Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Only a fool would pass up a internet contest where you have to write six sentences and the reward is $50! YES! $50! That's why I entered "The Mysterious Dr. Ramsey Contest" Write six sentences about the mysterious Dr. Ramsey? Ok. Easy.
Dr. Ramsey summoned all of her strength, took a deep breath and lifted the manhole cover from its resting place.
As she pulled herself out of the bowels of the city, the world went dark and she collapsed on the street.
Sometime later, Dr. Ramsey opened her eyes and she saw a man standing attentively over her.
"I'm Doctor Nickalabopolous, Dr. Ramsey, and it appears you have suffered a major trauma.
What were you doing in the sewer?"
"I was raped by a teenage mutant ninja turtle....and now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna get me some revenge."
I'll let you know if I win.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Facebook is initiating a beta tester program to test new facebook features. In order to qualify, you have to fill out this application. Basically you have to come up with three original questions and then answer them. You are judged on your questions and answers.
I recently submitted my application. Here are the questions and answers
QUESTION 1: Why does my stepfather hate me?
The seething hatred my stepfather directs toward me can be attributed to a variety of factors. First, he is sterile and unable to produce children from his own seed. This has caused him great emotional pain, which he then takes out on me, his unnatural son. Second, he always wanted a son that would grow up and play college ball for Alabama. I was a very talented high school football player. I once set a record and scored four touchdowns in one game for Polk High. I was awarded scholarships everywhere, even Alabama. My stepfather was so close to his dream....so close, yet so far. I was mad at him for forgetting to put the milk away the night before. The milk spoiled and I had nothing to eat for breakfast. What was I going to do, eat Cheerios without milk? As if! To avenge my breakfast, I decided to skip college all together and work in beauty salon in San Fransisco. Did I mention my stepfather was homophobic? Yeah, he wasn't too happy about that. In retrospect throwing my future down the drain over some spoiled milk was probably a reckless decision, but that is neither here nor there. My stepfather hates me. Are you happy now?
QUESTION 2: How does my stepfather handle stress?
My stepfather handles stress in what I imagine to be a normal and healthy fashion....relentlessly barraging my body with a ball-peen hammer while I'm sleeping. He has also adopted other 'modern' stress relief techniques, such as kicking the dog, drinking isopropyl alcohol, punching the neighbor's horse, crying for hours on end, swallowing small pieces of plastic toys that are only designed for children three-years-old and up, purchasing baby Tylenol, tampering with the bottle and returning it, blaming the Jews, watching deviant pornography VHS tapes from the late 70's/early 80's, dressing in women's clothing and screaming at Nana on the phone.
QUESTION 3: How retarded would you have to be not to accept this application?
Really, really retarded. You get a shitton of applications. I get that. Nerdo dweebos from all over the world are writing to you in various languages, begging you to be a beta tester. POR FAVOR! S'IL VOUS PLAIT! CLICK CLICK POP POP CLICK CLICK! It can be a bit overwhelming, I know. What you have to ask yourself is do you want Goof McGeekenstein writing up reviews of your beta products or some 20-something dude with a sense of humor (me). Me, obviously! Don't you deal with enough nerds at facebook? Wouldn't you like to talk to someone who goes outside once in awhile? Someone who has been on a boat? Someone who brushes their teeth and works in a normal office, without beanbag chairs and water gun fights? You do. Oh, yes you do! You know it and I know it. So get it done.
I'll let you know if I receive any sort of response on this.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Sometimes there are people in the world who will stop at nothing to bring you down. What? Paranoid delusions? No. These aren't delusions. These are straight from the mouth of a crazy homeless man on the 6 train in NYC. My friend Ryan recorded this on his iPhone. You can listen to the audio here:
For your convenience I transcribed the monologue as well. Ryan captured about half of this gentleman's diatribe but I think you will be able to pick up midway through this conversation without missing anything important....
Because I didn’t do nothing.
And on June 24th it will be proven that I did not do anything.
I not lookin' and I didn’t say nobody did nothing to me.
That’s why I can walk the trains. Because I know nobody did nothing to me.
But there are those who supersede y’all that is trying to frame me and I have to fight.
I’m embarrassed to do this. I’m embarrassed. I’m embarrassed.
I’m not here like this is a joke.
I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed.
