Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Ninja Custodians

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If a strange custodian/janitor takes a sudden interest in your personal life, you should be alarmed. I know what you are thinking. "But Scott, he will teach me karate!" No! That was the Karate Kid! That was a movie! In real life he would have kidnapped you, raped you or both. Watch out for those creepy custodians/janitors!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Holograms on Baseball Caps

Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you just bought a new baseball cap, eh? WELL STOP! Don't go any further!!! Don't cut off any of the tags on your baseball hat. Don't take any of the stickers or holograms off the brim.... and don't you DARE try arching the flat brim of the cap. Do you want the stickers to peal off? You want to look cool right? Have you been on the subway lately? Have you ever seen a rapper on TV? If you take the hologram off your hat, you might as well throw it away because it will be worthless. How will people know you spent $19.99 or more on the hat if it doesn't have a hologram on it? How will they be able to tell if you take the price tag off? They won't! If you want people to think you are legit, then leave the stickers and holograms on your baseball cap!

Friday, March 27, 2009

How To Run a Back Alley Dentistry Practice

Scott's Tip Of The Day: "Scott, I am sick of my job, I want a new career, but I am not qualified to do anything!" I hear that a lot... and it breaks my heart. Well, here is my step by step guide to becoming a back alley dentist. No diploma or schooling necessary!

STEP 1: Procure Supplies. You will need the following supplies to start your dental practice...

-One bottle of 190 proof Everclear
-Flat-headed screwdriver
-An old reclining chair
-Super glue
-Duct Tape
-White paint
-2-4 Chairs
-Two curtains w/curtain rods.
-One Toothbrush
-Empty bottles of alcohol

-Power Drill
-Art Work

STEP 2: Find a dark alley with little pedestrian traffic

STEP 3: Set up recliner in dark alley. Place two curtains on either side. This is now your examination room. The other side of one of the curtains will now be your reception area. If you could afford the artwork or plant(s), place them around your alley to give them that dentists office vibe. If you purchased magazines, place them on a table, next to a few chairs. Congrats, now you have your office set up.

STEP 4: Venture off to areas with high concentrations of homeless people. If you are unsure where to look, be sure to check subway stations, under highway overpasses, under bridges and homeless shelters. Actively recruit these people to be your patients. Homeless people don't have a lot of money but if they have a painful tooth, they might be willing to pay you ten dollars they panhandled to fix it.

STEP 5: Patients should start lining up at your office. One by one, bring them into your examining room. First, collect your ten dollar payment. If the patient can't pay, kick them out of the examination room. If they can, ask him "What seems to be the problem." In all likeliness he is not coming to you for a regular check up or teeth cleaning. If he is, just pretend to examine all of his teeth, go "hmmmm mmhmmm mhhmmmm", then brush his teeth and tell him he is fine. (You can use the same toothbrush over and over again on different patients if you wash it semi-regularly.)

If the patient comes to your office because he is in pain, ask them where it hurts. Then tell him to relax, and to ingest the anesthesia (a full glass of Everclear). At this point you must tie the patient to the reclining chair, and tape his head to the chair. Afterwords, rip out the tooth or teeth that you suspect are giving the patient pain with the pliers and/or screwdriver. If you could afford the power drill, you may use this instead. Use gauze to soak up blood. Find a rock that is approximately the same size as their tooth. Paint this rock white and superglue it to the patient's gums. Then force patient to ingest rohypnol. Do not have patient ingest rohypnol right after he drank the anesthesia. That could be very dangerous!!!

STEP 6: Place patient in wheelbarrow and wheel him to a neighboring alley. Cover him with garbage. Place an empty bottle of alcohol in patient's hand. This way if the authorities ever question you, you can deny everything and chalk up the misunderstanding to the homeless man who was drinking.

STEP 7: Repeat over and over until you become rich, you get arrested, or you are assaulted by an angry mob of homeless people.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Things Aren't Always What They Seem

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Things aren't always what they seem. Everyone assumes Bill Cosby is a cheerful guy because he starred in the popular sitcom "The Cosby Show." What people don't realize is Bill Cosby shoots people in cold blood for fun. Just look at these pictures of Bill from the 60's. The picture on the left was taken at Altamont Speedway December 6, 1969. If you think that concert was cut short because of a "stabbing" you are surely mistaken. The photo on the right is a photo I "found" on Bill Cosby's dresser, when I was taking a "tour" of his house. Remember, things aren't always what they seem.


Scott's Tip Of The Day: Kissing yourself in magazine photo shoots may draw negative attention to yourself.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Roll Over Beethoven

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Chuck Berry wrote the song "Roll Over Beethoven." Personally, if I was going to deliver a message to Beethoven, I would have written a book (or at least a note card or post it note) since Beethoven was deaf and all. I mean sure, Beethoven is dead, but that doesn't necessarily mean he can hear in the afterlife. How did you make such a bad decision, Chuck? Was it the Heroin? Oh, now I remember. You were taking advice from your cousin Marvin. So what's the moral of the story? Don't listen to your cousin Marvin and next time you should think twice before you steal someone's intellectual property rights.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Tattoos & Basketball Players

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you want to be a great basketball player then you need some tattoos.

