Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Ellen Degeneres got a little miffed when Simon appeared an hour and a half late to film an American Idol Hollywood segment the other day. It is reported she called Simon Cowell a "prima donna."
Ellen. Darling. Are you serious? Have you ever watched American Idol? Calling Simon Cowell a prima donna is like calling Snagglepuss a little gay, or calling Emmanuel Lewis kind of short. NO S**t, Ellen! I have no sympathy for you! If you walk into a lion's den there's a good chance you are going to find a lion there. Just like if you go to the dry cleaner you're probably going to find Chinese people who can barely speak English. You knew that going in, Ellen. Suck it up. Dance with Obama. It will all be OK when that check comes in the mail.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Scott's Tip Of The Day: From time to time I get feedback from my readers. I like feedback. I like questions. Email me anytime (email@example.com) I received the following email today:
Hi scott. I've been reading your blog for a while now, and it is a tremendous and humorous source of advice and insight. So I was wondering if you'd point me in the right direction with something.
I really hate my boss. I mean, really. But she seems to have it in her head we have this odd boss/employee friendship going on here, and personally, I cannot effing stand her! She's dumb as a stack of bricks, actually, scratch that. The bricks are useful. Well, she's the signer of my paychecks. But Scott, really? I can't stand her. I work with her more than anyone. I work in a cafe/bakery, and she has no right to be there. So I'm asking you, as someone who seems seasoned in the art of life and stuff in general: how the hell do I disengage my faux friendship with this piece of work and still keep my job and my boss off my back? I've been there 3 years, enjoy having a paycheck, enjoy having a job and most of all, enjoy when her nasty ill-tempered husband yells at her for ordering too much fake cake filling and makes her cry. Because that's pretty freaking sweet.
Surely you understand my desperation if I am seeking advice from a blogger. No offense.
Iris, NJ (But don't judge me on that)
Thanks for the email and the kind words. I won't judge you on your New Jersey residency. Without New Jersey, we wouldn't have the Jersey shore. No fist pumping guidos (or guidettes). We'd have no rotten egg smells emanating from Newark and where would everyone from Staten Island go for bachlorette parties, if there was no Atlantic City? God Bless New Jersey. Anyway, let me address your question before I get too far off track...
You hate your boss and you work in close proximity to her. How do you turn a fake buddy-buddy relationship into an awkwardly silent, barely civil, boss-employee relationship? That's a good question.
You don't want to be fired so you can't be blatantly mean. You can't tell her to F*** off or shove it. I would recommend you start developing a lot of weird idiosyncrasies. Make her feel a little uncomfortable around you. For example, every time you see her coming towards you start repeating the word "jambalaya" over and over again. When your boss asks you "Why do you keep saying 'jambalaya,'" you have to say "Oh, what? I didn't say anything." I would also start meowing about four or five times an hour. Just go "meooowwwww" and start licking your hands like a cat. Pretend it's completely normal.
Another thing you could do is start cutting pictures out of newspapers. Then frame them and hang them up at work. When the boss asks who those people are you can say they are your family friends. When she inevitably remarks that the pictures look like they were cut out of the New york Times, get really offended and defensive and say that they are obviously Polaroids.
If you start behaving this erratically, your boss will probably be too frightened to talk to you and too frightened to fire you. You will be in the clear. Let me know how it goes, Iris!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Scott's Tip Of The Day: From time to time I get feedback from my readers. I like feedback. I like questions. Email me anytime (firstname.lastname@example.org) I received the following email the other day:
So, I was reading your sinus infection post, and I have one small suggestion: Snort vinegar. You see, I have the nose of a bloodhound, or a snake, or something. My sense of smell is so keen it disrupts my life; sometimes I can smell gas before anyone -does- anything! My boyfriend (the source of the smells, sadly) thinks I ought to snort some vinegar to "overpower the nose sensors and eventually killing some off"< isn't he just super-smart? =p. Maybe it would work for you, too! Acidy and pungent, it should be capable of accomplishing something.
Thank you for your advice. Even though we have never met face to face or had any sort of meaningful dialogue, you immediately struck me as a lady who knows what she's talking about. You seem honest, intelligent, sensible....I like the cut of your jib, Jenni. That's why I followed your advice.
I felt that my office was an inappropriate place to snort the vinegar so I bought a bottle and did it on the commuter train home. "All aboard! New York City" I found a seat next to a middle aged woman engrossed in her tawdry romance novel. She had no idea what was in store for her. I opened my bag, cracked open my bottle of Heinz Distilled White Vinegar, placed the bottle up to my right nostril, tipped my head back and took a big sniff.
The following experience was very traumatic. I can only explain it as best as I remember it.....
I start coughing. I can't stop coughing. I'm fighting to breathe. I think some of the vinegar went down the wrong tube. My nose is burning. My eyes are tearing. The force of my coughs become so great I projectile vomit all over the poor lady next to me. I drop the vinegar on the floor of the train. The bottle shatters. The lady next to me is screaming. Everything is in slow motion. The smell of spilled vinegar makes me vomit again, this time on myself. The lady next to me is so grossed out, she barfs on herself.
