Monday, January 5, 2009

Scott's Four Rules For Dating (Girl Edition)

Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you have a hot date? Congratulations! Is it that dude who pumped your gas at the Exxon Station? You were too lazy to fill the tank yourself, weren't you? Yeah you were. I hear you don't like manual labor. Yeah, I guess that means chores are out of the question, right? Of course. What? You are a horrible cook? How are you going to rope Mr. Right in if you aren't willing to cook or clean? I'll tell you how. Follow Scott's four rules for dating.....

RULE 1: Avoid The Classic Conversation No-No's
There are certain topics of conversation you always want to avoid on a first date. These include:
-Any mention of feminine hygiene products
-Anything related to cramps or "feeling bloated"
-Talking about your illegitimate children
-Any stories about farting, pooping or sweating...Guys love fart stories but when they come from a girl it's bad news bears
-Conversations about marriage or honeymoons
-Discussing how you are awful at cooking/hate cleaning
-Any talk of your little fifi dog that poops all over the house because you never took it to obediance school

RULE 2: Pretend You are Domestic
We all know you are lazy. You suck at cooking, you hate cleaning and you don't even know how to run a load in the washing machine. Even the El Salvadorian lady who can't speak English at the laundromat can run a load of laundry! If your date finds this out he is gonna drop you like a load of bricks. Guys are bad at taking care of themselves. They are messy and sloppy and often require assistance. If you can't take care of him who is going to? He will find someone else. If you don't like to clean, grab an illegal immigrant in the Wal Mart parking lot and pay him two dollars to clean your guy's apartment. If you can't cook, just order takeout every night and pretend you cooked it. If you can't run a washing machine.... well... then you should probably just murder yourself because then there is really no hope for you.

RULE 3: Get Him Real Drunk
The quickest way to get a guy to make rash, impulsive decisions is to get him drunk. Go out for drinks with your guy. While you are drinking glasses of water (put a lime in your water for show), pump him full of vodka. When he can't see straight, get him to call his parents and tell them he loves you. Do the same with his friends. Then start worming your way into his social circle. If you make it really difficult/awkward/embarrassing to break up with you, he will probably will just go along with it. Even if it's a first date. What is he going to do? Call his parents the next day and say "Just kidding? I was totally shitfaced! I don't really love her!" No way. He'd look like an idiot. He is probably as lazy as you. He is going to live the lie. You just need to rope him in hook, line and sinker before he gets tired of this lie....tired of the lie and your manipulative bullshit. That's where Rule 4 comes in...

RULE 4: Climbing The Mountain One Step At A Time
So you think you have met Mr. Right? Want to settle down and marry him? Well slow down. If you tell him that you will scare him away. Baby steps! First you need to get him interested in you. "How Can I do this?" you ask. Easy.

Step 1- Get him in bed ASAP. This can be facilitated by wearing an extremely short skirt, no underwear and saying things like "Lets have sex." Yes, it's that simple. There is no reason to over complicate things.
Step 2-After you have slept with him start leaving important things in his apartment. This way it is harder for him to get rid of you. Hair dryers, clothes, toiletries....take over his apartment little by little.
Step 3-Get pregnant. Then blame it all on the guy. Cry a lot. Say things like "Oh my God why do you hate me!?" Afterwards, guilt him into marrying you.

Ladies, if you follow these simple rules you will have a husband in no time. Good luck!

1 comment:

katherine said...

gee thanks u make me feel good about myself. thats sarcasm boy.