Hired Goons - Scott's Seventh Letter

Dear All Knowing Scott, I have a friend with a large outstanding debt. I have no goons of my own and I was wondering if you had some sort of service where you would rent them out at an hourly rate, or if they could be available for a percentage of the take? Normally I would try and take care of these things myself but this guy lives in Hoboken and I hate going to Jersey. If you can't lend me your goons, could you give me some advice about recruiting some of my own? Where do you find them and how do you keep them in line? Looking forward to your help, Ryan in NYC


Ryan,

Thanks for writing me again. I hope that since we last corresponded you were able to purge your sexual deviancy. You definitely came to the right person with your question. Not only have I had to deal with people shirking bets, but I am Jewish, so clearly, I know a lot about money.

I am sorry to tell you, that my goons work on an exclusive basis for me. It's hard to find good goons. Why is it so hard? Have you ever watched the Batman series? (I am referring to the old campy 60's series starring Adam West.) Batman faced diabolical enemies. The Joker. Catwoman. The Riddler. These guys were crafty. These guys were sharp. Your ordinary police officer couldn't stop them. Batman was the only man for the job. All of this would lead you to believe Batman's nemeses would have hired brilliant help. Well, for whatever reason, this was not the case. All it really took from Batman was a BAM! or POW! and the goons (aka 'henchmen') were down for the count. Why couldn't the police stop them? Well, you have to remember America's police force is comprised of America's C students. They are also pretty corrupt. Just ask Frank Serpico. Anyway, I digress.....the point is good henchmen are hard to find and I can't afford to give mine up.

I can, however, assist you in recruiting your own goons. Any good goon posseses the following characteristics:

-The goon is large in size.
At least 6'2" and preferabbly heavy. Andre The Giant would have made the perfect goon. He was basically a goon in the princess bride.

-The goon goes by a cool name
You definitely want a goon with an intimidating name. Wrecking Ball. That's a pretty cool name for a goon. Switchblade. That sounds scary! You can also take an alternate approach and name your goon something ironic like Tiny.

-The goon is of average intelligence
You definitely don't want a goon that's intelligent enough to usurp you. On the other hand, you need someone capable, who isn't dumb enough to be outsmarted by the mark you are shaking down.

-The goon is loyal
Above all else, you want a loyal goon. If he gets pinched, you don't want him squealing to the 5-0


A good way to find a goon is to slay a druglord or underworld kingpin and assume control of his crime syndicate. This way, you already have an array of goons you can select from. If you don't have the muscle, ambition or wherewithall to take down a crime syndicate, a good place to start is your local police station. Check out the overnight lockup and see if anyone is physically imposing. If you find someone who fits the profile, bail him out of jail and take him under your wing.

"But Scott, I'm afraid!" Don't be scared. Money talks. Pay your goon well and he has no reason to clobber you or defect from your crew. A well paid goon is a happy goon. If you have multiple goons, apportion head clobbering duties equally amongst your goons as to not create jealousy or internal strife within the organization. Remember: Every goon likes to clobber. Keep your goons clobbering and they will be a happy bunch with a high morale. Additionally, some other good places to find goons include pool halls and underground death matches.

I hope I have helped you with your problem, Ryan. Feel free to write back with more questions. As for the rest of you, if you have any questions, please email me at ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. Be sure to include your first name and where you are from. I look forward to hearing from you! Until the next time...

Children's Songs - Scott's Sixth Letter

Hello Dr. Scott I have a personal question, but due to the nature of your fifth letter, I feel a tad more inclined to ask you such a weird sexual question, which is so odd and bizarre, I'm sure you will wonder if I have made this up. After "fucking my fiance's brain's out" I get strange kids' songs stuck in my head: 10 Little Monkeys, 3 Monkeys and an Alligator, 3 Sharp Tooth Buzzards. After about reaching the end of the alligator song, I kind of want to go again. How weird is that. Dr. Scott, am I a sexual perdator? Or just weird. -MJ Philly, PA

Thank you for taking the time to write, MJ. While answering this email, I am going to operate under the assumption you are a guy, since it appears you are the person in this relationship who does the aforementioned f**king. If you participate in unorthodox sex, then I apologize for making this assumption.

