who then raised the child as his own. This child is currently fighting in the war in Afghanistan

-According to an anonymous source, Selena Roberts gave a blumpkin to an unnamed New York City homeless man on several occasions between April 20th, 2009 and April 29th 2009.

-According to an anonymous source, Selena Roberts broke into the maternity ward in Mount Sinai hospital, in New York City and then picked up every baby she could find. She then dropped every baby in the maternity ward on the ground, before she exited. She left no evidence behind.

So what's the lesson here? If you can't substantiate rumors and hearsay just attribute it to an anonymous source!

Searching for Bobby Fischer

Scott's Tip Of The Day: The most disappointing part of the movie, Searching for Bobby Fischer, was that the protagonist didn't even bother looking for Bobby Fischer. He spent the whole movie playing Chess! He didn't look in the closet, or under the bed or anything. Needless to say, I found the movie extremely disappointing and kind of a let down. I wouldn't recommend renting it. You're better off just reading a book.

Fat People - Scott's Eighth Letter

Dear Oh Noble Scottimus,
Is it politically incorrect to call the new girl in my office fat? I will provide you with an example--- 'the new girl in the office is that fat ginger girl who drinks all the tea'? Thanks!

M-Germany


M,

I am honored by your display of deference. Most people don't recognize my claim to nobility. This probably stems from the fact, most people don't believe the man who knighted me, King Tomato, is a real King, much less a real person. I assure you however, that King Tomato is very real, and he will steal your face and squash your soul if you defy him or his authority over the Bearded Kingdom.

As for your question, it is generally accepted that insulting your colleague is a politically incorrect thing to do. But what is your state of mind? Are you maliciously calling your colleague fat? Is it really an insult? Or, are you calling her fat as a way of bringing to her attention the fact she is overweight, in an attempt to encourage her to drop some pounds? Maybe you are trying to do her a favor. Maybe she doesn't realize she is fat? Maybe no one ever told her that she is fat and she doesn't know what the word "fat" means. Maybe she doesn't know that being fat is taboo in our society? In a situation such as this, it is your DUTY to call her fat.

Additionally, "that fat ginger girl" appears to be drinking all of the tea in your office. Relationships with your friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances are governed by a state of informal social checks and balances. If no one checks her rude behavior, it will continue. In order to bring peace back to your office, it will be necessary to put her in her place. Is it possible your actions won't be appreciated by anyone in your office? Yes. Could it be politically incorrect? Maybe. But. does that mean you did the wrong thing? No. Sometimes it is necessary to be politically incorrect.

When Mel Gibson was pulled over for drunk driving in L.A, he eventually had to deal with a female station sergeant. Through the course of conversation (and somewhere in between a slew of inexplicable anti-semetic remarks) Mel called the officer "sugar tits." Did the officer appreciate this? No. Was it politically correct? Maybe. Maybe not. But, maybe it needed to be said! Maybe her tits were covered in such inordinate amounts of confectionery sugar, it would have been a crime not to call attention to it? Unfortunately, Mel's dispicable anti-semetic remarks overshadowed this, and we will never know.

So M, is it politically incorrect to call a ginger fat? Maybe. But should political corectness matter? No. Sometimes other factors outweigh political correctness. In this case I think it's necessary to call that fat bitch out. First thing Monday morning you go into your office and you call that tea hoarding ginger a fat skank. Don't worry about any negative consequences. King Tomato offers you his protection.

You are welcome to write back with more questions, M. Anyone else who has a question for "Oh Noble Scottimus" please email me at ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. I will answer any question, no matter how bizarre. Until the next time...