Judge A Book By It's Cover

Scott's Tip Of The Day: They say don't judge a book by it's cover. But if the book cover has five naked, crying, bleeding men on it, then forget what they've told you. It's OK to judge the book before reading it.

Barbie Doll Tragedy

Scott's Tip Of The Day: When buying a Barbie Doll, be sure to understand what you buy. I purchased a seemingly normal Barbie Doll as a gift, only to find out this particular Barbie had no nipples or vuh-jay-jay. You would think they would have labeled this Barbie "Muslim Extremist Mutilation Barbie," right? Or at the very least included a burqa or a severed infidel's head. Incidentally, Ken seems to have had quite an accident as well. What happened to his weiner?!!! Look how big his smile is! How could you be smiling at a time like this, Ken?! Your weiner is missing! I double checked the box to see if it fell off, but alas, Ken's weiner was nowhere to be found. Anyway, some sick f**k at Matel is chopping off Barbie's nips, ruining her vuh-jay-jay and slicing off Ken's weiner. I suggest you buy your kid (or yourself, if you are a creepo) a transformer instead.

Imaginary Friends

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you're serving a life sentence in prison for murdering your imaginary friend, then he probably wasn't imaginary after all.

Urinal Cakes

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Urinal cakes are delicious treats. You would be crazy not to try one.

Scott's Guide To Adoption

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Adopting babies. It's the latest craze. But not just any ordinary baby. American babies? No way! What if they aren't American but they are still white? Still no good. Look at Madonna. Look at Angelina. Who did they adopt? Yup, Exotic babies. Exotic babies are all the rage. Do you need a new accessory? Bracelets and earrings don't cut it anymore? People probably aren't impressed with that chihuahua you drag around all over the place. That is so last year. This year is all about babies. You're no one without an exotic baby. "But Scott, what kind of baby should I get?" Well, that's easy. Africa has been totally overdone. Same with Asia. What else is there? Eskimo babies!

Eskimo babies are born in an igloo so they are used to the cold. You really don't have to worry about heating their bedroom. Since energy is expensive, this will save you some cash. Do you like to eat fish? Eskimo's are excellent fishermen. You won't have to go to the fish market anymore. You will always have a fresh catch of the day. Eskimo's also hunt big animals like polar bears. Do you want a fur coat? Just ask little Eskimo baby to hunt you a bear and make you a fur coat. If you are questioned by the local authorities for hunting out of season/breaking laws, just say it's his culture. The police don't hate on Native Americans do they? No way! They give them casinos. What could go wrong?

For the aforementioned reasons an Eskimo baby is way cooler than any other type of adopted baby. Go out and get them while they last!

The Scott's Tip Of The Day Diet

Scott's Tip Of The Day: It's Springtime. A lot of you are planning to get in shape for the summer. You want to look good at the beach. Who can blame you? Only one problem. You are 20 pounds overweight. You need to go on a diet. "But which diet should I choose, Scott? There are so many!" A very good point. The South Beach diet, the Atkins Diet, the Kentucky Fried Chicken diet... it's a lot to sort out. My advice? Ignore all of those. Follow the SCOTT'S TIP OF THE DAY DIET.

It's pretty easy.

STEP 1-EXERCISE YOU LAZY SLOB!
STEP 2-YOU LOOK DISGUSTING, STOP EATING SO F**KING MUCH!

Pretty easy right? Instead of sitting on your fat ass all day, go for a run, a swim or a bike ride. Then, when you come home, instead of pigging out on sweets and soda, have a glass of water and some fruit. Unbelievable right? No tricks. No counting calories. Easy as 1-2. It's even easier than 1-2-3 because there are only 2 steps. And if you don't lose weight? Well, nothing you can do about it, it probably means God hates you.

Easter Bunny

Scott's Tip Of The Day: "Scott, what does the Easter Bunny have to do with Easter?" That's a very good question. According to the book of Raul, (Raul was one of Jesus' disciples, if you look at Leonardo's painting of the Last Supper, you will see him crouched under the table, eating crumbs off the floor), the Easter Bunny was sent to earth by God to cook Jesus breakfast. To quote Raul 3:19 "And then the Mighty Lord sent thine divine Bunny of Easter to Jesus to cook his meals and be his personal chef. He was 3 cubits tall and his fur shone bright like a fluorescent pink highlighter (I bet you didn't know they used highlighters back then). Thine Bunny of Easter made Jesus bountiful breakfasts of eggs and bacon and would hide the breakfast all over Jesus' front lawn, wherest thou he would search for his breakfast before he ate it. Jesus loved such games. Jesus also loved Light Bright, Star Wars coloring books and Starting Lineup baseball figurines."

"But Scott, this still doesn't explain why we celebrate Easter!" OK, OK. I was getting to that....
If we look at Raul 5:23, it reads: "And then one day in a tragic accident, thine Bunny of Easter spilt cooking oil all over his beautiful fur. Thine Bunny reached for a towel to wipe himself off, but when thine Bunny of Easter leaned over the stove to grab a towel, he set his beautiful fur on fire. Thine Bunny of Easter shouted "Mother F**ker!" and ran all over town screaming like Richard Simmons when he gets his period. All of the children pointed and laughed. Jesus walked over to thine Bunny of Easter, who was severely burnt and barely conscious. Thine Bunny of Easter asked for Jesus' healing hand. 'Jesus, thou must save my life so I can cookest thou breakfast tomorrow.' Jesus replied 'Thine Bunny of Easter, you consistently undercook my eggs. Thine eggs are runny and gross. Furthermore, I know you have been using Egg Beaters after I specifically told you not to. I don't have cholesterol problems. Why can't you just feed me some real eggs. And what's this shit where you hide my breakfast on my lawn? I thought it was funny at first, but the joke is over. I mean what the hell, man? Can't you just serve me breakfast at the breakfast table. I made that breakfast table. I'm a carpenter. Why don't we get some use out of it? What's an Israelite gotta do around here to get his breakfast on?'

Jesus then stomped thine Bunny of Easter's face and his blood and guts flew all over the children. All of the children cried. Jesus then sayeth 'Children, thoust shall remember this day. Every Spring thou must search for painted eggs on thine lawn. Thou shalst remember thine Bunny cook of Jesus and thoust shall remember to cook my eggs properly! And if thoust serve me runny eggs I will stop your gourd in like the f**king bunny!!!!"

And that's the story of Easter.