First off, being a sexual predator and being weird are not mutually exclusive. It's not like you have two paths to walk down in life - the life of a sexual predator or the life of a weirdo. Almost all sexual predators are weird by definition.

Second, according to Wikipedia, "The term sexual predator is used pejoratively to describe a person seen as obtaining or trying to obtain sexual contact with another person in a metaphorically "predatory" manner. Analogous to how a predator hunts down its prey, so the sexual predator is thought to "hunt" for his or her sex partners. People who commit sex crimes, such as rape or child sexual abuse, are commonly referred to as sexual predators, particularly in tabloid media or as a power phrase by politicians."

Is your fiance a child? That would certainly explain why you get kids' songs in your head. Do you commit sex crimes on your fiance? I certainly hope not. Assuming your fiance is not a child, I think we can rule out the sexual predator thing.

Now MJ, are you weird? is it normal to have kids songs in your head while having sex? No, it is certainly not normal. It is very unusual and a little disturbing. If you are a guy, there are only a few things that can go through your head while having sex that can be construed as normal.

These thoughts include:
-"Wow, I am actually having sex"
-"Should I tell her the condom broke? I am never going to see her again."
-"I am going to regret this in the morning when I have to pull the coyote."
-"I'm hungry."
-"I think she's faking it"

If you are a gal, there are only a few things that really go through your head.
These include:
-"Oh man, when is this going to be over"
-"Did I leave the oven on?"
-"I'm tired"
-"It's really time to paint the ceiling in here"
-"You're done already? Seriously?"

So, since your thoughts do not fall into either category, by definition you are weird. It's OK, MJ. What is normal anyway? At least you have a fiance. Someone appreciates your unusual behavior. I just hope she's older than 16-years-old.

I hope I answered your question to your satisfaction, MJ. Feel free to write back any time. As for the rest of my readers, I can be contacted at ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. What's on your mind? Send me an email, ask me a question, I would be happy to share my boundless knowledge with you. Just remember to sign each letter with your first name and your location. Until the next time!

Sexual Deviancy - Scott's Fifth Letter

Dear All Knowing Scott, I am a sexual deviant, and I know you told us not to write you, but I'm desperate. I was wondering how I could purge myself of this deviancy and write you a letter asking for advice.

-Ryan from NYC


Ryan,

Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to write to me. I am aware you could have engaged in all sorts of salacious acts in the 30 seconds it took to write that letter, and it warms my heart that my advice means that much to you. I would also like to thank you for emailing me and not sending me a letter through the mail. Based on the nature of your question, I would have had to scan your letter with a fluorescent light, and that's just too complicated and time consuming for a busy guy like myself.

Your question is very general and it is very difficult to answer, since I don't know what your bizarre sexual behaviors are. Do you like to dress up in furry animal costumes while having intercourse? Are you a Cleveland Steamer kind of guy? Have you ever space docked? Maybe the behavior you engage in so vile that they don't even have a name for it...yet? Would you be ashamed to perform these acts in the back room of an adult video store?

You really aren't giving me a lot to go on. But I am going to break it down real simple. You have a deviancy. You want to purge it. What does this remind you of? The exorcist! You need an exorcism! It's not your fault you're sexually attracted to 70-year-old women. Oh wait, that was James. I am sorry. What was I saying? Oh yeah! It's not your fault! It's the Devil inside! Just like the INXS song! "But Scott, where can I get an exorcism?" Good question!

The Roman Catholic Church has the ability to perform exorcisms. But, the Roman Catholic Church requires a physician rule out the existence of a medical or psychological condition before an exorcism can be conducted. Do you see a shrink? Have you told him you like to dress up in animal costumes before intercourse? Has he been unable to assist you? Then you can approach the Roman Catholic Church and request an exorcism. But, be careful. They will probably make you convert to Catholicism.,. and what's worse....being a sexual deviant? Or being a Catholic? Yeah. You're right. Being a Catholic is definitely worse.

