Friday, February 27, 2009

Secondhand Smoke

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Every time you smoke your unborn baby is smoking too. I heard that on TV. I don't really understand how that works. I mean, I am a man, and I have no uterus. I didn't even know I had an unborn baby. What should I call it? I know. If it's a girl I will call it Sussudio, just like the Phil Collins song. Awwww Sussudio...... But anyway, I digress...

The point I am trying to make here is second hand smoke is a big problem.... because every time you smoke, someone nearby is inhaling that smoke too.... but they're smoking for free. Freeloader! I am glad TV alerted me to this problem. You know how much it costs for a pack of cigs in Manhattan? Like twelve bucks! And people are inhaling my expensive cigarette smoke for free? Not anymore you're not! Pay up! Don't let people inhale your second hand smoke for free. Charge 'em. You will save a lot of money, smoke a lot more cigarettes and succumb to lung cancer much earlier. Everyone's a winner!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

How To Become A Blogger, A Step By Step Guide

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Hey you! Yeah! You! Yes, I can see your fat ass sitting in front of the computer reading this. What are you eating? You look disgusting! Go out and get some exercise! No? Well, if you are going to sit at the computer all day you should at least be productive. And what better way to be productive than to blog? Yeah, I know. Blogging isn't that productive. But it's more productive than reading Wikipedia articles about Han Solo. "But Scott, how can I blog!?" Well, to blog you must become a blogger.... And how do you become a blogger?


STEP 1- All bloggers wear parachute pants and all bloggers know how to break dance. If you aren't willing to invest the time and money into becoming a world-class break dancer, then you might as well stop reading now. So Step 1- Buy parachute pants and become good at breakdancing.

STEP 2 - Look on the upper right hand corner of my blog. See that PAYPAL donate to Scott's Tip Of The Day button? Click it. Send me some money. If you want to become a blogger you have to pay protection... to me. Otherwise there is no telling what could happen to your blog. Maybe I won't visit it. Are you prepared for that? Can you withstand such emotional turmoil? I didn't think so. Donate!

STEP 3- Adopt a poor baby from Africa, Asia or South America. Before you can take care of something as dynamic as a blog, you should be at least able to take care of a malnourished child. Once you raise that child to be 10-years-old, you are almost there.

STEP 4- After Acquiring parachute pants, learning to break dance, donating money to me, adopting a baby and raising it to be a healthy and successful 10-year-old, you are ready to blog. Google blog. Find a site you like, set up an account and write some stuff down. It will probably be boring drivel, but you didn't expect to be as awesome as me, did you? Maybe you should have spent ten years learning to write instead of adopting and raising a slum child orphan? Anyway, after you are done writing, post your first blog entry. Congratulations. You are Now A Blogger!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Wild Animals

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you want to impress your friends, I suggest you acquire a wild animal and let it loose in your house. Something like a bear, gorilla or tiger or monkey. Yeah, there is a good chance that animal is going to bite your neighbor's face off. It might bite her fingers off too. But if your neighbor can still speak after she wakes up from her coma, she will probably compliment you on your wild animal pet. "But Scott, this happened to me! I didn't get any compliments!" Well, it might have just sounded like mumbling and groaning. That's a combination of pain killers, and your neighbor's lack of lips/face.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Fortune Cookies

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Unfortunately, the highlight of a Chinese dinner has become the fortune cookie at the end. "What is my fortune? What does my fortune say?" Who cares!!?? You know who wrote your fortune? An Asian man with a poor command of the English language. And that's if you're lucky. That man might not be Asian at all! He could be an American with a poor command of the English language! How Unfortunate! How Unauthentic! Do you think if the man writing your fortunes was really clairvoyant, he would be writing fortune cookies? No! He would have a $4.99/minute telephone line like Miss Cleo did. Do you remember Miss Cleo? She was sued! But she settled out of court for only a portion of the 13 million + she made with that scam. Not a bad deal. Don't take your fortune cookie too seriously. Instead, just enjoy your meal and savor that strange wonky feeling after consuming too much MSG.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Three Most Undesirable Places To Live In America

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Every year Americans vote for the most desirable places to live in America. What cities end up on this list? New York, San Francisco, Chicago... for the most part places you would expect. That's great. But where should you never move under any circumstance? That's the million dollar question.... and that's why I compiled a list of the top three most undesirable places to live in America.

