Monday, February 2, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: So, you made a few extra bucks by perpetrating a giant ponzi scheme? You scammed some hard working Americans out of their money? Times were good.... for awhile. Then this economic downturn came out of nowhere and blew your plan to bits. Now you are heading to prison. Even your millions of dollars can't buy your way out of this one. That's too bad. I can't say I am sorry. But, I am still a good guy and I will give you some tips on how to survive your stay in the big house. If you want to show your appreciation you can give me the account number and password to one of your unmarked bank accounts in Luxembourg. Anyway...
HOW TO SURVIVE PRISON
1. MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION
If other prisoners sense you are weak, they will make you their bitch. I try to keep this blog safe for work, so I won't get into the gory details, but YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE SOMEBODY'S BITCH!!!!! I cannot stress that enough. So how do you avoid this? Show everyone you are tough. During your first day in prison, go up to the largest, scariest man you see and s*** your pants, punch him in the face and bite his arm. Yeah, I know. That sounds crazy. But that's exactly what you want. Nobody is going to mess with the crazy guy who isn't afraid to attack the biggest guy in prison. Especially if they know you periodically poop yourself. At the very least, nobody wants a bitch that poops himself.
2. DON'T DROP THE SOAP
The best investment you can make in prison is Soap On a Rope. It seems simple right? Well, it is simple. When you are showering in prison you never drop the soap. Never. Ever.
3. WATCH OUT FOR THE SHIV
According to Wikipedia, "A shiv is a slang term for a sharp or pointed implement used as an improvised knife-like weapon . The shiv is the favored weapon of inmates in prisons across the world. It is infamous for its versatility - a shiv can be anything from a glass shard with cloth wrapped around one end to form a handle, to a razorblade stuck in the end of a toothbrush, to a sharpened spoon." If I learned anything from watching Oz on HBO, wear something under your shirt to prevent you from taking a deep stabbing. If you can get one of your old Wall Street buddies to sneak a kevlar vest into prison for you, it might not be a bad idea to wear it.
4. JOIN A GANG
The best way to protect yourself is to join a gang. After you poop yourself (step 1), it might be awhile until people are ready to talk to you again. After a few weeks, approach a gang you think you gel with. "What gang do I gel with?" Good question. Do you celebrate Ramadan? You probably want to join the Muslim Brotherhood. Do you hate minorities? Sounds like you are an Arian. Are you a nerdy Jewish man with a background in accounting? Well then you should join the Jewish Accountant gang.
I got your hopes up didn't I? Yeah, I know. There is no nerdy Jewish accountant gang. Yeah. You are pretty much screwed. You should probably just keep pooping your pants.
If you follow these four steps you should be able to survive a maximum security prison. I wish you all the best of luck.