So Ryan, sometimes there's just no perfect answer. Even though I know everything, it doesn't mean a perfect solution exists. If a perfect solution existed, I would know of it. Unfortunately, you will just have to learn to live with your sexual deviancy. Believe me, it is better than the alternative.

Feel free to write me back, Ryan. If anyone else has any questions for me, the all knowing Scott, I can be reached at ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. Please include your first name and location in the email.
Until the next time!

James... The Conclusion -Scott's Fourth Letter

Scott,

Evolution vs. creationism….really? This is a hot issue? To who? Televangelists that want your money(maybe they’ll send you that ten bucks, I still don’t believe you didn’t spellcheck), come on, this issue should be colder than Ted Williams….bottom line…we’re all gonna die, and at that point it won’t matter how we got here.

Socialized health care? You better head north, great idea, but we’ll never see it in the states. Moot point, move on.

Which leaves us with questions guys ask over a beer, around the pool table. Sure, we’d all love Megan Fox in a schoolgirl outfit, but sometimes you just crave the classics!

…..and if I remember correctly, Gilligan’s Island was in color….i’m keepin’ the ten-spot for that.

James

James,

The first season of Gilligan's Island was in black and white. It would have taken a ten second Google search to figure that out. So you actually don't remember correctly, you shirk your bets and you're lazy. If you can't afford to bet ten dollars, don't make the bet. It's irresponsible money management like this that got America into this financial crisis. Well, it may be a crisis for world governments but it is not a crisis for me. I have certain tools at my disposal that the FTC and Congress do not...hired goons. And you better believe they are coming to collect.

Furthermore, your opinions on hot topic issues are supported by no evidence, other than your opinions and observations. I am not contending that socialized health care is feasible, but your argument is completely unsubstantiated. All we have to go on is your reputation. If James says it's so, is it so? Well What do we know about James?

-James doesn't honor his ten dollar bets
-James can't decide which 70-year-old lady he wants to date
-James plays Scrabble on first dates, then contemplates whether to play the word "chlamydia"

What do we know about Scott
-Scott provides tips of the day to the world for free
-Scott resembles Cookie Puss, a delicious Carvel ice cream cake
-Scott's knowledge of pop-culture is unparalleled

Scott wins. Who doesn't love a charitable, all-knowing ice cream cake? Well, OK, people who are lactose intolerant, but besides that? Right! No one! James, I appreciate your input but this is the last letter of yours I am going to publish. If anyone who is not a sexual deviant would like to write a letter to Scott's Tip Of The Day, please email ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. I would love to hear from you and I look forward to your letters.

Ginger or Mary Ann? -Scott's Third Letter

Scott,

Thanks for such eruditely words of wisdom, don’t have a lot of time to respond today (busy taking care of this Chlamydia problem, and admit it, you used spellcheck to make sure I was right too….we’re even on the ten bucks)but I would like your detailed opinion on one of the most important debates of modern times.

Ginger or Mary Anne?

James

Spring hill, Fl by way of Jersey

Welcome back to the blog, James. You might just be my biggest fan. Well that 800 pound man who never leaves his bed is my biggest fan, but you can be my second biggest fan.

Before we continue, I just wanted to discuss something... Since you are a regular reader, you probably realize that I am all-knowing. Since I am all-knowing, I never have to use spell check for anything. So, James, I am sorry to say we are not even on the ten dollars. The juice is running. I want my money and I want it now, James. Enough with the run around. Give me my money!!!! In your first email you included your phone number and workplace so I know where to find you. Don't make me get my goons, James. I want my money! WHERE'S MY MONEY!?

Well, now that we have put that unpleasantness behind us, let's get to your question. First, how is Ginger vs. Mary Ann one of the most important debates of modern times? (BTW, there is no E in Mary Ann, at least the Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island. Spell check didn't pick that up, did it? I WANT MY MONEY!) Evolution vs. Creationism. Socialized Health care vs Privatized Health care. These are debates! These are hot issues.