Example 1: See this guy above? That's Eric Devendorf. He lead Syracuse to a win over Arizona State in the NCAA tournament yesterday. See his tattoos? Yeah. I know you do. He has a few on the other arm as well. Do you see that look of confidence on his face? Do you think he would be confident if he didn't have tattoos? Do you think he would be able to shoot 3 pointers or drive to the basket without tattoos? No way!

Example 2: See this guy above? He has a smile on his face. But don't confuse that smile with confidence. Why? Because when it comes to basketball he has none. "But Scott, how could that be?" Because he has no tattoos. See how short he is? Do you think he would be so short if he had tattoos? No way! He would probably be like nine feet tall. You can practice all you want but if you don't have tattoos, don't expect to be a good basketball player.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Top 10 Reasons People Like Top 10 Lists

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I've noticed that my blog gets a great deal of traffic when I post top 10 lists. Many of you are ask "Why?" Well.....


10. Well I am pretty sure people enjoy my top 10 lists because people like the crazy pictures. Like this Picture of Urkle I posted a few days ago (see above) . People love it! OK, no one really loves this picture, but I find it hilarious.

9. The American education system aint what it used to be. Most people can't count past ten. When they have an opportunity to count to ten and look smart, they embrace it.

8. Books are big and take a long time to read. Top 10 lists are long, but not as long as a book. You can read them in one sitting.... If you know how to read

7. Because most of you can't watch TV at work, and you don't plan to work at work, so what else is there to do?

6. Ten is the magic number. Many things come in tens. There were ten commandments. We have ten fingers and ten toes. The metric system is based off of multiples of ten. There were originally ten dwarfs. (In the prequel to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, three dwarfs are murdered: Horny, Tipsy and Dainty).

5. Because people are morons (see above).

4. God wanted it that way.

3. Because top 10 lists are less gross and less expensive (free, in fact) than McDonald's Fillet o' Fish.


WINNING ANSWER:_________________________________________________

1. Because I said so, dammit! (See above...Yes, that's a picture of me)

March Madness

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Unfortunately, "March Madness" is not listed as a medical condition in the Merck Manual so think twice before calling in sick at work with this excuse.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Biggest Ball of Twine

Scott's Tip Of The Day: You know where you can find the world's biggest ball of twine? Just look for the world's biggest waste of space. It's right outside his house.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Top 10 Wackiest TV Neighbors

Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you are out of a job. How can you make some extra money? Well first you have to ask yourself what you are good at. Watching TV? Well why don't you write a sitcom. You don't know anything about writing television shows? That's ok. The most important part of a sitcom is the wacky neighbor. A sitcom aint a sitcom if there is no wacky neighbor. Let me show you what I mean:


10. Quagmire from Family Guy

Quagmire will stick his penis into anything. And he is a cartoon! What could be wackier than that?

9. Mr. Furley from Three's Company
Erratic body movements, ridiculous faces.... Doesn't Don Knotts look like he could have a full-out stoke at any minute?

8. Kimmy Gibler from Full House
If Kimmy Gibler fell drowned in a kiddy pool no one would miss her. Nonetheless you can't say she's not wacky.

7. Urkel from Family Matters
He likes cheese. He's a clutz. You kind of want to stab him. Yeah...he's wacky.

6. Ned Flanders from The Simpsons
The church loving, english garbling neighbor of the Simpsons. He's kind of demented in a less obvious way. I felt bad for not including him in my top 10 best mustaches so I figured I would make up for it by throwing him on this list.

5. Marcy from Married With Children
The sole woman to make this list (Sorry Kimmy Gibler, I am calling your sexuality into question). Marcy always seems to have PMS. She has a bizarre sex life, and she voluntarily hangs out with Peg Bundy. What's wrong with her?

4. Vinny from Doogie Howser M.D.
Vinny, you stereotypical Italian bastard, why don't you learn to use the front door instead of climbing into Doogie's window all the time?

3. Cockroach from The Cosby Show
More of a friend than a neighbor. He goes by the name Cockroach though. That's amusing enough. I wanted to use Rudy's chubby white friend who lives next door but I couldn't find any pictures of him on the internet. I am surprised nobody started a fan club for that kid. I wonder where he is now....

2. Boner from Growing Pains
His name is Boner! Need I say more?

1. Kramer from Seinfeld
He's like every wacky neighbor rolled into one. He has so many idiosyncrasies I don't know where to begin. He's pretty entertaining though.

