Monday, February 9, 2009

Handcuff Attache Case Man


Scott's Tip Of The Day: This tip of the day goes out to Barack Obama. Being President aint easy, is it? You thought it was going to be one big party....cigars, felatio, you know, the whole nine yards. Well, as you now see it's pretty tough. You have a lot of problems to deal with....and I can help. Sure I might not know much about the economy, international relations, Congress, vetos, torture, oil or anti-semetic reverends, but what I do know a lot about is your Handcuff Attache Case Man.

I read a lot of spy novels. Robert Ludlum, Frederick Forsyth, David Morrell. I have seen every episode of 24 on TV. I watch a lot of Tom Clancy films (his novels are usually long and boring). What have I learned? In a time of crisis, the President always has a man close by with nuclear launch codes. This man wears a dark suit and carries the codes in an attache case handcuffed to his arm. He's ready to open this briefcase at a moment's notice. So what's the problem?

In a time where leaks in the CIA and FBI are not unheard of, don't you think it would be a better idea for Handcuff Attache Case Man to keep a lower profile? Don't you think he's making himself a target? Maybe the handcuff is a little much? If someone really wanted those codes, he could chop that dude's hand off. Maybe Handcuff Attache Case Man can just keep the codes in a portfolio? or a messenger bag? Maybe he can keep the attache case and lose the handcuffs? No? You don't like that idea?

Mr. President, can't you just hold onto these codes? You have pockets, right? Maybe keep them in your wife's purse? Do you really need a prickly white dude standing around all the time, bringin your mojo down? What? You work with Joe Biden? Ok, well let me rephrase that. Do you really need another prickly white dude hangin around all the time? Don't you want to have a cool entourage? Like Vinny Chase? Maybe include a fat guy called Turtle or something instead?

Basically, the handcuffs are a bit dramatic. They hurt Handcuff Attache Case Man's wrist. Give the poor dude a break!

14 comments:

Suzie said...

Yeah but it just looks so cool

Jan said...

Keep them in his wife's purse??

Dude - you're not married, are you?

Mia Watts said...

Suzie is on to something. Attache case man is there as red herring. Actual launch codes are tattooed under Obama's tongue. Only method for extraction is use of drugged M&Ms to unclench flashing white grill of pres and relax him enough to talk.

Scott said...

Nope, I am not married. If Michelle carries a big bag what's the problem? She can fit a few launch codes in there. I mean come on, it's the least she can do.

Jan said...

Well, let's just put it this way: if the First Lady's purse is anything like my purse, Barack would have her put them in there, only to be sucked in by the black hole that is the bottom of her purse. They would then only surface after they've had to request new credit card numbers, er, change the launch codes.

"Damn it - I thought you said you LOST them!"

"Well, I thought I HAD - they weren't there YESTERDAY when you asked for them!"

wolf said...

I've thought of hiring somebody to follow me around with a briefcase handcuffed to his wrist, just so I look important.

No, I have no life. Why do you ask?

Mia Watts said...

Wolf, if you had intimidating attache-case-man following you, would assume kinky BDSM power trip.

Would be fascinated. Please hire immediately.

raf said...

Hello. You posted on my blog a while ago about linking to each other's blog. I finally got around to it.

Yay!

http://www.rafi.tv/deconstructingmallard/

Barrie said...

I need handcuffs to attach MY purse to MY wrist. I've gotten into this horrible habit of misplacing it.

Barrie said...

Scott, were you wanting me to add your blog link to my list of Blogs I Visit on my sidebar?

jacqueline said...

LOL I think the purse idea is a good one ~ give Michelle more responsibility than just modeling clothes for the tabloids.

El Cerdo Ignatius said...

Hmmm... you may be on to something, Scott, but then again, the red herring theory seems plausible. Maybe there are three or four mojo-reducing white guys wandering around with briefcases handcuffed to their arms, and only one of them has the right codes.

Do you really need a prickly white dude standing around all the time, bringin your mojo down? What? You work with Joe Biden? Ok, well let me rephrase that.

Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!

frankmurray said...

very sexly- i want 2 b handcuff 2 a brifcase- frankmurray@charter.net

frankmurray said...

i want 2 b handcuff 2 a brifcase- that would b somding hott- frankmurray@charter.net