Thursday, July 30, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: If porn sites mysteriously appear in your web browser history, Legos are not to blame.
Dear Lego, My name is Scott, and my son is a long time Lego user. He loves your legos. He is 14-years old. Lately, my son has been telling me about some unusual behavior with his Lego sets. I recently purchased him a pirate ship lego set. My son claims late at night, the Lego people have been leaving the pirate ship and have been going on my computer and looking at pornographic pictures on the internet. I checked my internet history, and sure enough, it's true. I definitely didn't view these sites, so the only logical explanation is the lego people included in your set did this. Have you ever had similar reports of lego people walking around at night? How come there is no warning on the box? Do you think if i purchase some female lego characters, they will stop going on my computer and remain in the pirate ship? Please advise, as I am very troubled. Thank you.
And Lego's response:
Dear Scott Thank you for your interest in LEGO® brand toys. We are here to assist you with inquiries about our products but are at a genuine loss how to respond to your email. The majority of our elements are manufactured from ABS plastics which do not have any animated characteristics and therefore would not be responsible for any internet activity. If you need further assistance please call Customer Service at 1-800-835-4386. Moira LEGO Direct Consumer Services
Apparently Legos are inanimate objects. Who would have guessed? The big question is who has been looking at porn on my computer, when I have been asleep? Any ideas? Hit me up at email@example.com and let me know!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: I've discussed the importance of style in previous blog entries. Like my post about Steve Jobs and his black turtlenecks. He wears them all the time! But at least Steve Jobs dresses within the realms of reason. So he wears the same thing every day. Who cares? So does Homer Simpson. It's better then dressing like Lady Gaga (see above picture). What's your deal Lady Gaga? Why does your blouse consist of frog stuffed animals? Are you trying to molest kids in the park? Are you trying to keep flies and other insects at bay? Quit being so weird. You don't even see prostitutes wearing outfits like that.
Lady Gaga, you sing about your desire to ride on my disco stick, but you don't even know me. I have a girlfriend. I don't want you on my disco stick. Not when you look like this without makeup. Gross! Get some plastic surgery! How come everyone in Hollywood has gotten plastic surgery except for you? Are you waiting for an invitation? I'll do it. I'm an unlicensed physician but I think, even I, could fix you up with an exacto blade, some vodka (for sterilization and anesthesia), a couple of band aids and some stitches. I'll tell you what, I'll do it for free.
So what's my point? If you're famous and you're ugly, please get plastic surgery. If you're not famous, I will perform your surgery for free. I'm a good guy, I want to do my part. It may be a little crude, but whatever. Beggars can't be choosers, right? Furthermore, stuffed animals are meant to be played with, not draped on your body like a dress. Remember that, readers. I am gonna quiz you on it later.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: I just arrived home from a vacation in British Columbia. It was a lot of fun. Canada is a great place...except for one thing...Canadians' attitude toward Americans. Now, not every Canadian has a problem with Americans, but a lot do. "America starts wars. America pollutes the earth. America turned Michael Jackson white." Etc. Etc. Well, let me respond to some of these critics.
CRITICISM OF AMERICA NUMBER 1: America is a major contributor to earth's air pollution
SCOTT'S RESPONSE: Yeah, well. Air pollution Air shmolution. You think sunsets would be as pretty if pollution wasn't turning the sky some weird hue of pink or orange? NO! Do you think your lungs would be as strong as they are now if they didn't have to sift through the pollution particles to get to oxygen? NO! America is doing the world a favor. America is toughening the world up! Breathe in that pollution! It's good for ya! It will put some hair on your chest!
CRITICISM OF AMERICA NUMBER 2: America starts wars.
SCOTT'S RESPONSE: War. What is it good for? Uh...absolutely EVERYTHING! America spends billions and billions of dollars on its defense budget. We have the newest hi-tech killing toys. And you want us to just let these sit in a base in Georgia and rust? No! We gotta use them. Awww. Don't worry Canada. Don't worry Europe. We don't want to use them on you! How about we use them on the sand people! People who live in hills and caves? People who believe in polygamy and exploding themselves because they believe if they kill themselves fighting infidels they'll get virgins in heaven. Not like they'd know what to do with so many virgins anyway. You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. How exactly do these suicide bombers plan to pick up these virgins in heaven. Sure, the virgins will be there for the taking, but what are these guys gonna say to pick em up? Uh, hey, my name is Ahmed. Yeah, I have mites in my beard.... But, I digress. Chill out rest of the world. No one is going to miss these people. We can take all of their oil and we will charge the rest of you reasonable rates for it. What? You still care if we blow them up? What are you crazy? Have you been listening to anything I have been saying?
CRITICISM OF AMERICA 3: America is a bully.
