Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Today, my life changed when I heard the best advice of my life. And who gave it? Charlie Sheen. What did he say? "Stay off the crack, and I still think that's pretty good advice, unless you can manage it socially. If you can manage it socially, then go for it, but not a lot of people can, you know?" Amen, Charlie. Amen.
Scott's Tip Of The Day: What's worse than being voted the worst teen celebrity role model? Give up? Causing your parents to get divorced!
Who'd do such a thing? Why it's Miley Cyrus, y'all! Poor Miley. She doesn't know what she's doing. You're a child celebrity. You're supposed to act cute while your parents capitalize on your fame and exploit you for your money. Don't you know the rules? Michael Jackson, Gary Coleman and Lindsay Lohan all did it. You should follow their example. Instead you're smoking drugs from a bong and ruining your parents' marriage. Shame on you, Miley. Do you think you can just do whatever you want? Well you can't. And that's why I'm calling up Silvio Berlusconi and canceling that sexy date I set up for you. You don't deserve it!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Restoring a public park can benefit the surrounding community in a variety of ways. Not only does it look aesthetically pleasing, but it can increase property values as well. Sometimes there are even unintended benefits. For instance, maybe your park is so beautiful that porn directors feel compelled to film adult movies there. That happened on Miami Beach Island recently where RealityKings decided to film their latest picture. You can read about it here.
Personally, I find this abhorrent. No, not because of the sex in public. Mostly because the plot line sounds especially weak. Random sex in a park? Eh. Every good porn plot revolves around a pool boy, pizza man, plumber or other service guy. They come to the house with the intention of just conducting some routine repairs and then boom, suddenly you've got some sexy time going on. Ohhhh yeahhhh. How can you work any of these characters into sex in a park? It would be totally contrived. Mark my words, this film will not any adult film awards. Sorry, RealityKings. I'm getting more porn fix elsewhere.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Do you ever wish you had eyes in the back of your head? How about a camera? An NYU professor installed a camera in the back of his head for a "performance project." It was causing too much pain though and had to be removed. You can read about it here.
I guess merely wearing a camera backwards on top of his head wouldn't have accomplished the same objective (which was to presumably look like a freak). This professor HAD to surgically implant a foreign electronic object in the back of his head, in the name of art. 99% of the world doesn't buy your justification, Professor. You can't just do whatever you want and claim it's art. I learned this the hard way. I pooped on my desk at work and attempted to justify it by saying 1)it was an art installation and 2)I did it during my lunch break so I didn't waste company time. Although I'm still convinced my colleagues admired my work, I was reprimanded. I've been going to intense therapy three times a week ever since.
The worst part of all this is these college students are paying over $40,000 a year for the privilege of studying at NYU. They take four or five classes a semester and one of them is this class. If they carry five classes a semester and this class is only a semester long, that's $40,000 divided by 2, then divided by 5. That equals $4,000. $4,000 to learn from a man who thinks installing a camera in his head is a good idea. A homeless man could teach you more constructive things for a lot less money. Things like panhandling, graceful ways to die in abandoned warehouse fires, pickpocketing and where to find really good cardboard boxes to sleep on.
So if you're feeling bored, forget about installing unnecessary electronic equipment in your body. Get homeless lessons from a hobo instead.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: According to a recent article in the Washington Post, "Dozens of breast-feeding women plan to descend on the Hirshhorn Museum on Saturday for a 'nurse-in' to highlight their federally protected right to nourish their babies in public."
Hey ladies. No one wants to see you breastfeed your kids in public. You've got it rough. I get that. You've been sitting at home watching your housekeeper change diapers. Exhausting. You've spent all day complaining about how the expensive gym membership is even though you never go. Watching all of that daytime TV is grueling too. Lets not forget how you are calling your husband every ten minutes because you are bored out of your mind. BTW, you should probably cut down on that, you're going to get him fired.)
So, yeah. It's hard. You (barely) take care of your child and you don't have as much time to sit around the country club and flirt with fitness instructors and pool boys. You feel lonely and you need attention. So you think it's a good idea to go to a museum and breast feed your kid with 190 other militant feminists. That's a great solution. You're going to be really popular after that. Do you think your baby is going to be proud of you when he grows up and finds out you did this? Do you think your husband is going to have any incentive to stop sleeping with his executive assistant when he hears how nuts you've gone? No! So calm down. Your hormones are driving you crazy. Get out the Ben & Jerry's. Put your fat pants on. Have a seat on the couch. Plug your VCR in, go find your Beaches VHS, watch some Bette Midler and have a good cry. But don't breast feed in public. You're just embarrassing yourself.
