Whoopi Goldberg

Scott's Tip Of The Day: As you may know, Roman Polanski, director of such films as Chinatown and The Pianist, was arrested in Switzerland yesterday on statutory rape charges. Specifically, he was charged with having sex with a 13-year-old girl. The United States has been trying to arrest him since 1977, but Polanski has mostly kept to countries that do not have extradition treaties with the United States. He slipped up when he entered Switzerland for an awards ceremony.

Whoopi Goldberg, doesn't feel that Roman Polanski should be tried, however. Goldberg expressed her view, that statutory rape isn't "rape-rape." Apparently serving a 13-year-old girl champagne and feeding her Quaaludes, is not rape-rape. Perhaps it's just another Saturday night at the Goldberg house? So what's my tip of the day? Those of you who watch The View should probably find another place to get your advice. Scott's Tip Of The Day, perhaps.

Career Change

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Hypothetically, lets say you play football. Let's also assume that due to your frail body you have been injured multiple times over a five year span and required invasive shoulder surgery on three of those occasions. If this was to happen to you, you would be wise to pursue another career. Who am I referring to? Oh no one.....

Penis Enlargement

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Placing your penis in a dumbbell is not an effective way to enlarge your penis.

Why Rent When You Can Pitch A Tent?

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Are you having trouble affording an apartment in Manhattan? How about Brooklyn? Hmmm...Still can't afford one? Then why don't you follow Libyan Leader, Colonel Gaddafi's example? Pitch a tent! And where better than on a property owned by Donald Trump? If you still can't afford to buy your own tent, maybe Gaddafi would be willing to share his with you? After all, there are worse things than living with a terrorist..... like....ummm......OK...So there aren't worse things than living with a terrorist. But at least you have a place to live. And I am sure you will have a lot of interesting dinner conversations about last night's episode of Two and a Half Men, or the Jewish conspiracy.

The Slut List

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Some of you may have read the New York Times article, this past weekend, about the Millburn High School Slut List.

Basically, every year these classy Millburn High, New Jersey senior girls carefully analyze the incoming freshman class, and decide who the biggest sluts are. I found this article a fascinating piece of journalism. But a quick pointer to the author, Tina Kelly. How am I supposed to call any of these incoming freshman sluts, if you don't provide their names and addresses in the article? Isn't your article a bit incomplete? There, there. It's OK, Tina. I will give you a few days to put together this information and get back to me. Then I'll read it over again and reevaluate. Sound good? Great. Thanks, Tina.

Scam Wow

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Finally, a infomercial for something practical. The Scam Now!

Missile Shield

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Today the United States announced they would be scrapping their plan for a missile shield, which was to be placed in Poland and the Czech Republic. So how is America going to protect Europe from potential threats originating from the Middle East?

SCOTT'S TOP 3 IDEAS FOR MISSILE SHIELD REPLACEMENTS



3. Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. Need I say more?



2. Snuggies
You won't even notice your roof was destroyed by an Iranian missile. You'll be too cozy on the couch, rocking out your snuggie.



1. Humus
Middle Easterners love Humus. Would they attack your country if you were storing the world's humus reserves? I think not.

C'mon Poland! I know most of your military tragically died after your government standardized screen doors in Polish-made submarines, but think for a second. So America isn't giving you a big expensive missile shield. So what? Follow my suggestions! They're cheap! They might just save your life.

Obama To World: Kanye is a Jackass

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If any of you saw the MTV video awards, you are well aware that Kanye West made a jackass of himself...Again. Surprised? I would have been surprised if he behaved like a modest, polite person. Apparently, President Obama felt the same way, referring to Kanye as a "Jackass." in an interview. Except you weren't supposed to know about that because ABC wasn't supposed to report that! It was off the record. So much for journalistic integrity. What can we learn from all of this?