SCOTT'S RESPONSE: Who said that?! I said WHO SAID THAT!? You better shut your mouth before I come over there and beat you down with my strong American arms and unmistakable American swagger.
So as you can see, all criticisms of America are unfounded. America is the best country on earth. We embrace materialism, violence, sex, rock & roll, overindulgance and cold hard cash. If you can find something better to do with your time, I'm all ears.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: I will be taking a short vacation so I probably won't be posting for a week or so. In the meantime I suggest you get some payday loans and take a vacation too. This way you won't even know you missed me. If you don't like vacations then maybe you should consider sending your pet on vacation? I bet your dog would love to see Paris. But you wouldn't know that because you never asked him. Did you? DID YOU!? I knew it. You insensitive schmuck! Animals have feelings too.
For all of you who don't have pets, I could think of a lot of things you could spend your money on instead. How about a racecar bed or a Betamax player? Maybe a talking Grubby? I bet you forgot about him. Sure, you remembered Teddy Ruxpin, but Grubby? Teddy Ruxpin's best friend? Who cares about Grubby? I DO. BUY ONE. Or, you could always go to Walmart and buy a shotgun. Then you can shoot stuff. Like Grubby....in your racecar bed...while watching Betamax. It's all coming together now isn't it? No? It's not? Well, take some time this week to think about it. Let it incubate in your head awhile. By the time I'm back, you'll be ready for more.
If in my absense you find yourself lonely, feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Tell me what's wrong. What can i do to help? Papa Scott is always here for you. Shhhhh. There there. It will be ok.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you're addicted to the internet? You want to spend less time surfing the web and more time combing the streets for prostitutes. Big ups. Right on. So how do you do it? Good question. According to China, shock therapy is NOT, I repeat, is NOT an appropriate treatment for internet addiction. Well, there goes that idea. Before reading that article I was almost positive shock therapy was the solution. Here are some other suggestions:
-Get addicted to drugs.
If your drug habit is so out of control you are doing drugs 24/7, that's time you won't be spending at the computer. After you get addicted to drugs you can go to rehab. After rehab hopefully you are cured of your drug problem and weened off of your internet addiction. If you relapse, you can always repeat the process. WARNING: Don't die when doing drugs or this whole process is for nothing.
-Get a girlfriend
Maybe if you spent more time wining and dining a girlfriend and less time jackin' it to Japanese bukaki internet porn, you wouldn't be on the internet so much?
-Destroy your computer and your phone
If you don't have a computer or a phone, you probably can't get on the internet. No access to internet, no addiction. Problem solved.
-Make some friends
If you are too much of a spazz to get a girlfriend, you are too puny and weak to destroy your computer and you can't afford a debilitating drug habit, maybe you should make some friends? NO. Not on the internet! In real life. "But Scott, I can't remember what having friends in real life is like." Well, they are just like friends on the internet, except they don't mollest children and they don't have numerals after their name. You can meet these friends in a book club, the back room of an adult video store or an NRA meeting.
Even if you kick your internet addiction, it's ok to check out http://scottstipoftheday.blogspot.com. No one could blame you for that.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Toby, erhem, I mean Levar Burton, was involved in a car crash today. It appears Levar is going to be OK. (Sorry CNN, I know you had his obituary written and ready to post.) What a relief! No, seriously, I'm glad. I know you think I'm being sarcastic but I'm not...for once. I often watched Reading Rainbow as a kid. And after I watched, instead of reading books, I watched the other shows that came after it like 3-2-1 Contact or Wild America, with Marty Stouffer. I read less than I would have read, if I had never watched Reading Rainbow at all. This was my first lesson in irony. Events like these shaped me into the cynical bastard I am today. So what's my tip of the day? Don't crash into Levar Burton's car because I will hunt you down and make you pay! I will make you forsake your name and adopt a new one...Toby. If you have to ask "Why Toby?" then you obviously missed the part about irony.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: You know what really grinds my gears? Uh. Hmm. Where was I? What was I saying? I can't remember. Do you? I was complaining about something and then... No? Nothing? Man, memory loss can be a problem. It is a disease inflicting 5,999,999,999 people on earth. The one guy it doesn't effect? Rain Man. That guy can remember everything. From where to buy his underwear (K-mart) to random baseball player statistics. Good for him. But for the rest of us, we need ways to retain information. Here are three easy tips to help you remember things and/or cope with memory loss
-Tattoo any important information on your body. Grocery lists, important dates, addresses, phone numbers etc. When you run out of room you can always just remove expired information with laser surgery.
-Stop smoking, injecting, ingesting and sniffing drugs. Drugs mess up your mind. If you do too many you might forget not to poop your pants. While that would be hilarious for all of your friends, it would not be for you. Unless you wear adult diapers...because then the joke's on them.
