Thursday, July 23, 2009

America


Scott's Tip Of The Day: I just arrived home from a vacation in British Columbia. It was a lot of fun. Canada is a great place...except for one thing...Canadians' attitude toward Americans. Now, not every Canadian has a problem with Americans, but a lot do. "America starts wars. America pollutes the earth. America turned Michael Jackson white." Etc. Etc. Well, let me respond to some of these critics.

CRITICISM OF AMERICA NUMBER 1: America is a major contributor to earth's air pollution
SCOTT'S RESPONSE: Yeah, well. Air pollution Air shmolution. You think sunsets would be as pretty if pollution wasn't turning the sky some weird hue of pink or orange? NO! Do you think your lungs would be as strong as they are now if they didn't have to sift through the pollution particles to get to oxygen? NO! America is doing the world a favor. America is toughening the world up! Breathe in that pollution! It's good for ya! It will put some hair on your chest!

CRITICISM OF AMERICA NUMBER 2: America starts wars.
SCOTT'S RESPONSE: War. What is it good for? Uh...absolutely EVERYTHING! America spends billions and billions of dollars on its defense budget. We have the newest hi-tech killing toys. And you want us to just let these sit in a base in Georgia and rust? No! We gotta use them. Awww. Don't worry Canada. Don't worry Europe. We don't want to use them on you! How about we use them on the sand people! People who live in hills and caves? People who believe in polygamy and exploding themselves because they believe if they kill themselves fighting infidels they'll get virgins in heaven. Not like they'd know what to do with so many virgins anyway. You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. How exactly do these suicide bombers plan to pick up these virgins in heaven. Sure, the virgins will be there for the taking, but what are these guys gonna say to pick em up? Uh, hey, my name is Ahmed. Yeah, I have mites in my beard.... But, I digress. Chill out rest of the world. No one is going to miss these people. We can take all of their oil and we will charge the rest of you reasonable rates for it. What? You still care if we blow them up? What are you crazy? Have you been listening to anything I have been saying?

CRITICISM OF AMERICA 3: America is a bully.
SCOTT'S RESPONSE: Who said that?! I said WHO SAID THAT!? You better shut your mouth before I come over there and beat you down with my strong American arms and unmistakable American swagger.

So as you can see, all criticisms of America are unfounded. America is the best country on earth. We embrace materialism, violence, sex, rock & roll, overindulgance and cold hard cash. If you can find something better to do with your time, I'm all ears.

5 comments:

foutsc said...

Thanks for the morning laugh! They're still pissed at us? I thought all that was supposed to change since the cowboy went back to Texas.

I guess it's true: Everybody needs somebody to hate. Might as well be us

Fairy Mae said...

Gotta say, that as a Canadian, I think you are alright. I have no beef with you. I do however, have a beef with most of the people in Ontario. Now, there's attitude! Yikes!

Jenni said...

I heart you.

William said...

Bahahaha. Brilliant post.
The answer to air pollution gave me a good laugh.

Jason said...

Going to add you right now man. Let me know when the transaction is complete.