2010 Questions/Answers Installment 2

Scott's Tip Of The Day: From time to time I get feedback from my readers. I like feedback. I like questions. Email me anytime (scottstipoftheday@gmail.com) I received the following email today:

Hi scott. I've been reading your blog for a while now, and it is a tremendous and humorous source of advice and insight. So I was wondering if you'd point me in the right direction with something.

I really hate my boss. I mean, really. But she seems to have it in her head we have this odd boss/employee friendship going on here, and personally, I cannot effing stand her! She's dumb as a stack of bricks, actually, scratch that. The bricks are useful. Well, she's the signer of my paychecks. But Scott, really? I can't stand her. I work with her more than anyone. I work in a cafe/bakery, and she has no right to be there. So I'm asking you, as someone who seems seasoned in the art of life and stuff in general: how the hell do I disengage my faux friendship with this piece of work and still keep my job and my boss off my back? I've been there 3 years, enjoy having a paycheck, enjoy having a job and most of all, enjoy when her nasty ill-tempered husband yells at her for ordering too much fake cake filling and makes her cry. Because that's pretty freaking sweet.

Surely you understand my desperation if I am seeking advice from a blogger. No offense.


Iris, NJ (But don't judge me on that)


Iris,

Thanks for the email and the kind words. I won't judge you on your New Jersey residency. Without New Jersey, we wouldn't have the Jersey shore. No fist pumping guidos (or guidettes). We'd have no rotten egg smells emanating from Newark and where would everyone from Staten Island go for bachlorette parties, if there was no Atlantic City? God Bless New Jersey. Anyway, let me address your question before I get too far off track...

You hate your boss and you work in close proximity to her. How do you turn a fake buddy-buddy relationship into an awkwardly silent, barely civil, boss-employee relationship? That's a good question.

You don't want to be fired so you can't be blatantly mean. You can't tell her to F*** off or shove it. I would recommend you start developing a lot of weird idiosyncrasies. Make her feel a little uncomfortable around you. For example, every time you see her coming towards you start repeating the word "jambalaya" over and over again. When your boss asks you "Why do you keep saying 'jambalaya,'" you have to say "Oh, what? I didn't say anything." I would also start meowing about four or five times an hour. Just go "meooowwwww" and start licking your hands like a cat. Pretend it's completely normal.

Another thing you could do is start cutting pictures out of newspapers. Then frame them and hang them up at work. When the boss asks who those people are you can say they are your family friends. When she inevitably remarks that the pictures look like they were cut out of the New york Times, get really offended and defensive and say that they are obviously Polaroids.

If you start behaving this erratically, your boss will probably be too frightened to talk to you and too frightened to fire you. You will be in the clear. Let me know how it goes, Iris!