Friday, March 27, 2009

How To Run a Back Alley Dentistry Practice

Scott's Tip Of The Day: "Scott, I am sick of my job, I want a new career, but I am not qualified to do anything!" I hear that a lot... and it breaks my heart. Well, here is my step by step guide to becoming a back alley dentist. No diploma or schooling necessary!

STEP 1: Procure Supplies. You will need the following supplies to start your dental practice...

-One bottle of 190 proof Everclear
-Flat-headed screwdriver
-An old reclining chair
-Super glue
-Duct Tape
-White paint
-2-4 Chairs
-Two curtains w/curtain rods.
-One Toothbrush
-Empty bottles of alcohol

-Power Drill
-Art Work

STEP 2: Find a dark alley with little pedestrian traffic

STEP 3: Set up recliner in dark alley. Place two curtains on either side. This is now your examination room. The other side of one of the curtains will now be your reception area. If you could afford the artwork or plant(s), place them around your alley to give them that dentists office vibe. If you purchased magazines, place them on a table, next to a few chairs. Congrats, now you have your office set up.

STEP 4: Venture off to areas with high concentrations of homeless people. If you are unsure where to look, be sure to check subway stations, under highway overpasses, under bridges and homeless shelters. Actively recruit these people to be your patients. Homeless people don't have a lot of money but if they have a painful tooth, they might be willing to pay you ten dollars they panhandled to fix it.

STEP 5: Patients should start lining up at your office. One by one, bring them into your examining room. First, collect your ten dollar payment. If the patient can't pay, kick them out of the examination room. If they can, ask him "What seems to be the problem." In all likeliness he is not coming to you for a regular check up or teeth cleaning. If he is, just pretend to examine all of his teeth, go "hmmmm mmhmmm mhhmmmm", then brush his teeth and tell him he is fine. (You can use the same toothbrush over and over again on different patients if you wash it semi-regularly.)

If the patient comes to your office because he is in pain, ask them where it hurts. Then tell him to relax, and to ingest the anesthesia (a full glass of Everclear). At this point you must tie the patient to the reclining chair, and tape his head to the chair. Afterwords, rip out the tooth or teeth that you suspect are giving the patient pain with the pliers and/or screwdriver. If you could afford the power drill, you may use this instead. Use gauze to soak up blood. Find a rock that is approximately the same size as their tooth. Paint this rock white and superglue it to the patient's gums. Then force patient to ingest rohypnol. Do not have patient ingest rohypnol right after he drank the anesthesia. That could be very dangerous!!!

STEP 6: Place patient in wheelbarrow and wheel him to a neighboring alley. Cover him with garbage. Place an empty bottle of alcohol in patient's hand. This way if the authorities ever question you, you can deny everything and chalk up the misunderstanding to the homeless man who was drinking.

STEP 7: Repeat over and over until you become rich, you get arrested, or you are assaulted by an angry mob of homeless people.

1 comment:

D'Arcy said...

wowee!! that's quite the job requirements. i think I'd rather be one of the enraged homeless people in the mob. When you're part of a mob you can just forgo any sense of personal responsibility!