Friday, May 29, 2009


Scott's Tip Of The Day: Who picks up the phone when you dial 9-1-1? No!! Not Snagglepuss!! What are you, retarded!?? The answer I was looking for was "Emergency response!"

And who picks up the phone when you dial 4-1-1? Very good! Information! But just because Information is called "Information," it doesn't mean they have all of the info you are looking for. Information can only provide you with addresses and telephone numbers. And even then, their services are limited. They can't tell you where to buy cocaine. They can't tell you where to find the hottest disease free hooker. They can't help you with your math homework or that thing on your leg that has been pussing since you picked it with an infected nail. By the way, why WERE you picking your leg with an infected nail? Did your mother teach you nothing?

Anyway, I digress..... the point is that 4-1-1 can't answer any of the important questions. But who can? The mafia! So when you have a problem, find an organized crime family. They retain the best Jewish accountants and attorneys, they know how to "solve problems," they know where to find hookers and drugs and they have got a few doctors who know how to keep your problems hush hush! Fogettah bout 4-1-1! Call the mafia today!

Chris Illuminati

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Over the past few months, I have amassed many blog followers. My blog viewership is steadily increasing. What do I attribute this to? Gorilla marketing? Guerilla marketing? Well, yes, the gorillas and guerillas certainly play a big part in my success. (Thank you Magilla Gorilla, your check is in the mail). But the blogging community has certainly been kind to me too. When I started blogging, I did some down and dirty research. I hit the blogosphere hard trying to soak up as much as I could. I read dumb blogs. I read sad blogs. I read blogs I didn't understand. After I sorted through all the garbage, I found some blogs I found funny, contacted their writers, asked for them to link my blog to their site and also asked them for some blogging advice. A lot of bloggers were rude. A lot of bloggers had big egos. "20,000 people visited my site yesterday! I am amazing and this totally belies the fact I am 400 pounds and cry myself to sleep every night. I am going to treat everyone who emails me like crap!" That kind of thing. BUT, a lot of bloggers are exactly the opposite.

One blogger who i would like to give a big shout out to is Chris Illuminati. He runs the blog Great Moments In Christory ( Right off the bat, I dug his blog. Some good writing. Chris is a funny guy. His prose comes off sincere and somehow he has managed not to get as cynical and jaded as I have. Chris has given me blogging tips (Don't blog with your mouth full, A blog in the hand is worth two in the bush). He has also encouraged me and supported Scott's Tip Of The Day, when it was still in its infancy, and I was struggling to get 50 unique hits a day. Thank you Chris! And to the rest of you - Read his blog.... Regularly!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Ashton Kutcher

Scott's Tip Of The Day: What do you do when Ashton Kutcher threatens to stop using Twitter? YOU PANIC!

Why would Ashton Kutcher want to abandon Twitter? Apparently Twitter has been in talks to create a Twitter TV show. Ashton Kutcher thinks this is a violation of his privacy. "Me!? Ashton Kutcher? On a TV show? How dare you!" Kutcher is quoted in the article as saying "It's all fun and games until somebody gets stalked."

Wait. Lets rewind. What does Ashton Kutcher do on Twitter? He discusses... I'm sorry.... he "tweets" the various things going on in his life. The mundane things. The things no one cares about. "I just took a dump. It was green." Those types of things. And Kutcher's upset because he believes a Twitter TV show would cramp his privacy and lead to stalking!? What about the tweeting Ashton!? What about the tweeting!? You tell people exactly where you are and what you're doing every second of the day! That in itself won't encourage stalking? My God, man! What are you thinking!?

Luckily for Kutcher, he is a total tool. Don't worry, Ashton. No one is going to stalk you. No one likes you. Your inflated sense of self importance is an even stronger at repelling people than toxic nerve gas. You aren't even worth a serial killer's time. "But Scott, if nobody likes me, then how do I have 3 million followers on Twitter?" Easy! These followers consist of the deaf, dumb and blind, people who can't speak english, people who looking for pictures to post on their gun targets in the shooting gallery, and the mentally retarded.