THREE: Salt Lake City

I have no problem with polygamy but when you water down my beer, then we have a problem. Not only does Salt Lake City stringently limit the alcohol content of beer served in bars, but if you want stronger alcohol you need to join a private club! What kind of hell on earth is this place!? Jesus turned water into wine. Jesus knew how to get his drink on!!! Why don't you honor his memory!

TWO: Staten Island

Don't be fooled by it's proximity to Manhattan. Why? Well, for one you can't drive from Staten Island to Manhattan, you have to take a ferry. It's cold, it doesn't run all night and its inconvenient. Staten Island contains one of the biggest garbage dumps in America. Everybody talks with awful newww yawwkkk accents. Wwhhhaatt? You gawwttaahhh walkkk yooouahhh dawgggg in the pawwwkkk? Do you actually speak like that? What? Why else shouldn't you move there? Because deep down inside every Staten Islander hopes to one day make it big and move out to New Jersey. YES! New Jersey! Most people are trying to move out of New Jersey, but Staten Islanders are trying to move in.* Staten Islanders ruin Atlantic City by polluting its clubs, and blackjack tables with cigarette smoke and hair spray. They also ruin the Jersey Shore. Staten Islanders ruin everything they touch, including Staten Island itself.

ONE: The Mississipi Delta

What do you get when you line up twenty people from the Mississipi Delta in a row? A full set of teeth! The Delta is arguably the scariest place in America. Are you Jewish? They have never seen your kind before. They may try killing you for your horns, which are presumably made of ivory. Are you from a Blue State? Well your taillight is out! What? It wasn't before? Well now it is! Do you go to church in a 20,000 seat arena where people speak tongues? Then there is probably no house of worship for you. On the bright side twenty dollars can prob buy you a pretty sweet shack and your welfare check should cover your barely wine expenses.

*Did you ever realize how you don't have to pay tolls to enter New Jersey but you have to pay tolls to leave the state? Do you think if it was a desirable place to live, that would be the case? New Jersey is trying to trap all passer-byers within its borders

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The 10 Greatest Mustaches of All Time

Scott's Tip Of The Day: "Everyone is growing beards, Scott, what can I do to differentiate myself from all of these trendy beard people?" Grow a mustache! "What kind of mustache should I grow?" I am glad you asked me that, creepy voice in my head. I would say there isn't much room to tread new ground in the world of mustaches. Better to follow the example of one of the greats.



Frida has some nice peach fuzz going on. So nice that I would say she exemplifies the "illegal restaurant dishwasher mustache." In addition to illegal immigrant restaurant workers, you will often see this kind of Mustache on a 13-year-old boy. That's why I would recommend this mustache to kids. It's a good first mustache. It kinda says "Hey, I'm not quite old enough to shave, but I'm old enough to look like a woman who doesn't think it's necessary to wax her upper lip." That's cool. With all of the illegal immigrants running around in America it's going to become real big, real quick. Jump on this bandwagon while it's still cool to do so.

9. SUPER MARIO magnificant Italian bastard! How do you manage to keep your mustache trimmed so clean and neat when you spend all of your time hopping down pipes, popping mushrooms and jumping on monsters? Well, when you figure it out, please let us all know. We'll be waiting for your answer.


So, you want attention? You don't care if it's positive attention or pity? Then grow your mustache like Gene Shalit and millions of people will pity you. No one likes Gene Shalit. Nobody. But everyone feels a little bad for him. This could be you!


What's going on with your mustache, Sal? Did you attach flowers to the end? You realize that's not normal right? Well, if you want to become a french waiter, or you have hard-to-get-to areas that only a long scary mustache can reach (maybe the barrel of a gun) this mustache is for you. "Scott, this mustache is just as crazy as Gene's... I don't want to be pitied." Don't worry. You won't be pitied. Everyone loves Salvador Dali....and everyone hates Gene Shalit.


