Monday, January 5, 2009
Scott's Four Rules For Dating (Guy Edition)
Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you have a hot date? Congratulations! Is it with that girl you met in the bookstore? Or did you just tell your friends you met her in the bookstore because you were too embarassed to tell them you met her online? Did you meet her at Hooters? Is she at least 16-years-old? No? Well, Whatever the case, good for you Buddy. You have really hit it big.....
But you're not through the woods yet. Many things can go wrong on a first date and you need to take every possible precaution to ensure this date goes smoothly. If you blow it, you may never meet a girl like this again. Follow my simple rules and you will have your lady friend in bed faster than you can say roofie coolada.
RULE 1: Avoid The Classic Conversation No-No's
There are certain topics of conversation you always want to avoid on a first date. These include:
-Any mention of Klingons, Wookies, Borgs or Cylons
-Your rap sheet, especially if it includes kidnapping, armed robbery, aggrevated assault or rape
-Any fungus you think you contracted in the gym shower.
-Any mud butt/swamp ass stories
-The kid you were sponsoring in war torn Africa for 3 cents a day until you realized you could buy 2 atomic fireballs and a tootsie roll for the same amount of money.
-Alternatives to traditional abortion methods (falling/pushing down the stairs, wire coat hangers)
RULE 2: Condoms
This "ribbed for her pleasure" stuff can get confusing. Does the condom taste like ribs? What if she doesn't like ribs? What if she keeps kosher? These are all good questions. To answer your questions, yes, ribbed condoms taste like ribs, but they taste like beef ribs. Thus, they are still kosher if you are dating a hebrew honey. If I was you though I would avoid this minefield all together and just get some regular rubbers.
RULE 3: Lie through your teeth
Roofies are illegal. You can get in big trouble if you drug a girl and bring/drag her home with you. But, you know what you can't go to jail for? Lying through your teeth about yourself to get a girl to go home with you. This is the age old art of "Scammin' Hoes." Are you a window washer? Tell her you own a skyscraper and you love to keep it clean. Are you unemployed? Yeah? That's too bad.... But have you ever been to a hospital? You have? Well congratulations! You are a doctor!
Lying through your teeth is a great way to get a girl home. There can be some problems though. If you say you are a doctor and you bring her home to your room in the attic at your parents' house she might be hesitant to believe you. Also, she is eventually going to uncover the lie, so you have to marry her before she figures it out. Why marriage? Because it's a lot harder for her to walk away from a marriage than it is for her to walk away from an ordinary lying scumbag.
RULE 4: Pretend To Be a Good Listener
Lets be honest guys. You hate listening to girls. "Sheilah said this! Cindy said that! Do you think I am fat?" Blah blah blah. If you listened to all of that you would never want to go home with her. The trick is pretending to be interested while thinking about other things entirely. If you squint your eyes like you are entrenched deep in thought, then your date will think you are listening to everything she is saying. If there is an akward pause in the conversation, just say "Hell, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard! You know what? You're beautiful" It doesn't matter what she said, this will always work. Just try to avoid saying it more than 3 times an hour since after awhile she may become suspicious.
I hope you gentlemen find my four rules for dating helpful. Please stay tuned for my next tip of the day where I give you ladies four rules for dating men.