Anyway, if you follow one of these wacky neighbor models your show is bound to be a success. Just don't forget old Scott over here when you get your royalty checks from the network.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Intelligent Life On Other Planets

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Scientists have been searching for intelligent life on other planets for quite some time. They haven't found it. Scientists, I think your time would be better spent searching for intelligent life on earth. I turn on the TV and all I see are Brett Michaels, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. If there is intelligent life on other planets, then it has probably seen Flavor of Love 2, and it knows to keep its distance.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

It Aint The Motion Of The Ocean It's The Size Of The Boat

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I don't care if your girlfriend, wife or inflatable doll told you "Its not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean".... she was lying. If your ding dong is microscopic then no matter how much you move it, you aint gonna be pleasin' her. So what do you do when you are about to have sex with an inebriated acquaintance and you pull off your pants and she says "OMG, your swizzle stick is SO small?"


10. It gets bigger, I assure you.
9. Swizzle stick? You're six-years-old, where did you learn an innuendo like that?
8. Just give me a chance, I just enrolled in a Penercize class, and after a few weeks of penirpushups, it'll be bigger and stronger
7. I'm Asian, give me a break.
6. How would you know it's small? Seen a lot of them?..... Slut
5. When I finish this cycle of steroids it will probably return to normal size.
4. I'll have you know I won the Rhode Island Penis of The Year award in 1999, 2004 and 2007!
3. The doctors did the best they could after an unfortunate accident involving a Rottweiler and a jar of peanut butter.
2. Oh, that? That's not my penis...
1. It's not that my love pump is small, it's that your vuh-jay-jay is huge.

Depending on your exact situation, some of these responses might work better than others, but at least you will have a witty response and won't be caught with your pants down (pun intended).

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


Scott's Tip Of The Day: When Advertising on the internet, one should double check their advertisement to ensure it is not unintentionally offensive. (see above)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Cracker Jacks

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Ever eat cracker jacks? What did it say on the box? "Toy Surprise Inside!" Those words used to be alluring. Secret decoder rings. Parachute army men. Who knew what lay inside that box of caramel corn and nuts? But times have changed. Now it just says "Prize inside." What happened to the toy? Plastic? That's too expensive. Now you get a tiny piece of paper with a joke on it. They don't even give you a temporary (or permanent) tattoo! A piece of paper! With a joke! What kind of prize is that!? I could make a better prize with a piece of ABC gum and a paper clip.

The next time you go to the ballpark and you're thinking about Cracker Jacks, get a hot dog instead. Hell, buy two. There might not be a surprise, but if you eat too many hot dogs, then one day you'll come down with cancer from eating too many nitrates. And when you do, you'll go to the hospital to get treated. You'll be lying in bed and one of your friends will come in with a nice card and some Mylar balloons. And you know what? That's way better than a Cracker Jacks prize.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Graphic Novels

Scott's Tip Of The Day: A comic book is a comic book. It doesn't matter if the story was adopted into a motion picture. It doesn't matter if it comes in hardcover. It doesn't matter if it's bound like a book. It doesn't matter if you bought it in a bookstore. It's still a comic book. Do you think you are less of a nerd because you call it a graphic novel instead of a comic book? Own up to your nerdiness! You may think you sound more sophisticated because you read graphic novels instead of comic books, but in reality you are just a sad, sad person in denial.... and everyone knows it. Kids read books with pictures. You are an adult. Grow up.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Birth Control

Scott's Tip Of The Day: They say abstinence is the only 100% safe birth control method. But even that's not safe. What if a woman breaks into your apartment and uses your body to pleasure herself? She could hold a gun to your head and there would be nothing you could do. What's my point? If that could happen, anything could happen! So forget about condoms and dental dams and sponges and all of that (You don't have to forget about butt plugs) and just put your fate into God's hands. Because if God wants you to have an illegitimate child, there is no sense in arguing with him.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Things To Do When Scott Doesn't Post a Tip Of The Day

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I'm a crazy guy. Sometimes, I misbehave. When I "act out" my parole officer prohibits me from using the halfway house's computer. Here is a picture of Fred, my Parole Officer for your viewing pleasure:

Fred is completely unreasonable. I would have totally been able to control that fire, if he hadn't interrupted me. Anyway, these things happen. When I can't get to the computer to blog, there are other things you can do to pass the time. Here are some ways to amuse yourself, when I am out of action.

This is one of my favorite websites. Dan Walsh erases basically every character out of Garfield's daily cartoon strip except for John. John thus looks pretty crazy, sad and pathetic in every day's strip. It's bizarre. It's disturbing. I love it.

A lot of Asians have a poor command of the English language. Here is proof positive.

If I have linked to someone's blog, that means they have been pretty good to my blog. Show them some love. Visit some of their blogs too!

I apologize for the lack of blog postings this week. Things are pretty crazy at the halfway house. I am gonna come back large and in charge on Monday, so please stay tuned. Good things are coming!