I don't care about your Twitter threats, Ashton. I am boycotting you, regardless. What's my tip of the day? Boycott Ashton Kutcher too!

You're Getting A Dell Dude!

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Dell employees are really patient with old people. See below:

9:12:25 AM Scott TOTD
Initial Question/Comment:

9:12:31 AM System
You are now being connected to an agent. Thank you for using Dell Chat

9:12:31 AM System
Connected with BE_PR1_Rex_R

9:12:41 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
Welcome to Dell Sales Chat! I hope you are doing well and thank you for waiting. My name is Rex and I will be your personal sales agent today. Feel free to email me at or leave me a message at 1800-379-3355 ext. 2160085, from 8AM CST – 12 CST. Please provide your e-mail address and phone number where I can contact you in case we get disconnected. How may I help you with your purchase today?You might be interested in our newly released product, the Studio One 19 Desktop. It’s an all-in-one, touch-screen desktop.

9:12:46 AM Scott TOTD
Hello Rex

9:12:46 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
To better serve you, Dell now offers Secure Payment via Chat for our chat customers!

9:12:56 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
Hi Scott, how are you today?

9:13:05 AM Scott TOTD
I am good, the weather is awful though!

9:13:11 AM Scott TOTD
where are you? Texas?

9:13:32 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
no, we are located in the Philippines.

9:13:40 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
how may I help you today?

9:13:52 AM Scott TOTD
Well Rex, this is actually my first time on a computer

9:14:10 AM Scott TOTD
I am 89 years old and my son, God bless his heart, he wants to get me a computer for my 90th birthday

9:14:21 AM Scott TOTD
So he said, talk to you guys and you will tell me what works for me.

9:14:34 AM Scott TOTD
I am used to a typewriter, I don't really understand these computer things

9:14:57 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
I'll be glad to help you with your concern =)

9:15:04 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
are you looking for a desktop or a laptop?

9:15:13 AM Scott TOTD
Thank you Rex. How is it over in the phillipines? Is the weather nice?

9:15:33 AM Scott TOTD
Well the desktop is the big computer on the table right? And the laptop is the small one that folds?

9:15:57 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
yes, you are right.

9:16:21 AM Scott TOTD
My friend Morty Finkelstein at the retirement home said his grandson was electrecuted by a IBM thinkpad laptop

9:16:22 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
oh the weather is great although a bit hot during the day

9:16:32 AM Scott TOTD
and he had to go to the hospital

9:16:37 AM Scott TOTD
but then he fell in love with the nurse

9:16:39 AM Scott TOTD
and then married her

9:16:52 AM Scott TOTD
which is great, i am happy for him, but i don't want to be electrecuted, rex!

9:16:57 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
oh that is so unfortunate

9:17:06 AM Scott TOTD
Yes, does this ever happen with dell laptops?

9:17:18 AM Scott TOTD
I am an old man, I can't afford to be electrecuted

9:17:31 AM Scott TOTD
I am wearing dishwashing gloves right now so I don't get electrecuted

9:17:35 AM Scott TOTD
my son thinks I am crazy

9:17:37 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
we have had reports of that incident with our computers.

9:17:52 AM Scott TOTD
Oh dear, does this happen with desktops too?

9:18:19 AM Scott TOTD
Do you have special suits you can wear, like biohazard suits, so it is safe to use the computer?

9:18:26 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
no it does not.

9:18:28 AM Scott TOTD
my typewriter never electrecuted me. I am scared!

9:18:38 AM Scott TOTD
Ok, I guess I want a desktop then.

9:18:53 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
you don't have to worry,all our systems are safe.

9:19:03 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
would you like me to help you customize one?

9:19:07 AM Scott TOTD
Now, can you explain to me what the internet is? Are we on it now?

9:19:28 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
yes we are on it right now.

9:19:31 AM Scott TOTD
My son keeps talking about surfing the internet, but I am an old man and I don't want to break any bones

9:19:35 AM Scott TOTD
do I have to surf?