Want a mustache that screams genocide, but you have Jewish friends? Still too soon to go with the hitler mustache? Never fear! There's another tyranical leader you can emulate.... STALIN! Stalin is strong! Stalin has a manly strong mustache! Got to give props to Stalin on this one.


Can't grow a mustache? Not even some peach fuzz? Well paint it on! That's what Groucho did.


Sure, Wooly Willy isn't real. But what Wooly Willy has is infinite untapped potential. Inside Wooly Willy is the finest mustache you've never seen, just waiting to come out. In these tough times, Wooly Willy's mustache potential brings hope to all of America.


Hello? Is anyone on the phone? What? There is no cord on my phone? No wonder I can't hear you! Tom Selleck has the finest 80's mustache in existance. Even Don Mattingly was like "S**t dude, that's a nice mustache!" If you drive a Delorean, this mustache's for you.


I don't care that you aren't real. I don't care that you never learned to block when you box. You set an example for the disenfranchised african american youth of today. Kids in the ghetto see you and they think, maybe if I grow a mustache, I can be somebody. And isn't that what America's all about?


The English language just doesn't have words to describe the beauty and majesty of Freddy Mercury's mustache. Just soak it in and enjoy it.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you have never babysat before, it can be pretty difficult. The diapers, the crying, the poor pay..... But the most important thing to remember is if you are watching TV, and the characters in the program you are watching start taking off their clothes, you should probably change the channel because it is inappropriate for children. Yes, even if you are watching a cartoon, it's still inappropriate.

Friday, February 13, 2009


Scott's Tip Of The Day: This tip goes out to all of you high school kids. A lot of you are trying to decide what to be when you grow up. Should I join the army? Can I make a living as an artist? What kind of job can I get that's secure in this troubled economy? Well, these are all good questions. My advice to you is to become a weatherman.

-Recession, Depression..... it doesn't matter, the news is still going to be on TV. Where there is broadcast news, there is a weatherman
-You get to call yourself a meteorologist. It sounds cooler than weatherman and makes good conversation when you are scamming ladies at the bars and clubs.
-You can consistently perform poorly at your job and not be fired. In fact, it's expected. Who actually expects it to snow 12 inches when the weatherman says it will? "Today is going to be partly cloudy with a chance of showers." What? Partly cloudy? What does that mean? Maybe there will be some clouds? There are going to be some clouds in some areas? The clouds will be there but they won't be too big? A chance of rain? What does that mean? Maybe it will rain? Why can't you just tell me if it is going to rain or not? "The temperature is going to be 20 degrees but with the windchill it is going to feel like 10." Ok, great. What the hell do I care what the actual temperature is if I can't feel the actual temperature. You're overcomplicating my life, man. Basically they're just saying "Look dude, I have no f**king idea what's going on, Broseph. Maybe some stuff will fall out of the sky? Who knows? I've been wrong before. Maybe you should bring an umbrella and a jacket?" Why wouldn't you want a job where you can get away with this?
-You get to be on TV.
-If you are bald, you will have to buy a wig or hair piece. The good news is since you need it for work, you can probably write it off as a tax deduction.

Become a weatherman. Sure, you might have to work in Lincoln, Nebraska, but at least you'll be working.

Thursday, February 12, 2009


Scott's Tip Of The Day: A wise man once said "Shit rolls downhill." I say if your shit is rolling downhill then you should probably have your septic tank examined.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Old People

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you can't afford to put your elderly relative in a home (where they can receive full time attention and care), just drop them off at daycare for toddlers. Obviously a full-time home is a better option, since daycare really will only watch after your elderly relative during working hours, but it is better than nothing.

"But what they won't accept my elderly relative into daycare? Daycare is for little kids!"
Good question.

