Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Facebook Beta Testing

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Facebook is initiating a beta tester program to test new facebook features. In order to qualify, you have to fill out this application. Basically you have to come up with three original questions and then answer them. You are judged on your questions and answers.

I recently submitted my application. Here are the questions and answers

QUESTION 1: Why does my stepfather hate me?

The seething hatred my stepfather directs toward me can be attributed to a variety of factors. First, he is sterile and unable to produce children from his own seed. This has caused him great emotional pain, which he then takes out on me, his unnatural son. Second, he always wanted a son that would grow up and play college ball for Alabama. I was a very talented high school football player. I once set a record and scored four touchdowns in one game for Polk High. I was awarded scholarships everywhere, even Alabama. My stepfather was so close to his close, yet so far. I was mad at him for forgetting to put the milk away the night before. The milk spoiled and I had nothing to eat for breakfast. What was I going to do, eat Cheerios without milk? As if! To avenge my breakfast, I decided to skip college all together and work in beauty salon in San Fransisco. Did I mention my stepfather was homophobic? Yeah, he wasn't too happy about that. In retrospect throwing my future down the drain over some spoiled milk was probably a reckless decision, but that is neither here nor there. My stepfather hates me. Are you happy now?

QUESTION 2: How does my stepfather handle stress?

My stepfather handles stress in what I imagine to be a normal and healthy fashion....relentlessly barraging my body with a ball-peen hammer while I'm sleeping. He has also adopted other 'modern' stress relief techniques, such as kicking the dog, drinking isopropyl alcohol, punching the neighbor's horse, crying for hours on end, swallowing small pieces of plastic toys that are only designed for children three-years-old and up, purchasing baby Tylenol, tampering with the bottle and returning it, blaming the Jews, watching deviant pornography VHS tapes from the late 70's/early 80's, dressing in women's clothing and screaming at Nana on the phone.

QUESTION 3: How retarded would you have to be not to accept this application?

Really, really retarded. You get a shitton of applications. I get that. Nerdo dweebos from all over the world are writing to you in various languages, begging you to be a beta tester. POR FAVOR! S'IL VOUS PLAIT! CLICK CLICK POP POP CLICK CLICK! It can be a bit overwhelming, I know. What you have to ask yourself is do you want Goof McGeekenstein writing up reviews of your beta products or some 20-something dude with a sense of humor (me). Me, obviously! Don't you deal with enough nerds at facebook? Wouldn't you like to talk to someone who goes outside once in awhile? Someone who has been on a boat? Someone who brushes their teeth and works in a normal office, without beanbag chairs and water gun fights? You do. Oh, yes you do! You know it and I know it. So get it done.

I'll let you know if I receive any sort of response on this.


Hecky said...

Hey! I applied too, it says we get a response within 24 hours? I really do hope I get in, and I must say that I took a more measured approach to the application rather than risking it with a slightly...different approach like you :-)!

Jenni said...

lol. That was awesome. I missed you doing random crap like this to unsuspecting, but totally deserving people. Made my day just a wee bit more funny.

Scaffolding Hire said...

Very fabulous experience when i was applying for this application.

Anonymous said...

"Your answer must be original. Plagiarism is unacceptable."

So are disqualified if I put these 3 answers in from my 40 different marketing fake profiles?

Cathy Roberts said...

Three? Did I miss something? Mine application only had room for ONE question and answer..

Tim said...

Epic! That is all.