9:19:43 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
with Internet you can get the information from anywhere

9:20:09 AM Scott TOTD
Information from anywhere...interesting

9:20:22 AM Scott TOTD
when I was a kid you had to go to the library and pay the mean ol' librarian two bits

9:20:33 AM Scott TOTD
and then she would look up the card catalog

9:20:36 AM Scott TOTD
and get you your books

9:20:44 AM Scott TOTD
We didn't have any internet! Ha Ha!

9:20:52 AM Scott TOTD
This technology is amazing!

9:21:18 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
that was way before, but now you can get all the information you want in your home just using the internet

9:21:36 AM Scott TOTD
Ok, I have another concern. Do your computers come with locks?

9:21:48 AM Scott TOTD
I am worried my grandkids will go to the internet

9:21:56 AM Scott TOTD
and look at these pictures of unsavory naked women

9:22:06 AM Scott TOTD
I heard about this on the television

9:22:15 AM Scott TOTD
kids looking at naked women...and men...on the internet!

9:22:27 AM Scott TOTD
Can you offer me a machine that protects me from this?

9:22:58 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
yes, we have it.

9:23:15 AM Scott TOTD
I use a master lock at the gymnasium, can I use that with this computer?

9:23:23 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
just in case we get disconnected , may I have teh ebst phone number to reach you?

9:23:38 AM Scott TOTD

9:23:47 AM Scott TOTD
Why would we get disconnected? Where are you going?

9:24:23 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
sometimes it happens.

9:24:32 AM Scott TOTD
The internet sounds dangerous

9:24:37 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
will you be needing a compelet desktop or just a tower?

9:24:38 AM Scott TOTD
people get electrecuted and disconnected

9:24:52 AM Scott TOTD
what is a tower?

9:26:04 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
it is the CPU which containts the all the parts to make the computer run

9:26:29 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
since this will be your first system, i think we should get you a monitor as well

9:26:59 AM Scott TOTD
A monitor? Ok

9:27:11 AM Scott TOTD
Rex, what is it like in the phillipines

9:27:18 AM Scott TOTD
I was over in Japan in World War 2

9:27:25 AM Scott TOTD
but the world has probably changed a lot since then

9:29:09 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
a lot has changed.

9:29:29 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
Ok, let me explain how the process works. I’m going to ask you a few questions about your computer needs and usage. Then Ill configure a system that looks right for your needs AND your budget. We'll spend a few moments going over the system and talk about it a little more.

9:30:57 AM Scott TOTD

9:31:19 AM Scott TOTD
My son showed me this movie the terminator where machines attacked people

9:31:31 AM Scott TOTD
is this possible? can my computer become sentient and rebel?

9:31:38 AM Scott TOTD
I am an old man, I can't take that kind of excitement

9:32:02 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
no that is just a fiction.

9:32:05 AM Scott TOTD
If I was a young whippersnapper I could beat that machine down like I beat those dirty krauts in germany

9:32:16 AM Scott TOTD
Ok good

9:32:19 AM Scott TOTD
I am relieved.

9:33:27 AM Scott TOTD
Oh dear! I wanted to find out news, so I went to I wanted to find out about the new supreme court justice elect, and it was a pornography site!!

9:33:46 AM Scott TOTD
Is this what Obama is doing with the internet? Filling it up with smut? Why I oughtta....

9:35:26 AM Scott TOTD
Is it true I can order prune juice and adult diapers on the internet? My friend from the retirement home, Zelda Menkowitz said she gets all of her things from the amazon

9:35:43 AM Scott TOTD
i told her that was ridiculous. Since when do they make diapers in the amazon!?

9:36:09 AM Scott TOTD
Are you still there Rex?

9:36:56 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
I'm still here

9:37:26 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
yes, you can now order things on the internet,so you don't to woory going to stores

9:37:36 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
what will be the main use of this system?

