Monday, February 9, 2009
Handcuff Attache Case Man
Scott's Tip Of The Day: This tip of the day goes out to Barack Obama. Being President aint easy, is it? You thought it was going to be one big party....cigars, felatio, you know, the whole nine yards. Well, as you now see it's pretty tough. You have a lot of problems to deal with....and I can help. Sure I might not know much about the economy, international relations, Congress, vetos, torture, oil or anti-semetic reverends, but what I do know a lot about is your Handcuff Attache Case Man.
I read a lot of spy novels. Robert Ludlum, Frederick Forsyth, David Morrell. I have seen every episode of 24 on TV. I watch a lot of Tom Clancy films (his novels are usually long and boring). What have I learned? In a time of crisis, the President always has a man close by with nuclear launch codes. This man wears a dark suit and carries the codes in an attache case handcuffed to his arm. He's ready to open this briefcase at a moment's notice. So what's the problem?
In a time where leaks in the CIA and FBI are not unheard of, don't you think it would be a better idea for Handcuff Attache Case Man to keep a lower profile? Don't you think he's making himself a target? Maybe the handcuff is a little much? If someone really wanted those codes, he could chop that dude's hand off. Maybe Handcuff Attache Case Man can just keep the codes in a portfolio? or a messenger bag? Maybe he can keep the attache case and lose the handcuffs? No? You don't like that idea?
Mr. President, can't you just hold onto these codes? You have pockets, right? Maybe keep them in your wife's purse? Do you really need a prickly white dude standing around all the time, bringin your mojo down? What? You work with Joe Biden? Ok, well let me rephrase that. Do you really need another prickly white dude hangin around all the time? Don't you want to have a cool entourage? Like Vinny Chase? Maybe include a fat guy called Turtle or something instead?
Basically, the handcuffs are a bit dramatic. They hurt Handcuff Attache Case Man's wrist. Give the poor dude a break!