Thursday, December 25, 2008

Money Can't Buy You Love

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Money can't buy you love. But, it can buy you a real housewife of Orange County.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Pics Of Your Kids On Facebook

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Nobody thinks its cute when you put a picture of your child on your Facebook profile page in lieu of your own pic. Nobody is amused. Nobody cares.

You have a child. We get it. Great. Is he dressed up for Halloween or does he normally dress like a sailor? Does your son normally look like a member of the village people? What? He does? That's awful.

Do you realize your ex-girlfriend is probably printing out tons of pics of your baby and hanging them up all over her room imagining what it would have been like if she didn't sleep with your best friend (who also happens to be your facebook friend) and ruin your engagement?

Did you notice you forgot to turn on your privacy settings and millions of people from around the world are viewing your profile and laughing at your kid because he looks like that guy from South America with hair all over his face?

If anybody thinks your son is cute, they won't after seeing him every day in their Facebook feed for the next 3 years. Your son will not be grateful that you paraded pictures of him going doo doo in his first potty all over social networking sights. So do the world a favor and replace your kid's picture with that pic from college where you are belligerently drunk and grabbing your junk in a lewd, obscene manner.


Scott's Tip Of The Day: Conversing with a midget for more than five minutes at a time without offending him is almost a futile endeavor. Nonetheless, I figured it would be prudent to advise you on some common pitfalls I have encountered over the years while talking to my little friends..

RULE NUMBER 1: Midgets don't like to be called "midgets". They preferred to be called "little people". You may think "little people" sounds more demeaning than "midgets." You wouldn't be the only one. Midgets also don't like to be called leprechauns, dwarfs, hell spawns, midge(s), lawn jockeys, baby people, God's little mistakes or elves.

RULE NUMBER 2: Midget tossing must be consensual between the tosser and the tossee. Putting roofies or GHB in a midget's drink to soften him up to the idea of getting tossed is just as bad as date rape.

RULE NUMBER 3: Asking a midget if he has a tiny penis is not appropriate conversation. It's an interesting question, that's for sure, but social norms dictate this subject matter is off limits. Similarly, asking a midget about his pot of gold, magical powers and/or requesting free Keebler baked goods is bound to provoke a hostile reaction.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you were born in the early 1980's, like myself, you probably watched a lot of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT). TMNT was a great cartoon, but it propagated many myths which are still being dispelled to this day. This post is an attempt to undo any damage TMNT might have done to you during your formative years.

MYTH 1 - Pouring Nuclear Waste On Yourself Will Mutate You Into An Indestructible Karate Warrior

Unfortunately, pouring nuclear waste on yourself does not give you special powers. You may end up looking like Sloth from Goonies, but without the retard strength (bummer). Pouring nuclear waste on yourself does not turn you into a giant turtle, rat, pig or rhinoceros. It is, however, a great way to contract cancer.

MYTH 2 - Turtles Like Pizza

Feeding your pet turtle pizza will kill it. Turtle digestive systems were not designed to handle pizza. No amount of nuclear waste you pour on your turtle will change this. Lord knows I've tried. Feed your turtle salad or apple sauce. I think they like bugs too.

MYTH 3 - Hanging Out In The Sewer Is Cool.

Hanging out in the sewer is even worse than sitting through a Jimmy Fallon sketch on Saturday Night Live. The sewer smells like doo doo. It's dark and unheated. There are a lot of roaches, rats and diseases down there. If you are looking for a cool place to hang out ask your daddy to build you a tree house or something. If you don't have a daddy just find a neighbor with a tree house and take it by force. I am pretty sure that's legal.

MYTH 4 - If You Befriend A Strange Mutant He Will Teach You Karate

If a giant man who looks like a rat offers to be your friend and teach you karate, take a step back and think for a minute. Does he look familiar? Why does he look familiar? You saw him on NBC Dateline's To Catch A Predator, didn't you? Yeah you did. He was the guy with the wine coolers. Remember kids. Karate will often make you sore. But if it makes your butt sore that's the wrong kind of sore.

MYTH 5 - Hot Newscasters Enjoy Hanging Out With Mutants

April was pretty hot. She seemed pretty personable too. As far as cartoons I would date she is only second on the list to Jessica Rabbit. So what was she doing hanging out with 4 mutant turtles and a mutant rat? Was her self esteem flawed? Probably, but she still wouldn't hang out with a bunch of mutants. No one is that friendly. Especially a reporter. Beware of attractive newscasters who take a sudden interest in you. Also, it's generally a good idea to watch out for girls named after months of the year. They tend to be strippers.

Pink Panther

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I am sure you are all wondering how so many people insulate their house with Pink Panther insulation when there was only one Pink Panther. I mean, how much Pink Panther blood and guts could there be to go around? Well, to be quite honest, the manufacturer lied. Very little Pink Panther insulation is actually made of the Pink Panther. It mostly consists of his friends, family, acquaintances and business associates

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Burlington Coat Factory

Scott's Tip Of The Day: The Burlington Coat factory's motto is "We're more than great coats." This begs the question "If I buy a great coat, what else could I possibly need?" You know the answer to this and so do I....You need inappropriate physical contact with Burlington Coat Factory salespeople. Be that as it may, I have firsthand knowledge that the employees of Burlington Coat Factory (male or female) do not provide this service. Attempting to engage in such behavior may even lead to swift action by the local authorities. So in conclusion, despite its promises, The Burlington Coat Factory is actually nothing more than great coats.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Kool Aid

Scott's Tip Of The Day: As startling as it sounds, the Kool Aid Man's seeming inability to open doors is responsible for more damage to American housing than any hurricane or tropical storm on record.

Jack Bauer

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If Jack Bauer has taught us anything, it's that any time sensitive crisis can be solved with a little choking and shouting.

Pregnancy Tests

Scott's Tip Of The Day: One common complaint with take home pregnancy tests is that it is difficult to read the indicator. "Am I pregnant or Not? What does this blue splotch mean?" The truth of the matter is if you can't read a simple pregnancy test, you are definitely unfit to be a parent. The best course of action is going to Dr. Shadystein and getting an abortion. Afterwards, getting your tubes tied is probably a good idea too. Just in case, you should also probably never have sex again.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Going strictly by her name I imagine some good places to look would be Spain, Latin America or the Bronx