9:38:15 AM Scott TOTD
I want to meet a girlfriend on the internet

9:38:35 AM Scott TOTD
but it has to be a nice girl, i heard there was a man craig who has a list

9:38:58 AM Scott TOTD
and you can read this list and meet prostitutes and women with body parts only men are supposed to have

9:39:06 AM Scott TOTD
I don't want this craig on my computer

9:39:12 AM Scott TOTD
but i do want to meet women on it

9:39:39 AM Scott TOTD
I am a handsome man for a 89 year old! Steve Goldstein says I look like a young 82 year old!

9:39:58 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
I see.

9:40:57 AM Scott TOTD
so get me a computer where i can meet fine ladies, ladies that look like audrey hepburn but not katherine hepburn

9:41:03 AM Scott TOTD
I want a looker, see

9:41:22 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
got that.

9:41:22 AM Scott TOTD
Sofia Loren, now there was a lady

9:41:46 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
will you be downloading music files later on this system?

9:41:49 AM Scott TOTD
How old are you, Rex?

9:42:12 AM Scott TOTD
Can I find the music I like to listen to on the internet?

9:42:38 AM Scott TOTD
My favorite band growing up was Uncle Dick and The Hairy Gang

9:42:38 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
yes you can.

9:42:48 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
Are you going to be downloading and editing your photos?

9:42:50 AM Scott TOTD
my my they could play

9:43:24 AM Scott TOTD
I know how to look at photos, what do you mean, edit photos?

9:43:48 AM Scott TOTD
Like change history? I saw some documentary like that, back to the future, didn't care for it, these young kids, with their skateboards, running around messing up time

9:43:50 AM Scott TOTD
no, no editing

9:44:19 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
Are you doing any online banking or shopping?

9:44:36 AM Scott TOTD
can I shop in the amazon for diapers, as I mentioned before?

9:44:43 AM Scott TOTD
If I can, I guess so

9:44:49 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
yes you can.will you be using word,excel and powerpoint?

9:45:09 AM Scott TOTD
power what?

9:45:19 AM Scott TOTD
aren't I using words now?

9:45:45 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
powerpoint is for presentation, excel are for spreadsheet.

9:46:21 AM Scott TOTD
i dont need any presentations, i am 89 years old!

9:46:27 AM Scott TOTD
Can I play backgammon on this computer

9:46:58 AM Scott TOTD
My friend Liza Steinbergjewstein said that she plays backgammon online with the mud people from Brazil

9:47:01 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
yes oyu can

9:47:05 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R

9:47:05 AM Scott TOTD
I don't even know what mud people are!?

9:47:47 AM Scott TOTD
What is e-mail?

9:48:45 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
it is electronic mail, it means that you send letter to your relatiives and friend and they receive it right away

9:49:04 AM Scott TOTD
Ah yes, my friend Goldy Hymiebraun said she was talking to a Prince in Nigeria on email. And he needed help getting money out of the country.

9:49:14 AM Scott TOTD
That Nigerian man sent her a check for 1,000,000 dollars yesterday!

9:49:16 AM Scott TOTD
She is rich!

9:49:30 AM Scott TOTD
She is taking me out to dinner tonight at 4PM. We are going to red lobster!

9:49:55 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
oh that is awesome

9:50:20 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
what price rnage do you want to invest in this new computer?

9:50:35 AM Scott TOTD
Who knew that a white old jewish lady like her would be related to a Nigerian prince who was rich and needed help getting his money out of the country

9:50:39 AM Scott TOTD
Good Lord, what a miracle

9:51:08 AM Scott TOTD
Well, my son is buying it, how much do these things go for? $10? $15?

9:52:45 AM BE_PR1_Rex_R
we might go for $500-$800 for a fast system.

9:53:06 AM Scott TOTD
Oh Good Lord!

9:53:14 AM Scott TOTD
My Son doesn't have that kind of money!

9:53:22 AM Scott TOTD
I am sorry to waste your time Rex.

9:53:26 AM Scott TOTD
500 dollars!

