Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Sexual Deviancy - Scott's Fifth Letter

Dear All Knowing Scott, I am a sexual deviant, and I know you told us not to write you, but I'm desperate. I was wondering how I could purge myself of this deviancy and write you a letter asking for advice.

-Ryan from NYC


Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to write to me. I am aware you could have engaged in all sorts of salacious acts in the 30 seconds it took to write that letter, and it warms my heart that my advice means that much to you. I would also like to thank you for emailing me and not sending me a letter through the mail. Based on the nature of your question, I would have had to scan your letter with a fluorescent light, and that's just too complicated and time consuming for a busy guy like myself.

Your question is very general and it is very difficult to answer, since I don't know what your bizarre sexual behaviors are. Do you like to dress up in furry animal costumes while having intercourse? Are you a Cleveland Steamer kind of guy? Have you ever space docked?
Maybe the behavior you engage in so vile that they don't even have a name for it...yet? Would you be ashamed to perform these acts in the back room of an adult video store?

You really aren't giving me a lot to go on. But I am going to break it down real simple. You have a deviancy. You want to purge it. What does this remind you of? The exorcist! You need an exorcism! It's not your fault you're sexually attracted to 70-year-old women. Oh wait, that was James. I am sorry. What was I saying? Oh yeah! It's not your fault! It's the Devil inside! Just like the INXS song! "But Scott, where can I get an exorcism?" Good question!

The Roman Catholic Church has the ability to perform exorcisms. But, the Roman Catholic Church requires a physician rule out the existence of a medical or psychological condition before an exorcism can be conducted. Do you see a shrink? Have you told him you like to dress up in animal costumes before intercourse? Has he been unable to assist you? Then you can approach the Roman Catholic Church and request an exorcism. But, be careful. They will probably make you convert to Catholicism.,. and what's worse....being a sexual deviant? Or being a Catholic? Yeah. You're right. Being a Catholic is definitely worse.

So Ryan,
sometimes there's just no perfect answer. Even though I know everything, it doesn't mean a perfect solution exists. If a perfect solution existed, I would know of it. Unfortunately, you will just have to learn to live with your sexual deviancy. Believe me, it is better than the alternative.

Feel free to write me back, Ryan. If anyone else has any questions for me, the all knowing Scott, I can be reached at Please include your first name and location in the email.
Until the next time!


james said...

excellent reference to another sexual deviant, throwing INXS out there
hard to believe you went catholicism and didn't make a priest/altar boy joke for the deviant

Simon said...

Like a fool I followed the links for 'Cleveland Steamer' and 'space docking'. Oh God. I feel sick. Well, I needed to lose some weight, but maybe killing my appetite for the next fortnight in this way wasn't quite the way to go.

Good advice though, Scott.

Off now in search of a barf bag...