Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Here's to you Arnold Schwarzuh.....nager? negger? I'm 27-years-old and I still can't write your name correctly without looking it up. Why couldn't you have gotten one of those easy Hollywood names? Arnie Shwarz!! Anyway, I digress. This post is dedicated to you Arnie. I tip my hat to you. You clearly have a good sense of humor. My tip of the day to the rest of you is to go out and watch an Arnold Schwarz........ movie. Commando. T2. Whatever. Since he left acting no one has really been able to fill his shoes. Sorry Dwayne Johnson and Vin Diesel. Also, for a good laugh, check out the Arnold Soundboard. I had some good times in College pranking people with it.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Breaking your Netflix DVD before returning it is not a cool thing to do. Some of us like to watch those movies. But we can't. Cause you broke it. How did you scratch the DVD that deep? How did you smash it into all of those little pieces. You know how badly I wanted to watch that movie? You ruined my weekend. Was it you Mr. Postman? Maybe you need a satchel from this century. Yeah, your standard issue 1988 Postman satchel isn't cutting it anymore. So buy a new one.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you wreck your parents' stuff (stuff includes, but is not limited to bizarre homemade weather balloons), the attic is a great place to hide until the situation blows over.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Ever see Field of Dreams? It's a classic. I guess. Honestly, I never really got into all of the hoopla. I couldn't get past how unrealistic it was.
SCOTT'S PROBLEMS WITH FIELD OF DREAMS
1)In real life if you were to tell anyone, whether they are a relative or a stranger, that you have voices inside your head, you would be sent to a psychiatrist and be put on medicine for schizophrenia. You would not be encouraged to listen to those voices.
2)James Earl Jones played Terrence Mann, a recluse author in the film. Kevin Costner's character, Ray Kinsella, befriended him about halfway through the movie. For a good 10 minutes toward the end of the movie, Mann sat around listening to Kinsella's brother in law talk about foreclosing on Ray's house. Terrence Mann was a Pulitzer prize winner, and presumably a millionaire. In real life Mann would have helped Kinsella out. He wouldn't have just sat there watching ghosts play baseball, ignoring the whole conversation. "Shhhhhh. Stop talking about foreclosing on the house. I'm tryin' to watch some ghost baseball over here!"
3)At the end of the film, cars drive from all over to watch the ghosts play baseball in an Iowa cornfield. Did you see that row of cars driving to the field? Totally unrealistic. There was definitely not enough parking for all of these people, not to mention nowhere for them to sit. What about snacks? Beers? If Kinsella is trying to pay off his overdue mortgage, the real moneymaker would be beer, wouldn't it? Who is going to keep track of all of the people? He had no admission gates constructed, people could just walk right in and say they paid. Also, was Kinsella's property zoned for ghost baseball games? He didn't even check with town hall about that. "Excuse me, I am in town hall, right? Could you please direct me to the person who could best answer my questions on ghost baseball zoning?"
Don't buy into Field of Dreams. It makes no sense. You know what makes sense? Turning the TV off the next time it comes on and reading a book instead. But you don't have to take my word for it.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Fight for what you believe. Stand your ground. Don't back down. Especially in prison. when someone threatens your freedom? You go after them! When someone has a different view of the economy than you. You shove 'em! Yeah, Bernie Madoff! And we all thought he was going to be the prison bitch. Think again people. Bernie Madoff will shove you into submission if you cross him, so think twice before provoking him.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Stay relevant. Don't fall into obscurity. When Mike Tyson was asked what he would do when he retired from boxing he replied "I guess I'll just fade into Bolivian." Don't fade into Bolivian. Don't fade into oblivion either. Hey, it could happen. What do I mean? Well take a look at these 10 stars. All had promising futures in entertainment and then fell off the map.
SCOTT'S TOP 10 HOLLYWOOD STARS THAT FADED INTO OBLIVIAN (or Bolivian)
10. Paul Hogan
Yes, Paul. I call that a knife. What else do you have to say for yourself? What? It's hard to understand what you're saying with that accent and all the Vegemite you're eating. Don't talk with food in your mouth! Anyway, are you surprised he fell off the map? He was a one trick pony. That being said, Crocodile Dundee was still an awesome movie and whenever I am flippin through the channels and I see that it's on, I always have to stop and watch it.
9. Ralph Macchio
You're nothing without Mr. Miyagi, Ralph. You couldn't even land a role as a stereotypical goomba in a Martin Scorsese movie... and you're the most Italian-American looking and sounding Motherf***er I have ever seen. What? What does an Italian-American sound like? Someone from New Jersey. You know I'm right.
8. Michael Winslow
You can rock an awesome Purple Haze, with nothing but a microphone. You can basically imitate any sound imaginable and even people unimpressed with your acting skills have to respect your talent. Why you couldn't make it out of the Police Academy series is beyond me.
7. Rick Moranis
On a serious note, I recently read that Moranis quit the film industry after his wife passed away from Cancer. He wanted to stay home and raise his children. In a world where it's become acceptable to jet set around the globe and leave your kid with a nanny 24-7, I have big respect for you for not takin' that approach, Rick.
