Thursday, January 29, 2009

What Would You Do For A Klondike Bar?

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Back in the 1980's Klondike ran the famous "What would you do for a Klondike Bar" ad campaign. I realize this advice would have helped you 20-30 years ago, but I was too busy watching Perfect Strangers on repeat to get up and blog. Blogging wasn't even invented yet. Basically all I could do was get on my tree house phone (two dixie cups and a piece of string) and try and put the word out. My tree house phone didn't work too well. I found out later it was because I wasn't paying my AT&T tree house phone bill. But that's another story for another time...

Since you can still find Klondike bars in supermarkets, this advice still applies. There are certain things you should never do for a Klondike Bar. These include:

-Trading your first born child to Somalian pirates for a Klondike bar. It's hot in Somalia. Even if this trade goes down on the breezy Indian Ocean, the chances that the Klondike bar hasn't melted are pretty slim. If you are going to trade your kid for an ice cream snack, at least try to get one that isn't melted. Also, if you are a shrewd negotiator, you might be able to get two or three Klondike bars, for just one kid.

-Don't stick your hand into a garbage disposal, blender, fan or lawnmower for a Klondike bar. This would most likely lead to you destroying your fingers in a bloody mess, and what good is a Klondike bar if you don't have fingers to eat them.

-Murdering immediate family members. Killing your kids, your siblings, your parents or your spouse for a Klondike bar is pretty foolish. As a close family member you are going to be one of the first suspects in the police investigation. I know what you are thinking..."I can just bribe the detective with a Klondike bar." I must say that is a clever proposal....but if the detective is lactose intollerant your plan has just failed miserably. "What about my third cousin twice removed?" Yeah, you can murder him. His hare lip really bugs me out.

So Scott, what can I do for a Klondike bar?
-Killing endangered animals
-Kicking, screaming
-Infliction of non-lethal puncture wounds
-Scanning pictures into your 1980's computer, creating Kelly Lebrock, and then having her mysteriously conjure one up

If you have any other questions about acceptable behavior in relation to the procurement of Klondike Bars, you know where to find me (Leave a comment, and I will promptly respond)


Anonymous said...

More importantly, what Lindsay Lohan do for a Klondyke bar?

I love this blog, Scott! I've linked you at my place.

-- Nietzsche is Dead

leelee said...


Every time I say your name I am reminded of Austin Power's son.

Frau Farbissina: Scott,your are my love child with Dr.Evil.
Scott: I thought I was a test tube baby.
Frau Farbissina: Lies. ALL LIES!

Lovin' your blog...too funny!


Scott said...

Thanks for your support guys! When I have enough money to buy my own island and start my own country, I am going to give both of you citizenship for free...(well, not including the various handling fees)

kathcom said...

Please see my post "Unknown and Unknowable" for a cool image related to the Klondike Bar question.

I never get tired of seeing Tyson bite that ear. It's the one pay-per-view fight I saw that was worth the money!

Anonymous said...

Now,...see I got this invite from another blog and I started trolling through this one. My day just keep getting better and better.

Helpful tips! Great advice!

One of the things you forgot to mention about not doing for a Klondike bar is Bestiality. Sex with animals leaves you with a bad aftertaste and then the Klondike bar simply can not be appreciated.

Thanks for the invite. I think I will hang around for a while and bring it down to a respectable raunch level...I am good that way.

Simon said...

Hey Scott! Loving your blog. I've linked to it from mine!

Anonymous said...

... at least you didn't offer us stock...

Anonymous said...

I confess here (but not anywhere else) that I too watched Perfect Strangers. I'll give you a Klondike bar, if you keep it quiet otherwise.

Alexander Dombroff said...

Nice blog.. pretty funny entry.What wouldn't I do for one of those delicious, exquisite, divine, suculent klondike bars. It totally got out of hand when they brough Jesus into it though..