1)No matter what Kanye West says, (blogs), or does, he will forever be a jackass.
2)ABC news has no journalistic integrity.
3)Obama is capable of discussing things other than America's sad economy and/or healthcare.
4)I never would have realized I missed the MTV music awards if Kanye hadn't acted like a douche. MTV...giving music awards? I didn't realize MTV played music/music videos anymore. Oh, right. They don't

Nancy Pelosi Doesn't Answer Her Email

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I wrote the following letter to Nancy Pelosi and received no response:

Dear Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi,

I am writing to you about your stance on health care. Although I am no doctor, I have been known to play doctor from time to time. I admire your courageousness for pushing full steam ahead with health care reform. But in your Universal Health care plan we are leaving some out.
Who, you ask? Our furry friends, dogs. Dogs are people too. What kind of country would we be if we didn't extend universal health care to our canine friends too? Would our health care be truly universal if we didn't include dogs? I think not.
There is still time. The bill has not been voted on yet. You can make a difference. Please, Mrs. Pelosi. Add this to the bill. But don't do it for me. Do it for Whiskers, Buttons, Senor Fuentes, Spot and Ruff-Ruff.

Thank you.
-Scott

Unfortunately, I received no response. Nancy Pelosi, you are a heartless wench. You not only broke my heart, but dog lovers hearts, everywhere. I hope you don't get re-elected.

Eighth Congressional District of California..... Listen up.
2010 is right around the corner. You know what that means? Election time! Lets vote Nancy Pelosi out of office. We can elect a different fanatical,egocentric, ultra-liberal in her place. There are a million of them in California. Take that, Nancy! You just got served!

Fashion 2049

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Fashion week will be taking place in New York City from September 10-17. I am fortunate to have a very talented girlfriend in the fashion industry. She knows her stuff. She's fashion forward. She could tell you what's hot or not. She could tell you what's going to be hot or not next year. She could even probably tell you what's going to be hot or not five years down the road. While some, probably most, would find this information useful, I am going to do you one better. I am going to utilize my boundless brain power to peer into the future and tell you what's going to be hot 40 years down the road. This way you'll have time to save the tens of thousands of dollars you will be spending on my suggestions.

WHAT'S HOT 2049 EDITION:



-PANDA FUR COATS
Pandas are almost extinct and it's 2009. You know how rare they are going to be in 2049? There will be like five of them. So how cool do you think you will be when you stroll up to Le Bernadin in your panda coat? Did you look at the picture above? It even has a hood! Made out of Panda head fur! Genius! Killing near-extinct animals for their fur is going to be all the rage in 2049. Get your panda coat now.




-FULL BODY SPANDEX UNITARDS
Everyone's seen a unitard before. Gymnasts, ice skaters and pedophiles wear them. But in 2049, people will wear full body spandex unitards that even cover their head. Since China's chief export in 2049 will be disease, Americans will need to take precautions to avoid these viruses. Some of these viruses from the 2040's include Raccoon flu, Blumpkin Pox, Mongolian knee fungus and Paris Hilton Broken Vagina Syndrome. The full body spandex unitard will prevent germs from making contact with your face. Incidentally, It may also be responsible for the 20,000% jump in violent rape cases between 2049 and 2050, but lookin' good takes work, right?




-JET PACKS
What's cooler than a jet pack? What? A naked woman? Yeah, I suppose so. But can you wear a naked woman? Yeah, technically, I suppose you could.... but you're distracting me....what I'm trying to say is jet packs are functional and cool. You look pretty badass with one on your back, and they take you places too. Watch the video above. Chuck Norris is using a jet pack. And he's cool. Even if you don't think he's cool, you have to say he looks cool because he'll murder you if you don't. Chuck Norris is ruthless. But that's another story for another time....

So that's fashion in 2049. Start planning.


Because if you're not cool, you're just a fool.

Aliens

Scott's Tip Of The Day: The Japanese first lady, Miyuki Hatoyama, claims she was abducted by Aliens as a 20-year-old. She also claims she knew Tom Cruise in a former incarnation and worked with him in Hollywood.

How many pieces of 5-day-old sushi have you consumed, Miyuki? What did I tell you about playing Super Famicom for hours on end? I told you it would rot your brain! And it did!

