Monday, June 29, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you're interviewing for a job? You had been working in the same place for 10 years and you don't remember how to interview. You're probably nervous too. Don't know what to do? Good thing I'm here to set you straight. Just follow my simple tips and you will be OK:
MASTERING THE INTERVIEW
-Always begin your interview by referring to your interviewer as "Colonel." The interviewer will then probably say, "I am not a colonel. I am not in the army, why did you call me that?" At this point say "Oh I assumed by your good posture and your chiseled body that I must be talking to a successful military man." Your interviewer will be flattered and this will set you on the right track for the rest of the interview.
-One thing that really frightens employers, especially the HR department is the prospect of lawsuits. No one will want to employ you if they suspect you will be a source of litigation. So what do you do? Allay their fears. Over the course of the interview, it is advisable that on at least 12 different occasions, you interrupt the interviewer to say "I just want to stress, I will not be suing you for sexual harassment if you hire me. Seriously, I would never sue you for millions of dollars. Seriously" They will feel a lot more comfortable hiring you after this disclosure.
-Gesticulate a lot when you are talking. Did you ever used to make shadow animals on the wall when you were a kid? Do that during your interview when you are talking. Also, clench your fist like an irate Mussolini and bang it on the table. If you really want to show you are passionate take your shoe off and slam it on your interviewers desk. Hey, it worked for Khrushchev! Oh wait, it didn't work for him. But it will probably work for you!
-When your interview is over, make sure to hug the person who interviewed you. Give them a big bear hug. Everyone shakes hands. That's pedestrian. You want to stand out. So give the potential boss a big hug and you'll get a lot of loving back.... in the form of a new job!
Follow these tips and you will be working in no time. What's that? Oh. Don't thank me. Just send me 10% of your new salary. That's all the thanks I need.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: It's a sad day when Michael Jackson dies. Everybody loved him. Especially the American judicial system, for it's not often that judges give a child molester two second chances. But hey, if you recorded Thriller you would have gotten away with diddling kids too.
In the wake of all of this, a lot of people are upset. Rightfully so. There's like over a million peeps in England who bought tickets to see Jackson live that are SOL. Hopefully they get their money back. If they bought scalped tickets I imagine they are really screwed. Then there's Michael's family. His kids Blanket, Blanket 2 and Blanket 3, or Price Blanket or whatever they're called. Lucky for them, Michael's mom, Katherine Jackson, pumped 9 babies out of her vuh-jay jay (for future reference it's called birth control Katherine, you can find it in any pharmacy), so they should be able to find an Uncle or Aunt to watch over them. Don't leave them with Jermaine though. He named one of his kids Jermajesty. That by itself should be considered some kind of child abuse, but that's another can of worms all together.
And then, there's someone we're all forgetting. Bubbles. Am I the only one that remembers this chimp? Michael slept with him in his room. He let Bubbles use his private bathroom. Then Michael had children, Bubbles got violent and Michael sent Bubbles away. Where is Bubbles during all of this? Is he still in his animal sanctuary? I didn't read about his chauefer driving him in his Chimp Limo to the hospital. He must still be hurting. Maybe Bubbles was embarassed that he still wears diapers? Maybe he didn't think the hospital staff would let him in? NO CHIMPS ALLOWED. What a backwards world we live in. I don't want to live in a world where a chimp can't visit me in the hospital.
Anyway, Bubbles, Michael was a little loopy, so don't take it personally. You don't have a private bathroom in your animal sanctuary and I am sure it's embarassing having all of those chimps watch you poop on the ground, but Michael loved you. I love you too Bubbles. I understand it's only natural to want to bite a kid named Blanket. I feel the same way, and I may have tried to bite him too. Let's do dinner sometime, yes? Have your chimps call my people. I know a great place we can get a bannana split.
Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you are the governor of a state, your constituents WILL notice if you dissapear for a week. If you are going to dissapear to Argentina to cheat on your wife, you better come up with a better excuse than "I may hike the Appalachian trail for a few days."