Scott's Tip Of The Day: As you are probably well aware, Tibet is a taboo subject in China. In fact, Groupon's Superbowl Ad, which poked fun at Tibetan cuisine, appears to have hurt its chances of bringing its service to the Chinese market. You can read about it here.
If a silly Superbowl ad causes controversy, you can imagine how much controversy the Dalai Lama causes when he advocates for Tibetan independence. If you're unfamiliar with the Dalai Lama, he's the spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhists. When he dies, he's reincarnated and Tibetan monks are sent out to find him in his new reincarnated body. The problem is that he's been exiled from Tibet for over 50 years and he doesn't want to be reincarnated in Communist China. He says he may choose to not reincarnate himself at all. Chinese officials are claiming that they'll ignore these wishes and choose his successor anyway. You can read about some of the controversy here.
Communist China and the Dalai Lama are never going to agree. And you know what? You guys have had a long time to come up with a solution. You guys can't play nice. So I'm going to do the only logical thing and preemptively decide who the next Dalai Lama will be. Since no one has decided the Dalai Lama's successor, I am going to do so right now and that will be that. Any further discussion on the matter will be moot and void.
So who is it going to be?
Pilot Inspektor. Yes. That's really someone's name. In fact it's Jason Lee's kid. You know. Jason Lee? The dude from My Name is Earl and Almost Famous. Yeah. He's a Scientologist. And he named his kid Pilot Inspektor. Unfortunately, this is not grounds for child abuse in California and the only way I could think of to get this kid out of the Lee residence is to name him the next Dalai Lama. So Pilot Inspektor. Please report to Dharamsala, India. Everyone is waiting for you.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you've been married awhile and you think it's time to start a family. Or maybe you want to start a family but you aren't married. You're a progressive couple who doesn't believe in institutions like marriage, religion, the banking system or anything that could possibly be construed as sensible. Perhaps you're a unhinged, social deviant in her early 40s who wants to inseminate herself with seed from a sperm bank because no guy you date can accept the fact you own eight cats that roam freely throughout your 600 square foot apartment. Whatever the case, you've reached that point where you want to bring a bundle of joy into your life. You want to spend over a million dollars raising a child that will constantly disappoint you and never live up to your expectations. Well then, you are in luck. I'll help you out.
Ugh! No! That's gross. That's not what I meant. I'm not going to help you conceive a baby. Look at yourself. You're hideous. I'm way out of your league. What I can do is point you to this study, however(click here). According to the NY Post,
"A study of 229 Israeli women undergoing in-vitro fertilization (IVF) to treat infertility received 15-minute visit from a trained "medical clown" immediately after the embryos were implanted. The success rate ballooned to 36%, compared with 20% for women who weren't given the silly treatment."
You know what this means? Hanging out with a "medical clown" boosts your chances of a successful in-vitro fertilization procedure by 16%! What they failed to disclose in this study is it also increases your chances of panic attack, date rape, extreme depression, uncontrollable sweating and a general feeling of unease by 50%.
Those are the facts. I can't make that kind of stuff up. If you want a baby, get a clown involved. A medical clown. And all of your dreams will come true. The world is yours.
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Do you like to speculate about the future? Do you like to fart? Well stay away from Malawi because a bill is about to be presented in Parliament banning fortune telling and farting. You can read about it here.
I was always under the impression that Africa had bigger problems. Malaria. AIDS Starvation. Violence. Those tribeswomen with the rings around their neck. And perhaps the most tragic of all: poor kids in the street listening to Thriller because they think that's the new coolest thing to come out of America. That was 30 years ago! Can't you at least try to get with the times? Can't you take at least a tiny step forward in time and start listening to A-Ha or Duran Duran? If you're unwilling to cooperate I'm going to take away your giant ball of electrical tape. The one you've been using as a soccer ball. Never mind. I'm not that cruel. But I will take away your 2008 Patriots Superbowl champion shirt.
I think given these circumstances it would be in everyone's best interests to just cross Malawi off your travel list. Why travel somewhere you can't fart? While you're at it add Egypt, North Korea, Iran, Afghanistan, Iraq, the Jersey Shore and Staten Island. I would leave these places off your travel list until it is safe to travel to them or their tourism boards buy advertising space on my blog.
Any questions, comments or concerns? The (juris) doctor is in. I'll help you out. I'll set you straight. I'll fix you up. Dating advice? No problem. Moral quandary? Talk to me. Weird growth on your chin? Uhhh better see a real doctor for that one. email@example.com. I look forward to hearing from you. (Unless you are my long lost uncle from Nigeria who suddenly died and left me $1,000,000.)