You actually don't have to worry about much. Your elderly relative probably already wears a diaper. They are probably shrinking too. People have been known to lose an inch or two when they get older. Elderly people tend to hunch a little, so this also makes them look smaller. Your elderly relative probably speaks a lot of gibberish, not unlike a 3-year-old. All you have to do is put some dye in the elderly relative's hair, give them a lunchbox, and dress them in t-shirts featuring Dora The Explorer, Bob The Builder or Spongebob Squarepants. They will fit right in.
Congratulations! You just saved thousands of dollars!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Animal Cruelty

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Kicking your dog is considered animal cruelty. You can go to jail for that. Dressing your dog in Juicy Couture clothes is equally cruel. Just because you aren't breaking a law, doesn't mean it's permissible behavior. Sure, kicking your dog can leave lasting physical side effects, but dressing your dog up like teenage skank can leave mental scars that even a dog shrink can't sort out. Stop dressing up your dogs. It's cruel to the dog who has to wear that ridiculous outfit. It's also cruel to me who has to pass the dog on the street.

Handcuff Attache Case Man

Scott's Tip Of The Day: This tip of the day goes out to Barack Obama. Being President aint easy, is it? You thought it was going to be one big party....cigars, felatio, you know, the whole nine yards. Well, as you now see it's pretty tough. You have a lot of problems to deal with....and I can help. Sure I might not know much about the economy, international relations, Congress, vetos, torture, oil or anti-semetic reverends, but what I do know a lot about is your Handcuff Attache Case Man.

I read a lot of spy novels. Robert Ludlum, Frederick Forsyth, David Morrell. I have seen every episode of 24 on TV. I watch a lot of Tom Clancy films (his novels are usually long and boring). What have I learned? In a time of crisis, the President always has a man close by with nuclear launch codes. This man wears a dark suit and carries the codes in an attache case handcuffed to his arm. He's ready to open this briefcase at a moment's notice. So what's the problem?

In a time where leaks in the CIA and FBI are not unheard of, don't you think it would be a better idea for Handcuff Attache Case Man to keep a lower profile? Don't you think he's making himself a target? Maybe the handcuff is a little much? If someone really wanted those codes, he could chop that dude's hand off. Maybe Handcuff Attache Case Man can just keep the codes in a portfolio? or a messenger bag? Maybe he can keep the attache case and lose the handcuffs? No? You don't like that idea?

Mr. President, can't you just hold onto these codes? You have pockets, right? Maybe keep them in your wife's purse? Do you really need a prickly white dude standing around all the time, bringin your mojo down? What? You work with Joe Biden? Ok, well let me rephrase that. Do you really need another prickly white dude hangin around all the time? Don't you want to have a cool entourage? Like Vinny Chase? Maybe include a fat guy called Turtle or something instead?

Basically, the handcuffs are a bit dramatic. They hurt Handcuff Attache Case Man's wrist. Give the poor dude a break!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Sarah Palin Bloggers

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I was never one to badmouth Sarah Palin. Not because her religious views didn't scare me. Not because I didn't think she was simple and unintelligent. But because I always thought she kind of had a naughty school teacher thing going on and I liked that. Well, Sarah Palin, you have finally gone too far. What's this?

Are you blaming the results of the 2008 Presidential Election on anonymous bloggers? It's all us bloggers' fault. It had nothing to do with the Bush administration or its policies... or your wacked out belief system... or your running mate who is older than time itself. Nope. It was all us bloggers. Well, Sarah Palin, if I have to shoulder the blame for this, I am going to spread some falsehoods about you so at least I will deserve your criticism. I hope this comes back to haunt you in 2012.....