Possible excuses that would have worked:
-Went to top secret lab to have all memories of 1990's sitcom Dinosaurs removed from my memory
-Renditioned for suspected terrorist activity at an undisclosed military installation in unknown country
-I was waiting in line at the Post Office to mail a letter
-I'd fallen and I couldn't get up
-Followed Jonas Brothers on tour
-Feeling bloated from eating too many starches (Chicks will love this)
-Took the dog on a long walk
-Governor David Patterson was driving me home and we got lost....for a week....because he's blind
-Saw RV, fell into deep depression. Took me a week to come to terms with the fact I will never get those two hours of my life back.
-Kidnapped by Somalian pirates
-Kidnapped by Mexican drug cartel
-Kidnapped by Dick Cheney
-Kidnapped by Care Bears
-Spent week trying to figure out why people find Robert Pattinson relevant
-Arrested by Revolutionary Guard
-Heavy Fog on Oregon Trail caused me to lose 7 days.
-Ate candy stranger gave me, can't remember anything
-Got manhood stuck in glory hole.
-Told friend I would watch Cricket game with him, didn't realize the game took days
-I was here all along, didn't you see me?
-Had to go back in time to the 1950's to save Doc
-Boy George chained me to his wall
Any of these excuses would have been better than "I might hike the Appalachian trail." Remember for next time!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: When one goes back to change something that is already great, they usually ruin it. Just look at Star Wars. Why did you change the Ewok Dance song at the end of Return of the Jedi? Did you think I wouldn't notice, George? I did! Why did you replace guns with walkie talkies in E.T., Stephen Spielberg! Wouldn't it be funny if Elliot got capped?
But on the other hand, sometimes, a fresh set of eyes can really improve something. The above Youtube video is a perfect example of that.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: I know with the advent of instant messaging, Skype and Twitter there are a many new ways for people to communicate. But the phone still works. Did you hear what happened to Perez Hilton this weekend? He was allegedly assaulted by Will.i.am and his security guards. He then proceeded to tweet he needed help and wanted the police to come immediately. Apparently the police didn't come and he continued to tweet for police assistance. You know why the police didn't come, Perez? Because the police still use the telephone. They don't tweet, you retard! You can't tweet crimes to the police. They are too busy locking up murderers and rapists to check their blackberry for tweets. "OMFG, Perez tweeted he needs help, lets drop everything and run to his side. Framing this black man for drug crimes can wait, lets just go help Perez!" Get real! Maybe if you stopped antagonizing celebrities this wouldn't happen?
If I upset you Perez, I'm not sorry. Tweet about it. Blog about it. Clearly, I am not worried about you inflicting any physical pain on me.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: You know what's scary? STALKERS! I wish I had some music on here so I could sufficiently dramatize what I'm saying. STALKERS DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN. I guess that will have to do. Anyway where was I? What was I talking about? What happened to my coffee? Where's my coffee? I guess I drank my coffee. Nevermind people I found my coffee. I am a bit distracted today. Where was I? Oh yeah....
STALKERS DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN. Everyone's got one! OK, maybe not everyone. David Letterman had one. Conan O'Brein had one. And I've got a few too. Important people have them. I guess you wouldn't know anything about that, would you? Sucks to be you, dude! What? Who are some of the people that have stalked me? Well, this guy for one.
Yeah, it's the kid from Step By Step! He was in Beethoven too! He's a huge nerd and he's killin my buzz. Wastin my flava' when all I'm tryin' to do is hold it down for the people. I have other stalkers too. People from my past (you know who you are). People from the future. My great grandchildren have travelled back in time to question me why I squandered their inheritance on slap bracelets and pogs. Why? Because they are AWESOME, hellooo!????
Anyway, I am digressing again. It's hard not to digress when someone brings up that nerdy kid from Step By Step, isn't it? I mean, I bet you haven't thought about him in a few years. I bet you are mad I brought him up, because all you want to do is punch him in the face for being such a whiney bitch. I don't blame you. But let's get back to pogs, I mean stalkers, shall we?
