One Man's Trash Is Another Man's Treasure

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Everyone has heard a proverb or two. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. One man's trash is another man's treasure. But you know what? I have a problem with these proverbs. Why? I don't know who said them. I don't know the context. Maybe we're reading too much into them?

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
What if the bird is carrying bird flu? What do you intend to do with this bird? How do you know it doesn't have intestinal parasites? Are all of the birds of the same species? Is it a cockatoo or is it a crow? Do I have protective gloves on? What makes this bird so valuable in my hand? What kind of bush are these birds in? Wouldn't two birds in a rose bush be worth more than a bird in my hand? Who is appraising the value of these birds? What are his qualifications?

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
What kind of idiot lives in a glass house? What if he throws stones outside of the vicinity of his house? What if his house is made of bulletproof glass? Wouldn't someone who lives in a glass see-through house have more pressing issues to attend to? Like where am I going to change where people aren't going to see my ding dong? If this person isn't allowed to throw stones does this preclude him from stabbing people instead? Does this person have insurance on his house? Does his insurance cover stone damage?

One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Who is this man who finds my treasure so appealing? Is he homeless? Is he really qualified to appraise the value of second hand items? Believe me, the milk i threw out today, that expired 2 weeks ago, is no one's treasure. Even if I threw a shoe with holes out and a man started wearing that do you think he would call it "treasure?" No! He would say "Damn, I got a beat up shoe, it still sucks but it's better than nothing." That's not treasure. Treasure is gold coins. You find treasure where 'X' marks the spot. I learned that from pirates (they weren't Somalian).

Don't listen to proverbs if you don't know where they come from. Trust your source.
Here are some proverbs you can attribute to me:


-If it has an adam's apple and wears a skirt, and you're a straight guy, you're gonna get hurt
-They don't speak English, so take all their money, they can't report you, it will be funny
-Sex and strangulation poses a danger, instead sit on your hand. and give you a stranger
-If you are sad, then stab a clown, it will turn your frown upside down (or at least it will turn my frown upside down when you stab a clown)

In Celebration of Michael Jackson

Scott's Tip Of The Day: When Michael Jackson recorded Thriller, he probably never imagined the choreography from his music video would be reenacted by inmates at a prison in the Philippines. Shows how much he knew! Anyway, this video is a little old but I think it puts everything in perspective. Sure, Michael is gone. But there is still a man who can dance like him at Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center. That's just as good, right? I really hope American Idol finds a way to work him into next season. Perhaps they can have a live video feed from his prison cell?

In any case, have a happy 4th of July and I will be back to blog more next week! If you have any questions, comments, concerns feel free to email me at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com. I will answer any question you have. "Where did I leave my keys?" "I am hosting a human meat BBQ, how long should I leave the meat on the grill?" etc. etc. I am a valuable resource of knowledge. It would be a crime to waste me.

New York State Senate Deadlock

Scott's Tip Of The Day: New York State Senators. Look at all of you. You should be ashamed of yourself. Bills need to be passed. Important bills with big implications on such hotbed issues as education and gay marriage.... and all you can do is engage in petty partisan nonsense. Seriously guys, no one is going to reelect any of you if you can't play nice. What's the state paying you for? I am sick of reading about this in the news. You could have fixed this problem in like 5 mins. Governor David Paterson is legally blind. All you have to do is say "Yeah, uh... we resolved our issues and voted on everything, you were there, remember?' David Paterson won't want to look like an idiot. He'll be all "Oh yeah, thanks guys you can go home now." By the time he realizes what's up, you guys will all be on fancy vacations, funded by illegal lobbyist donations and misappropriated funds from your local elementary school. You guys are slimy politicians, you shouldn't need me to think of this for you.

Interview Tips

Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you're interviewing for a job? You had been working in the same place for 10 years and you don't remember how to interview. You're probably nervous too. Don't know what to do? Good thing I'm here to set you straight. Just follow my simple tips and you will be OK:

MASTERING THE INTERVIEW

-Always begin your interview by referring to your interviewer as "Colonel." The interviewer will then probably say, "I am not a colonel. I am not in the army, why did you call me that?" At this point say "Oh I assumed by your good posture and your chiseled body that I must be talking to a successful military man." Your interviewer will be flattered and this will set you on the right track for the rest of the interview.