Other people are staring. An elderly gentleman across the aisle looks over... then he tosses his cookies. There's commotion. A lot of noise. People are yelling. People are staring. I stop coughing but my nose is still burning. I notice it's bleeding. My face is covered in blood. The conductor stomps over. He talks to witnesses, pieces together what went down and becomes enraged. He has the engineer stop the train at the next stop and throws me out.
I walk out onto the track, a bloody, smelly, mess. I call information on my cell phone. "Give me the number to a taxi service in White Plains. Any one will do." I get the number, I call the Taxi. When it arrives the cabbie refuses to drive me in his cab. I protest. "You're covered in blood and vomit, dude. You're not getting in this cab."
I start walking. I walk along the highway... the only way I know how to get home. I don't know the back roads. I don't know this neighborhood, much less all of the neighborhoods I would have to navigate to get back to NYC. After a mile or two on the highway a cop pulls me over. "Sir, I am going to have to ask you to come with me."
I won't go into the details of what happened next. I am not going to tell you about spending the night in jail, or having to appear before the Bar, having my legal license suspended or losing my job. I'm not going to talk about any of that.
All I'm going to tell you, Jenni, is I'm not taking your advice anymore. Okay?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Who is the biggest threat to America? Osama Bin laden? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? No. It's Mikey Hicks. Eight-year-old Mikey Hicks. What diabolical plot is he planning? What international crime syndicate or terrorist group is he working for? THE CUB SCOUTS. Watch out America. This kid can tie a knot. Hell, he has probably even used a knife before... and not with his dinner! He's obviously more dangerous than the Nigerian who tried to blow up a plane over the holidays.
OK, OK. Mikey Hicks is not on the no fly list. Well, technically he is, but it isn't the eight-year-old Mikey Hicks. It's another dude named Michael Hicks. But because the no fly list is merely a list, America's brightest AKA the people who do security checks in the airport, have to do invasive searches on this poor eight-year-old every time he flies, merely because he has the same name as someone else. This is despite the fact the Transport Security Administration claims that no children are on the No Fly list.
America needs to do a better job with their airport security. This doesn't necessarily mean they have to spend hundreds of millions buying full body scanners. How about sharing security intelligence seamlessly and effectively between government agencies so these mistakes don't happen anymore? Naw. That would make too much sense.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Scott's Tip Of The Day: I'm sick. Again. I got a sinus infection in December and after two weeks of antibiotics it decided to visit me again in January. Sinus infections aren't fun, unless your idea of fun is a nasal endoscopy. You know what that is? It's when a doctor shoves a camera attached to a tube all the way up your nose and into your sinuses and looks around. You know how much this crap costs? Thank God I have insurance.
So what's the plan eh? I figure maybe I should change my lifestyle a bit. Maybe some of the things I am doing on a day to day basis are weakening my immune system, you know, negatively affecting my sinuses. It's 2010. Out with the old Scott, in with the new one.
THINGS I AM GOING TO DO DIFFERENTLY TO GET LESS SINUS INFECTIONS
-I'm going to put sugar directly in my coffee instead of snorting some after every sip.
-I'll immediately begin to grow a handlebar mustache to act as a shield and catch loose debris and dust floating around my nose.
-I'm going to quit sniffing heroin and start injecting it
-When my nose gets stuffed I am going to blow it into a tissue of collecting my snot in a jar. My charity "Boogers for Africa" is a failure and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I can move on with my life.
-I'll find something else to do during lunch. Playing in the abandoned building next to my office with exposed asbestos is a lot of fun, but probably a bad idea.
-I'm going to quit taking Doc Franklin's patented miracle tonic and start using medicine my doctor prescribes. I will also ensure that this medicine didn't expire in 1993.
Hopefully, these changes in my behavior will lead to a healthier lifestyle. If you have any questions, comments, concerns feel free to email me at email@example.com and I will be happy to address them. You might even appear in my blog!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Scott's Tip Of The Day: The Chicago Police Department may drop its entrance exam to boost minority hiring. What a great idea. I don't see any potential problems with this plan. Why should you take a test to prove you are qualified for your job when you could accomplish the same objective by answering a few interview questions.... "Do you like to take bribes? Will you share these bribes with your fellow officers? Can you bash someone in the head with a night stick? Do you like donuts? Are you willing to break the rules to put someone away? Are you a fan of Beverly Hills Cop?"
Who needs an exam?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Scott's Tip Of The Day: So it's January 5th. Have you made your New Year's resolution yet? Don't you think it's time? What? What are my New Year's resolutions? Good question.
SCOTT'S NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
1) To buy a stun gun and start shocking people who regularly use the word "irregardless"
2) To use the aforementioned stun gun to shock people for criticizing me for being too harsh in shocking people for using the word "irregardless"
3) To use this stun gun to silence people for complaining I use my stun gun to resolve trivial matters, such as silencing people who criticize me for acting in a socially deviant manner.
4) To increase stun gun awareness by zapping people I pass on the street who don't appear to be carrying a stun gun.