STALKERS DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN. I don't like stalkers! Stop creepin and crawlin! This aint the monster mash. This is my life! I'm not Tracy Gold. I'm not fat and washed up, I don't need stalkers to raise my self esteem. If any of you don't think a stalker would brighten up Tracy Gold's life you are surely mistaken. Please note: I am not endorsing the stalking of Tracy Gold, she is just a chick who hasn't been in the spotlight in awhile. You know how women love attention. If someone stalked her she would prob be like "Oh, somebody likes me, lets go get some Fro-yo!" You know? She would prob say "Fro-yo" too. Anytime anyone says "Fro-yo" I die a little inside. Anyway, enough with the frozen yogurt. While I am not endorsing the stalking of Tracy Gold, there are plenty of other celebrities to stalk. You don't need to stalk me! So stop it and stalk someone else instead!
Scott's Tip Of The Day: According to the New York Times, Ayatollah Khamenei blames “media belonging to Zionists, evil media” for the reporting of the protests in Iran. But don't be fooled, friends. If Zionists were around, you'd have a lot more bagel shops and delis in Iran.
REMEMBER TO FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: ScottsTip. I am on the ground in Iran and blogging about my day to day life and the protests. It may seem like I am just some American guy procrastinating at work, but seriously, who would go through the trouble to pretend they are Iranian just for a some really amusing twitter updates?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: In a recent interview with president Obama, a fly was pestering the President. What did Obama do? He swatted it. PETA, took issue with this. You can read about it here. Really PETA? Don't you think you are undermining any position you have on amimal rights? Don't you think you've gone a little too far? No one likes flies! I mean if I killed a Panda and made a coat out of it (which would be awesome and trendy), I guess I could see how that might upset you. But a fly? What do flies do? They lay eggs in rotting flesh and pester people trying to enjoy the outdoors.
I'm going to start manufacturing PETA swatters. Giant fly swatters, large enough to squash members of PETA. These could also be used on your significant other or babies who cry in grocery stores. Does anyone want to purchase one? Is that inhumane? Maybe we can start a basement fight club where we force PETA members to square off against Jehovas Witnesses. You have to watch out for the Jehovas witnesses. They can give a pretty mean paper cut with their pamphlets.
Anyway, please join my club PAPY- People againt PETA, Yo! Our first meeting is tomorrow. I'll bring the grape drink. What? You want grape juice? You spoiled brat...
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: You guys can follow me on twitter: http://twitter.com/Scottstip. I will be posing as an Iranian protester the next few days. I am just doing my part in helping Iranians to overthrow their oppressive government and I would advise you do the same.
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Sometimes I'm wrong. I know I am the all-knowing Scott, but even I have made mistakes before. Like that time I went to Alabama with a yamulkah on. Or that time I brought shampoo on an airplane. Well, I was wrong again. I mistakenly thought Twitter was a useless invention. I saw people like Ashton Kutcher and Kanye using it and I assumed it was worthless because they had nothing interesting to say. I was wrong.
In protest of the recent election results, many Iranians are using twitter to communicate and organize demonstrations in Iran. They want a less extreme government and I support them 100%. How are Iranians using Twitter in a useful manner? Here are some examples (translated from Persian and other Middle Eastern languages):
AhmedKarim666: OMFG! Revolutionary Guard totally just assaulted 7 of my 14 brothers. I can't tell if Mom is mad because I can't see anything under her face veil, but regardless I'm not going to stand for this!
Iron Sheik69: WTF! Just beaten over head by Ahmenajad supporters. Too bad my mom and sisters aren't allowed to drive because now I can't get to a hospital. Iranian Health care blows camel balls! I'm going to have to mend my wounds with 5 feet of bubble tape (I knew I shouldn't have eaten a foot of bubble gum) and superglue. I'm sad, I was saving that glue for Huffing. :-(
HershelGoldblumsteinowitz: How did I end up in Tehran? LOL! Where am I supposed to find a good bagel around here?
