Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Easter Bunny

Scott's Tip Of The Day: "Scott, what does the Easter Bunny have to do with Easter?" That's a very good question. According to the book of Raul, (Raul was one of Jesus' disciples, if you look at Leonardo's painting of the Last Supper, you will see him crouched under the table, eating crumbs off the floor), the Easter Bunny was sent to earth by God to cook Jesus breakfast. To quote Raul 3:19 "And then the Mighty Lord sent thine divine Bunny of Easter to Jesus to cook his meals and be his personal chef. He was 3 cubits tall and his fur shone bright like a fluorescent pink highlighter (I bet you didn't know they used highlighters back then). Thine Bunny of Easter made Jesus bountiful breakfasts of eggs and bacon and would hide the breakfast all over Jesus' front lawn, wherest thou he would search for his breakfast before he ate it. Jesus loved such games. Jesus also loved Light Bright, Star Wars coloring books and Starting Lineup baseball figurines."

"But Scott, this still doesn't explain why we celebrate Easter!" OK, OK. I was getting to that....
If we look at Raul 5:23, it reads: "And then one day in a tragic accident, thine Bunny of Easter spilt cooking oil all over his beautiful fur. Thine Bunny reached for a towel to wipe himself off, but when thine Bunny of Easter leaned over the stove to grab a towel, he set his beautiful fur on fire. Thine Bunny of Easter shouted "Mother F**ker!" and ran all over town screaming like Richard Simmons when he gets his period. All of the children pointed and laughed. Jesus walked over to thine Bunny of Easter, who was severely burnt and barely conscious. Thine Bunny of Easter asked for Jesus' healing hand. 'Jesus, thou must save my life so I can cookest thou breakfast tomorrow.' Jesus replied 'Thine Bunny of Easter, you consistently undercook my eggs. Thine eggs are runny and gross. Furthermore, I know you have been using Egg Beaters after I specifically told you not to. I don't have cholesterol problems. Why can't you just feed me some real eggs. And what's this shit where you hide my breakfast on my lawn? I thought it was funny at first, but the joke is over. I mean what the hell, man? Can't you just serve me breakfast at the breakfast table. I made that breakfast table. I'm a carpenter. Why don't we get some use out of it? What's an Israelite gotta do around here to get his breakfast on?'

Jesus then stomped thine Bunny of Easter's face and his blood and guts flew all over the children. All of the children cried. Jesus then sayeth 'Children, thoust shall remember this day. Every Spring thou must search for painted eggs on thine lawn. Thou shalst remember thine Bunny cook of Jesus and thoust shall remember to cook my eggs properly! And if thoust serve me runny eggs I will stop your gourd in like the f**king bunny!!!!"

And that's the story of Easter.


Michael said...

And what did Jesus say to his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross?

"Don't touch my fucking easter eggs, I'll be back on Monday."

Anonymous said...

Wow. Someone has issues with Easter, huh? Did't get much from the Easter bunny growing up, I guess. ;)