Friday, July 10, 2009

Ouija Boards

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Whatever you do, don't buy a Ouija board!!! See my correspondences with Hasbro below:

Dear Hasbro,

I purchased a glow in the dark Ouija board for my son, L'Marshawn's 8th birthday. He has been asking for one since he saw his "homey" Tryice use one during snack time at Martin Luther King Jr. elementary. L'Marshawn brought his Ouija board to a friend's sleepover party the other night. He returned without sleeping a wink. He now claims to have been possessed by the ghost of Francis Scott Key. I did not believe him at first, but when he was able to play the Star Spangled Banner perfectly on piano, I knew it was for real. (We are Canadian, he never learned the Star Spangled Banner)
He has had some interesting stories about encountering Joseph Goebbels and River Phoenix in the afterlife. (This is confusing to me. Either Joseph Goebbels is in heaven or Francis Scott Key was in hell... but this is neither here nor there) Anyway, do you have any sort of tool to extricate the ghost of Francis Scott Key from my son? He is very well behaved but it's not funny anymore and i want L'Marshawn back. Thank you -Scott

And Hasbro's response....

Dear Scott,

Thank you for contacting us regarding Hasbro's Ouija game. We apologize for your recent experience and we appreciate your taking the time to bring this matter to our attention.
Hasbro, Inc. prides itself on its excellent reputation, based on years of experience in planning, designing and constructing safe, dependable and age appropriate products. We do count on parents such as you to help us maintain the high standards we keep for parents and their children. For your convenience, we will send a postage paid label to assist you in returning the game to us. Unfortunately, we cannot do so without a sufficient address. Your email profile does not have a postal code but rather a US zip code. Please update this as soon as possible and respond to this email so we can send the shipping label. As soon as we receive the product, we will forward it to our Quality Assurance team for further evaluation, and a different product of comparable value will be sent. Thank you.

Safe products? How is a Ouija board safe? You are putting people in touch with spirits of the netherworld. What if they're angry spirits? Then what!!!??
I also get the feeling Hasbro wasn't listening to me. How is mailing my Ouija board back to Hasbro going to purge Francis Scott's Key's ghost from L'Marshawn's body? Huh!? I don't want a refund! I want my son back! Hasbro doesn't seem to want to take any responsibility here. "If we give you a refund, will you leave us alone and forget about your son?" No! I won't! I don't want your blood money, Hasbro! Well, OK. I do. But I want more than I spent on the board game! Come on! Make me a reasonable offer! How about a few benjamins? No? Well, I won't be buying your board games anymore! And readers, neither should you.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Is your significant other mad because you pulled the angry badger on her? Are people hesitant to hang out with you because you bring your Furby everywhere? Do you keep getting arrested for pickpocketing senior citizens in the retirement home? Well then I can help. I can help you with any and all of your problems. Just shoot me an email at Ask me for help. That's what I'm here for. I'll make all of your problems dissapear.


Jenni said...

I'll have to think of something.

This reminds me of this time in High school. My friend and I went on some Land O' Lakes cheese chatroom conference..or a Q and A, and we were SO freaking obnoxious, using "Cheese" after every line the answerer was saying. I wish I still had the transcript, but it was almost ten years ago...I know I'm not making it sound funny, but trust me, we nearly peed our pants laughing. Ahh, early online harassment....

Keep up the good work.

Amishii said...

why would they make such a thing anyway. They disturb the resting souls of the netherworld. >3<

Anonymous said...

new christian bible would help to keep a clear mind and maybe an understanding of life,anyone can really think of something and finally try to make a wild guess of what they thought about to make it work,everything is made of wood and letters,a wooden computer desk with keys,stick with reality.