And right now. I’m going to a shelter.
You know my baby mama told me this morning?
She said that I’ve been coming there to the crib tryin' to break in. Not she said it. She said that the neighbors told her that I been coming over there trying to break in the crib and I’ve been in a homeless shelter the last two weeks.
Now you see what I’m dealing with?
Now you see the things I have to go to on a day to day basis?
Someone is trying to create fear. And I haven’t been up to the Bronx until today.
But they’re tellin-- But she tells me on the phone that someone’s been trying to break into the apartment... they got you on camera.
I said they aint got me on camera. Because I got witnesses on where I was the last two weeks.
Now do you see the illusion and the things that they are doing? Now this is why I tell all the sisters – be patient because this shit is going to get straightened out and y’all gonna know for sure.
Be patient to the women. You gonna know.
But I have no choice but to fight the way that I’m fighting.
I have no choice because I’m fighting in the blind.
And she’s telling me that I’ve been up there in the Bronx, and I’m in a homeless shelter struggling to keep my sanity and stay focused.
Every day I gotta ride the train or wherever I go knowing that someone is potentially gonna say he did it. And I’m saying to myself here I go. Everywhere I go I gotta make sure that I’m followed or keep my transfer in my bus or make sure that the security cameras see me. Because there are those who will stop at nothing to set me up. And you want me to tell you how I know this? Because I’ve been going through this for five years.
And so now I just told you a real story that just happened a few hours ago.
My son hasn’t been in school. You know why? Because my baby mama is under the impression that I’ve been stalkin’ for two weeks and I’m in the homeless shelter.
So whoever been doing these things is creating fear. Creating dissension. And I’ve gotta fight to maintain what I know. So believe me, I am embarrassed to be on this train telling you these things.
I’m embarrassed but I have no choice.
Someone gotta listen. I don’t want your sympathy nor your empathy. Just understand what I’m going through.
And wait, You gonna find out the truth. And when you find out the truth, you’ll just know. That that’s a true story there.
I just went to the Bronx this morning – true story—I just come back from Brooklyn, getting this and my own mother got an order of protection against me. And all her life she took care of me, gave me birth, I just come home from prison, she make sure I don’t need nothing, and yet I come back I get two and half years. I I’m a piece of garbage? What did I do? Don’t you understand what I’m dealing with?
Because there are those who are putting pressure and been lying to the masses about things I did not do or are responsible for. My name is Gregory Lefford. Sorry for interrupting you. Sorry for taking up your time. I don’t look for no sympathy or no pity but on June 24th I will be vindicated of anything that you may believe about me. Have a pleasant day and thank you for your time and sister once again, I apologize if you looked at it as a connection, because it wasn’t meant that way. Have a nice day you know what I’m talking about.
So sometimes people come after you for no reason and will stop at nothing until your life is in shambles. I just hope for Gregory's sake that these people don't work at the courthouse.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Scott's Tip Of The Day: A 16-year-old girl sailing across the ocean is in trouble. This is awful. You might have read a previous post about another girl rowing across the Atlantic ocean for charity. She was successful and I congratulate her, but was it really worth the risk? This isn't 1860. No one is immigrating to America here. These people obviously have enough money to fly coach on a decent airline. Maybe a cruise ship?
If you're considering rowing or sailing across the ocean solo shoot me an email at email@example.com. I'll talk you out of it.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Scott's Tip Of The Day: : From time to time I get feedback from my readers. I like feedback. I like questions. Email me anytime (firstname.lastname@example.org) I received the following email today:
I sort of have this embarrassing problem. I'm moving in with my boyfriend in a few months. We've been dating for a little over four and a half years, and all through college, he'd sporadically stay in my apartment on the weekends.
So, my problem is, I get a little handsy at night. Apparently, I like to, um, play with his dangle in my sleep. Which for him, isn't really a problem, except for the fact he wakes up all woody and his girlfriend is asleep. I don't think he minds, except for the sleeping girlfriend part. I've told him to just move my hand, but I guess I'm worse than a drunk frat boy on a bad date, just can't seem to ignore a no! He doesn't mind, but I feel bad. Any suggestions for keeping my hands to myself and preventing a blue balled fiancee?
You're a guy, and probably a ladies' man, so I'm sure you can hook me up.
All the best,
Two words: Oven mitts.