-One thing that really frightens employers, especially the HR department is the prospect of lawsuits. No one will want to employ you if they suspect you will be a source of litigation. So what do you do? Allay their fears. Over the course of the interview, it is advisable that on at least 12 different occasions, you interrupt the interviewer to say "I just want to stress, I will not be suing you for sexual harassment if you hire me. Seriously, I would never sue you for millions of dollars. Seriously" They will feel a lot more comfortable hiring you after this disclosure.

-Gesticulate a lot when you are talking. Did you ever used to make shadow animals on the wall when you were a kid? Do that during your interview when you are talking. Also, clench your fist like an irate Mussolini and bang it on the table. If you really want to show you are passionate take your shoe off and slam it on your interviewers desk. Hey, it worked for Khrushchev! Oh wait, it didn't work for him. But it will probably work for you!

-When your interview is over, make sure to hug the person who interviewed you. Give them a big bear hug. Everyone shakes hands. That's pedestrian. You want to stand out. So give the potential boss a big hug and you'll get a lot of loving back.... in the form of a new job!

Follow these tips and you will be working in no time. What's that? Oh. Don't thank me. Just send me 10% of your new salary. That's all the thanks I need.

Bubbles

Scott's Tip Of The Day: It's a sad day when Michael Jackson dies. Everybody loved him. Especially the American judicial system, for it's not often that judges give a child molester two second chances. But hey, if you recorded Thriller you would have gotten away with diddling kids too.

In the wake of all of this, a lot of people are upset. Rightfully so. There's like over a million peeps in England who bought tickets to see Jackson live that are SOL. Hopefully they get their money back. If they bought scalped tickets I imagine they are really screwed. Then there's Michael's family. His kids Blanket, Blanket 2 and Blanket 3, or Price Blanket or whatever they're called. Lucky for them, Michael's mom, Katherine Jackson, pumped 9 babies out of her vuh-jay jay (for future reference it's called birth control Katherine, you can find it in any pharmacy), so they should be able to find an Uncle or Aunt to watch over them. Don't leave them with Jermaine though. He named one of his kids Jermajesty. That by itself should be considered some kind of child abuse, but that's another can of worms all together.

And then, there's someone we're all forgetting. Bubbles. Am I the only one that remembers this chimp? Michael slept with him in his room. He let Bubbles use his private bathroom. Then Michael had children, Bubbles got violent and Michael sent Bubbles away. Where is Bubbles during all of this? Is he still in his animal sanctuary? I didn't read about his chauefer driving him in his Chimp Limo to the hospital. He must still be hurting. Maybe Bubbles was embarassed that he still wears diapers? Maybe he didn't think the hospital staff would let him in? NO CHIMPS ALLOWED. What a backwards world we live in. I don't want to live in a world where a chimp can't visit me in the hospital.

Anyway, Bubbles, Michael was a little loopy, so don't take it personally. You don't have a private bathroom in your animal sanctuary and I am sure it's embarassing having all of those chimps watch you poop on the ground, but Michael loved you. I love you too Bubbles. I understand it's only natural to want to bite a kid named Blanket. I feel the same way, and I may have tried to bite him too. Let's do dinner sometime, yes? Have your chimps call my people. I know a great place we can get a bannana split.

Mark Sanford AWOL

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Remastered Remixed Redux

Scott's Tip Of The Day: When one goes back to change something that is already great, they usually ruin it. Just look at Star Wars. Why did you change the Ewok Dance song at the end of Return of the Jedi? Did you think I wouldn't notice, George? I did! Why did you replace guns with walkie talkies in E.T., Stephen Spielberg! Wouldn't it be funny if Elliot got capped?

But on the other hand, sometimes, a fresh set of eyes can really improve something. The above Youtube video is a perfect example of that.