For all you wives married to men in the public arena, it would behoove you to avoid public statements about the following things:

-Aliens
-Bloody Clown Suits
-Dead Hookers
-Drugs
-Gerbils
-Your misguided belief that Drew Carey is "the best host ever" on the Price is Right
-Cults
-Uncle Salvatore and his concrete boots
-Ookie Cookie
-Swanson's Fish Sticks
-The Domino's Pizza Noid
-Tom Cruise
-Space Docking
-Balloon Animals
-Your distant relative in Nigeria who is trying to hide his fortune
-Mayor McCheese
-Racial Stereotypes
-Voodoo
-Pillow People
-Russian Roulette
-The Jonas Brothers
-Bert & Ernie's confusing relationship
-Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot
-Mud Butt
-Your state's distance to Russia and its inherent foreign relations implications

Steer clear of these subjects and you'll be fine.

Connecticut Politicians

Scott's Tip Of The Day: In the photo above you see the Connecticut State Legislature debating budgetary matters. Does anything seem strange to you? Perhaps you are looking at Rep. Barbara Lambert's computer? She is a freshman democrat from Milford. She is playing Spider Solitaire. No? Maybe it was the guy next to her, Rep. Jack F. Hennessy, a Bridgeport Democrat, who is only playing normal Solitaire? I guess he can't handle new improved versions of solitaire. Good thing he doesn't represent MY district!!!

The next time candidates run for election in your town, remember to ask them if they have a short attention span and/or if they can survive long meetings without playing computer games. If they cannot, it's your civic duty to at least make sure they are getting high scores. After all, they represent your district.

1-877-Kars-4-Kids

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I've had it. Everyday on the way to work I listen to the radio. It doesn't matter if I am listening to 660AM, 1050AM, 1010AM, I always hear the same commercial. The most annoying commercial ever! Its a bunch of kids singing "1-877-Kars-4-Kids." Not only is the commercial extremely irritating, but it makes no sense.

First, there are too many numbers to dial. Kars-4-Kids? A typical number has a 3 digit area code and 7 numbers after. (XXX)-XXX-XXXX. I guess Kars-4-Kids worked out a special deal where they can just add as many digits as they want. "Why make donors dial the minimum number of requisite digits when we can force them to dial more? MWAHAHAHAHA."

Second, if i didn't look up "Cars For Kids" on Google, I never would have realized "Cars" is spelled "Kars" and there is a "4" in there instead of a "for." What brilliant marketing genius came up with that? Awww, they spelled "Cars" wrong. How cute!!! No! How confusing! Why don't you throw a backwards R in there too? How about a ampersand too?

Third, Why do kids need cars? Isn't the minimum driving age like 16 or 17? Does a seven-year-old really need a 1987 Honda Accord? Would you feel comfortable with your seven-year-old driving a 1987 Honda Accord? How reliable could that car be? Did you make sure the breaks work OK? Do you really trust your kid to go run errands and not spend all the grocery money gettin' hopped up on Jolt Cola at Chuck-E-Cheeses?

Out of principle I will never donate to Kars-4-Kids because the commercial is so f**king annoying. Kids singing out of tune, (when you can't even see their booger covered faces), is not cute. In the advertising world, typically, if you familiarize people with your product, you have done a great job. Unfortunately, Kars-4-Kids revolts people. When I'm driving and this commercial comes on, I consider driving my car into the median divider or pulling over and committing ritual seppuku. That is why I urge you to donate to some of my favorite charities instead.

Guns For Kids in Africa
There is a lot of unrest in Africa. Wars, genocide and whatnot. And a lot of kids don't have guns. What's a gunless kid going to do when people show up to his house with guns? Nothing. He'll be helpless. That's why you need to donate and get these kids some guns to defend themself. "Screw you army man! Rat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat!"

Money For Scott
See that "Donate to Scott" box on the upper right hand corner of this blog? Scott provides you with countless wisdom. He's always there for you. You can always email him at SCOTTSTIPOFTHEDAY@GMAIL.COM and say hi, or ask him a question. He is like your drunk uncle, who never beats you, but always seems to forget your birthday. What better way to show your appreciation then to send some $$$ his way?

Clown Subsidies
A lot of you hate clowns. I don't particularly like them. They're supposed to be funny, but they're creepy and sad. What better way to get them out of the public eye than to pay them not to work? I don't want to see you clown! So I am gonna pay you your salary to sit on the couch and not go out in public! Brilliant!