9:53:28 AM Scott TOTD

9:53:30 AM Scott TOTD

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Cap'n Crunch

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Cap'n Crunch is not a real person. Want proof? See below:

Dear Quaker Cereals, My name is Scott and I was in the 718th Reconnaissance Squadron in Da Nang, 1974. I served with a gentleman, whom I believe today to be Cap'n Crunch. I am not sure what kind of background check you guys do before giving war veterans their own cereal, but when I saw his face on a cereal box, I just had to say something. When I knew the "Cap'n," he was nothing more than a private first class. He excelled in nothing but laziness and his carelessness almost cost my platoon its life. He spent more time toking purple haze than watching the perimeter for potential threats and no one slept easy when the "Cap'n" was on patrol. I can say with full confidence that there is no conceivable way that Cap'n Crunch is actually a Captain. At best, he may have been promoted to Sergeant, but even that is a longshot. As a veteran, I take things like this seriously, and I kindly request you do a background check on the Cap'n before you continue to market his cereal. It is an insult to the armed forces and an insult to America!!! Although I am a tempermental war veteran, I would like you to know I could be easily placated with a coupon or a Cap'n Crunch bobblehead doll. For the grandkids, you know.

And Quaker's response:
Scott: Cap'n Crunch is a "fictional" cartoon character designed by Jay Ward in the 1960's. However, we're glad your grandkids enjoy Cap'n Crunch Cereal. While we don't have bobble heads available, please click on the following link to print an electronic coupon for $1.00 off any Quaker product with our compliments: {Coupon cut for Scott's Personal use}

What can we deduce from this? Cap'n Crunch is not real. Furthermore, my recollection of my participation in the Vietnam war appears to be faulty.


Scott's Tip Of The Day: Buy Coke. No. Not cocaine. Coca-Cola. Why? Because Pepsi doesn't know what they are doing. Let me elaborate. First, their new logo looks awful. If it aint broke, don't fix it! What a waste of money. Is your marketing department so bored they can't find anything better to do than mess with your company logo?

But that's not everything. Pepsi doesn't understand a good marketing opportunity when it stares them right in the face. I emailed Pepsi last week. My email read:

Dear Pepsi,

My name is Scott. I have heard in the past you have compensated people for getting tattoos with the Pepsi logo. If I had my arm tattooed with the Pepsi logo could I be compensated too? Additionally, the cost of raising a kid has risen to astronomical rates. If I named my kid "Pepsi" would you agree to help me financially with raising my kid? This can include diapers, food and/or education expenses.

Thank you.

Pepsi responded:

Dear Scott,
Thank you for contacting us at Pepsi-Cola regarding a possible sponsorship opportunity. We sincerely appreciate your offer to help advertise our products! I am sorry that we are not able to assist you. We do not have a tattoo sponsorship program. As you might imagine, we receive thousands of sponsorship requests for local, national, and even international affiliations. While we would absolutely agree that our loyal consumers are the best spokespersons and advertisers for our beverages, our funding for such partnerships is limited and usually determined well in advance. For that reason, I regret that we’re not able to offer assistance for your sponsorship request at this time. Thanks so much for thinking of us. We wish you the best of luck in all that you do! Margaret Corsi Consumer Relations Representative

Margaret did not even address my point on naming my kid Pepsi. Why didn't you read my entire email, Margaret? Pepsi does not appreciate your patronage. BUY COKE!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Internal Monologue

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Human's have a wonderful gift. The ability to think. To sort out their problems. To contemplate things and quietly observe. An Internal monologue. No one can hear your internal monologue. (Well, no one except for Miss Cleo.) Everybody has one. But you know when it becomes an issue? When you sit at work, talking to yourself out loud. You have the ability to think quietly, there is no need to share your nonsensical thoughts with everyone. You annoy your colleagues. Other people can hear you, you know! "What?.... What?....Oh you're not talking to me....You are talking to yourself....Great....No, I wasn't doing anything important...just trying to get my work done so I don't have to stay here till 11PM....What?....Oh yeah, it's totally easy to talk on the phone when you are humming to yourself, don't worry about it." How many times a day are you going to distract me with your nonsensical banter? Do you have to hum and sing to yourself too? That isn't even a real song! You just made it up! It's awful! It's out of tune too! Stop talking to yourself! You are pissing everyone off!*