YusefIslam: Man, I knew I should have stayed in London. I could be rocking Peace Train for the 987,984th time.
IranianCarrotTop: OK guys, it's time to demonstrate. But lets have a picnic first. I am all out of my contraband alcoholic beverages so we are gonna have to get drunk on Scope and rubbing alcohol. I'll cover that. Mohammed, you bring the picnic basket. Ahmed, you bring the pita bread and the humus. Ali, you're in charge of olives, dates and figs. Let's meet at the sand dune around 8.
See? Twitter is a revolutionary tool (pun intended).With Twitter posts like these how could you not support it!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Today I answer a letter from a fan....
Where have you been? What are you doing when you're not blogging? I miss you when you're away. I work at a bank (not my profession). I come in every morning to check your blog and nothing...can you imagine the horror of it all? Working at a bank and not reading your blog? It's too much for me to handle in a day. Please don't stay away so long.
How are you? Thanks for the email. I am glad you enjoy my blog.
You said you work at a bank, but it's not your profession. Is this a riddle? Are you a security guard? Are you a bank robber? A custodian? Are you a movie star researching a role? Are you Paula Poundstone? Probably not. She isn't a "star," she's more like a planet.
I can imagine the horror you experienced. It sounds pretty bad. It kind of reminds me of the time I saw Paula Poundstone on TV. I cried for days. What? No, I didn't see her naked. I just saw her. She's a scary hippopotamus. Man, I hope you aren't Paula Poundstone. I would be coming off pretty rude right now if you were. Just in case you are Poundstone, I didn't mean to call you a hippopotamus. You are more like Babar. Sure, he is an elephant, but he wears a crown and he's friendly. You just upgraded, my friend!
So what do I do all day when I am not blogging? I like to DJ in my spare time. I spin house music, make mixes and play out every once in awhile. Maybe I will include my next mix in a blog post? This past week I was in Chicago visiting some friends. I ate deep dish pizza and hugged a man dressed like a hot dog outside Wrigley Field. Yes.... really. Clearly, it was an exciting weekend.
So Paula, I will try to blog more often, I apologize for my prolonged absence. I hope your mysterious banking job gets more exciting.
If anyone else has any questions I could field, email the all-knowing Scott at Scottstipoftheday@gmail.com! I am looking forward to it!
Monday, June 15, 2009
Any questions for the all-knowing Scott? Shoot me an email at Scottstipoftheday@gmail.com and I would be happy to answer them. I apologize for my infrequent posting this month, and will try to make it up to you.... one way or another. Wink wink. Nudge nudge.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: I dig. I dig real deep. I try to solve mysteries. I like to get to the bottom of things. I'm like Woodward and Bernstein. Combined. But sometimes my questions go unanswered. These are some of those questions:
LETTER SENT TO 3M:
Does 3M stand for Moron Moron Moron!? Why on earth would you put scotch in translucent tape? Don't you realize kids use this tape in school every day? I caught my 7-year-old kid, Keeshwan, licking the tape the other day. I said "Keeshwan, why you lick dat tape" and Keeshwan be all like "It's SCOTCH tape daddy! It got scotch in it!"
I grounded Keeshwan for drinking underage. At the very least you should please stop selling Scotch Tape to minors. It's dangerous.
I am a very concerned parent. Please address my concern or at the very least send me a coupon for more Scotch Tape. (It may be inappropriate for Keeshwan to eat it, but that doesn't preclude me!)
Letter sent to M&Ms:
I purchased M&Ms at a Duane Reade convenience store in NYC yesterday, only to find out they are selling counterfeit M&Ms. I suspected something was wrong when they charged me $3.00 for a normal sized package. But then, I open up the package and what do I find inside?
The M&Ms inside are not M's! They are W's. Somebody at Duane Reade must be playing a joke on me! Not only did they charge an exorbitant amount for these M&Ms. But they were not M's! They were W's. Duane Reade refused to refund me because I already opened the package. I said "let me speak with Mr. Reade. How would I have known these were faulty if I didn't open the package" They would hear none of it. Can I get a voucher for a free pack of M&Ms? I have always loved your candy and this is the first time I have encountered a problem in my 26+ years of eating M&Ms.
