Friday, September 17, 2010

2010 Questions/Answers Installment 10

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I received the following email in my inbox this morning...

Dear Scott,

Who are you in real life? Do you have to go to the bathroom or do you have powers against it?
Can you swim? How many tips do you actually have? Will you have another tip tomorrow or
more tormentings (I am aware that this is not a real word) of people at Dell? I am here. I am

Love, Claire

Hey Claire,

"Love Claire?" You signed your email "love?" Has our relationship grown that strong, that quickly? This is all going a little fast for me. I think we need to slow down and take stock of the situation. No, no, Claire. I know what you're thinking and it's not you, it's me.

Anyway, let me address your questions...

Who am I in real life? I'm Scott. I'm an attorney from NYC. My birthday is in a few weeks and I'll be 28. I love to travel, I love music, but I hate cauliflower.

I do go to the bathroom. A lot. I have a small bladder. Once I start drinking, forget about it. Unfortunately I have no ominous "powers against it."

I do know how to swim and I was on varsity swim team in high school. I swam 100 meter breast stroke and the breast stroke in the 200 meter medley relay. Growing up, I worked as a lifeguard and swim lesson instructor too. If you want tips on how to improve one of your strokes, take a video of yourself and send it in and I would be happy to give you some pointers. Seriously.

How many tips do I have? Enough to hold your attention for years and years, Claire. I'm an all knowing guru. I know everything worth knowing. Soon, you will too.

I am done with my series of Dell conversations. I have a few more, but they are not as amusing as the ones I posted and I wouldn't want to bore you.

Now, I have a question for you, Claire. In your email you said "Will you have another tip tomorrow or more tormentings (I am aware that this is not a real word) of people at Dell?" What are you implying? That people who work at Dell do not exist in the real world? Or is it just people from India? India is real. I have never been there but I am pretty sure it exists, even though I haven't seen it with my own two eyes. You better not be implying by blog doesn't exist in the real world. This is very real, Claire. Very real.

I don't like to think of what I do as "tormenting" either. These people get paid whether I kid around with them or not. I never personally attack them and I am a lot more fun than 99% of the people they talk to. I am doing them a favor.

When's my next tip? I'll provide you with tips as often as I can. Sometimes the real world gets in the way. I get kidnapped. Held for ransom. Shot. Caged. If you walked a day in my shoes you would see what I mean. I wear 10 1/2's. Can you fit in those?

I hope I answered your questions to your satisfaction. If anyone else has any questions please feel free to email me at I am looking forward to hearing from you.


So after re-reading Claire's email I realize she said "real world" and not "real word." I am always right, so obviously it must have been some computer error. In any case, please ignore. In the meantime I will be breaking this computer to pieces. Thanks.


Bouncin' Barb said...

Excellent!! There's something about us folks from NYC and Jersey such as myself. We are blatently honest. If you get a chance check out my stories of my experiences in life. I think the Jersey Girl in me comes out...haha. Again, I just love your blog. Don't stop.

Ankita (Gg) said...

Was that intentional or did you really not realize that she meant 'tomrmentings' to be a non-real word and not Dell employees or India?
Well when is your birthday actually? Mine's a month ahead. And you'll be exactly double of what I'll be. :D

Melissa said...

I think Claire was implying tormentings is not a real word...or did you get that and I'm being obtuse?

Candice said...

I think you answered those questions very well, Scott.

Side note: You should talk to my husband sometime. He has had his fair share of conversations with Dell's customer service people. (We have vowed never to buy from Dell again, by the way.)

Anyway, keep blogging. Looking forward to your next tip. :)

Timeshare Girl said...

Loved the response! Keep em coming Scott!

Jenni said...

When is your birthday? Mine is October 11th.

Sam said...

I would like to sign up for swimming lessons. Thank you.

Scott said...

My birthday is October 4th.
Birthday cards are welcome :-)

A.i.R said...

Lol Your blog is quick and witty...unexpectedly came across this had a few laughs thanks

KABO said...

You crack me up, so happy I stumbled upon your blog :)

Claire said...

Dear Scott,
You managed to mangle my words once more in your edit. Don't try to blame it on Mr. Computrix this time, you silly person you! I am so very grateful for your answers and am wishing you a happy early birthday, gramps.
Alllll of my love,