I mean look at the facts, James. Ginger is currently 75-years-old and Mary Ann is 70. What kind of twisted freak are you, James? Who would I rather bang, Grandma 1 or Grandma 2? Neither! How about a 20-something hotty. Emmanuelle Chiquiri or Jessica Biel? turn off TVLAND, James. There is plenty of great contemporary programming on the telly! No need to rub and tug to black and white sitcoms.

But for argument's sake, if I was captured by Dick Cheney and subsequently renditioned in an Egyptian prison, I would probably pick Ginger. Why? Simply because I found her more appealing. But honestly, I generally prefer not to hit on old ladies. Scott's rule to live by: If your love interest collects Social Security, then it's time to find a younger love interest.

I hope I answered your question (again), James. Feel free to keep writing me back. If anyone else has any questions for me, the all knowing Scott, I can be reached at ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. Please include your first name and location in your email. I would love to hear from you.
Until the next time...

Scrabble Advice -Scott's Second Letter

GOOD ADVICE ON THE USAGE OF CUNT IN SCRABBLE PLAY, BUT DO YOU THINK CHLAMYDIA IS ACCEPTABLE ON THE FIRST DATE…..AND HOW MANY POINTS WOULD I GET WITH A DOUBLE WORD SCORE?

James

James,

It is good to hear from you. I bet you are glad to see I removed your company name and phone number from your email. That could have been a mess. Would your company continue to employ you if they knew your proclivity for playing dirty words in Scrabble matches? Yeah, you are right, it is probably small time compared to all of the money you have been embezzling.

Before we go any further I would also like to thank you for writing to me using all capital letters. I get easily confused by punctuation, lowercase letters and numbers, so I am glad you broke things down for me.

As for your concerns....

I am unable to tell you how many points you would score playing the word "chlamydia. " There is a very good chance one of the letters in chlamydia would fall on a double or triple letter score in addition to the double word score. Since I don't know where you intend to play this word on the board, it would be difficult if not impossible to advise you on the scoring potential of this word. Additionally, chlamydia is a nine letter word and you only have seven letters at a time in Scrabble. What letters are already on the board?

James. J-dawg. The J-ster. Lets be serious for a moment. You have never played Scrabble before. Ten dollars says you had to use spell check to correct your spelling of chlamydia. Awww. I'm sorry! What? Stop crying! You're a grown man, James! Awww dont blow your nose on your sleeve. James. James??? Are you finished? Good. Look.... you probably shouldn't be taking a girl out to play Scrabble on your first date anyway. I know I suggested it in a previous posting, but there are a lot of other things you can do to impress her. Take your lady friend to the back room in an adult bookstore and show her what the hole in the wall is used for. Take her to Newark, New Jersey and show her how to murder a man and get away with it. What? You live close to Detroit? Yeah. Detroit will work too. Huh? Yeah, hotwiring a car is pretty cool too. You probably want to take her out to dinner afterwards. What? No! Not Mcdonalds! Somewhere classy. Like Wendy's.

Anyway, here is the bottom line: Worry less about scoring in Scrabble and more about scoring on your date and you will be just fine.

I hope I answered your question, James. Feel free to write back. If anyone else has any questions for me, the all knowing Scott, I can be reached at ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. Please include your first name and location in your email. I would love to hear from you.
Until the next time...

Swine Flu

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Traveling to Mexico and having sex with pigs may lead to a worldwide pandemic.

