Thursday, April 30, 2009

Children's Songs - Scott's Sixth Letter

Hello Dr. Scott I have a personal question, but due to the nature of your fifth letter, I feel a tad more inclined to ask you such a weird sexual question, which is so odd and bizarre, I'm sure you will wonder if I have made this up. After "fucking my fiance's brain's out" I get strange kids' songs stuck in my head: 10 Little Monkeys, 3 Monkeys and an Alligator, 3 Sharp Tooth Buzzards. After about reaching the end of the alligator song, I kind of want to go again. How weird is that. Dr. Scott, am I a sexual perdator? Or just weird. -MJ Philly, PA

Thank you for taking the time to write, MJ. While answering this email, I am going to operate under the assumption you are a guy, since it appears you are the person in this relationship who does the aforementioned f**king. If you participate in unorthodox sex, then I apologize for making this assumption.

First off, being a sexual predator and being weird are not mutually exclusive. It's not like you have two paths to walk down in life - the life of a sexual predator or the life of a weirdo. Almost all sexual predators are weird by definition.

Second, according to Wikipedia, "The term sexual predator is used pejoratively to describe a person seen as obtaining or trying to obtain sexual contact with another person in a metaphorically "predatory" manner. Analogous to how a predator hunts down its prey, so the sexual predator is thought to "hunt" for his or her sex partners. People who commit sex crimes, such as rape or child sexual abuse, are commonly referred to as sexual predators, particularly in tabloid media or as a power phrase by politicians."

Is your fiance a child? That would certainly explain why you get kids' songs in your head. Do you commit sex crimes on your fiance? I certainly hope not. Assuming your fiance is not a child, I think we can rule out the sexual predator thing.

Now MJ, are you weird? is it normal to have kids songs in your head while having sex? No, it is certainly not normal. It is very unusual and a little disturbing. If you are a guy, there are only a few things that can go through your head while having sex that can be construed as normal.

These thoughts include:
-"Wow, I am actually having sex"
-"Should I tell her the condom broke? I am never going to see her again."
-"I am going to regret this in the morning when I have to pull the coyote."
-"I'm hungry."
-"I think she's faking it"

If you are a gal, there are only a few things that really go through your head.
These include:
-"Oh man, when is this going to be over"
-"Did I leave the oven on?"
-"I'm tired"
-"It's really time to paint the ceiling in here"
-"You're done already? Seriously?"

So, since your thoughts do not fall into either category, by definition you are weird. It's OK, MJ. What is normal anyway? At least you have a fiance. Someone appreciates your unusual behavior. I just hope she's older than 16-years-old.

I hope I answered your question to your satisfaction, MJ. Feel free to write back any time. As for the rest of my readers, I can be contacted at What's on your mind? Send me an email, ask me a question, I would be happy to share my boundless knowledge with you. Just remember to sign each letter with your first name and your location. Until the next time!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Actually, I'm a female. MJ= Mary Jane? You know, like in Spiderman? =p And I do the dances and everything. But thank you! I do quite enjoy being weird, and feel quite lucky to have found a guy who embraces the weirdness and lets me fly my freak flag. Even if it is singing about monkeys teasing alligators. =D


Thanks for your time, and letting me be weird without thinking I am some sort of crazy person.

PS- We're both 23. Just so you know. It's not like I've kidnapped that kid in whatever Nick show is big right now.