-Do less stuff. The less people you know, the less places you go, the less you will have to remember. It's a lot easier to remember things if you're an agoraphobe. You won't have too much to remember if you never leave your house.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Whatever you do, don't buy a Ouija board!!! See my correspondences with Hasbro below:
I purchased a glow in the dark Ouija board for my son, L'Marshawn's 8th birthday. He has been asking for one since he saw his "homey" Tryice use one during snack time at Martin Luther King Jr. elementary. L'Marshawn brought his Ouija board to a friend's sleepover party the other night. He returned without sleeping a wink. He now claims to have been possessed by the ghost of Francis Scott Key. I did not believe him at first, but when he was able to play the Star Spangled Banner perfectly on piano, I knew it was for real. (We are Canadian, he never learned the Star Spangled Banner) He has had some interesting stories about encountering Joseph Goebbels and River Phoenix in the afterlife. (This is confusing to me. Either Joseph Goebbels is in heaven or Francis Scott Key was in hell... but this is neither here nor there) Anyway, do you have any sort of tool to extricate the ghost of Francis Scott Key from my son? He is very well behaved but it's not funny anymore and i want L'Marshawn back. Thank you -Scott
And Hasbro's response....
Thank you for contacting us regarding Hasbro's Ouija game. We apologize for your recent experience and we appreciate your taking the time to bring this matter to our attention. Hasbro, Inc. prides itself on its excellent reputation, based on years of experience in planning, designing and constructing safe, dependable and age appropriate products. We do count on parents such as you to help us maintain the high standards we keep for parents and their children. For your convenience, we will send a postage paid label to assist you in returning the game to us. Unfortunately, we cannot do so without a sufficient address. Your email profile does not have a postal code but rather a US zip code. Please update this as soon as possible and respond to this email so we can send the shipping label. As soon as we receive the product, we will forward it to our Quality Assurance team for further evaluation, and a different product of comparable value will be sent. Thank you.
Safe products? How is a Ouija board safe? You are putting people in touch with spirits of the netherworld. What if they're angry spirits? Then what!!!??
I also get the feeling Hasbro wasn't listening to me. How is mailing my Ouija board back to Hasbro going to purge Francis Scott's Key's ghost from L'Marshawn's body? Huh!? I don't want a refund! I want my son back! Hasbro doesn't seem to want to take any responsibility here. "If we give you a refund, will you leave us alone and forget about your son?" No! I won't! I don't want your blood money, Hasbro! Well, OK. I do. But I want more than I spent on the board game! Come on! Make me a reasonable offer! How about a few benjamins? No? Well, I won't be buying your board games anymore! And readers, neither should you.
Questions? Comments? Concerns? Is your significant other mad because you pulled the angry badger on her? Are people hesitant to hang out with you because you bring your Furby everywhere? Do you keep getting arrested for pickpocketing senior citizens in the retirement home? Well then I can help. I can help you with any and all of your problems. Just shoot me an email at email@example.com. Ask me for help. That's what I'm here for. I'll make all of your problems dissapear.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Although Lever 2000 advertises "for your 2000 body parts," they are unable to confirm which body parts Lever can be used on. See below...
Dear Lever 2000, am interested in using your product. I understand it can be used on 2000 different body parts. Do you have a list of body parts upon which Lever 2000 can be safely applied? I tried putting together a list of possible parts but was unable to get anywhere near 2000.
This is my list:
If you could please include the other 1995 body parts I would greatly appreciate it. I feel like I am missing out on the full potential of your product because of my shoddy knowledge of human anatomy. Sincerely Yours,
And their response...
Hello Scott, Thanks for writing! The term used in our advertising, "for all your 2000 parts", is poetic license. It simply means the Lever 2000 product is suitable for all parts of the body. We hope this information is helpful!
Your friends at Unilever
Poetic license? Who gave them a poetic license? Where do I apply for one of those? I seriously doubt Lever 2000 is safe for the eyes. I would imagine that stinging sensation means it is not supposed to go there. I like how they signed this letter "Your friends at Unilever." Since when are you my friends? You make me buy bodywash from you. Don't friends share? Sharing is caring, Lever 2000! I've had it up to here with you! You are full of sh*t Lever 2000!!!!!!! I am never purchasing your products again! And readers, neither should you!
Scott's Tip Of The Day: What is the worst creation of the Post WWII era? Pet Rocks? Kyrgyzstan? Scientology? All good guesses, but no. The answer, my friends, is the 1987 collaboration between the Beach Boys and the Fat Boys, Wipe Out.