-Sarah Palin spent 1977-1979 locked in her room trying to construct a light saber with a quartz crystal she purchased in a local museum. She was unsuccessful.
-Sarah Palin feeds her children like a mama bird. She chews food, regurgutates it, and spits it into their mouths
-Sarah Palin coined the term "Kind Bud"
-Sarah Palin has starred in fourteen adult films
-Sarah Palin broke into the Anchorage Hospital Maternity Ward in September, 1989, and injected all of the newborn babies with AIDS
-Sarah Palin was arrested for sexually assaulting Richard Simmons with a cucumber in 1986
-Sarah Palin traded her first born child in 1981 for a copy of E.T. on Betamax. She accidentally recorded an episode of Dallas over it four years later.
-Sarah Palin and her husband have flown all over the world to attend deviant "furry" conventions
-Sarah Palin's favorite live act is The Wiggles
-Sarah Palin was born with a tail
-Sarah Palin only likes Jews because "Jews" sounds like "Juice" and Palin likes "Juice".
-Sarah Palin had an extramarital affair with Andy Dick
-After Sarah Palin contracted Hepatitis A, she decided to contract Hepatitis B and C because she wanted to collect em' all
-Sarah Palin never makes any important decisions without consulting her trusty secret decoder ring she found in a Cap'n Crunch Box in 1985.
-Sarah Palin formerly invited the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man to the Alaskan Governor's mansion after she watched Ghostbusters for the first time on DVD. Since then, she has been in an unconsolable depression for three years, largely due to the fact he never responded.
-Like myself, Sarah Palin cannot tell the difference between Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes.

So in conclusion, the tip of the day is to take responsibility for your own actions and not to blame your shortcomings on the blogosphere.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Homeless People

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Homeless people. Can't live with them, can't live....with.....them. Who's that smelly man sitting outside your office building? My dad? No, the guy next to my dad! Yeah! A homeless man! "Grumble, grumble give me money!" I'm sick of hearing about it!

In Europe you see homeless people/beggars kneeling on the street. They don't look you in the eye because they're ashamed to be begging for money. They ask you politely "Please sir, may I have some more porridge please." Well, maybe they ask for money instead of porridge, but you know what I mean. In America, homeless people have some serious cojones. They yell "Gimme some money! I'm hungry, gimme some money!" Sometimes I am tempted to go over to them and ask "How much money do you have? Nothing? I have over $130,000 in law school loans. So lets add this have zero dollars..... I have negative 130,000 dollars. How about you put some money in my cup?"

So where am I going with this? Well, if you are homeless and begging for money on the street, here are some things you can do to convince me to throw some coinage your way:
-Tell me a joke
-Perform a magic trick (Note: Taking off your pants and showing me your ding dong may be a trick but it is definitely not considered to be magic)
-Tell me a bizarre engaging story. It doesn't have to be real. It can involve time travel or aliens. Just give me a reason to sympathise with you
-Take a shower. No, not in front of me, but before you ask me for money. If you smell like a freshman college dorm bathroom on a sunday morning, I am going to run away from you as fast as possible

Now, I realize there aren't too many homeless people with laptops, who read my blog and are not mentally derranged. But, if I changed just one of your lives, this blog post will have been worth it.


Scott's Tip Of The Day: There is nothing cuter than a baby. What could be better than having your own little bundle of joy? How about injecting yourself with absurd amounts of fertility drugs and having eight bundles of joy!??? In five minutes?? Not safe?? Who cares!!! Eight isn't enough? Well, what if you had six babies already!? That's fourteen babies!!! What a good idea!!!

Sending your child to college is expensive. A child born today is probably going to have to pay more than $200,000 for an education from a four-year accredited school. (A cheaper alternative is buying a PhD online for $500. Hey look at me, I have a diploma! Now you have to call me doctor!)

Quick! What's $200,000 multiplied times 14? Lets see here....ummm...carry the one......subtract the's 2.8 Million dollars! I hope you saved your pennies lady. Will you be able to remember all of your kids' names? How are you going to afford diapers? You're going to leech off the system? You live in California!! What system? There is no money left to give you! They already spent it on unsuccessfully prosecuting Michael Jackson and distributing drivers licenses to illegal immigrants.

What are you going to do about your broken vagina? Oh, it doesn't matter! Who needs that thing anyway? You have 14 babies! Who cares!? (I know she had a C-section but she already has six kids so it is safe to assume it is broken).

If you only take away one thing from this blog entry, please remember that one baby is not enough. Neither is two, four.....or ten. Any sensible person needs 14 babies. Go big or go home.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Role Model

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Not just anyone can be a role model. It takes a special type of person. "Scott, how can I be a role model?" Good question.