Wizards & Hipsters, Scott's First Letter

To dear old Uncle Scott,

I feel foolish doing this. I hope I'm not the only one bugging you, because that would be awkward for both of us.
So, are you kind of like the Great and Powerful Oz, where you're just some wrinkley meek old dude behind a curtain (who's going to give us crap we've had all along), or are you some legit hipster with humerous observations?
Just wondering.
-Annon

Annon,
You are actually the first to email me. But don't feel bad for bugging me. I am here to help. Sometimes I am even available for a hug (schedule permitting). I need to see I.D. first, however. Last time I hugged a fan, she turned out to be 13-years-old. I ended up in Attica. I guess I didn't need to use roofies for just a hug. But you know how it is, Annon, old habits die hard. Anyway, let me answer your questions-

FIRST - I am not a hipster. Although I can be frequently found in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, I do not wear tight jeans. I don't have any skinny ties in my closet. I do not own a pair of Converse All-Stars. I don't have a jaded attitude, or any ironic tattoos. My glasses do not resemble Buddy Holly's.

SECOND- I am not a wizard. I am not a Grand Wizard. I am not a racist, xenophobe, xerox machine or xylophone. I actually resemble Cookie Puss, Carvel's delicious ice cream cake. I do not have an ice cream cone for a nose though.

See below:

I am old enough to dispense invaluable advice, and in the end that is what's most important.

THIRD - My intention is not to "Give you crap you had all along." Through personal experience I have found people do not enjoy receiving crap for any reason. There are a few exceptions....farmers who fertilize their vegetables.....german porn stars....but the vast majority of the population has no interest in your crap, my crap or anyone's crap. I am here to make the world a better place. Turn on the news. Pirates attacking innocent people. Religious extremists putting guns in children's hands. Selfish bankers destroying the economy. Through this blog I hope to mitigate the damage these monsters have caused.

I hope I answered your question to your satisfaction Annon. Feel free to write back. If anyone else has any questions for me, the all knowing Scott, I can be reached at ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. Please include your first name and location in the email.
Until the next time!

Dear Scott

Scott's Tip Of The Day: It's time I gave back to my readers. You have all been so good to me. I will tell you what. Tell me what's on your mind. Email me your questions. Do you need advice? It doesn't matter what's bothering you. You can tell Uncle Scott. Just sign your letter with your first name and where you are from and I will start answering letters from viewers like you. Email all questions to Scottstipoftheday (AT) Gmail (DOT) Com

Steely Dan

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Even though Steely Dan is the name of a band, there is nobody in the band named Steely Dan. Remarks like "I saw Steely Dan live and let me tell you - Dan was f**king steely, man!" or "Dude, Dan can still play the guitar" will only expose you as the pathetic poseur you are.

Baby Names

Scott's Tip Of The Day: No longer is it cool to name your kid something simple like 'John' or 'Scott'. Your child could be ostracized at school for rocking suck an antiquated name. "So what should I name my kid, Scott? " I am glad you asked.

SCOTT'S GUIDE TO NAMING YOUR BABY

STEP 1- Take a simple name you like. We will use 'Scott' for the purposes of this example.

STEP 2- Spell the simple name wrong. Scott now becomes Skaht.

STEP 3- Add extra letters and/or punctuation to the name. Skaht now becomes Ja'Skaht.

STEP 4-Are you really happy with your name? Can you do anything else to make it unique? I am going to change Ja'Skaht to Ja'$kat. Lets put a dollar sign in there and get rid of that silent H. That silent H is a bit much don't you think? Letters in a name you don't pronounce? That's so unnecessary (unlike punctuation, extra letters and misspellings)

STEP 5- Congratulations! You have a new baby name! Walk out to the stoop and scream the news to all of the neighborhood people.

Scrabble

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Even though "cunt" is a word in the Scrabble dictionary, playing it in a game may lead to undesirable results. Especially on a first date. You should probably just stick to safe words like "fuck" and "shit."

