Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The 10 Greatest Mustaches of All Time

Scott's Tip Of The Day: "Everyone is growing beards, Scott, what can I do to differentiate myself from all of these trendy beard people?" Grow a mustache! "What kind of mustache should I grow?" I am glad you asked me that, creepy voice in my head. I would say there isn't much room to tread new ground in the world of mustaches. Better to follow the example of one of the greats.



Frida has some nice peach fuzz going on. So nice that I would say she exemplifies the "illegal restaurant dishwasher mustache." In addition to illegal immigrant restaurant workers, you will often see this kind of Mustache on a 13-year-old boy. That's why I would recommend this mustache to kids. It's a good first mustache. It kinda says "Hey, I'm not quite old enough to shave, but I'm old enough to look like a woman who doesn't think it's necessary to wax her upper lip." That's cool. With all of the illegal immigrants running around in America it's going to become real big, real quick. Jump on this bandwagon while it's still cool to do so.

9. SUPER MARIO magnificant Italian bastard! How do you manage to keep your mustache trimmed so clean and neat when you spend all of your time hopping down pipes, popping mushrooms and jumping on monsters? Well, when you figure it out, please let us all know. We'll be waiting for your answer.


So, you want attention? You don't care if it's positive attention or pity? Then grow your mustache like Gene Shalit and millions of people will pity you. No one likes Gene Shalit. Nobody. But everyone feels a little bad for him. This could be you!


What's going on with your mustache, Sal? Did you attach flowers to the end? You realize that's not normal right? Well, if you want to become a french waiter, or you have hard-to-get-to areas that only a long scary mustache can reach (maybe the barrel of a gun) this mustache is for you. "Scott, this mustache is just as crazy as Gene's... I don't want to be pitied." Don't worry. You won't be pitied. Everyone loves Salvador Dali....and everyone hates Gene Shalit.


Want a mustache that screams genocide, but you have Jewish friends? Still too soon to go with the hitler mustache? Never fear! There's another tyranical leader you can emulate.... STALIN! Stalin is strong! Stalin has a manly strong mustache! Got to give props to Stalin on this one.


Can't grow a mustache? Not even some peach fuzz? Well paint it on! That's what Groucho did.


Sure, Wooly Willy isn't real. But what Wooly Willy has is infinite untapped potential. Inside Wooly Willy is the finest mustache you've never seen, just waiting to come out. In these tough times, Wooly Willy's mustache potential brings hope to all of America.


Hello? Is anyone on the phone? What? There is no cord on my phone? No wonder I can't hear you! Tom Selleck has the finest 80's mustache in existance. Even Don Mattingly was like "S**t dude, that's a nice mustache!" If you drive a Delorean, this mustache's for you.


I don't care that you aren't real. I don't care that you never learned to block when you box. You set an example for the disenfranchised african american youth of today. Kids in the ghetto see you and they think, maybe if I grow a mustache, I can be somebody. And isn't that what America's all about?


The English language just doesn't have words to describe the beauty and majesty of Freddy Mercury's mustache. Just soak it in and enjoy it.


ms. changes pants while driving said...

ohmygod! when i got to 3, i was like, how does it get better than that?

but yes, mr. mercury takes the cake.

King of New York Hacks said...

That was awesome. I saw Conan O'brien and Tom Selleck suffocate his mustache on the talk show one night . Hilarious.Honorable mentions should be given to Geraldo, Einstein, Rollie Fingers, and Hitler.

JPT said...

Wow! This has inspired me - I'm going to grow one myself now!

Pamplemousse said...

Nice post.

For years now, since I was a treeplanter, and out of sheer laziness, I grew facial hair.

At first, it looked like crap, but I didn't care. I just hated all the hassle involving dragging a blade across my face. So for awhile I had a goatee. Then goatees got popular and people thought I was merely following a trend. I wasn't. I was just lazy.

Then, when I moved to Montréal, and had to start office work at 6 am, I decided that I wouldn't bother shaving my cheeks either. Next thing I know, it's hipster cool to look unkept. Again, I look as if I'm part of a trend.

I'm afraid I won't be going to mustache world, cause I figure after you blog post, that will be the next trend.

I don't want to be a trend.

Katy said...

I'm sorry, there is NO COMPETITION for Tommy boy. (As in Selleck, not the freakaziod Cruise.)


snorrie said...

eh, where's frank zappa? and how about hitler/charlie chapman?

Scott said...

Hitler was mentioned, but he did not make the top 10. I have a policy of mentioning only one dictator per blog post.
Charlie had a great mustache but it just didn't crack the top 10. I'll give it an honorable mention.

Anonymous said...

Can't believe you left off Cheech

Diesel McDickles said...

Great post. I'd have to add Zorro, Mike Ditka, and definitely Geraldo. Also maybe recategorize Frida's as an eye mustache, but that's a whole other post.

Jack Ruttan said...

Also hockey player Lanny McDonald.

Anonymous said...

You forgot the biker from the Village People...

Danielle said...

where's Burt Reynolds and the many incarnations of his 'stache? and what about Ned Flanders and his nose neighbor!!

Anonymous said...

Scott You missed this mustache.

Anonymous said...

Frank Zappa.

Anonymous said...

The Stossel Stache! John Stossel, c'mon!

olaf675 said...

Thought this was pretty good...

Maybe John Waters, Sam Elliot, Jerry Colonna

and this one.

Who knows, maybe you might even like the cartoon 'Daffy Doodles'

onebadmamajama said...

Tom Selleck and Freddy Mercury 'staches are da BOMB:)

Kokofox said...

How the hell is John Oates not on here? I'm highly disappointed... Good list though anyway.