Monday, December 22, 2008

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you were born in the early 1980's, like myself, you probably watched a lot of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT). TMNT was a great cartoon, but it propagated many myths which are still being dispelled to this day. This post is an attempt to undo any damage TMNT might have done to you during your formative years.

MYTH 1 - Pouring Nuclear Waste On Yourself Will Mutate You Into An Indestructible Karate Warrior

Unfortunately, pouring nuclear waste on yourself does not give you special powers. You may end up looking like Sloth from Goonies, but without the retard strength (bummer). Pouring nuclear waste on yourself does not turn you into a giant turtle, rat, pig or rhinoceros. It is, however, a great way to contract cancer.

MYTH 2 - Turtles Like Pizza

Feeding your pet turtle pizza will kill it. Turtle digestive systems were not designed to handle pizza. No amount of nuclear waste you pour on your turtle will change this. Lord knows I've tried. Feed your turtle salad or apple sauce. I think they like bugs too.

MYTH 3 - Hanging Out In The Sewer Is Cool.

Hanging out in the sewer is even worse than sitting through a Jimmy Fallon sketch on Saturday Night Live. The sewer smells like doo doo. It's dark and unheated. There are a lot of roaches, rats and diseases down there. If you are looking for a cool place to hang out ask your daddy to build you a tree house or something. If you don't have a daddy just find a neighbor with a tree house and take it by force. I am pretty sure that's legal.

MYTH 4 - If You Befriend A Strange Mutant He Will Teach You Karate

If a giant man who looks like a rat offers to be your friend and teach you karate, take a step back and think for a minute. Does he look familiar? Why does he look familiar? You saw him on NBC Dateline's To Catch A Predator, didn't you? Yeah you did. He was the guy with the wine coolers. Remember kids. Karate will often make you sore. But if it makes your butt sore that's the wrong kind of sore.

MYTH 5 - Hot Newscasters Enjoy Hanging Out With Mutants

April was pretty hot. She seemed pretty personable too. As far as cartoons I would date she is only second on the list to Jessica Rabbit. So what was she doing hanging out with 4 mutant turtles and a mutant rat? Was her self esteem flawed? Probably, but she still wouldn't hang out with a bunch of mutants. No one is that friendly. Especially a reporter. Beware of attractive newscasters who take a sudden interest in you. Also, it's generally a good idea to watch out for girls named after months of the year. They tend to be strippers.


Unknown said...

You are a true talent mr. scollypants.

Anonymous said...

When I was a kid, TMNT ruled. I had practically every piece of TMNT merchandise out there, including bedsheets, skateboards and alarm clocks.

Then in 1989, Konami went and acquired the rights to a TMNT game for the NES. And my god, it sucked so hard, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Mind you, the multi-player arcade game was awesome.