Get A Dog

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Are you a President, Prime Minister, King or Despot? Has the economic climate ratcheted up pressure on your administration to take bold steps to solve your country's problems? Yeah, it's tough out there. I bet you don't know what to do either! How do you fix your country's economy when it's intertwined with hundreds of other countries' economies whose leaders have no idea what they are doing either. Well, don't be too hard on yourself. Nobody knows what they are doing. "But Scott, the people are getting volatile! They want answers! They want Solutions" Well, since you have no idea what you are doing, you need a distraction. You need to buy yourself some more time to figure out a solution. How will you accomplish this? You can buy a dog! Instead of press conferences on the political or economic climate you can just have the media interview your new dog! Awwww! Look how cute he is! I don't even care that the bank foreclosed on my house and and I am dumpster diving behind Wendy's to feed my kids! That dog is so gosh darn cute! Buy a dog. Save your administration.

Judge A Book By It's Cover

Scott's Tip Of The Day: They say don't judge a book by it's cover. But if the book cover has five naked, crying, bleeding men on it, then forget what they've told you. It's OK to judge the book before reading it.

Barbie Doll Tragedy

Scott's Tip Of The Day: When buying a Barbie Doll, be sure to understand what you buy. I purchased a seemingly normal Barbie Doll as a gift, only to find out this particular Barbie had no nipples or vuh-jay-jay. You would think they would have labeled this Barbie "Muslim Extremist Mutilation Barbie," right? Or at the very least included a burqa or a severed infidel's head. Incidentally, Ken seems to have had quite an accident as well. What happened to his weiner?!!! Look how big his smile is! How could you be smiling at a time like this, Ken?! Your weiner is missing! I double checked the box to see if it fell off, but alas, Ken's weiner was nowhere to be found. Anyway, some sick f**k at Matel is chopping off Barbie's nips, ruining her vuh-jay-jay and slicing off Ken's weiner. I suggest you buy your kid (or yourself, if you are a creepo) a transformer instead.

Imaginary Friends

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you're serving a life sentence in prison for murdering your imaginary friend, then he probably wasn't imaginary after all.

Urinal Cakes

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Urinal cakes are delicious treats. You would be crazy not to try one.

Scott's Guide To Adoption

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Adopting babies. It's the latest craze. But not just any ordinary baby. American babies? No way! What if they aren't American but they are still white? Still no good. Look at Madonna. Look at Angelina. Who did they adopt? Yup, Exotic babies. Exotic babies are all the rage. Do you need a new accessory? Bracelets and earrings don't cut it anymore? People probably aren't impressed with that chihuahua you drag around all over the place. That is so last year. This year is all about babies. You're no one without an exotic baby. "But Scott, what kind of baby should I get?" Well, that's easy. Africa has been totally overdone. Same with Asia. What else is there? Eskimo babies!

Eskimo babies are born in an igloo so they are used to the cold. You really don't have to worry about heating their bedroom. Since energy is expensive, this will save you some cash. Do you like to eat fish? Eskimo's are excellent fishermen. You won't have to go to the fish market anymore. You will always have a fresh catch of the day. Eskimo's also hunt big animals like polar bears. Do you want a fur coat? Just ask little Eskimo baby to hunt you a bear and make you a fur coat. If you are questioned by the local authorities for hunting out of season/breaking laws, just say it's his culture. The police don't hate on Native Americans do they? No way! They give them casinos. What could go wrong?

For the aforementioned reasons an Eskimo baby is way cooler than any other type of adopted baby. Go out and get them while they last!

The Scott's Tip Of The Day Diet

Scott's Tip Of The Day: It's Springtime. A lot of you are planning to get in shape for the summer. You want to look good at the beach. Who can blame you? Only one problem. You are 20 pounds overweight. You need to go on a diet. "But which diet should I choose, Scott? There are so many!" A very good point. The South Beach diet, the Atkins Diet, the Kentucky Fried Chicken diet... it's a lot to sort out. My advice? Ignore all of those. Follow the SCOTT'S TIP OF THE DAY DIET.

It's pretty easy.

STEP 1-EXERCISE YOU LAZY SLOB!
STEP 2-YOU LOOK DISGUSTING, STOP EATING SO F**KING MUCH!

