Monday, January 12, 2009

Kids Shows

Scott's Tip Of The Day: The economy is in the dumps. We're deeply entrenched in one of the worst recessions our country (U.S.A!) has ever faced. What's more, this recession is global, so you can't even hide in Bora Bora until this storm blows over. Believe me, I've thought about it. A lot of intelligent, talented people are unemployed right now and these people are experiencing great difficulty finding new jobs. If you are one of these people and you have an entrepreneurial spirit, then fear not. I can help you get back on your feet.

If you are unemployed I am sure you have been watching a lot of garbage on TV. There is a lot of opportunity in television. Maybe you could write/produce a TV show!? Your initial response is probably "Scott, I have a very poor command of the english language, how am I going to write a script?" Easy! You write a show for kids. Generally kids are dumber than adults. They will scrutinize your show less. It will be much easier to succeed. Here are three simple steps for creaitng a successful kid's show that will make you rich.

STEP 1: Young Audience = Stupid Audience
This is something you really want to keep in mind. When kids get to be around 11, 12-years-old they start asking intelligent questions. They won't just believe anything you tell them. This can really throw a monkey wrench in the works. You may actually have to write something somewhat intelligent to appeal to this demographic. My advice is aim for the little kids. How little? Well, can they speak? They can? That's too old then. Remember, if a kid can't speak, he can't complain. How is a kid going to complain that he hates your show if he can't talk? He won't be able to. Since you know nothing about educating small children, they certainly aren't going to learn how to speak after watching your programming.

STEP 2: Keep Costs Down
You want to make as much money as possible. Good actors, writers and animators cost money. By hiring reputable actors or animators you are essentially cutting into your profit margin. What does that mean? That means less money in your pocket. This is money you could be putting toward classy hookers at your premier party/celebratory coke fueled orgy. Remember Rule 1. These are kids. They don't know the difference between Eric Cartman and Eric Menendez. People who are released from prison often have problems finding jobs. No one wants a prisoner working for them. Use this to your advantage. Offer prisoners minimum wage to act in your show. If it's a cartoon, then just have them draw it. So what if they don't have talent? The babies watching it aren't going to complain. Parents are too busy to monitor what their kids watch anyway. Are you going to piss off the Writers Guild and Screen Actors guild by hiring non-union actors? Yes. Without a doubt. Will you care when you are swimming in your money bin like Scrooge McDuck? No!

STEP 3: Get In Quick, Get Out Quick
Is this plan a foolproof way to make quick cash? Yes. Could it potentially expose you to a bevy of lawsuits and permanently damage your public image? Yes. So how do you avoid this? Negotiate a contract with the network that nets you as much money upfront as possible. Sell the rights to your show. Agree to promotional appearences. Do whatever you can to make a quick buck. Why? Because after your aforementioned premier party/celebratory coke fueled orgy (see Step 2) you are going to have to skip town. It is advisable to have your passport and an overnight bag ready to go. You probably want to relocate to a country without U.S. extradition laws (if you live in the U.S.). Iran would be a good choice. I hear it's nice this time of year. When you arrive in Iran you probably want to burn off your fingerprints with acid and have your face surgically altered so no one recognizes you. The CIA is now able to analyze your voice print, so you probably want to scrape your vocal chords too.

If you are thinking "Scott, this is absurd, I would never take things this far!" then don't. You obviously lack the ambition this endeavour would require. If on the other hand, you are thinking "Wow, I am going to try this!" then I wish you great luck on your journey.


Ed said...

That was funny. I used to teach and I hear you! You have to show the program once and then get out of Dodge, because although they cant speak, they can cry incessantly - and throw things.

Cher Erica said...

What about a reality show?! Rock of Love?!

Jason Mayo said...

That's funny shit bro. Nice one. Just remember though, the parents are the ones who pick what their kids watch. So you still have to deal with that filter. So... You need to have at least one hot chick and one hot dude in the show to appeal to the guardians.


rusty said...

That show scares me! Those things all resemble things they just should not, disturbing!