Thursday, April 30, 2009

Hired Goons - Scott's Seventh Letter

Dear All Knowing Scott, I have a friend with a large outstanding debt. I have no goons of my own and I was wondering if you had some sort of service where you would rent them out at an hourly rate, or if they could be available for a percentage of the take? Normally I would try and take care of these things myself but this guy lives in Hoboken and I hate going to Jersey. If you can't lend me your goons, could you give me some advice about recruiting some of my own? Where do you find them and how do you keep them in line? Looking forward to your help, Ryan in NYC


Thanks for writing me again. I hope that since we last corresponded you were able to purge your sexual deviancy. You definitely came to the right person with your question. Not only have I had to deal with people shirking bets, but I am Jewish, so clearly, I know a lot about money.

I am sorry to tell you, that my goons work on an exclusive basis for me. It's hard to find good goons. Why is it so hard? Have you ever watched the Batman series? (I am referring to the old campy 60's series starring Adam West.) Batman faced diabolical enemies. The Joker. Catwoman. The Riddler. These guys were crafty. These guys were sharp. Your ordinary police officer couldn't stop them. Batman was the only man for the job. All of this would lead you to believe Batman's nemeses would have hired brilliant help. Well, for whatever reason, this was not the case. All it really took from Batman was a BAM! or POW! and the goons (aka 'henchmen') were down for the count. Why couldn't the police stop them? Well, you have to remember America's police force is comprised of America's C students. They are also pretty corrupt. Just ask Frank Serpico. Anyway, I digress.....the point is good henchmen are hard to find and I can't afford to give mine up.

I can, however, assist you in recruiting your own goons. Any good goon posseses the following characteristics:

-The goon is large in size.
At least 6'2" and preferabbly heavy. Andre The Giant would have made the perfect goon. He was basically a goon in the princess bride.

-The goon goes by a cool name
You definitely want a goon with an intimidating name. Wrecking Ball. That's a pretty cool name for a goon. Switchblade. That sounds scary! You can also take an alternate approach and name your goon something ironic like Tiny.

-The goon is of average intelligence
You definitely don't want a goon that's intelligent enough to usurp you. On the other hand, you need someone capable, who isn't dumb enough to be outsmarted by the mark you are shaking down.

-The goon is loyal
Above all else, you want a loyal goon. If he gets pinched, you don't want him squealing to the 5-0

A good way to find a goon is to slay a druglord or underworld kingpin and assume control of his crime syndicate. This way, you already have an array of goons you can select from. If you don't have the muscle, ambition or wherewithall to take down a crime syndicate, a good place to start is your local police station. Check out the overnight lockup and see if anyone is physically imposing. If you find someone who fits the profile, bail him out of jail and take him under your wing.

"But Scott, I'm afraid!" Don't be scared. Money talks. Pay your goon well and he has no reason to clobber you or defect from your crew. A well paid goon is a happy goon. If you have multiple goons, apportion head clobbering duties equally amongst your goons as to not create jealousy or internal strife within the organization. Remember: Every goon likes to clobber. Keep your goons clobbering and they will be a happy bunch with a high morale. Additionally, some other good places to find goons include pool halls and underground death matches.

I hope I have helped you with your problem, Ryan. Feel free to write back with more questions. As for the rest of you, if you have any questions, please email me at Be sure to include your first name and where you are from. I look forward to hearing from you! Until the next time...

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