*This blog entry was in no way influenced by the gentleman in the cubicle next to me who incessantly hums and talks to himself all day.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

For The Kids

Scott's Tip Of The Day: As the oldest child in my family, I often had to figure things out for myself. I had no big brother to watch my back, and teach me the ropes of elementary school, middle school or high school. I don't want my readers to suffer the same fate. So guess what kiddies?! I have some tips just for you.


-It's a dog eat dog world. If you aren't doing the bullying, there's a good chance you're going receive the bullying first hand. Find children smaller and frailer than you and rough them up on the playground. Earn some respect!

-Somewhere around the age of 10, you will be tempted to buy a poster of the Backstreet Boys or Britney Spears or Jonas Brothers or the Naked Brothers Band or whatever crap is popular among kids your age. You may even want to save up your money and go to a concert. Don't do it! Save your money. In a few years you'll want a fake ID. If not, you'll be paying older kids a premium to get you alcohol. You'll be happy you didn't spend your money on this boy band nonsense.

-If you're a chick, don't have sex until you are prepared to deal with the consequences of your actions. What if the condom breaks? What if the girl who sold you birth control in the locker room wasn't a licensed pharmacist? What if those are altoids and not birth control pills!? You could end up with a kid! Are you ready to take care of a kid? No? Then don't have sex! Are you a boy younger than 16-years-old? Does a female peer want to have sex with you? Don't do it! If you get her pregnant you will be grounded forever. Plus you'll have a kid to take care of. Having a kid at 16-years-old is no fun, unless you are Amish. Are you Amish? Then why are you reading this blog!?? Shouldn't you be out on the horse-plow contraption your family uses? So, if you're a boy when is it ok to have sex? When your self sufficient, hot female teacher makes a pass at you. It may be illegal for her, but it's merely awesome for you. It's worth it just for the story, alone.

So kids, follow these three tips and everything's gravy.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Ugly Betty

Scott's Tip Of The Day: if you're a smart television executive, your goal is to cater to as many 18-40ish-year-olds as possible. These are the people who buy stuff and watch the most TV. Approximately half of the world's population is men, so ideally it makes sense to create a show men like to watch. For this reason, creating shows about women is a risky proposition.

Guys usually don't like to watch women on TV. When the show is centered around women, the female characters inevitably complain about menstruating and their feelings. "I don't know how I feel about So and So. Sighhhhh." Guys hate this. Unless the woman's love interest explodes in a blaze of glory, it becomes really boring, really quickly. I am sure a lot of you are thinking "What about Desperate Housewives, Sex and the City, Lipstick Jungle and Gossip Girl? I know straight guys who watch these shows." Well that's a good point. Some guys watch these shows. And not necessarily because their girlfriends make them. They watch because the chicks are hot! In Sex and the City they would even get naked. Bonus! But you know what show guys never ever want to watch? Ugly Betty! You know who you never want to see naked? Ugly Betty! You know what show I hate? Ugly Betty!

Who wants to watch a show about an ugly chick? I don't even understand why girls like to watch? To make them feel better about themselves? That's sad. Stop watching this show! Stop it! Start writing letters to ABC! Demand they replace Ugly Betty with Hot Betty. The world will be a better place.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Indie Bands

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Discovering something new can be exciting. It can be a restaurant or it could be a shortcut home. Or it could be a band. But you know when it's not exciting? When the band is talentless. You think it's pretty cool that you listen to indie music don't you? "Screw the man! I won't support big corporations!" Well, nobody else is impressed. Now that we are all adults and understand how the world works, it's not so cool anymore. "But it's art, man! You just don't understand!" I understand. When the band consists of a screeching chick (no singing), a man who bangs his Prince Albert Piercing with a metal rod, and a guy on backing vocals who makes slurping sounds, it's not cool. Just because something is indie, doesn't make them cool. And if you can't find anything cool to listen to, you should probably kill yourself because there is tons of good music out there.

