Scott's Tip Of The Day: "Everyone is growing beards, Scott, what can I do to differentiate myself from all of these trendy beard people?" Grow a mustache! "What kind of mustache should I grow?" I am glad you asked me that, creepy voice in my head. I would say there isn't much room to tread new ground in the world of mustaches. Better to follow the example of one of the greats.
TOP 10 MUSTACHES OF ALL TIME
10. FRIDA KAHLO
Frida has some nice peach fuzz going on. So nice that I would say she exemplifies the "illegal restaurant dishwasher mustache." In addition to illegal immigrant restaurant workers, you will often see this kind of Mustache on a 13-year-old boy. That's why I would recommend this mustache to kids. It's a good first mustache. It kinda says "Hey, I'm not quite old enough to shave, but I'm old enough to look like a woman who doesn't think it's necessary to wax her upper lip." That's cool. With all of the illegal immigrants running around in America it's going to become real big, real quick. Jump on this bandwagon while it's still cool to do so.
9. SUPER MARIO
Mario....you magnificant Italian bastard! How do you manage to keep your mustache trimmed so clean and neat when you spend all of your time hopping down pipes, popping mushrooms and jumping on monsters? Well, when you figure it out, please let us all know. We'll be waiting for your answer.
8. GENE SHALIT
So, you want attention? You don't care if it's positive attention or pity? Then grow your mustache like Gene Shalit and millions of people will pity you. No one likes Gene Shalit. Nobody. But everyone feels a little bad for him. This could be you!
7. SALVADOR DALI
What's going on with your mustache, Sal? Did you attach flowers to the end? You realize that's not normal right? Well, if you want to become a french waiter, or you have hard-to-get-to areas that only a long scary mustache can reach (maybe the barrel of a gun) this mustache is for you. "Scott, this mustache is just as crazy as Gene's... I don't want to be pitied." Don't worry. You won't be pitied. Everyone loves Salvador Dali....and everyone hates Gene Shalit.
Want a mustache that screams genocide, but you have Jewish friends? Still too soon to go with the hitler mustache? Never fear! There's another tyranical leader you can emulate.... STALIN! Stalin is strong! Stalin has a manly strong mustache! Got to give props to Stalin on this one.
5. GROUCHO MARX
Can't grow a mustache? Not even some peach fuzz? Well paint it on! That's what Groucho did.
4. WOOLY WILLY
Sure, Wooly Willy isn't real. But what Wooly Willy has is infinite untapped potential. Inside Wooly Willy is the finest mustache you've never seen, just waiting to come out. In these tough times, Wooly Willy's mustache potential brings hope to all of America.
3. TOM SELLECK
Hello? Is anyone on the phone? What? There is no cord on my phone? No wonder I can't hear you! Tom Selleck has the finest 80's mustache in existance. Even Don Mattingly was like "S**t dude, that's a nice mustache!" If you drive a Delorean, this mustache's for you.
2. APOLLO CREED
I don't care that you aren't real. I don't care that you never learned to block when you box. You set an example for the disenfranchised african american youth of today. Kids in the ghetto see you and they think, maybe if I grow a mustache, I can be somebody. And isn't that what America's all about?
1. FREDDY MERCURY
The English language just doesn't have words to describe the beauty and majesty of Freddy Mercury's mustache. Just soak it in and enjoy it.