Friday, February 20, 2009

Three Most Undesirable Places To Live In America

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Every year Americans vote for the most desirable places to live in America. What cities end up on this list? New York, San Francisco, Chicago... for the most part places you would expect. That's great. But where should you never move under any circumstance? That's the million dollar question.... and that's why I compiled a list of the top three most undesirable places to live in America.

THREE: Salt Lake City

I have no problem with polygamy but when you water down my beer, then we have a problem. Not only does Salt Lake City stringently limit the alcohol content of beer served in bars, but if you want stronger alcohol you need to join a private club! What kind of hell on earth is this place!? Jesus turned water into wine. Jesus knew how to get his drink on!!! Why don't you honor his memory!

TWO: Staten Island

Don't be fooled by it's proximity to Manhattan. Why? Well, for one you can't drive from Staten Island to Manhattan, you have to take a ferry. It's cold, it doesn't run all night and its inconvenient. Staten Island contains one of the biggest garbage dumps in America. Everybody talks with awful newww yawwkkk accents. Wwhhhaatt? You gawwttaahhh walkkk yooouahhh dawgggg in the pawwwkkk? Do you actually speak like that? What? Why else shouldn't you move there? Because deep down inside every Staten Islander hopes to one day make it big and move out to New Jersey. YES! New Jersey! Most people are trying to move out of New Jersey, but Staten Islanders are trying to move in.* Staten Islanders ruin Atlantic City by polluting its clubs, and blackjack tables with cigarette smoke and hair spray. They also ruin the Jersey Shore. Staten Islanders ruin everything they touch, including Staten Island itself.

ONE: The Mississipi Delta

What do you get when you line up twenty people from the Mississipi Delta in a row? A full set of teeth! The Delta is arguably the scariest place in America. Are you Jewish? They have never seen your kind before. They may try killing you for your horns, which are presumably made of ivory. Are you from a Blue State? Well your taillight is out! What? It wasn't before? Well now it is! Do you go to church in a 20,000 seat arena where people speak tongues? Then there is probably no house of worship for you. On the bright side twenty dollars can prob buy you a pretty sweet shack and your welfare check should cover your barely wine expenses.

*Did you ever realize how you don't have to pay tolls to enter New Jersey but you have to pay tolls to leave the state? Do you think if it was a desirable place to live, that would be the case? New Jersey is trying to trap all passer-byers within its borders


Debbie said...

I love the Mississippi joke! We southerners love to poke fun at each other.

JPT said...

Staten Island? What about Roosevelt Island?!

Comedy Goddess said...

You are off to a good start. Utah in general is not great for ordering cocktails out at night with the girls, maybe that's why they perfected Peyote for tourists. I would imagine, anyway. Not that I know first hand.

Clarisse Teagen said...

Is this even true! :D

Juggle Jane said...

As a native New Yorker, I love a good Jersey joke...and Staten Island - oy. Don't get me started! Truer words have never been spoken!

Barrie said...

Is that really true about the toll and New Jersey? Wow!

Scott said...

Yep it,s true
Would I ever lie to you?

Mia Watts said...

Funny shit, Scott. Am certain I am not the only reader who tried to pronounce Staten Island speech.

Anonymous said...

I can understand New York and San Francisco, but why is Chicago so desirable?

I've seen Nicholas Cage's Weatherman and that's as close as I want to get to chicago

Anonymous said...

Chicago desirable? It snows sideways there and it's illegal for the mayor's name to be anything other than Daley. Political corruption is rampant and the trains don't even run on time.

At least the hunting is good in Utah. Just bring your own booze.

Out-Numbered said...

Dude. My Dad lived in NJ for years. I'd rather cut my own head of with a dull knife than drive through Staten Island to get there. Haven't been back there since he left. Probably never will... btw the hit you with a toll for the Gothals bridge as well, $5. Bastards.

Katy said...


Staten Island?


San Diego, Seattle (minus the neverending motherfucking rain) and maybe, um, Phoenix?

What-EVAH y'all!

(comment word verification is diatelli - I am ALL ABOUT pasta byotches!)

El Cerdo Ignatius said...

Okay. Twice in life I have passed through Staten Island (Gothals Bridge to Verrazano Narrows Bridge), and neither time have I left the Staten Island Expressway. Now, if I'm reading you right, you're saying I wasn't missing anything? I mean, your point is very subtle, and I don't want to misread it... :oD

Shirley Clary said...

Some corrections on Staten Island from a few angry ex-residents:
1. If you drive across the Verrazzano bridge you can eventually drive to manhattan. Although the guinnie gang plank brought everyone over from Brooklyn and is one of the reasons that Staten Island is so terrible today.

2. The ferry is free and it runs all night

3. The worlds largest garbage dump is a claim to fame. From space, you can see three manmade structures. (1) The great wall of china, (2) the lamp at the top of the Luxor hotel in Las Vegas, and (3) the Staten Island Garbage dump

4. Actually I have to agree with you, we ruined the jersey shore every year of my youth.

Banphrionsa said...

Wow, you're pretty harsh about Staten Island. I grew up there in Tottenville closest to the Outer Bridge and DON'T have the accent you described, I don't use hair spray, get fake tans or wear trashy clothes.

If you knew ANYTHING about New York you know that accent is actually from families who came from Brooklyn first and then moved to Staten Island. Families who have been on Staten Island for 100s of years (like mine) are Dutch and Polish and do NOT have accents like that, we generally don't have a "New York" accent at all.

The accent you are making fun of started showing up in Staten Island when the Verrazano Bridge was built and Italian families who wanted a "better life with a picket fence and yard" moved from the brownstones in Brooklyn to the more green Staten Island with big single family homes and yards.

So please, don't blame Staten Islanders for all your Woes in NJ, they're just the rich Brooklynites who moved to Staten Island giving us a bad name.

Also, the "normal trajectory" for those so called annoying people is:
Brooklyn --> Staten Island --> New Jersey --> Florida.


Dana said...

Wow thanks for taking 5 minutes from my life which I can never get back!!! The million dollar question is where not to live and since you so passionately had the answer I read on.... However clearly you did not do too much research because anyone who lives in NYC and/or it's surrounding boroughs (ESPECIALLY STATEN ISLAND) knows that you CAN drive to the city (Manhattan) and taking a Boat is an option but not one 90% of S.I. Residents use. Do you have any idea how much revenue S.I. Currently brings to the table for NYC.... Staten Island Residents would be far better off to succeed from NY because this is how NYC funds all of thier projects. Not only is it the only borough which is primarily suburban but I know all my neighbors and my child will be better off being raised here then another part of New York City. Living here allows people to work in the city (where jobs pay higher) come home to a house and the luxury of a quiet environment, as well as having some of the best schools in the city. In addition, there are so many HISTORIC events that took place here with Americas FOUNDING FATHERS which means you are not allowed to bash it unless you lived here. I was born here and I will give you ONE THING most people born in Staten Island stay here and you will rarely here a SI resident say I want to move to Brooklyn, Queens or the Bronx but I guarantee you that people from the the above noted boroughs not only say they want to live in SI (regardless if they admit it) but in fact move here and that is the only reason people born here LEAVE.