Sometimes, there just aren't any answers....
Friday, June 5, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Steve Jobs might be one of the most brilliant minds on earth. Apple stock rises and falls on reports of his health. (We hope you get better, Steve!) But no one's perfect. Steve Jobs has not been seen in public, without wearing a black turtleneck in years. Honestly, Steve? Who wears turtlenecks in the summer? What's your deal? Just because you are a visionary doesn't mean you have to be creepy. You gesticulate a lot too (That's what she said.) That doesn't really help with the creepiness factor. How about a makeover? Maybe one of those vinyl Michael Jackson Thriller era vests?
Oh yeah! Now we're talking! Come on Steve Jobs! Get with the program. Get hip! As for you, blog readers, turtlenecks in summer are a no-no. Whenever you have the urge to wear one, wear a 80's vinyl vest instead.
Do you have a question that's been burning a hole in your brain? Is something else burning a hole in your brain? Want to know what it is? Want help with the rest of your personal problems? Why does it hurt when you pee, etc.? Shoot me an email at Scottstipoftheday@gmail.com and I would be happy to address your questions. Remember to include your first name and where you are from. Until the next time.....
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you're trying to make a point, don't be redundant. You'll probably be more persuasive if your argument is short and concise. There's no need to go on and on after you've made your point. There's no reason to be redundant. You shouldn't be redundant. No one wants to hear you drag on, you know? Because that would be redundant. Did I mention it's annoying when people are redundant? I am sick of hearing people talk and talk and talk. I get it! I mean how could anyone not realize they are just repeating the same stupid thing over and over again? They should wake up and stop being so redundant. Oh man! Redundancy annoys me so much. This reminds me of a time one of my friends was just blithering about the same thing for like 2 hours. I was like "I get it already, stop it, you're being redundant!" Why did he have to talk about the same thing for so long? It was so redundant. I hated it....the redundancy I mean.......... What was I talking about, I spaced out? Oh yeah. Redundancy. Don't you hate it when people are redundant.....
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Work, work, work. Life can get pretty monotonous sometimes. What do you do when you need an escape? Vacation? Nah, too expensive. Drugs? Drugs are illegal!!! So what can you do? Follow these simple instructions
1)Purchase a surgeon's mask
2)Purchase fake blood capsules
3)Put on your surgeon's mask and go to a public place.
4) Take off your surgeon's mask, bite fake blood capsules and start spitting on the floor going "Ohhhhh Nooooo"
5)Yell "I think I have swine flu! I think I have swine flu!"
6)Record events with a digital camera
7)Upload to youtube
8)Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org when you have done all of this
This will keep me...cough cough...ahem...I mean....uh...you very entertained
Monday, June 1, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: You know what I hate? People who come up to me on the street and ask me for money. You know what I hate more than someone I don't know who asks me for money? Someone I don't know that wants to give me pamphlets. Honestly man, if your religion sucks so much you have to recruit people via sidewalk pamphlets, then maybe it is time to convert to a new religion? Perhaps the Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster?
And if you're not trying to convert me, what's your angle, man? Are you advertising? How are you building confidence in your product/store if you can't afford to advertise on TV? "Oh, man. I just got the greatest new thing! I am surprised I never heard about it, until a scary man on the street gave me a pamphlet to introduce me to it! I can't believe there were no advertisements in magazines, radio or television!" Oh yeah! You hear that ALL the time!
Stop killing trees! If you want to give me a pamphlet, at least give me something cool too. Give me a pinwheel or something. I haven't seen one of those in awhile. Or a slap bracelet! Do some creative marketing. Tug on my heartstrings. Tell me if I don't buy your product a kid in Africa is going to die! Until you do. I am not going to take your pamphlets....and my loyal readers....neither should you!