First - Learn to swim freakishly fast.
Second - Exhibit your swimming on a world stage. Preferably the Olympics. Win some Gold Medals.
Third - Go to strip clubs. Touch women inappropriately. Play high stakes poker in Las Vegas with the best poker players in the world. Go to college parties. Obtain marijuana. Put marijuana in giant bong in full view of camera. Smoke marijuana.
Fourth - Apologize for getting caught....Scratch that....Apologize for smoking marijuana. Ask for forgiveness.

"Scott, I can't swim, are there any other ways to become a role model?"

First - Get really good at professional basketball. Play for a long time. Be rude to kids who ask for your autograph at your games. Tell them you have agreements with certain companies and cannot sign cards that are not published by these companies.
Second - Periodically argue that you are not a role model and shouldn't be considered a role model, merely because you are a professional athlete.
Third - Retire from basketball. Become sports analyst. Contemplate running for political office at some point in the future.
Fourth - Incur massive gambling debts at casinos trying to recreate adrenaline rush you used to feel playing basketball.
Fifth - Drink enough alcohol to put your BAL over the legal limit. Drive recklessly fast in your car. Get pulled over by police. When approached by officer, explain that you were on your way to get oral sex from a woman who has previously given you the best oral sex of your life.

These are just a few ways to become a role model. There's more than one way to skin a cat. But, I think I gave you some good examples to work with. Good luck on your quest to become a role model!

Monday, February 2, 2009


Scott's Tip Of The Day: So, you made a few extra bucks by perpetrating a giant ponzi scheme? You scammed some hard working Americans out of their money? Times were good.... for awhile. Then this economic downturn came out of nowhere and blew your plan to bits. Now you are heading to prison. Even your millions of dollars can't buy your way out of this one. That's too bad. I can't say I am sorry. But, I am still a good guy and I will give you some tips on how to survive your stay in the big house. If you want to show your appreciation you can give me the account number and password to one of your unmarked bank accounts in Luxembourg. Anyway...


If other prisoners sense you are weak, they will make you their bitch. I try to keep this blog safe for work, so I won't get into the gory details, but YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE SOMEBODY'S BITCH!!!!! I cannot stress that enough. So how do you avoid this? Show everyone you are tough. During your first day in prison, go up to the largest, scariest man you see and s*** your pants, punch him in the face and bite his arm. Yeah, I know. That sounds crazy. But that's exactly what you want. Nobody is going to mess with the crazy guy who isn't afraid to attack the biggest guy in prison. Especially if they know you periodically poop yourself. At the very least, nobody wants a bitch that poops himself.

The best investment you can make in prison is Soap On a Rope. It seems simple right? Well, it is simple. When you are showering in prison you never drop the soap. Never. Ever.

According to Wikipedia, "A shiv is a slang term for a sharp or pointed implement used as an improvised knife-like weapon . The shiv is the favored weapon of inmates in prisons across the world. It is infamous for its versatility - a shiv can be anything from a glass shard with cloth wrapped around one end to form a handle, to a razorblade stuck in the end of a toothbrush, to a sharpened spoon." If I learned anything from watching Oz on HBO, wear something under your shirt to prevent you from taking a deep stabbing. If you can get one of your old Wall Street buddies to sneak a kevlar vest into prison for you, it might not be a bad idea to wear it.

The best way to protect yourself is to join a gang. After you poop yourself (step 1), it might be awhile until people are ready to talk to you again. After a few weeks, approach a gang you think you gel with. "What gang do I gel with?" Good question. Do you celebrate Ramadan? You probably want to join the Muslim Brotherhood. Do you hate minorities? Sounds like you are an Arian. Are you a nerdy Jewish man with a background in accounting? Well then you should join the Jewish Accountant gang.
I got your hopes up didn't I? Yeah, I know. There is no nerdy Jewish accountant gang. Yeah. You are pretty much screwed. You should probably just keep pooping your pants.

If you follow these four steps you should be able to survive a maximum security prison. I wish you all the best of luck.