Tuesday, May 19, 2009

For The Kids


Scott's Tip Of The Day: As the oldest child in my family, I often had to figure things out for myself. I had no big brother to watch my back, and teach me the ropes of elementary school, middle school or high school. I don't want my readers to suffer the same fate. So guess what kiddies?! I have some tips just for you.

HOW TO SURVIVE YOUR CHILDHOOD:

-It's a dog eat dog world. If you aren't doing the bullying, there's a good chance you're going receive the bullying first hand. Find children smaller and frailer than you and rough them up on the playground. Earn some respect!

-Somewhere around the age of 10, you will be tempted to buy a poster of the Backstreet Boys or Britney Spears or Jonas Brothers or the Naked Brothers Band or whatever crap is popular among kids your age. You may even want to save up your money and go to a concert. Don't do it! Save your money. In a few years you'll want a fake ID. If not, you'll be paying older kids a premium to get you alcohol. You'll be happy you didn't spend your money on this boy band nonsense.

-If you're a chick, don't have sex until you are prepared to deal with the consequences of your actions. What if the condom breaks? What if the girl who sold you birth control in the locker room wasn't a licensed pharmacist? What if those are altoids and not birth control pills!? You could end up with a kid! Are you ready to take care of a kid? No? Then don't have sex! Are you a boy younger than 16-years-old? Does a female peer want to have sex with you? Don't do it! If you get her pregnant you will be grounded forever. Plus you'll have a kid to take care of. Having a kid at 16-years-old is no fun, unless you are Amish. Are you Amish? Then why are you reading this blog!?? Shouldn't you be out on the horse-plow contraption your family uses? So, if you're a boy when is it ok to have sex? When your self sufficient, hot female teacher makes a pass at you. It may be illegal for her, but it's merely awesome for you. It's worth it just for the story, alone.

So kids, follow these three tips and everything's gravy.

5 comments:

VE said...

It almost sounds like you were a kid once!

Anonymous said...

Yeah kids, you don't want to be going to Planned Parenthood. Cause you'll hate sex for life after that visit, and who wants that? Hating sex= lifelong misery, dawg.

foutsc said...

Even worse, knock up a VP candidate's daughter and you'll get dragged to a nationally televised political convention

Dalton J. Fox said...

"So, if you're a boy when is it ok to have sex? When your self sufficient, hot female teacher makes a pass at you. It may be illegal for her, but it's merely awesome for you. It's worth it just for the story, alone." -- Scott, you are a wise man.

Dr. Tundra said...

Great post, English.