Now don't get me wrong...The Beach Boys are arguably one of the best Rock & Roll groups of all time, but post 1975 they contributed nothing to the world except for the hit, Kokomo. (Their appearances on Full house do not constitute a contribution to society). And the Fat Boys? Everyone forgot about the Fat Boys....and that's a good thing. It's a wonder they weren't tried in the Hague before the International Criminal Court for their 1987 film, Disorderlies. Surely that constitutes a crime against humanity. Can you name one song by the Fat Boys? You can? Then I don't want to be your friend anymore.
Nobody likes fat people unless they are comedians. Even then they can be funny and repulsive at the same time. And the Fat Boys are not comedians. Just because it's fun to laugh at them, it doesn't mean they are comedians.
Nobody likes old people. The Beach Boys were old, even in 1987. Wipe Out is a combination of old people and fat people. At least if we were dealing with old, fat people, there would be less persons involved and they would presumably inflict less pain on their audience. But here we have old AND fat people. What a nightmare! You have probably already watched the Wipe Out youtube video, that I cruelly included in this post, and for that I am not sorry, because knowing some of my readers watched that, makes me laugh. If you can't handle the emotional scarring, then put on your fat pants, eat some Ben & Jerry's and throw Beaches in the VCR. You can have a good cry. Let it all out. Always a good cathartic experience. If you have a Y chromosome and Beaches isn't for you, then you can contact Rekall and have your memories replaced/erased.
Don't be mad at me. Sometimes lessons are tough.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Everyone has heard a proverb or two. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. One man's trash is another man's treasure. But you know what? I have a problem with these proverbs. Why? I don't know who said them. I don't know the context. Maybe we're reading too much into them?
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
What if the bird is carrying bird flu? What do you intend to do with this bird? How do you know it doesn't have intestinal parasites? Are all of the birds of the same species? Is it a cockatoo or is it a crow? Do I have protective gloves on? What makes this bird so valuable in my hand? What kind of bush are these birds in? Wouldn't two birds in a rose bush be worth more than a bird in my hand? Who is appraising the value of these birds? What are his qualifications?
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
What kind of idiot lives in a glass house? What if he throws stones outside of the vicinity of his house? What if his house is made of bulletproof glass? Wouldn't someone who lives in a glass see-through house have more pressing issues to attend to? Like where am I going to change where people aren't going to see my ding dong? If this person isn't allowed to throw stones does this preclude him from stabbing people instead? Does this person have insurance on his house? Does his insurance cover stone damage?
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Who is this man who finds my treasure so appealing? Is he homeless? Is he really qualified to appraise the value of second hand items? Believe me, the milk i threw out today, that expired 2 weeks ago, is no one's treasure. Even if I threw a shoe with holes out and a man started wearing that do you think he would call it "treasure?" No! He would say "Damn, I got a beat up shoe, it still sucks but it's better than nothing." That's not treasure. Treasure is gold coins. You find treasure where 'X' marks the spot. I learned that from pirates (they weren't Somalian).
Don't listen to proverbs if you don't know where they come from. Trust your source.
Here are some proverbs you can attribute to me:
-If it has an adam's apple and wears a skirt, and you're a straight guy, you're gonna get hurt
-They don't speak English, so take all their money, they can't report you, it will be funny
-Sex and strangulation poses a danger, instead sit on your hand. and give you a stranger
-If you are sad, then stab a clown, it will turn your frown upside down (or at least it will turn my frown upside down when you stab a clown)
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: When Michael Jackson recorded Thriller, he probably never imagined the choreography from his music video would be reenacted by inmates at a prison in the Philippines. Shows how much he knew! Anyway, this video is a little old but I think it puts everything in perspective. Sure, Michael is gone. But there is still a man who can dance like him at Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center. That's just as good, right? I really hope American Idol finds a way to work him into next season. Perhaps they can have a live video feed from his prison cell?
In any case, have a happy 4th of July and I will be back to blog more next week! If you have any questions, comments, concerns feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I will answer any question you have. "Where did I leave my keys?" "I am hosting a human meat BBQ, how long should I leave the meat on the grill?" etc. etc. I am a valuable resource of knowledge. It would be a crime to waste me.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Scott's Tip Of The Day: New York State Senators. Look at all of you. You should be ashamed of yourself. Bills need to be passed. Important bills with big implications on such hotbed issues as education and gay marriage.... and all you can do is engage in petty partisan nonsense. Seriously guys, no one is going to reelect any of you if you can't play nice. What's the state paying you for? I am sick of reading about this in the news. You could have fixed this problem in like 5 mins. Governor David Paterson is legally blind. All you have to do is say "Yeah, uh... we resolved our issues and voted on everything, you were there, remember?' David Paterson won't want to look like an idiot. He'll be all "Oh yeah, thanks guys you can go home now." By the time he realizes what's up, you guys will all be on fancy vacations, funded by illegal lobbyist donations and misappropriated funds from your local elementary school. You guys are slimy politicians, you shouldn't need me to think of this for you.