Pretty easy right? Instead of sitting on your fat ass all day, go for a run, a swim or a bike ride. Then, when you come home, instead of pigging out on sweets and soda, have a glass of water and some fruit. Unbelievable right? No tricks. No counting calories. Easy as 1-2. It's even easier than 1-2-3 because there are only 2 steps. And if you don't lose weight? Well, nothing you can do about it, it probably means God hates you.

Easter Bunny

Scott's Tip Of The Day: "Scott, what does the Easter Bunny have to do with Easter?" That's a very good question. According to the book of Raul, (Raul was one of Jesus' disciples, if you look at Leonardo's painting of the Last Supper, you will see him crouched under the table, eating crumbs off the floor), the Easter Bunny was sent to earth by God to cook Jesus breakfast. To quote Raul 3:19 "And then the Mighty Lord sent thine divine Bunny of Easter to Jesus to cook his meals and be his personal chef. He was 3 cubits tall and his fur shone bright like a fluorescent pink highlighter (I bet you didn't know they used highlighters back then). Thine Bunny of Easter made Jesus bountiful breakfasts of eggs and bacon and would hide the breakfast all over Jesus' front lawn, wherest thou he would search for his breakfast before he ate it. Jesus loved such games. Jesus also loved Light Bright, Star Wars coloring books and Starting Lineup baseball figurines."

"But Scott, this still doesn't explain why we celebrate Easter!" OK, OK. I was getting to that....
If we look at Raul 5:23, it reads: "And then one day in a tragic accident, thine Bunny of Easter spilt cooking oil all over his beautiful fur. Thine Bunny reached for a towel to wipe himself off, but when thine Bunny of Easter leaned over the stove to grab a towel, he set his beautiful fur on fire. Thine Bunny of Easter shouted "Mother F**ker!" and ran all over town screaming like Richard Simmons when he gets his period. All of the children pointed and laughed. Jesus walked over to thine Bunny of Easter, who was severely burnt and barely conscious. Thine Bunny of Easter asked for Jesus' healing hand. 'Jesus, thou must save my life so I can cookest thou breakfast tomorrow.' Jesus replied 'Thine Bunny of Easter, you consistently undercook my eggs. Thine eggs are runny and gross. Furthermore, I know you have been using Egg Beaters after I specifically told you not to. I don't have cholesterol problems. Why can't you just feed me some real eggs. And what's this shit where you hide my breakfast on my lawn? I thought it was funny at first, but the joke is over. I mean what the hell, man? Can't you just serve me breakfast at the breakfast table. I made that breakfast table. I'm a carpenter. Why don't we get some use out of it? What's an Israelite gotta do around here to get his breakfast on?'

Jesus then stomped thine Bunny of Easter's face and his blood and guts flew all over the children. All of the children cried. Jesus then sayeth 'Children, thoust shall remember this day. Every Spring thou must search for painted eggs on thine lawn. Thou shalst remember thine Bunny cook of Jesus and thoust shall remember to cook my eggs properly! And if thoust serve me runny eggs I will stop your gourd in like the f**king bunny!!!!"

And that's the story of Easter.

Scotch Tape

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Scotch tape does not actually contain any alcohol, Scotch Whiskey or otherwise. Instead of licking Scotch tape all day at work, you are better off just buying a flask.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Karl Rove

Ribbed For Her Pleasure

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Buying condoms at the local pharmacy can be a bit confusing. There are all of these new innovations in condom technology. It aint just lubricated and unlubricated anymore. Now you have different flavors, different textures, pleasure rings. Yes! Pleasure rings! What the hell is a pleasure ring? Am I on Star Trek? Am I in the pharmacy or outer space?! Anyway, I am sure many of you have come across these condoms that are "ribbed for her pleasure." "Ribbed for her pleasure? Why whatever does that mean, Scott?" I am glad you asked! Ribbed for her pleasure means the condoms taste like BBQ ribs. They come in both the St. Louis and Baby Back Variety. Personally I prefer the Baby Back. I mean uhhhhh my girlfriend prefers the Baby Back. Yeah. My girlfriend. Ummm. I am gonna go now.