Interview Tips

Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you're interviewing for a job? You had been working in the same place for 10 years and you don't remember how to interview. You're probably nervous too. Don't know what to do? Good thing I'm here to set you straight. Just follow my simple tips and you will be OK:

MASTERING THE INTERVIEW

-Always begin your interview by referring to your interviewer as "Colonel." The interviewer will then probably say, "I am not a colonel. I am not in the army, why did you call me that?" At this point say "Oh I assumed by your good posture and your chiseled body that I must be talking to a successful military man." Your interviewer will be flattered and this will set you on the right track for the rest of the interview.

-One thing that really frightens employers, especially the HR department is the prospect of lawsuits. No one will want to employ you if they suspect you will be a source of litigation. So what do you do? Allay their fears. Over the course of the interview, it is advisable that on at least 12 different occasions, you interrupt the interviewer to say "I just want to stress, I will not be suing you for sexual harassment if you hire me. Seriously, I would never sue you for millions of dollars. Seriously" They will feel a lot more comfortable hiring you after this disclosure.

-Gesticulate a lot when you are talking. Did you ever used to make shadow animals on the wall when you were a kid? Do that during your interview when you are talking. Also, clench your fist like an irate Mussolini and bang it on the table. If you really want to show you are passionate take your shoe off and slam it on your interviewers desk. Hey, it worked for Khrushchev! Oh wait, it didn't work for him. But it will probably work for you!

-When your interview is over, make sure to hug the person who interviewed you. Give them a big bear hug. Everyone shakes hands. That's pedestrian. You want to stand out. So give the potential boss a big hug and you'll get a lot of loving back.... in the form of a new job!

Follow these tips and you will be working in no time. What's that? Oh. Don't thank me. Just send me 10% of your new salary. That's all the thanks I need.