Any questions for the all-knowing Scott? Email me at with your question, your first name and your location and I'll address your concerns! I can help you with anything.... from your sex life, to your in laws, or even your sex life with your in laws! Until the next time.......

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Dog Food Is Not For Human Consumption

Scott's Tip Of The Day: The economy looks like it's improving, but a lot of people are still out of work. Bankers on Wall Street were laid off and many of them are still looking for new jobs. It's tough to make ends meet. A lot of people start cutting unnecessary expenses out of their budget. But you know what you shouldn't do to save money? Substitute dog food with people food. I know. I know. It's delicious. Hell, I don't have any money problems. I have a job and I eat it! I wrote to Alpo to express my appreciation:

Dear Alpo, Ever since I lost my job on Wall Street I have been struggling to make ends meet. Recently, I have been eating Alpo instead of my normal diet and let me say, not only is it nutritious but it's delicious too. I have turned a lot of my unemployed stock broker friends onto Alpo and everyone agrees it tastes great. I just wanted to thank you for making such an excellent product and wanted to let you know I was enjoying it.

Alpo replied:

Thank you for contacting Nestlé Purina PetCare Company.

We appreciate your comments. However, this product has been designed for the nutritional needs of dogs rather than people. While we would not expect any of the ingredients to cause ill effects, we do not recommend it for human consumption.

Again, thank you for visiting our website.

So, even though dog food is delicious it is not fit for human consumption. Then again, it would probably not cause any ill effects either. The lesson here? If you eat dog food it won't kill you, but you should probably stick to eating people food.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Exotic Dancing

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Strippers do an impressive job of rationalizing their "craft." "I only strip so I can make enough money to go to school. I only strip to feed my baby...the baby I had with one of the patrons at the strip club. I don't strip, I'm an exotic dancer." Oh! Excuse me! An exotic dancer! I thought an exotic dance was the tango. Apparently exotic dancing is hanging on a pole, taking your clothes off and dancing to Pour Some Sugar On Me. How is that exotic? You come from an American blue collar working class family! The only thing exotic is that Chinese tattoo on your ass. Can't you find girls like this anywhere in America? Any fraternity house at 3AM? There's no such thing as exotic dancers. They are all just strippers!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Oprah Knows Best

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Oprah knows everything. She knows what books you should read, what food you should eat and what celebrities to idolize. Failure to follow Oprah's advice may lead to Oprah eating you whole.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Yankees Front Office

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Charging $1,250 a seat and $10 a beer is not a good way to boost your attendance or keep your loyal fans happy. Similarly, passing out magnetic schedules to the first 18,000 fans in attendance is not a good way to lure fans to a game. "Wow, they gave me a magnetic schedule! Now I can see the schedule of all the games I can't afford to attend this season. Awesome!"

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Questions, Comments, Concerns?

Do you want to ask the all-knowing Scott a question? Anything been bothering you lately? Are you trying to impress your boss at work? Are you trying to evade those aliens who keep kidnapping you and probing you? Are you concerned the aliens, who have been kidnapping and probing you, aren't really aliens at all? That perhaps they're your uncle Larry and his friends? Well then shoot Scott an email. I will answer your questions and straighten you out!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Selena Roberts

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Are you thinking about becoming an investigative journalist? Well, now it's easier than ever. In the past, journalists who wrote books or articles named the sources they used for information. Sure, not everyone was named. It took over 30 years to uncover Deep Throat's identity. But Deep Throat provided verifiable information.

Today Selena Roberts releases her book, The Many Lives of Alex Rodriguez. She includes allegations from unnamed sources that say A-Rod tipped pitches to members of opposing teams in hopes they would return the favor and tip pitches back to him, when he was at bat. Roberts also claims A-Rod has been using steroids since he was in high school.