6. Everyone From The Breakfast Club
Ally Sheedy, Emilio Estevez, Judd Nelson, Anthony Michael Hall, Molly Ringwald. What the hell happened to all of you? Although some of you were more talented than others, (IMHO, Anthony Michael Hall was the most talented of the lot), you all dropped off the grid. It's too bad. What do I have to look forward to now? Christmas? You know what I got for Christmas? Oh, it was a banner fucking year at the old Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said, "Hey, smoke up Johnny." Alright? So go home and cry to your Daddy. Don't cry here, okay?
5. Sean Young
She's a man!!! At least she was in Ace Ventura Pet Detective. Sean Young is living proof that erratic alcohol fueled behavior will eventually lead to your demise in Hollywood. Unless your name is Nick Nolte. Or Gary Busey. Or any other Hollywood celebrity that isn't Sean Young.
4. Judge Reinhold
As a kid, his name always confused me. Judge? Isn't that a profession? Nonetheless, you think his performances in Beverly Hills Cop and Fast Times at Ridgemont High would have kept people clamoring for more Judge. I guess not.
3. Charles Grodin
Charles. Chuck. Chaz. Where did you go, my man? If you're under 20-years-old, you probably never even heard of this guy. Before The Heartbreak Kid was a Ben Stiller movie, it was a Charles Grodin movie. And it was funny. And the humor wasn't wearing thin (hint, hint, Ben Stiller). I can't say I agree with your decision to act in the movie, Beethoven, but I guess you could rationalize that by saying "it's for the kids." Then again, a pedophile could probably rationalize his behavior with the same explanation.
2. Paul Reubens
Speaking of sexually deviant behavior....number two is Paul Reubens! Who would have guessed masturbating in a movie theater would have irreparably harmed his career? Not Paul, apparently.
1. O.J. Simpson
He was in the Towering Inferno. The Naked Gun. He was a great football player and not a bad actor. So why isn't he in movies anymore? Oh yeah, he "allegedly" murdered his wife and her boyfriend.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Miguel Cabrera, 1st baseman of the Detroit Tigers (and perennial fatass), showed up to work this past Sunday with a bruise and cut on his face. It later came out that he had been drinking the night before, came home to his wife, woke up his baby in a drunken stupor, and had a domestic altercation with his wife. Did I mention he had a .26 Blood Alcohol Level (BAL)? That's over three times the legal limit!
What did Tigers GM, Dave Dombrowski do? No, he didn't suspend him. He picked Cabrera up at the police station at 7:30AM the next day, so he would be able to play that night. The Tigers needed to win! They were in a tight pennant race! Except, Cabrera's BAL was so high at 7:30AM, even though he purged some of that alcohol from his system, he was still drunk when he showed up to the park that night to play (according to experts, at least).
Well guess what Tigers? You lost to the Minnesota Twins last night. You traded your morals for a chance at the pennant. But you gave up a three game lead in four games and now you're left with your d**k in your hand. So what's the moral of this story? If you work for a sports team, and one of your players gets arrested for a drunk domestic altercation, ensure he is going to take you to the playoffs before you pick him up at the police station.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you happen to be walking down the street to the gym, and you pass a fat middle-aged man in a t-shirt and underwear, and he starts yelling at you from his doorstep "Mistah, Mistah.....I just wanna be happy in America! I wanna be happy in America!" then the best thing to do is just keep walking and not make eye contact.
Yes... This really happened to me.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you're a dude, basically any Halloween costume will work. Just make sure it doesn't show any skin. People don't want to see you half naked. Trust me. I know you think your biceps are monstrous, but no one cares. The Clockwork Orange Guys. Harry Potter. Whatever. You can do anything. Just don't be sexy Harry Potter with the leather crotchless pants and you're fine. Sexy Harry Potter is an oxymoron anyway.
If you're an attractive lady, don't even think about putting together a Halloween costume that isn't a little sexy. It's necessary. It's tradition. Show some skin. HOWEVER, if you're a lady with rolls of fat, even if you have an attractive face, you are not allowed to put together a sexy Halloween costume. You should just stay home and hand out candy. Someone needs to, you know? And I just elected YOU to do it. No apples, please.
I'm strongly against the practice of dressing your dog up, but on Halloween it's OK to do so, if you must. Get your ya yas out because after Oct 31st, if your dog is wearing people's clothes, its just going to look like a tool. And if a dog looks like a tool, its owner looks like a tool too.
You can email me your grievances at email@example.com, and if I think there are some extenuating circumstances, I'll grant you permission to deviate from these rules, but otherwise, by reading this blog entry, you have hereby agreed to abide by them. Any violations of this aforementioned agreement shall result in ostracization.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Where will the Olympic Committee decide to hold the 2016 Summer Olympics? Will it be Rio De Janiero? Madrid? Tokyo? Chicago? As a red blooded American, I strongly endorse the Chicago bid. Sure, a lot of Chicago peeps don't want the Olympics. You'd have to be blind to not notice the protests. But think of all the cultural benefits to having the Olympics in Chicago. Tourists will be able to see Chicago youths beaten to death, firsthand. Hell, that should even be an Olympic event. So lets make our voices heard people. Lets give the Olympics to the city that clearly wants it the most....Rio De Jan....I mean Chicago.