Friday, April 24, 2009

Wizards & Hipsters, Scott's First Letter

To dear old Uncle Scott,

I feel foolish doing this. I hope I'm not the only one bugging you, because that would be awkward for both of us.
So, are you kind of like the Great and Powerful Oz, where you're just some wrinkley meek old dude behind a curtain (who's going to give us crap we've had all along), or are you some legit hipster with humerous observations?
Just wondering.

You are actually the first to email me. But don't feel bad for bugging me. I am here to help. Sometimes I am even available for a hug (schedule permitting). I need to see I.D. first, however. Last time I hugged a fan, she turned out to be 13-years-old. I ended up in Attica. I guess I didn't need to use roofies for just a hug. But you know how it is, Annon, old habits die hard. Anyway, let me answer your questions-

FIRST - I am not a hipster. Although I can be frequently found in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, I do not wear tight jeans. I don't have any skinny ties in my closet. I do not own a pair of Converse All-Stars. I don't have a jaded attitude, or any ironic tattoos. My glasses do not resemble Buddy Holly's.

SECOND- I am not a wizard. I am not a Grand Wizard. I am not a racist, xenophobe, xerox machine or xylophone. I actually resemble Cookie Puss, Carvel's delicious ice cream cake. I do not have an ice cream cone for a nose though.

See below:

I am old enough to dispense invaluable advice, and in the end that is what's most important.

THIRD - My intention is not to "Give you crap you had all along." Through personal experience I have found people do not enjoy receiving crap for any reason. There are a few who fertilize their vegetables.....german porn stars....but the vast majority of the population has no interest in your crap, my crap or anyone's crap. I am here to make the world a better place. Turn on the news. Pirates attacking innocent people. Religious extremists putting guns in children's hands. Selfish bankers destroying the economy. Through this blog I hope to mitigate the damage these monsters have caused.

I hope I answered your question to your satisfaction Annon. Feel free to write back. If anyone else has any questions for me, the all knowing Scott, I can be reached at Please include your first name and location in the email.
Until the next time!


Mia Watts said...

So the sideburns on your face... they resemple hands in mittens and your eyesockets suspiciously appear as rumpled toilet paper rolls? Damn. Yer fuckin' hawt.

Anonymous said...

Very much appreciated. But that nose reminds me of a penis. But maybe that's just me.