Since Roberts doesn't deem it necessary to name sources, I am going to follow her lead. Incidentally, I talked to some unnamed sources and dug up some information on Selena Roberts.

-According to an anonymous source, Selena Roberts was artificially inseminated with sperm from a giraffe. She then secretly bore a half human-half giraffe baby in the San Diego Zoo. The freak baby's whereabouts are currently unknown, but it is suspected she sold the baby to Osama Bin Laden, who then raised the child as his own. This child is currently fighting in the war in Afghanistan

-According to an anonymous source, Selena Roberts gave a blumpkin to an unnamed New York City homeless man on several occasions between April 20th, 2009 and April 29th 2009.

-According to an anonymous source, Selena Roberts broke into the maternity ward in Mount Sinai hospital, in New York City and then picked up every baby she could find. She then dropped every baby in the maternity ward on the ground, before she exited. She left no evidence behind.

So what's the lesson here? If you can't substantiate rumors and hearsay just attribute it to an anonymous source!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Searching for Bobby Fischer

Scott's Tip Of The Day: The most disappointing part of the movie, Searching for Bobby Fischer, was that the protagonist didn't even bother looking for Bobby Fischer. He spent the whole movie playing Chess! He didn't look in the closet, or under the bed or anything. Needless to say, I found the movie extremely disappointing and kind of a let down. I wouldn't recommend renting it. You're better off just reading a book.

Fat People - Scott's Eighth Letter

Dear Oh Noble Scottimus,
Is it politically incorrect to call the new girl in my office fat? I will provide you with an example--- 'the new girl in the office is that fat ginger girl who drinks all the tea'? Thanks!



I am honored by your
display of deference. Most people don't recognize my claim to nobility. This probably stems from the fact, most people don't believe the man who knighted me, King Tomato, is a real King, much less a real person. I assure you however, that King Tomato is very real, and he will steal your face and squash your soul if you defy him or his authority over the Bearded Kingdom.

As for your question, it is generally accepted that insulting your colleague is a politically incorrect thing to do. But what is your state of mind? Are you maliciously calling your colleague fat? Is it really an insult? Or, are you calling her fat as a way of bringing to her attention the fact she is overweight, in an attempt to encourage her to drop some pounds? Maybe you are trying to do her a favor. Maybe she doesn't realize she is fat? Maybe no one ever told her that she is fat and she doesn't know what the word "fat" means. Maybe she doesn't know that being fat is taboo in our society? In a situation such as this, it is your DUTY to call her fat.

Additionally, "that fat ginger girl" appears to be drinking all of the tea in your office. Relationships with your friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances are governed by a state of informal social checks and balances. If no one checks her rude behavior, it will continue. In order to bring peace back to your office, it will be necessary to put her in her place. Is it possible your actions won't be appreciated by anyone in your office? Yes. Could it be politically incorrect? Maybe. But. does that mean you did the wrong thing? No. Sometimes it is necessary to be politically incorrect.

When Mel Gibson was pulled over for drunk driving in L.A
, he eventually had to deal with a female station sergeant. Through the course of conversation (and somewhere in between a slew of inexplicable anti-semetic remarks) Mel called the officer "sugar tits." Did the officer appreciate this? No. Was it politically correct? Maybe. Maybe not. But, maybe it needed to be said! Maybe her tits were covered in such inordinate amounts of confectionery sugar, it would have been a crime not to call attention to it? Unfortunately, Mel's dispicable anti-semetic remarks overshadowed this, and we will never know.

So M, is it politically incorrect to call a ginger fat? Maybe. But should political corectness matter? No. Sometimes other factors outweigh political correctness. In this case I think it's necessary to call that fat bitch out. First thing Monday morning you go into your office and you call that tea hoarding ginger a fat skank. Don't worry about any negative consequences. King Tomato offers you his protection.

You are welcome to write back with more questions, M. Anyone else who has a question for "Oh Noble Scottimus" please email me at I will answer any question, no matter how bizarre. Until the next time...